How I Moved Forward When My Ex Left Me For Another Man

[UltraTech]

I hope my story can help others, this is shortened version, i will answer any questions and give advice as needed, trust me, i suffered very badly and would like to help others in same place as me.

 

- My ex went away on a business trip, she exhibited some strange behaviour whilst going away, she asked to skype me which was very unusual, usually we just txted, but she seemed really keen on seeing me for some reason.

 

- She comes back from trip, she keeps talking about this dutch guy she met, and how he is a friend.

 

- A week later we argue badly, she wants us to finish.

 

- Few days later, i wake up in the morning, sense things are not right, i asked her if she loves me, she says no, i cry like a baby, leave the house.

 

- I ask her if there is anyone else, she says no.

 

- I go to mums, do all the wrong things, cry, plead to make it work, she says no.

 

- On the 4th or so night shes feeling down, she failed to get this job she was going for, she agrees i can come over, then she changes her mind and says "its probably best you come tomorrow". Something inside of me told me something was wrong and that i had to go to the house that night, i planned to sneak in and suprise her and comfort her.

 

- Snuck in the door with my keys, i can hear her talking on skype to a man, he says "let me see your tits", she says "wait next week until Barcelona". She told me she was going for a girls only trip with her best friend, obviously not.

 

- I run in, screaming, will never forget the look on her face, she'd been caught, again, i did all the wrong things and begged her to give us a chance, she said no. She was very cold and uncaring, shed also been drinking heavily.

 

- After a few days, i persuaded her to let me come back, other man was furious telling her to kick me out of the flat we both paid rent for and leaving me high and dry, she didnt want to as she knew i had nowhere to go, later that night, we had sex.

 

- She lied to OM, telling him nothing was going on between us and she was with him and wanted him, i then persuaded her to stay with me. She told him, he cried and called her non stop.

 

- She tells me she is in love with me again like a little girl in school, that shes mine, during sex, she tells me to forget protection as she is mine blah blah.

 

- Week or two later, something isn't right, i ask her if she is still in contact with him, she says no, she says im paranoid, i beg her to tell truth as i am considering getting medical help for paranoia, she says its all in my head.

 

- after pressing, one night she admits she is still in regular contact with OM and loves him and me both. She says she stays with me, but she says she will not stop contacting him.

 

- She sneaks around, whenever i am not in the house she speaks with him, they speak everyday behind my back, she never divulges the details, i know he is pressuring her into leaving me, i try and stay strong, i figure he is in another country so he cant get too physical with her yet.

 

- Finally, one day we wake up, its a sunny saturday morning, she is very affectionate for a change, says she is going to meet a friend for shopping, she is very dressed up and has shaved her parts. I suspect a man, i ask her point blank before she goes through the door "can i trust you"? She looks me dead in the eye and says "Yes" and leaves.

 

- That was the last time i ever saw her, that night, she shacked up with OM who flew over to be with her, she didn't tell me where she was that night and turned off her phone so i couldn't disturb them having sex, finally at 2am she picks up her phone and confesses everything.

 

My life changed from this very second.

 

-My body went into survival mode, i knew i could harm myself if i stayed around her, i was seriously contemplating it. I begged my best friend 100 miles away to let me stay his whilst i got my head straight, next morning, i pack a bag and get on train, on train i pray to god i never have to return home.

 

- After two days i find permanent place to stay, after 2 weeks i find a new job in IT.

 

- She is trying to make contact to see how i am, i tell her fine, i never let her see my pain, i pretend everything is fine, meanwhile, i cry every-night, i feel i have lost everything. One night she tells me she misses me, enough is enough, time to go no contact.

 

- I begin to got to the gym after work, within month, i look more muscular and feel in better shape, i begin to focus on my new job. During this point she is still contacting me asking how i am. I set up a new facebook page so she couldnt find it, she finds it and snoops on it, as i come to a friends request from her on new page, which she then cancelled to cover her tracks, i also begin to suspect she has hacked an old email account of mine. I block her on facebook.

 

- She keeps asking me to come and pick up my cds, but i dont want to, i live a new life now, that stuff is in the past, i ignore her requests.

 

- 6 months later, she asks for some money she lent me back, she asks to be friends etc. I tell her i will pay her money, no response on friendship.

 

- Final email was last month, shes leaving the country (obviously to holland with OM), yet again asks me to collect cds and laptop or she will send them, its been over a year now and ive told her ages ago to give away or throw away any and all of my remaining things, this time she is claiming its more hassle for her to throw it away then me to come 100 miles to pick it up or her to courier it to me. I feel the real premise of the email is for me to enquire where and who she is going with.... I dont, i simply reply "have a safe journey". She sends angry email back, the end.

 

We were together 4.5 years and looking back, she cheated multiple times, not just with this guy, she lied constantly and when i look at how i met her, i should have seen the sings right there that she was no good.

 

However, to move forward, you need to look at you and your failings...and i failed her on many occasions, not with other women, but emotionally, the way forward is to not focus on moving on, but moving forward, to do that, focus on improving you.

 

I went to the gym 3 times a week, now i box too, this can give confidence in ones self, but most importantly i had to look in the mirror and accept my failings as a partner, it takes two.

 

I still feel a lot of anger towards her for the deceit, but maybe in time i can let that go.

 

By the way, one day, i was on the bus minding my own business and a good looking blonde approached with the line "not going gym today?". That was 8 months ago, today we are at her parents celebrating new years. I never mention her to my ex ever, she doesnt need to know, i live a new life now, and she has hers.

 

I would like to help anyone who was my position, particulary when it comes to keeping no contact and avoiding the little mind games exes used to keep you on a leash.

Edited December 31, 2013 by UltraTech

[williesd]

Thanks, this was helpful. I went NC for a few weeks, then minimal contact for a month. Last night, she reached out and apologized for her part after three months of being mean and or silent. I think she's settling in nicely with her new BF and lost her job post holidays and appreciates a friend, but i can't do friend. I was 50/50 on the NC, but am seeing, it isn't about moving on, it really is about moving forward. Anyhow, thanks for this, friendly reminder that it is about moving forward, not on.

[UltraTech]

Thanks, this was helpful. I went NC for a few weeks, then minimal contact for a month. Last night, she reached out and apologized for her part after three months of being mean and or silent. I think she's settling in nicely with her new BF and lost her job post holidays and appreciates a friend, but i can't do friend. I was 50/50 on the NC, but am seeing, it isn't about moving on, it really is about moving forward. Anyhow, thanks for this, friendly reminder that it is about moving forward, not on.

 

Welcome buddy.

 

Agreed. Let me add something else.

 

When it comes to women, especially in these circumstances, logic doesn't always apply, by that, i mean, they tend to think emotionally and let their emotions drives them rather than go for logic.

 

I dont know your situation, but if your ex left you for someone else, no contact is a must. The reason for that is that she needs to know that the decision she made is the final one and she must live by it forever, with no comeback. It's all part of having enough respect for yourself to say, "enough is enough", and once a woman realises that an the ex realises that you don't want her anymore and that you are focused on yourself, in time, you see them react to it, this is why you always here the stories about the women who leave a man and then comeback when they realise he has moved on from them.

 

When i was finished with my ex, her attitude changed and she suddenly became very curious about my life without her in it, eventually that curiosity led to fustration that i refused to keep contact with her and finally manifested itself in anger.

 

It was always in her game plan to have me as the fallback guy who she could lean on if things with new boyfriend didnt work out. When i removed myself as the fall back guy, her true colours really shone, and i saw her for what she was, shes not a strong independant woman.......shes a liar with a alcohol problem who needs a man around to feel complete.

[phloxxandsoxx]

Welcome buddy.

 

Agreed. Let me add something else.

 

When it comes to women, especially in these circumstances, logic doesn't always apply, by that, i mean, they tend to think emotionally and let their emotions drives them rather than go for logic.

 

Which is why prisons are full of us and not you.

 

I consider "women are illogical" kind of a misogynist form of blood libel. Frankly I'm tired of hearing it. Men are the least logical life forms in the book. You rage and roll swinging your arms like apes and are absolutely fueled by emotion.

 

Just because we feel and express a wider range of it than rage does not make us more emotional than men are. Men make up for 1000% in intensity. This is why you do stupid things.

 

Visit any prison any time with me and ask a few questions from the inmates. You will find out pretty quick who between us and you is the most emotional and the least logical.

[UltraTech]

Which is why prisons are full of us and not you.

 

I consider "women are illogical" kind of a misogynist form of blood libel. Frankly I'm tired of hearing it.

 

Then move onto another thread and post elsewhere.

 

In the types of situation described above, women tend not to behave logically, instead there are driven with their emotions.

 

Example point, just incase you didn't read the main post, was my ex asking me not to wear protection as some kind of proof she wanted me when she was actually in love with someone else, logically, this action makes no sense.

 

Asking to be "friends" after you have left a man for another man makes no logical sense.

 

But as per above, in these situations, i find they tend to be emotionally driven, rather than logically driven.....prison has absolutely nothing to do with this whatsoever im afraid but thanks for the contribution and have a nice day.

[williesd]

Welcome buddy.

 

I dont know your situation, but if your ex left you for someone else, no contact is a must. The reason for that is that she needs to know that the decision she made is the final one and she must live by it forever, with no comeback. It's all part of having enough respect for yourself to say, "enough is enough", and once a woman realises that an the ex realises that you don't want her anymore and that you are focused on yourself, in time, you see them react to it, this is why you always here the stories about the women who leave a man and then comeback when they realise he has moved on from them.

 

.... When i removed myself as the fall back guy, her true colours really shone, and i saw her for what she was, shes not a strong independant woman.......shes a liar with a alcohol problem who needs a man around to feel complete.

 

Technically I left her, she just moved on before I did. In the end, it doesn't matter to me. We weren't good for each other. I wanted to leave the situation, she just forced it with lying to me about new guy, etc. Lots of alcohol involved on her part.

 

The contact I got last night was closure. I now can continue the grieving process and move forward. Time for me to stop being co-dependent and become independent and attract someone whose together and doesn't have toxic issues. Ironically, I also hit the treadmill last night for the first time since I moved out of her place and essentially ended things and the exercise was a few hours before her closure email. Her closure email was the first time in the past three months she acknowledged her part in being wrong and actually owning her mistakes. I'm okay with it, silently wish her well and 2014 is tomorrow.

 

NY resolutions are crap, but I'm eyeing 60 days of NC, then evaluation. I suspect in 60 days, I won't have any desire to contact her. I'm not going to hold myself to this, but it's a goal for me within my mind to accomplish as part of my moving forward. In the mean time, if she contacts me, ignore it. I've been told, politely remember, stop being co-dependent and offering to assist her with her issues; your not interdependent and its time to stay focused on being independent. I've seen a counselor a few times and that's the feedback I got. I'm not a big fan of blame at this point. More about what the original poster said in this thread, moving forward.

Edited December 31, 2013 by williesd

[UltraTech]

Technically I left her, she just moved on before I did. In the end, it doesn't matter to me. We weren't good for each other. I wanted to leave the situation, she just forced it with lying to me about new guy, etc. Lots of alcohol involved on her part.

 

The contact I got last night was closure. I now can continue the grieving process and move forward. Time for me to stop being co-dependent and become independent and attract someone whose together and doesn't have toxic issues. Ironically, I also hit the treadmill last night for the first time since I moved out of her place and essentially ended things and the exercise was a few hours before her closure email. Her closure email was the first time in the past three months she acknowledged her part in being wrong and actually owning her mistakes. I'm okay with it, silently wish her well and 2014 is tomorrow.

 

NY resolutions are crap, but I'm eyeing 60 days of NC, then evaluation. I suspect in 60 days, I won't have any desire to contact her. I'm not going to hold myself to this, but it's a goal for me within my mind to accomplish as part of my moving forward. In the mean time, if she contacts me, ignore it. I've been told, politely remember, stop being co-dependent and offering to assist her with her issues; your not interdependent and its time to stay focused on being independent. I've seen a counselor a few times and that's the feedback I got. I'm not a big fan of blame at this point. More about what the original poster said in this thread, moving forward.

 

I am the original poster buddy .

 

Trust me on this, if you can afford it, go to the gym, it doesn't matter what size you are, just go.

 

And try to eat good too, once you start respecting yourself more, others respect you even more.

 

Or if you dont like the gym, get a pen and write down some other goals.