IC for me

[WrinkledForehead]

I've been doing some self-work. I've been introspecting and looking at my darker places that reside inside. I spent an evening before Christmas bawling and reading some things on adult children from dysfunctional homes. I posted something on it under the self-development section on here if anyone is interested in the read.

 

I was having a pretty in-depth talk with bf the other night and I looked at him and stated, "there are things I worry about with us. People look at their feelings about current situations in their life and often apply various bits of knowledge from the past to make sense of it by relating it to something they already know. I have some trust issues. I saw how you treated me (I was not treated terribly in the A and felt cared for), but I also know your innermost thoughts on how you viewed her and the level of deception you are capable of. The onus does not fall completely on you, as I participated as well, but it will take time for us to rebuild."

 

It felt damned good to say that. It's this thing I hadn't quite pinpointed but is really the root of my insecurity.

 

90% of the time I know I can trust him entirely. 10% of the time some situation will make me doubt what I know.

 

So, my question. Do I speak about this in IC? I'm not sure I should go for full disclosure in IC. The reasons are two-fold: 1) I don't want to be judged harshly or end up with a therapist who will have some bias and 2) I don't want our R to be the sole focus of therapy. I'm looking for healing, cognitive behavioral therapy to change certain reactions and behaviors, and ultimately I'd like to examine the events in my life which have conditioned any negative current behaviors.

 

What say you?

Edited December 31, 2013 by WrinkledForehead

[WrinkledForehead]

Yes, you should talk about it in IC. I don't think you'll really find the healing your looking for if you don't bring it up. It's unlikely that the therapist will judge you for anything you tell them. Trust me, they have heard it all and nothing will shock them. They have an ethical obligation to refer you to another therapist if they don't think they can adequately help you due to personal biases. Most therapists will honor that obligation. In the event that your therapist does start making you feel judged or uncomfortable, you don't have to go back. You can find someone else who is a better fit for you. Switching therapists is common, and sometimes it takes more than one try to find someone you feel comfortable enough with to share everything.

 

It seems like you have a good understanding of cognitive behavioral therapy, and that approach sounds like it would be good for the things you want to work on. During the first few sessions, the therapist will try to get an idea of what you currently want to work on. Because it seems like your relationship has been a big catalyst in your decision to try IC, the therapist will likely want to talk about it. However, the focus will be on you, your feelings, and your behaviors with regard to it. I think it would be beneficial for you to talk about the relationship and your insecurities because it seems to be weighing heavily on your mind. However, it doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) the focus of your therapy. If you don't want to talk about the relationship at a particular point in time or feel as though sessions are focusing too much on it, just say so.

 

Good luck! I hope you find the healing you're looking for.

 

Hi, and thanks so much for the response. I've been in therapy before and right now I'm studying the biology and psychology of the brain as the focus of my undergrad work, so I do have a pretty good grasp of what to expect.

 

I actually started seeking therapy (not in a huge way) last year, prior to even meeting MM. I was under massive amounts of stress. I ended up finding a therapist who was a complete waste of time and didnt attend after the first session. But I digress. I think I'm nervous about revealing the A because it is something SO stigmatized by society. But it does need to be discussed.

 

The reminder that I can decide what to discuss is helpful. It's been several years since I've seen someone, so even though I know what to expect, its new in some ways.

 

I appreciate the well wishes. I've been so focused on self development since the affair ended; working on healing versus merely maintaining is so nice.

[Speakingofwhich]

I was having a pretty in-depth talk with bf the other night and I looked at him and stated, "there are things I worry about with us. People look at their feelings about current situations in their life and often apply various bits of knowledge from the past to make sense of it by relating it to something they already know. I have some trust issues. I saw how you treated me (I was not treated terribly in the A and felt cared for), but I also know your innermost thoughts on how you viewed her and the level of deception you are capable of. The onus does not fall completely on you, as I participated as well, but it will take time for us to rebuild."

 

It felt damned good to say that. It's this thing I hadn't quite pinpointed but is really the root of my insecurity.

 

90% of the time I know I can trust him entirely. 10% of the time some situation will make me doubt what I know.

 

So, my question. Do I speak about this in IC? I'm not sure I should go for full disclosure in IC. The reasons are two-fold: 1) I don't want to be judged harshly or end up with a therapist who will have some bias and 2) I don't want our R to be the sole focus of therapy. I'm looking for healing, cognitive behavioral therapy to change certain reactions and behaviors, and ultimately I'd like to examine the events in my life which have conditioned any negative current behaviors.

 

What say you?

 

Wrinkled, I agree with threelaurel's post. Also, I'm so glad that you were able to voice your thoughts to bf. That's fantastic!

 

To address your concerns about being judged and/or having that influence your therapy I wouldn't worry about it at all. Your issues relating to the A are relatively mild compared to some things that are brought into a therapist's office.

 

It may take you some time to find a therapist that you're compatible with but it seems it would be worth the effort and I support you in taking the journey. Good for you and glad you keep posting!

 

At some point I probably will return to continue posting about my own situation but in the meantime I am continuing to read and learn from posters which ones 1. may remain long term in here and 2. have good judgement and are able to see past their own personal experience. It seems to be quite a mixed bag, and understandably so.

[flowingmane]

OP, It's a question that has crossed my mind as well. I have not told anyone the true basis for our R. For exactly those reasons - bias, attempted persuasive thinking - plus potentially this getting out to people I don't want to know. Yet I have considered IC to help me figure out why I'm reacting the way I am to some things, and reconciling my guilt over being in an A to begin with, especially being the one to initiate it. (would he had had one at some point without me, probably, I think he had a serious EA before he met me, but still...).

 

My father had As when I was growing up, so my mom was the BS. That may play into how I view some things and why I could overlook my morals and be in an A to begin with. It would be interesting to explore. I thought my dad was a jerk, but I thought my mom would have been better served as a nun. It was dysfunctional marriage 101 and I had a front row seat.

 

Also trust issues that have arisen from previous relationships, both romantic and professional, play a part in how I'm reacting to my MM. He has triggered some things in me through not keeping simple day to day commitments and by reducing communication about "us" and our future to zilch since he moved in.

 

All that babbling means, yes I think it's worth the risk. Bring specific topics, specific questions to work through, and politely request exploring things outside the dynamics of the relationship. You can always bring in the A and the R if you see a clear connection to something forming. I think starting with the R makes it the center of any introspective study you do, and your life and your identity is more than just the R

[WrinkledForehead]

I think a short A like yours wouldnt cause any therapist to be aghast or judgmental. They see much more shocking things. As for your R, I think at the stage youre in (under 1 yr, and only a few months since he broke up with his other GF), things shouldnt be so hard and anxiety causing. It should be fun and exciting, not painful and worrisome. Have u considered slowing things down, giving him time alone to be single? The onlt issue I see to explore is why you's get involved in such a situation anyway.

.

Goodluck though. It seems like youre smart and alwaus seeking to improve, but I just dont see why you'd rush into a serious R with someone so soon out of a LTR

 

It's actually not hard and the anxiety is little. I suppose it may seem from my posts in this section of the forum that things are tough, but really that's just what I choose to focus on here. The relationship is phenomenal and healthy and full of love and respect for another. I'm examining the pieces which aren't right and I'm seeking the ways to continue to grow with my partner and work through the things that need it.

 

Thanks for the bit about the therapist. That is reassuring!

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

You will only get out of therapy what you put into it. If you hide that part of you, you won't grow. And you will grow immensely during this time. I feel like my greatest period of self-growth and reflection happened during turmoil. Don't hide yourself or you will not be able to heal.

[Popsicle]

I've been doing some self-work. I've been introspecting and looking at my darker places that reside inside. I spent an evening before Christmas bawling and reading some things on adult children from dysfunctional homes. I posted something on it under the self-development section on here if anyone is interested in the read.

 

I was having a pretty in-depth talk with bf the other night and I looked at him and stated, "there are things I worry about with us. People look at their feelings about current situations in their life and often apply various bits of knowledge from the past to make sense of it by relating it to something they already know. I have some trust issues. I saw how you treated me (I was not treated terribly in the A and felt cared for), but I also know your innermost thoughts on how you viewed her and the level of deception you are capable of. The onus does not fall completely on you, as I participated as well, but it will take time for us to rebuild."

 

It felt damned good to say that. It's this thing I hadn't quite pinpointed but is really the root of my insecurity.

 

90% of the time I know I can trust him entirely. 10% of the time some situation will make me doubt what I know.

 

So, my question. Do I speak about this in IC? I'm not sure I should go for full disclosure in IC. The reasons are two-fold: 1) I don't want to be judged harshly or end up with a therapist who will have some bias and 2) I don't want our R to be the sole focus of therapy. I'm looking for healing, cognitive behavioral therapy to change certain reactions and behaviors, and ultimately I'd like to examine the events in my life which have conditioned any negative current behaviors.

 

What say you?

 

You're not crazy. I would feel this way too if I had ended up in a R with xMM.

Funny thing about it, is that he seemed to have trust issues with me too, I guess because even though I was single, I clearly wasn't honoring his M commitment either. Like he thought I would do that with anyone.

 

And, by the way, my parents never cheated on each other, nor have I been exposed to cheating in my life, before this.

Edited January 1, 2014 by Popsicle