How to make sure I don't kill interest

[ibelcaniva]

Right, so, I've never been on one of these forums before. About a weekish ago, I met a really awesome girl (I'm 22, she's 19). Now, I'm not a stranger to dating girls, so believe me when I say that this girl is honestly the coolest girl I have ever met. I don't know her particularly well, given that we have only known each other for such a short time, but we have a ridiculous amount of things in common, plus awesome chemistry. So, suffice it to say, I'm pretty interested. We've been on two dates so far, both of which went really well; actually, the dates were on two consecutive days, so I guess we both really wanted to see each other after the first one. I kissed her on the second date and, while she was/is a bit coy in general, she reciprocated and was fine with it. We've got another date set for Thursday.

 

Here's the thing, though: I'm worried that I'm texting her a bit too much. She said from the outset that she doesn't really like texting very much, so I've tried not to go too overboard. Unfortunately, a couple of days ago, she texted me saying that she wouldn't be too responsive since her grandmother just got hospitalized. So I respected that and I told her that I'd keep her family in my thoughts, and that I hope everything went well with her grandmother. Next morning, I get a text from her telling me that her grandma stabilized, and that it "really means a lot to me that you said that ." Unfortunately, though, she was at the hospital till 5AM, and then had work at 8AM until 4PM, so she was pretty down/tired/worn out. Following work, she was dragged to some "awful party" at which she remarked she was "trying not to kill herself from the boredom." Anyway, I was feeling pretty bad for how awful of a day she was having, so I wrote her a little 4-line rhyming poem (I'm a writer, so it wasn't actually an angsty teenage love poem) that was really just light-hearted and witty. She laughed and thanked me. That was last night.

 

So everything, from what I've written, kind of *sounds* like it's going well, doesn't it? But somehow I just feel like she's started texting me less. It doesn't help that I tend to get very anxious about these things in general, but I'm trying not to push her away. In the past, I've had issues with overtexting girls and driving them away, and I'm trying really, really hard not to repeat that mistake. I also don't want to come across as overly needy. As far as today goes, I texted her good morning and cheekily lamented that I wouldn't be around on NYE to kiss her. She's at work, so I haven't gotten a response yet, but for some reason, even though I know that work (plus her grand total of like 6 hours of sleep for the past two days) is a pretty good excuse for not texting, I can't shake the feeling that she's distancing herself. She's a pretty guarded person in general, due to some pretty tough issues in her past, and, for what its worth, I actually understand that to some extent from personal experience of similar issues. I don't want to ruin things by coming on too strongly (and I think I've already come on slightly too strongly, but I don't *think* I've absolutely ruined things, yet, since she's still pretty normal when we talk and hasn't reneged on our date, or anything).

 

Can someone just reassure me that I haven't utterly ruined things? My intention is to avoid texting her anymore today until she texts me. The only problem I have is that I don't really know what I'll do if she *doesn't* text me (i.e. if she finds my joke about kissing her tonight a bit too forward/awkward and just doesn't reply). Basically, I want advice on how to ensure that, even should that occur (i.e. her not texting me at all today), that I don't let that one misstep completely eliminate her attraction for me. I mean, I'm told that there's some truth to the notion of things only being awkward when you say that they're awkward, so I'd like to think that one awkward comment, or one awkward day of texting, doesn't spell doom for our attraction, particularly since we really hit it off. I can't stress that enough; I've never met a person in my entire life that has this much in common with me, and that is this much fun to talk to. And as awesome as that is, that seems to be putting quite a bit of pressure on me implicitly, since I got way too invested in this girl way too fast. Nevertheless, there's no point moaning about the past, right? How do I proceed from here on out in the best possible direction?

 

PS It's worth noting that she attends school in a different city than me (though she lives in the same city that I do, so when she comes home for holidays/summer break/xmas break etc we're in the same place) which isn't too far away, but which is far enough that I wouldn't be able to see her every day. Therefore, our date on Thursday is going to be our last date for at least a couple of weeks. She definitely was interested in me (she even said it herself after we went out) and she's often mentioned a whole bunch of stuff that we can do in the future, so it seems like she's not just seeing me as some Xmas break hookup, either. I guess I'm really just caught up in the last day or two of her seeming a little bit preoccupied/distant. I don't want fleeting awkwardness or a bad day for her or anything like that to end up becoming more trouble than it should be, so I'm asking for advice on how to proceed from here.

 

><''

 

Thanks

Edited December 31, 2013 by ibelcaniva

[d0nnivain]

Stop texting . . . .period.

 

 

If you would like to communicate, call. One exception if you are not spending NYE together, it's OK to send a Happy New Year text.

 

 

Leave her be until at least 1/2/14 & then call her. Do not text her. When you call her arrange a date. Do not call her again, until the day before the date to confirm. During every conversation inquire about her grandmother's health.

 

 

If the worst happens, & grandma passes, expect that you won't hear from her for days. Send a condolence card to the family. Ask if it would be OK if you stopped by to pay your respects. Do not stay more than 1/2 hour

[Pretty.in.Pink]

To answer your question, no, you have not utterly ruined things.

 

She was very clear that she didn't like texting. I would have checked if she felt similarly about other forms of communication...email, calls, etc.

 

At any rate, initially, you were fine. You were getting positive reinforcement whenever you texted. When things changed, either it became too much or she really was swamped...ill grandmother, home from school and catching up with family/friends, the holidays, etc.

 

At this point, back off. You've texted her and texted her again. Give her a chance to respond...in an hour...a day...a week...never. If she never gets back to you, hounding her with persistent texts won't change the outcome, just seal your fate and leave you feeling bad. So stop it.

 

If someone has given you feedback that they don't like texting, then don't. If they don't like a lot of communication, reach out once, then wait until they get back to you. That will limit the likelihood of smothering. Also, get a few hobbies. That will keep you busy so that you aren't focused on texting the person all day.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Pretty.in.Pink

[GemmaUK]

Chill out!!!

 

Give her a chance to miss you.

 

Don't text her good morning...give it until 10am/lunchtime and if you haven't heard from her say hello.

 

Don't then reply quickly or she will feel smothered...give it an hour or two...as she likely will.

 

But calm down!

All seems good yeah?

 

Excessive texting won't make her want to be with you more, neither will too little texting. Being normal is the way to be but give her space too...you need space so respect hers as well.

From right now.

[leafguy]

Exactly what Gemma said.

 

I tend to be like you and freak out with a sudden change in texting patterns too. I spent all day yesterday bitching and moaning that the girl I just went on a date with Sunday wouldn't text me back. I assumed the worst case scenario and talked to a lot of friends about how to play the scenario. And sure enough, 10pm I get a text saying sorry she was so busy with work issues and family visiting. I let her visit with her family and she was genuinely happy I did that.

 

I haven't said a thing to her today due to the fact I know she is busy at work again and is planning for a trip tomorrow. I am going to call her later to wish her a happy New Years, a good time, to drive safe and to ask her what she is doing on a specific date after she is back. It will be short, sweet and leaving the ball in her court.

 

In this case for you, the best answer is do nothing. Long story short, personalities tend to create thoughts on irrational scenarios, and run with the worst case, causing irrational decisions. When in doubt of what you should do, focus on yourself and do nothing regarding her. Chances are if the dates have been as good as you say, she is thinking about you at some point of her day.

[ibelcaniva]

Thanks guys . We had a kinda awkward discussion today about how she was going away to school in like a week, so the topic of whether we were "officially" bf/gf came up. She said it was too soon, and I agreed, but it was still a super awkward conversation. But, surprisingly, I actually feel like we came out of it as good as we could have, since we're back to talking entirely normally and it's almost like that awkwardness didn't happen.

 

I guess my chief concern is maintaining, or, better yet, continuing to increase comfort/attraction when she finally does go away to school, particularly given that she isn't exactly an avid texter. While I think planning creative dates ahead of time and looking forward to those would be a good start, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with the day-to-day interactions. Basically, how do I keep getting to know her more/building interest/continuing to let our trust grow when she's far enough away that I can't see her for 2-4 weeks at a time? I mean, given that we just met recently, I'm sorta worried that not enough foundation has been laid for things to continue.

 

Then again, I have no idea. We both acknowledged pretty much immediately that there was something *special* about our chemistry. She told me straight up that I was the only good first date she's ever had, and that she's never met anyone she could talk with so much and easily without things dying down. She's definitely not my usual type, and neither am I hers, but for some reason we seem to have really ****ing good conversational stuff, so I don't want to totally abandon hope on this somehow surviving distance issues.

 

Thanks for the advice though, guys. I'm not planning to text her. At most, I'll wish her a happy new year, but nothing more than that. She'll get back to me sooner or later, and even if she doesn't, we're seeing each other Thursday, so I don't have to wait long. Anyone got any tips for theater environments (going to see Les Mis, which we both love)? I know we're grabbing a quick bite to eat before the show, but neither of us can stay out too late since we have stuff to do in the morning, so I expect after the show it'll be a sort of walk around, kiss, goodbye sort of thing. I'm not super familiar with theater environments so I'm just asking a general "is there any etiquette stuff viz. theater dates I should know?" question.

 

Thanks, again.

[leafguy]

Lol live theatre etiquette is the same as normal movie theatre etiquette. Try not to get up until intermission, stay quiet and try and put your arm around her Thats about all I can suggest. Les Mis is a fantastic pick for live show.

 

Good luck in your date.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

It's great that you're going to dinner beforehand since you can't talk during the performance.

[Lady2163]

I'm twice your age, but I do like your style.

 

Some suggestions -

Never use texting to discuss anything important about your relationship.

Never fight via text.

 

Use texting like a back and forth conversation, done at either persons convenience. That said, if you send her a text in the morning and she doesn't text or call before bedtime...I personally think that is kind of lousy.

 

Possible texts:

I miss talking to you. Call me when you get a chance?

Do,you have time to talk today?

 

Facebook can offer interaction opportunities as well. You can post pictures or cartoons she might like. You can like her stuff, you can comment on her posts. Just try not to do it within seconds of her posting it, that might be a bit too eager.

 

I think you're on the right track. I'm just a bit cautious in that I wonder if she is as interested in you. I'm in a business where I can't make people wait communication wise and that has carried over into my personal life. But in her mind, it may all be part of the dating game.

 

Good luck!

[ibelcaniva]

I'm twice your age, but I do like your style.

 

Some suggestions -

Never use texting to discuss anything important about your relationship.

Never fight via text.

 

Use texting like a back and forth conversation, done at either persons convenience. That said, if you send her a text in the morning and she doesn't text or call before bedtime...I personally think that is kind of lousy.

 

Possible texts:

I miss talking to you. Call me when you get a chance?

Do,you have time to talk today?

 

Facebook can offer interaction opportunities as well. You can post pictures or cartoons she might like. You can like her stuff, you can comment on her posts. Just try not to do it within seconds of her posting it, that might be a bit too eager.

 

I think you're on the right track. I'm just a bit cautious in that I wonder if she is as interested in you. I'm in a business where I can't make people wait communication wise and that has carried over into my personal life. But in her mind, it may all be part of the dating game.

 

Good luck!

 

She's definitely not as interested in me as I am in her, but I don't think that's a bad thing, to be honest. See, I think that I'm a little bit *too* interested, given that I've known her for such a short time. Her level of interest in me seems completely rational and is, in my estimation, what most people's level of interest would be like after they just start dating. It worth noting that she's had some pretty terrible (and I mean terrible) experiences with dating before, and that this is her first time dating in years, so I can understand why she'd be a bit guarded. I need to work on not overthinking things, and on living my own life without obsessing about this girl, since that's not only more attractive, but also keeps me healthier in general. I really don't like making people wait, but that's fundamentally because I'm a pretty OCD person, and because I often get very bored and look for some stimulation (whether that be conversation or some other activity). This girl, on the other hand, is pretty busy. I don't think it's so much a matter of her being disinterested (or she probably wouldn't talk to me much at all, or would have rejected me, etc.) as it is that she's got things to do (working, catching up with old friends during the time she has at home, etc.). It's worth pointing out that, whatever the case, we hung out for pretty much two straight days and talked for something like 8hours on Facebook the day we met, so I think it's not unreasonable to expect that that sort of thing can't be happening everyday .

 

I'm just gonna continue with my backing off and chilling out. We chatted a bit yesterday, but then she had to go to work, followed by a NYE party with some hometown friends. I didn't text her at all except to wish her a happy New Year, which I haven't gotten a response to, yet, but that's pretty standard when she goes out; she doesn't really like to take out her phone/text when she's with people. At any rate, I'm seeing her tomorrow, so I don't think there's too much to worry about.

[ibelcaniva]

Hey, update after our date (Thursday). So, she texted me about two hours before the date wanting to meet up earlier, so we went and got food before the show. The show itself was amazing and both of us really enjoyed it. I tried to hold her hand at one point, and while she didn't pull away or anything, it was obvious that she's not into that sort of thing. After the show we again changed the plans of our date and went to get more food (the original plan was to end the date after the show). Since it was really late at night we just went to some decent-but-nothing-special bar&grill type thing (only restaurant we could find that was open). It was not bad. But this part of the night was a little weird. Very early on at the restaurant, I went for a kiss (she had said something rather adorable, so I was all like 'aww.') She kinda pushed me away saying that "this is a restaurant." She wasn't angry, or anything; it was more of an amused-sounding kind of voice. Anyhow, I was worried for a minute or two, but after that we immediately went back to chatting like normal, and the conversation went really well. She clearly wasn't mad, and there was no tension whatsoever, so I suppose she was just a little self-conscious about PDAs. After a couple of hours & some drinks, we left the restaurant. Since both of us were taking the subway home that night (driving downtown is a waste of time given the time of the show -- too much traffic, no parking) we had to get home, as it was nearly 12:30 AM and the subway would be closing sooner or later.

 

As we were walking home, we continued to chat, and I teased her a bit about not kissing me in the restaurant. Kinda a dumb move on my part, but, again, she wasn't angry; she got rather coy but was smiling quite a bit and otherwise behaving normally. After that, I dropped the issue, and we started talking about other stuff again. Eventually, we got to the subway, and I was feeling pretty doubtful that there'd be any kissing. We had to take different trains, so I basically said I had to leave. She told me to wait (she was taking a drink of water from her purse, or somesuch). Then she gave me a hug, which I obviously reciprocated. Then I just kinda laughed (we were both tipsy) and said something to the effect of "okay, now I'm going to give you one!" and kissed her. She did return the kiss, but pretty chastely (better than a peck, but no making out). After that we departed and so on.

 

After I woke up the following day, I felt kinda bad about being pushy with her. I remembered that she had mentioned that she didn't really care much for PDAs. While I didn't do anything forceful, or whatever, and while this kissing stuff only accounted for a tiny portion of an otherwise amazingly fun night, I felt kinda guilty. I regret what happened next, but I tend to be a pretty scrupulous person, so I apologized to her (via facebook messaging, since her phone's audio is broken). I didn't say anything particularly grovelling, but I basically said I was sorry for being pushy that I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable, and that I enjoyed hanging out with her. The apology was pretty sincere, as far as I can tell.

 

She hasn't responded to me yet, since yesterday she had work followed by a prior commitment with a group of old friends (this is her last day in this city, so she wanted to see them before she left for school). It's possible she's ignoring me, but I kinda doubt it; she's not really that type (at least, I hope I'm right about that) and she usually only replies to things when she has the time to actually talk about them, rather than leaving some token, short reply. Everyone I've spoken to tells me that I'm worrying for nothing, since, given how much she wanted to hang out with me, and given how amicable she was, it's unlikely that a minor faux pas (which probably didn't offend her as much as I fear it did, if at all; this girl isn't an idiot) would totally erase that.

 

So what do you guys think? I should also note that, even following the bungled kiss in the restaurant, we had a long chat about our dreams and ambitions and stuff, and we agreed to do certain things/events in the future. So I kinda get the feeling that she was into me, or else she probably wouldn't have even considered promising to do things with me, and nor would she have lingered for another hour or two (she could easily have just said 'well, it's getting late, and I have work at 7 tomorrow; bye), but she didn't. I take it that's a good sign?

 

I don't know. I'm such a worrisome person. I really am into this girl, and while I don't think I've done anything horrendously stupid, and while this girl does understand me a lot better than most people (we have similar histories etc., she's prone to panic attacks etc.), I still worry that she's just lost all interest in me, even though I have very little reason to think so. On the other hand, I know that if I obsess about it, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy, since I'll come across as a needy baby (which I really am not, in the context of a relationship; I'm super low-maintenance. It's these periods of pre-relationship uncertainty that mess with my head).

 

So what do you guys think? Do I just need to chill out and take it easy? What's been said has been said (i.e. my apology) and I have no intention of bringing it up again if she doesn't address it. If she doesn't reply to it (and I'm not sure she will) then I'll just forget about it and talk about something totally unrelated with her, after it's faded from memory a bit. If she reacts negatively, I'll be honest/genuine/sincere without being self-deprecating. And if she says "don't worry about it" or "nah, I wasn't angry" or something to that effect, I'll just leave it and pretend nothing even happened.

 

Like I mentioned above, this girl is super guarded, and it's clear that she doesn't want to rush things. At the same time, though, she did spend quite a bit of time hanging out with me, and she even extended our dates far beyond the planned time, so clearly she must have some interest. I'm totally cool with taking things slow, so long as I know that that's what's going on here. It's not like I'm buying her tonnes of stuff or something, either, so she's not hanging out with me for the sake of receiving gifts. (She's pretty hard to give a gift to, actually, since she has some weird philosophy of feeling like she owes a gift back).

 

So what do you guys think? All of our chemistry and bonding etc. the other day has to count for at least something, right? More than one bit of awkwardness (which is arguable, given how it went down) can mess up in an instant?

[ibelcaniva]

Nevermind. She just told me she's not interested. such is life.