Husband spent 2700.00 on a watch

[Got it]

Yikes... I retract what I said above, having read the rest of the thread!

 

I cannot believe that he spent this and would be extremely PO'd. Although, I would not have accepted the situation he brought along with himself.....

 

He should never have bought the watch.

 

WOW - I think we all assume different allowances in our dating existence, no?

 

So having a successful partnership such as yourself, and understanding the tax bracket you two have never had similar disconnects or need to communicate? Do you two have separate accounts, etc? Do you potentially have a slush fund, maybe for the guest bathroom hand towels?

 

I sent you a PM.

[WasOtherWoman]

I don't think I can PM yet, here. LOL, hand towels come strictly out of my allowance .

 

Yes, definitely we all have different things we can accept.... I am really sensitive about money though, as you probably already know.

 

We keep our money completely separate though, so we don't really consult each other on purchases at all.

 

My point was, though, that debt should always get taken care of first. So, the fact that he bought the watch would not have bothered me as much as the fact that the debt should have been attended to first, then the watch bought. That would have been my issue... more along the lines of responsibility first, fun later.

 

edited: responded to your PM

[rumbleseat]

The issue doesn't seem to be him buying the watch, what it seems more to be is that you want him to do something (return the watch if possible, or at the very least, understand that you are upset and why) yet won't tell him this because, as you put it, you aren't his mommy you're his wife.

So, I essence, you want him to come to this conclusion all by himself, and on some level, it bothers you that he doesn't.

 

You have two choices . Either tell him what you'd like him to do and then the ball is in his court, or say nothing and accept his decision.

 

In our marriage, my husband earns the bulk of the income, but I manage the money. I make sure all the bills are paid on time, make sure some gets put away in savings, Our TFSA, RESPs, RDSPs, etc. and budget for groceries and other expenses.

 

There have been times that he has made some impulse buys (like the 600 dollar watch that broke w few months after he bought it), which ticked me off, as I would rather have seen that money pay down debt or go into savings, and I had earmarked it for such. I told him that I was upset and why, we talked about it and we agreed that, in the future, we would discuss such large purchases to see if they could fit into the budget, and if they couldn't, then we would set something aside until we could save enough ( we didn't have a credit card at the time, as neither of us like using them. We do have one now, but use it only if we absolutely have to. What can I say? I'm cheap-lol) .

 

While I do all the budgeting, etc., we do sit down once a month and go ever the bills and expenses so that he Can see for himself where the money goes, how much is left, and have an input into deciding what to do with any extra. That way, he doesn't feel as if I am somehow withholding money from him, and I know that he understands our finances. We have one joint bank account that all of our combined income goes into and also one investment account. Our house is in both our names, as are all our other large possessions.

 

The key for us has been communication. If he's not happy with the way I' m managing the money, or if there is some large ticket item that he wants for himself that we have to save for, he tells me. If I feel that funds are being overspent, I tell him. We talk about it, and go from there. We don't let resentments build, as that just leads to anger.

[WasOtherWoman]

I think what makes it hard is that you don't want to have to tell someone what they should already know .... I can understand why this would be a hard conversation.

[Eclypse]

To be honest I'm not really sure what the issue is. If you're both earning ~$270,000 then why would a $2,700 purchase be an issue? I would hate to have to run every purchase by my wife. I spent $1,000 on the new Xbox and games and didn't ask anyone... Why should it be their business? I'm proud of the fact I have a good job and can buy nice things.

 

Now if the choice was between the watch or food for next month, then that's a different story. But this isn't like that. I understand you are in slight debt but as you said its nothing serious and it'll get paid off next month. I just don't think it's wise to be making a huge deal out of this.

[xxoo]

I think what makes it hard is that you don't want to have to tell someone what they should already know .... I can understand why this would be a hard conversation.

 

The hard conversations are often the most necessary ones.

[beach]

Does he recognize his impulsive trait?

 

What is his plan to change that area of his thought process - what actions will he do differently next time this comes up?

 

Is he impulsive in other areas of his life choices?

[WasOtherWoman]

The hard conversations are often the most necessary ones.

 

Very true. I think it is not actually HAVING the conversation that would be hard. It would be knowing that you need to tell someone what they should already know. It is not the conversation itself, but the disappointment in needing to have it.

 

does that even make any sense?

[BOREDouttaMymind]

sold at a loss. that kind of sounds like most things. sure you might lose some money, but whats better?... getting $1500 or none. calculator please!

 

he has a spending problem that obviously needs to be addressed. you need to sit down with a financial accountant.

 

or.. have him watch my favorite life lesson about money...good old bill cosby..

 

THE COSBY SHOW - REGULAR PEOPLE - YouTube

[beach]

So at this point I am happier with how the conversation went, but I do think it is definitely an issue we need to keep working on. He is very sorry about it and asked me if I could forgive him. I said what I wanted was him to take this issue and for him to do some research/find a resource for us to work on it; to show he is investing to working on this. What I don't want is "rinse and repeat" as this was a very big deal. That I am concerned that if there is money in the account that he will spend it. That he lacks patience for things he wants (though they are not usually things solely for him like this but still big ticket items and non essential expenses) It wasn't that he couldn't have gotten a watch at that expense but it shouldn't be a surprise and I wanted to have say in it as well. I like that he loves watches and have given my thoughts on prior watches so felt very left out on this purchase. Also that paying my debt was very important to me, which I have expressed frequently and that it hurt me that he hasn't prioritized it. That if something was important to one of us it should be important to both of us (especially something like that which would benefit/strengthen both of our financial health).

 

So we discussed separate accounts. I bring in the bulk of the money as his goes to child support and alimony and previous marital debt. So I will take over the mortgage and most of the other bills. But separating the accounts is a bandaid for the issue that we need to resolve. I understand what he did, I did similar in my previous marriage and made purchases without my ex's insight and would hide it. (I bought one of my horses and didn't tell my ex. Horse has been an issue so that little impulse buy is still with me teaching me the lesson. So it has been a lesson driven home ad nauseum. ) I realized what a mistake that is and my husband and I have discussed at length and I went over how I have changed. So we have made a concerted effort to be very transparent with each other on things.

 

 

Has he researched the issue as he agreed? What has HE pinpointed as the issue that will be changed?

 

Since most of his money goes to his prior family's obligations - how does he plan to participate in this newer M?

 

Separating your money doesn't eliminate his impulses... What is he changing to work on getting that in balance?

[Fugu]

If we had talked, I would have had no issue with this purchase but would have wanted to push to his quarter 2 bonus instead. I know that this amount is actually on the lower end for these types of watches and while I don't share the affinity for watches I know equivalent pricing in purses. And in my sport, that will buy me an off the track thoroughbred so on the low end for purchases.

 

We have continued to talk about it, he has continued to apologize, and we are going to really work on how our finances are structured. He does need a slush fund where he can buy what he wants without needing to always get my approval. I am fine if it is a certain percent and he saves that up to make the purchase. How he spends it will be entirely up to him.

 

To me, this is the biggest problem - that he didn't talk to you about it BEFORE he purchased it. It's perfectly fine to be a watch enthusiast, but if you have talked about achieving a financial goal together, then it's wrong for him to spend so much money on...a watch. Even a computer for his home-based business -- that I would kinda get. But even then, I think it's just a matter of respect and good communications to discuss major purchases. If it's small time stuff, meh, no problem. But any major purchases need to be discussed beforehand.

 

Maybe you all just need to define what a "major" purchase is. As silly as this might seem, what's 'common sense' to one person might not be to another. Talk about it. Learn from it. Grow from it. Has to be two people talking, listening, learning, and growing though, not just you.

[Got it]

sold at a loss. that kind of sounds like most things. sure you might lose some money, but whats better?... getting $1500 or none. calculator please!

 

he has a spending problem that obviously needs to be addressed. you need to sit down with a financial accountant.

 

or.. have him watch my favorite life lesson about money...good old bill cosby..

 

THE COSBY SHOW - REGULAR PEOPLE - YouTube

 

Outside of this please cite where he has a spending issue that requires a financial accountant?

[thefooloftheyear]

Most people I know that are on their second, third marriages,etc,..are pretty much "whats mine is mine and whats yours is yours"...

 

Of course this is after the basic expenses are covered and split up as according to whatever is outlined..This is providing both spouses work and there isnt some other agreement..

 

I cant say this is true for everyone, just many that I know..*shrug*

 

TFY

[Got it]

To me, this is the biggest problem - that he didn't talk to you about it BEFORE he purchased it. It's perfectly fine to be a watch enthusiast, but if you have talked about achieving a financial goal together, then it's wrong for him to spend so much money on...a watch. Even a computer for his home-based business -- that I would kinda get. But even then, I think it's just a matter of respect and good communications to discuss major purchases. If it's small time stuff, meh, no problem. But any major purchases need to be discussed beforehand.

 

Maybe you all just need to define what a "major" purchase is. As silly as this might seem, what's 'common sense' to one person might not be to another. Talk about it. Learn from it. Grow from it. Has to be two people talking, listening, learning, and growing though, not just you.

 

I agree, I think this has addressed a much more detailed conversation that is needed and some assumptions that each party has had. We had not discussed a threshold that things would be discussed or not, I have a mental number of 500.00 but that was just me. We have tended to discuss things. With the past year our purchases were on the renovation of the house I still owned with my ex, the purchase of our new house, moving and the wedding. So large purchases tied to all of them that we discussed. This is the first unilateral decision that he has made.

 

I agree, I think it is proving to be a great opportunity for us to learn and grow and warranting some good conversations. We haven't been able to have too many discussion on it as our focus as been on the kids and numerous family events but we will talk more in the coming days as things slow down.

[Got it]

Most people I know that are on their second, third marriages,etc,..are pretty much "whats mine is mine and whats yours is yours"...

 

Of course this is after the basic expenses are covered and split up as according to whatever is outlined..This is providing both spouses work and there isnt some other agreement..

 

I cant say this is true for everyone, just many that I know..*shrug*

 

TFY

 

And we are trying to do things a bit differently here. I find it interesting that it seems the male posters are the most "blase" on this or aware that they or others do it.

 

I know from male colleagues that they make purchases that their spouses don't know about but they also handle the money so just hide it. Shoot, I know a women who buy that expensive purse and hide it in the closet and pretend they have had it a long time.

 

Again, can I steer people back to my original questions?

[Got it]

Has he researched the issue as he agreed? What has HE pinpointed as the issue that will be changed?

 

Since most of his money goes to his prior family's obligations - how does he plan to participate in this newer M?

 

Separating your money doesn't eliminate his impulses... What is he changing to work on getting that in balance?

 

I believe I have answered this? Is his only participation in this marriage solely monetary? Does this mean a SAHP does not participate in their marriage? And he does contribute financially to our marriage, I have stated that. It is just to a lesser amount than I but I don't see that as an issue. It isn't like he is frittering away his money. This is a one time purchase, there haven't been other things that he has bought for himself.

[beach]

I didn't read what he researched and what he learned about himself in the process of his research.

 

I saw where he agreed to different terms of money and spending - but did he do research to understand what's behind his impulse? How that impulse harmed you and the trust within your M?

 

And does he understand that not keeping his word on paying his money to his debt might make you feel that he says one thing and does another?

[Got it]

I didn't read what he researched and what he learned about himself in the process of his research.

 

I saw where he agreed to different terms of money and spending - but did he do research to understand what's behind his impulse? How that impulse harmed you and the trust within your M?

 

And does he understand that not keeping his word on paying his money to his debt might make you feel that he says one thing and does another?

 

beach, it has been three days. We have had limited conversations on it so I don't know the extent of what he has researched. Some of these questions are far too weighty to have been able to full answer in the past 72 hours with the amount of other things we have had going on. There has been limited down time.

 

Like I have said in my posts to others these are the areas that we will be discussing in future conversations.

 

And I do not feel that he says one thing and does another. As I said it and he seemed to agree/tacitly agreed. What I feel is that I have expressed a priority and he has not respected it as a mutual priority nor given me the opportunity to debate it. So he made a unilateral decision that should have been discussed. My concern is that my desires and priorities matter and we do not make unilateral decisions like this. Or we have safe guards in place to make sure we cover essential needs and then have the freedom to do what we want with our play money.

 

We will discuss further but have not been able to have more than a few minutes alone past sleeping for the past week to have this conversation.

[beach]

beach, it has been three days. We have had limited conversations on it so I don't know the extent of what he has researched. Some of these questions are far too weighty to have been able to full answer in the past 72 hours with the amount of other things we have had going on. There has been limited down time.

 

Like I have said in my posts to others these are the areas that we will be discussing in future conversations.

 

And I do not feel that he says one thing and does another. As I said it and he seemed to agree/tacitly agreed. What I feel is that I have expressed a priority and he has not respected it as a mutual priority nor given me the opportunity to debate it. So he made a unilateral decision that should have been discussed. My concern is that my desires and priorities matter and we do not make unilateral decisions like this. Or we have safe guards in place to make sure we cover essential needs and then have the freedom to do what we want with our play money.

 

We will discuss further but have not been able to have more than a few minutes alone past sleeping for the past week to have this conversation.

 

I see - thanks for the clarification.

[nittygritty]

LS always makes me laugh. It is the quintessential pendulum swing. So we have on one end that this isn't a big deal and his money all the way to the other end where I need to lawyer up and seek protection and a divorce now. Not unexpected and I do appreciate the range to consider and tend to believe most things in life fall somewhere in the middle.

 

To clear up some confusion:

 

1. He does have debt from his previous marriage. That is/was a known. He assumed all debt when he divorced as well as what remained on the house when they short sold (our area was under water at that time. This way short selling had a minor hit on their credit since he is still paying the second mortgage. He also agreed to a much higher than required child support and alimony as he saw it would benefit all parties. He pays out until the kids are 20 and alimony in full until the youngest is 20. So is average payment is about 5,000 a month. This, plus their debt, left him living off his solely his bonuses every quarter. Because I agree with this I have had little issues with assume our expenses since we do not have kids and his kids should take priority.

 

2. The monies used was part of his Christmas gift from my dad to him. My father gives each of his kids and their spouses a total of 14,000 annually between the two celebrations. It is the max allowed before having to declare and pay the gift tax. This was given to him, not us. But we had discussed it being used for my/our credit card debt that had accrued after the past couple years from expenses for him, for the renovation on the house I owned and just sold with my ex, our wedding, etc.

 

The money he earns goes toward child support, alimony and previous marital debt and you are paying for the house and most of the other bills and he is buying himself a $2700 dollar watch with your year end bonus money and the money your father gifts to you that was intended to pay off your credit card debt? So his money is his money and your money is his money too?

 

3. After this summer his credit card debt will be paid off and he will contribute 2,000.00 more a month to our household. He contributes about 1,500.00 a month now.

 

4. We have been married less than a year. We do not have any kids together and I do not have any children.

 

5. Yes I was fully aware of his financial history and current situation. I know that prior to his divorce he had been in very good financial standing and an almost perfect credit score rating. So while the few years have been a bit of hit he has shown decent credit history. In fact his score has never dropped below the high 600's. And yes his name is on the house. He did help secure the loan for it as it is a specialized loan that I would not have been eligible for on my own.

 

6. Yes there is a pre nup. No, all of my jewelry was paid with cash. There was no debt tied to it.

 

7. No I am not worried about being bankrupt. Things are not at that level by any chance. I guess if we were to both lose our jobs, etc. that could potentially happen but even then I have backing with my dad that would help prevent that issue. But this issue with my husband is no where close to that level nor would he allow it.

 

8. So to bring things back into perspective, this was liquid cash that could have gone to debt but didn't. We should have our debt paid off this year regardless. It was about him telling me one thing and doing another because he got swept up in the moment. So it is about getting each of us to do a mental "half halt" when we are out alone and thinking about what the other person thinks and feels. We each have a history of running solo in our thoughts and decisions and so thinking as a partner is a "work in progress" for us. We are very dedicated to being a team but we both have bobbled.

 

9. I find it amusing the number of people who seem to tie him to his income and contribution and I question if it is a gender issue. I think if roles were reverse there would be more discussion of shared funds and criticizing those that were allocating worth to household income. My understanding is that when we married we were combined. I am working on my thinking to go this way and not think "my money/his money". We are co-CEOs of our "company". So we sink or swim together.

 

10. I don't see that he "expected me to understand" outside of potentially his knee jerk response. But even then he has been very apologetic about it and has lost any anger tied to it. In regards to returning the watch, I am on the fence on whether or not I even what it returned. It was about the principle of his thought process not the actual purchase. And I am not sure yet if I feel strongly enough to push to return. I know if I did he would but I don't want it to be based on my saying anything as I am not sure yet my actual feelings tied to it. If he felt he needed to return it I would be fine with it. If he doesn't . . . I am not sure where I am right now on it. No one feeling comes out either way.

 

I can say he hasn't had it on since the blow up. So unfortunately the watch is "tainted" now with it. Do I know if that is short term, long term or whatever, no not yet. I do not agree it was passive aggressive as this is assuming some preconceived plan. I don't know if it is to that extent. I think it has opened the door for further discussions for us on exactly what we should be doing. I think it has exposed weaknesses in his thought process and impulse control. I do know he has been very honest in our discussions with this. I am not afraid that there is anything else there, anything not told, etc.

 

11. Maybe, for some people, if you changed the total to a 270.00 expense this may help put things a bit in perspective and temper the responses.

 

12. Yes I have a lot of say in our marriage. I am not a wallflower so that isn't an issue. While he is a strong personality as well we defer to each other in different matters. I have never questioned his respect of me and as his partner. This is an anomaly issue and the bigger issue is really tied to impatience on spending. He has been lusting after a watch for the last 4 years and was not in a place to buy one or could not prioritize it high enough. This is the first time that he had the cash available without immediate life/death priorities. And I think the heart of the issue is that he didn't prioritize my debt being paid off as highly as I did. It isn't that he didn't see that it needed to be paid down, one credit card with just paid off and closed. I just want it 100% gone because I want it 100% gone. This has brought to light that he was seeing that if a few thousand remained, what was the big deal? For me the issue was it went counter to what was important to me and there was no discussion countering it.

 

12. My initial post was asking for words of wisdom on how you have dealt with similar matters in your life and came out in a positive manner. How have you addressed financial disparities, break downs in communication, etc. I do not recall my post asking for a lambasting of my husband though I am not saying I am looking for just warm fuzzies. I am looking for the middle of the road and not conspiracy theories.

 

13. We have discussed slush funds for each other so that we could do what we wanted without needing weigh in. Because I see that we may want to buy things that the other doesn't prioritize. I know that I may want to buy something that he doesn't see why and I don't want to feel that I always have to "get permission" to do so. So if a certain % goes into each of our own accounts this would be a positive. Obviously these accounts would be the first to go during lean years. Also, from having divorced once and knowing other's situations, having a potential nest egg is good for both parties. You never know when you need it. So he could save it and buy an expensive watch and that would be fine. Or I can use mine to support any new horses and keep my expenses to that account.

 

Thank you for the posters who have understood this and answered accordingly. And yes, this was bought for husband NOT for a kid.

 

We haven't been able to have a really long drawn out discussion this with the kids around but should in the coming days. But the conversations have been productive and husband is contrite and not defensive.

 

Got it, I was not suggesting that you talk to a lawyer to file for divorce. I said to talk to a lawyer for the purposes of personal assets if you did not have a prenuptial agreement in place that covered everything and estate planning. It is good that you knew about his debt and financial situation going into the marriage and that you are okay with financially supporting him until some of his debt is paid off.

 

Clearly you love your husband and value your marriage. My advice was to help you to find a way that you can handle or cope with being married to someone that impulsively spends and doesn't communicate with you about it prior to doing it. You can communicate to him that you would like him to change or do things differently but the bottom line is that it just may be how he is and his approach to handling finances and communication. Accept that about him if you want to stay married to him. He doesn't have a problem with what he did, you do. So accept that he isn't likely to change. Separate bank accounts would prevent some future potential problems. No need to get mad if he spends the money your father gives him for Christmas on himself. It doesn't matter if it's $270 dollars or $2700 dollars. As long you can afford to pay the bills and are okay with continuing to do that, then it was never really a problem, right?

[WasOtherWoman]

So, for whatever it is worth... you really never DID agree on an amount that you could unilaterally spend, right? If we bring this issue back specifically to the point of him spending an amount that you felt (or could be argued that you unilaterally decided, but never told him ) could be spent without consulting the other.. he didn't really do anything wrong, right?

 

You had a figure in your head which you did not share with him (most likely because the opportunity never arose in which you had reason to). The opportunity arose, he made his decision. You've discussed it, agreed on a course of action for next time.

 

So, my two cents is, let it go for now. You made your thoughts clearly known this time, he has agreed, so, let him enjoy his watch now.

 

Stop talking about it for now, file it away as forgiven but not forgotten and give him the opportunity to do the right thing, as agreed upon, next time.

 

It is my very humble opinion that talking too much to a man about something often has the opposite effect. Men are not wired like we are, we like to talk, they don't. Once something's been said, they are done with it.

 

If he does something similar next time, you know you have a bigger issue to address. But hopefully not and this will just be one of the learning events for your marriage.

[Turtles]

He showed a lack of respect by not letting you know first but in the end, you are making a whole lot of fuss over a relatively minor amount (relative to your income that is, and especially considering that he brings in some of that income as well). If it is a big deal to you you need to make a budget that includes a "fun fund" for him (and you) this way you will sidestep the issue entirely.

 

OK, so to put things in perspective - I would not make a purchase amounting to over half my mortgage payment without at least letting my SO know first, because I think it's disrespectful... but at the same time, if I ever did on an impulse and she made a scene, storming out of the restaurant, I'd be pretty pissed at her.

[HokeyReligions]

I think you missed the point. The OP's husband had given his word that the intention of the money he got was to be used to pay down his debt.

 

Then he spent the money on the watch instead of what he had agreed to (debt).

 

 

It was a passive aggressive immature decision for sure.

 

He COULD have had a simple conversation with his wife about changing the terms of their agreement! But instead he blew her off - purchased impulsively - then expected her to understand.

 

He acts like a 5 year old who wants a cookie. He's gonna take the cookie and hope Mom won't get "too mad".

 

Maybe he enjoys seeing how far he can push without his wife getting too mad? Where's the boundary?

I was referring to the responses in general. Its like the couples are in competition with each other for control of the marriage.

[yellowmaverick]

First, make sure that your H understands that the real issue is his failure to discuss the purchase with you as opposed to the amount spent. Then, I would recommend reaching an agreement on a dollar thresshold over which purchases would have to agreed upon by both spouses.

 

Let the watch issue go. It's already spent and he knows how you feel. Handle the issue on a go-forward basis.

[beach]

But he did already agree to researching the way he participated and discussing that with her - and making an agreement how not to do it the same way next time.

 

So I suppose I will be interested to see what research he presents and what he learns from that info. Also of interest is what he has to say about how he plans to handle these situations in the future.