Who's He Gonna Choose?

[verhrzn]

Okay so I sort of posted a thread about this, and I've alluded to it, but here's the full story with my ex and I.

 

My ex dated for four years, two of which were long distance, Japan to the US (and sucked.) The long distance was enough to kill us, and we went NC for two years.

 

In July of 2012 I was going through his hometown and gave him a call. We met up, and the chemistry and connection were all still there. We decided to date again, and until April 2013 it was pretty damn good.

 

However, we were long distance again (not quite as far), and his future was very uncertain, given that he was applying to grad schools and not sure where he'd end up. I was also going through a lot of stress, working full time and going back to school. So I did a very stupid thing; started pushing him away, not communicating and hiding things. I was scared of him leaving, and at a very low point with my own self-esteem. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was looking to him to validate my own worth and attractiveness.

 

You regulars know attractiveness has always been a big sore spot with me. Well it was huge this summer. I let it completely control me. When he couldn't validate me (because no one could), I started thinking I should look elsewhere.

 

So in August, after he'd moved up to my city for a job, I dumped him. I then immediately jumped into a rebound with a guy friend of mine. Up until that point, the guy and I had had mutual attraction but hadn't done anything and been hanging out platonically.

 

I was a moron. My ex had done everything he could to help me and get through to me, and he was devastated when he found out about the guy (because he counted the condoms in my dresser and realized one was missing. OR one of my friends anonymously sent him a private conversation they had had with me. One or the other.)

 

So in September we went NC, though every few weeks one of us would break down and contact the other.

 

In November, we were having a good week where we could actually talk openly. I'd been in therapy for a few months, and felt much more confident, self-assured and secure. We hung out two or three times, and each time he would make some allusion to getting back together, how much he loved me, how he imagined me as the mother of his kids: "If we did, I'd want us to get into therapy." He also talked about how difficult his life was, between jobs; not able to afford anti-depressants, having suicidal thoughts. He also said if he died, he'd want me to have his dog.

 

Well one night he didn't answer the phone or his texts for several hours. And he always answers. I started panicking, remembering what he said. I had my first ever full-on anxiety attack, terrified he had done something to himself.

 

He hadn't. He was on a date (I didn't realize he was dating, he'd said just 5 days earlier he couldn't stop comparing girls to me.) But in that moment I realized how much he meant to me, how stupid and careless and awful I had been, and that if there was even a shred of a chance, I had to try to get him back.

 

I dumped the guy I had been seeing and I told him how I felt. He told me he cared about/still loved me as well, but was still hurt and angry over the summer, unsure if he could trust me.

 

About five weeks ago, we worked out a strategy. For four months, we'd try "dating." Not committed, just seeing if we can rebuild to that point. We'd be sexually exclusive, but at any point he could "take space" and stop contacting me. And if he came back inside the four months, I'd still be here waiting. He could go on dates to have fun (just no sex), but I would not.

 

And for a while, it was pretty darn good. We had sex, slept over, hung out maybe two or three times a week. We talked all day online at work. He still seemed angry and distrusting of me, but I tried to be strong and understanding and accepting that he wasn't going to be thrilled with me all the time. We talked about the future, how much we cared about each other.

 

I did accidentally run into one of his dates. It was the anniversary of his dog's death. Online that day he was very upset and distraught. He said he'd be drinking and yelling at the TV that night. So I thought I'd surprise him by showing up with chocolate and cuddles. He... actually had a date. I didn't meet her, he stopped me before I realized. But we talked about it, I trusted him and walked away, and the next day he said they'd decided to just be platonic friends.

 

That was 3 weeks ago. The last week he's seemed kind of distant. I tried to get him to talk about it. Finally on Sunday he did.

 

He admitted he'd been seeing a girl. Actually, since the night I had my panic attack (7 weeks ago.) He said he'd only slept with her once, before he and I did (I hope so, since we were having sex without condoms.) But he hadn't told her about me. And apparently, she believes they are exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend. She's told her family about him and all the adventures they're going to have.

 

I knew he'd had some dates. I didn't know this. I asked if he wanted to date her; if so, I'd graciously bow out. "My gut says no." He says he likes her, enjoys her company, and wishes she'd come along when he was sure what I and he were. He says the things he likes about her are things that remind him of me. But that he just can't manage being a boyfriend right now, especially with all of his feelings towards me. He said that he's felt like an *******, leading us both on, and kinda of cheating on both of us. (He also said the reason he's telling me all this "not any of your business BUT" is because he considers his dating her already dead.)

 

He says the gain of dating her wouldn't be worth the loss of me. He could have "taken space", per our agreement, and dated her, and I would never have known. But he didn't. He's hurt and angry and not sure if he wants me, but some part of him still seems to.

 

He is taking some space this week to figure things out. He is going to tell her, and then after a few days to get his head straight, talk to me.

 

I feel guilty. Guilty I have helped hurt this poor girl, since chances are she isn't going to dig this. I feel sad, sad that it had to get to this point, that things are so messed up. Angry, angry that he lied, that he is holding the "trust" thing over my head when he's now done the exact same freaking thing.

 

I told him that he needed to be honest with her, because maybe that means in the future if we do end up burying our connection, he can start something fresh with her from a place of honesty and trust. What he's done to her is disrespectful and uncaring; it doesn't show he wants to date her. I was strong when we talked, trying to help him work through it, comforting him.

 

But I am terrified. Terrified he'll choose her. That he just won't tell her, but cut me out and pretend we never happened. Or that he'll tell her, and she'll forgive him on the condition of shutting me out.

 

If he rejects me, I'll move on. I'll get over him, and I'll be happy. If he dates her, I'll be angry but accept it, and cut contact. But if there's a chance, I gotta take it. I love him. I love him more than I've loved anyone I've ever met, romantically or platonically. Not to be all lame, but he feels like my twin soul.

 

The question is... which way is he gonna go?

[darkmoon]

where he gets the better deal...

 

look, get to know more about her, plenty exes hang about annoying the girlfriend who gets hissy and is then accused of jealousy, insecurity, or immaturity, accused, so give him a good deal, better than hers, but date others too because I think he is a romeo, finds all this drama easy to handle, see

 

why wait around for him? straight question

Edited December 31, 2013 by darkmoon

[verhrzn]

where he gets the better deal...

 

look, get to know more about her, plenty exes hang about annoying the girlfriend who gets hissy and is then accused of jealousy, insecurity, or immaturity, accused, so give him a good deal, better than hers, but date others too because I think he is a romeo, finds all this drama easy to handle, see

 

why wait around for him? straight question

 

He says if I date others, he'll consider it me "giving up" and for sure move on.

 

Waiting around for him.... because I would give anything in the world to have a shot with him. Even all of this sucking and emotional pain. If I have a chance, I want to be there for it. He is amazingly intelligent, insightful, funny, nerdy, and passionate. I can be myself around him like no one else in the world. I never want to stop talking to him and hearing what he has to say. I look at him, and I see an amazing future of dogs and kids and love. If there is any, any chance at all... I have to try.

[Zahara]

He says if I date others, he'll consider it me "giving up" and for sure move on.

 

Waiting around for him.... because I would give anything in the world to have a shot with him. Even all of this sucking and emotional pain. If I have a chance, I want to be there for it. He is amazingly intelligent, insightful, funny, nerdy, and passionate. I can be myself around him like no one else in the world. I never want to stop talking to him and hearing what he has to say. I look at him, and I see an amazing future of dogs and kids and love. If there is any, any chance at all... I have to try.

 

You'd have a chance even if you weren't there for it. You don't have to endure emotional pain to make someone want to be with you. The thing is, whether you're there or not, if they wanted to be with you, they'd be with you. It's pretty simple. Sitting around waiting for someone to pick you only enables their indecisiveness and prolongs their indecision.

 

Kids, dogs and love is all great but fantasizing and dealing with reality are two seperate things. You deal with the situation that is infront of you now versus acting on what you hope for it to be in the future. If you walked away right now, he'd either run to you and be with you because he can't stand losing you or he'd stay with the girl because he wants to be with her. Either way you get an answer. And either way you get to move forward.

[Anela]

He says if I date others, he'll consider it me "giving up" and for sure move on.

 

 

I don't think that's fair of him. You could say the same thing about him dating other women.

[FitChick]

I get a faint whiff of martyrdom. It stinks! What you need to do is lay your cards on the table and say what you said above to us:

 

"I love [YOU]. I love [YOU] more than I've loved anyone I've ever met, romantically or platonically. Not to be all lame, but [YOU] feel like my twin soul."

 

Because I guarantee this other woman will be crying and pleading with him to stay and will swear she loves him like no other. He might think you are strong enough to be on your own but this poor girl NEEDS HIM!

[Leigh 87]

Well.

 

He can't be that crazy about her. Once a guy truly falls genuinely head over heels for a girl, a switch flips off; he simply doesn't have eyes for anyone else.

 

You guys have a broken past you need to sort out. It isn't about him meeting a girl that is the love of his life. It's about him testing the waters to see if he wants to date others.

 

She isn't it for him. In my opinion.

[clia]

About five weeks ago, we worked out a strategy. For four months, we'd try "dating." Not committed, just seeing if we can rebuild to that point. We'd be sexually exclusive, but at any point he could "take space" and stop contacting me. And if he came back inside the four months, I'd still be here waiting. He could go on dates to have fun (just no sex), but I would not.

 

This is a really WTF agreement.

 

He admitted he'd been seeing a girl. Actually, since the night I had my panic attack (7 weeks ago.) He said he'd only slept with her once, before he and I did (I hope so, since we were having sex without condoms.) But he hadn't told her about me. And apparently, she believes they are exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend. She's told her family about him and all the adventures they're going to have.

 

So, his story is that he had sex with her once, over five weeks ago (before you started sleeping with him), and hasn't had sex with her since? And yet she considers them to be exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend? And he has been dating her and spending time with her over the past five weeks?

 

I'm sorry, but that sounds completely preposterous. How exactly do you think he has been avoiding sex with his girlfriend? Why hasn't he corrected her if he disagrees that they are exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend?

 

Do you really believe he hasn't been having sex with this girl?

[tlegend]

Well.

 

He can't be that crazy about her. Once a guy truly falls genuinely head over heels for a girl, a switch flips off; he simply doesn't have eyes for anyone else.

 

You guys have a broken past you need to sort out. It isn't about him meeting a girl that is the love of his life. It's about him testing the waters to see if he wants to date others.

 

She isn't it for him. In my opinion.

 

I disagree.

 

Even if you fall head over heels for someone, you can always fall right back out of love.

[Leigh 87]

I disagree.

 

Even if you fall head over heels for someone, you can always fall right back out of love.

 

 

 

It is true of the men I know.

 

The men who have fallen head over heels for me simply did not have it within themselves to .... well, date and screw others.

 

 

If this new girl swept him off his feet, he would ditch the OP. Plain and simple.

 

 

There is a sort of "love" that happens, albeit less commonly than most types of love. It is when a guy meets a girl, and he is instantly quiet taken by her; she is always on his mind, and he is really into her.

 

That type of love I am inferring to, causes a man to fall in love quiet fast and hard.

 

 

So.. this new girl cannot possibly rock his world THAT much and me THAT sort of love, since he is still pondering whether or not to stick with the OP or his new squeeze.

 

 

 

I have NEVER met a man who was head over heels for a girl, who was on the fence about which girl to be with.

[sagetalk]

Not to be all lame, but he feels like my twin soul.

 

The question is... which way is he gonna go?

 

This relationship does not sound healthy at all. The feelings may be there, but toxic relationships, even with feeling, are not good for you. When a man says he has trouble trusting you, that is a big flashing sign of a toxic relationship. Trust is everything, way beyond feelings or attraction.

 

And from what you have posted, I see no reason why you should trust him either.

[Els]

V, I hope you have read the replies here and on your 'insecurity' thread and decided to terminate this agreement, or at least make a fairer one.

 

Nothing good can possibly come of this, especially with the insecurity issues you are facing.

[thinkingofhim]

No one is going to have sex with their new boyfriend once and then not again for 6+ weeks, while telling their whole family about how great he is etc. That's just silly.. He is definitely having sex with her.

 

This whole agreement sounds ridiculous. If you want an exclusive relationship with him, tell him that and tell him you won't accept being his FWB behind his gf's back. Because that's what you are right now.

[thinkingofhim]

I would bet MONEY that he's not going to say a word to the gf but will instead keep lying to OP and stringing both women along for as long as he can.

[Mrlonelyone]

Verhzn

 

 

The thing to remember is that rational people are self interested actors. Whatever they think is in their own self interest is what they will do at all times. Who is it in his best self interest to pick.

 

 

You can even hear him reasoning it out that way in what he said. He would loose more choosing her over you. If he follows that he will pick you.

 

 

@Leigh87

 

 

What you describe sounds like a fantasy or self delusion of perfect love. If all the men around you were like you described no one would ever break up. They do ergo they don't fall 100% head over heels permanently in love.

 

 

Love comes, and love goes. Love is complicated. It's ok and a good thing that it is complicated.

[William]

Since this is a personal issue and the thread starter abandoned it days ago and hasn't visited in awhile, I'll close it. If they wish to add anything further or seek further comment, they can alert moderation. Thanks for your participation!