Popsicle Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 . It's strange how couples you know and you hear the cursory explanations of how they met but when you dig a little you find out there was an A at the beginning. Soooooo true!!
MissBee Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 (edited) You hear people saying that the relationship is so intense b/c it's "hidden" and in an A bubble. Once you ended up with your A partner, did you find that the feelings, the great sex, etc. lessened compared to when it was a secretive A? I am ONLY asking this of this who ended up with their A partner so I realize there likely will not be many responses. I am only asking because I am curious about how true the "A bubble" is and if that lessens or changes once it's a regular out in the open relationship. I'm not currently in a R with my exAP, but we did "end up together" in a R for about a year then broke things off. The reason why was because I was dissatisfied with some things, most notably his complacency and passivity about particular things relating to our relationship. I realized that that aspect of how he behaved was probably why he could carry on the A and be fine with it endlessly, if he had his way, and it pissed me off. The feelings were the same feelings I always had for him but calmer because I didn't have the drama of being constantly frustrated and on alert because of the A dynamic....so in that sense it was less intense, but that was a positive for me, as intensity isn't necessarily a positive thing, intensity is usually tied to anxiety and dysfunctional relationships (hence some people are so addicted to them although they're bad). Also for me, during the A the sex was good but I wouldn't have described it as great. I was actually a little disappointed with it the first few times. We were also LD during the A so it wasn't a constant thing. Post-A it was a lot better. In total: without the A dynamic, some things were better and some things were disappointing. Without the A drama lots of stuff was calmer and it was more like a still pool that was clear where I could see certain things clearer and see that there were things that I didn't like. I felt like in the A, while I definitely had stuff I didn't like, it was more overshadowed by the feeling of "If we're together outside of the A none of this will be an issue and it's the A why it's a problem and I just want an open R!" It was hard to see some faults as part of him and not just "an A problem." I think that's where you can get shortsighted in the A, as it can compress you a lot and you can just feel like once it's open that's all you need...and sometimes it's not. Without the A, as it should be, I was able to see him without all the noise and intensity and could focus on the ways in which we were a match and where we worked and where we didn't. When we broke up post-A, I didn't feel the same sense of "Omg if only.." I did feel like we were a great match if only he didn't do xyz...but I accepted it more than with the A ending, where because you don't have a chance to truly test things out you idealize it and build up more of this idea of how great a match you are if it wasn't for all these "other forces." But when you get a chance at an open R, you can see exactly what works and doesn't and have less of an idealization when it ends of "how it could have been if only." Edited January 1, 2014 by MissBee 1
WasOtherWoman Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 One of my first posts here, came over from another board that is pretty desolate these days. I have been married to my affair partner for over ten years, together for about 12. I would say we were definitely at one point in the "affair bubble", although I think it is really more of a "new relationship bubble", not really sure the two are different. After these years, things are still great between us and I am thankful everyday that he is in my life. I think our situation was a bit easier than some though, my husband's kids were grown when he left. That certainly made our day to day existence much simpler than those who need to content with small children, ex-wives, child support, etc., etc. I can honestly to say that I would not have gotten involved with my husband had his children not been of age when we met. I do think that, in those situations, when reality does set in and the relationship becomes more of a permanent one, the drama that came with that sort of situation would not have been something I would have dealt with well and would have taken a pass. 2
MissBee Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 (edited) I have been married to my affair partner for over ten years, together for about 12. I would say we were definitely at one point in the "affair bubble", although I think it is really more of a "new relationship bubble", not really sure the two are different. . In my own experience, new relationships go through a honeymoon phase and not a bubble. That is, there is no compartmentalizing. I think the bubble for affairs refers to the fact that it is usually secret, hidden and cut off from at least one participant's normal dealings, which given that, it is not hard to see how that can skew a relationship. That is what the "bubble" metaphor is supposed to describe IMO, the closed off, compartmentalized nature of most affairs, where at least for one person it is a whole other, secret aspect of their life "over there" a part and away from the other parts of their life and the two never meet unless by accident or under some pretense. This isn't the case in most single relationships, even when new. Having obviously had non-affair relationships, LDRs and the affair, I often compare affair relationship dynamics to LDRs. For me, that has been what it most reminds me of, where there is some level of distance, compartmentalizing and not getting the full picture which often happens in LDRs too. Especially LDRs where you met the person online or some other case where your relationship started at a distance and you aren't integrated into their day to day life. All relationships have honeymoons but not all have bubbles. If your single relationship is in a bubble it's usually a red flag that either your partner is ashamed of you, lying about being single or isn't serious about you. In single relationships when we are serious, months in, I get the chance to meet their friends, family, see the bigger picture of their life. I am not their gf in some bubble where no one knows, we only hang out sometimes, have to pretend not to be a couple etc, rather everyone knows they are with me, we get invited to stuff as a couple, I can interact with them and their family and friends and that makes a big difference in how fast you get to know the real them. Most people would find it absurd to be in a single relationship for months/years and have no one in your SO's life know about it, but in the A it is normal, and that is part of the bubble. In the A, although I had known him for some years I was not integrated into his life until much later when it became open and it was a whole new level, which would have happened much sooner had it not been an A and been in a bubble distinct from the other aspects of his life. Edited January 1, 2014 by MissBee 2
Author bentleychic Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 (edited) I threw my husband out after I discovered his affair. His A partner had a boyfriend who she wouldn't give up. WS tried a half-hearted attempt to reconcile with me ( I later found out that the OW had ditched him) but I wasn't buying it as he worked with OW, and I couldn't trust him to stay NC. Then the OW's boyfriend found out and ditched her. So she went went back to WS They moved in together a year later but didn't get married for about 5 years when she got pregnant. So they ended up together because their respective partners dumped them. During the A neither was prepared to leave their partner to be together which makes me wonder how committed either of them were in the first place? I've seen OW's FB pages with all the holiday photos and she looks happy and smiling while he is stood there with his hands in his pockets and a face like a wet week. It looks to me like a case of "don't wish for what you want because you might get it". This really has absolutely nothing to do with my original post at all and since you were not the one in the A, you cannot answer the questions aside for assumptions which we all know are rarely truth. Edited January 1, 2014 by bentleychic 1
Author bentleychic Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Thank you to those that answered. Was mainly just curious about the intensity of things, etc. once it is open and no longer an A.
glowing Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Our affair began almost five years ago, was discovered four years ago, and we will celebrate our second wedding anniversary in 2014. I prefer our relationship the way it is now much more than the secret bubble of our affair. Stealing a few hours here and there can never compare to waking up next to him every morning. There are stressors, sure, with blending our family, dealing with our two high conflict exes, finances. But worth it. Without a doubt. 3
Speakingofwhich Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Our affair began almost five years ago, was discovered four years ago, and we will celebrate our second wedding anniversary in 2014. I prefer our relationship the way it is now much more than the secret bubble of our affair. Stealing a few hours here and there can never compare to waking up next to him every morning. There are stressors, sure, with blending our family, dealing with our two high conflict exes, finances. But worth it. Without a doubt. Glowing! I've missed reading your posts. Tried to PM you a month or two ago but it wouldn't take. Possibly you need to have more posts to be able to PM, not sure. Do you think you can PM by now?
glowing Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Glowing! I've missed reading your posts. Tried to PM you a month or two ago but it wouldn't take. Possibly you need to have more posts to be able to PM, not sure. Do you think you can PM by now? I tried to see if it was an option last night, but still don't see it listed. I'm sure it's a x-number of posts thing, but no idea what that number is. Sorry! I'm intrigued to hear what prompted you to want to dm me!! Happy 2014, regardless
Speakingofwhich Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) I tried to see if it was an option last night, but still don't see it listed. I'm sure it's a x-number of posts thing, but no idea what that number is. Sorry! I'm intrigued to hear what prompted you to want to dm me!! Happy 2014, regardless Happy 2014, too! Think I just wanted to touch base and ask a few questions that I didn't want to post for the world to see! Edited January 2, 2014 by Speakingofwhich spelling
glowing Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I hear you, speakingofwhich! If anyone knows the answer, please share! And to get this back on track, my husband gave me a kiss on his way out the door this morning and told me how much he's looking forward to another year together. After he left I found his wet towel on the floor of the bathroom. It's real life, folks. It just has that extra dimension of feeling so very lucky. 2
whatatangledweb Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I hear you, speakingofwhich! If anyone knows the answer, please share! And to get this back on track, my husband gave me a kiss on his way out the door this morning and told me how much he's looking forward to another year together. After he left I found his wet towel on the floor of the bathroom. It's real life, folks. It just has that extra dimension of feeling so very lucky. I believe it is 50 posts and a member for a month.
Got it Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 I hear you, speakingofwhich! If anyone knows the answer, please share! And to get this back on track, my husband gave me a kiss on his way out the door this morning and told me how much he's looking forward to another year together. After he left I found his wet towel on the floor of the bathroom. It's real life, folks. It just has that extra dimension of feeling so very lucky. Gah! Yes. This is it exactly. :laugh:
WasOtherWoman Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 In my own experience, new relationships go through a honeymoon phase and not a bubble. That is, there is no compartmentalizing. I think the bubble for affairs refers to the fact that it is usually secret, hidden and cut off from at least one participant's normal dealings, which given that, it is not hard to see how that can skew a relationship. That is what the "bubble" metaphor is supposed to describe IMO, the closed off, compartmentalized nature of most affairs, where at least for one person it is a whole other, secret aspect of their life "over there" a part and away from the other parts of their life and the two never meet unless by accident or under some pretense. This isn't the case in most single relationships, even when new. Having obviously had non-affair relationships, LDRs and the affair, I often compare affair relationship dynamics to LDRs. For me, that has been what it most reminds me of, where there is some level of distance, compartmentalizing and not getting the full picture which often happens in LDRs too. Especially LDRs where you met the person online or some other case where your relationship started at a distance and you aren't integrated into their day to day life. All relationships have honeymoons but not all have bubbles. If your single relationship is in a bubble it's usually a red flag that either your partner is ashamed of you, lying about being single or isn't serious about you. In single relationships when we are serious, months in, I get the chance to meet their friends, family, see the bigger picture of their life. I am not their gf in some bubble where no one knows, we only hang out sometimes, have to pretend not to be a couple etc, rather everyone knows they are with me, we get invited to stuff as a couple, I can interact with them and their family and friends and that makes a big difference in how fast you get to know the real them. Most people would find it absurd to be in a single relationship for months/years and have no one in your SO's life know about it, but in the A it is normal, and that is part of the bubble. In the A, although I had known him for some years I was not integrated into his life until much later when it became open and it was a whole new level, which would have happened much sooner had it not been an A and been in a bubble distinct from the other aspects of his life. You bring up an excellent point regarding the bubble vs honeymoon period. Looking back on my A, we were probably not in as much of a bubble as others as our the affair phase of our relationship did not last very long and we lived together openly during the week. The comparison with a LDA is spot on, I think, the limited time (for whatever reason) definitely creates a bubble. 1
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