Sometimes They Come Back!

[keepontruckin]

Separated for nine months. Served with divorce docs five months ago. No contact from her for seven months.

 

I made every mistake in the book at first. Begging, temper tantrums, etc... I didn't DO the 180, and now I have to explain THAT behaviour somewhat also:laugh:

 

I thought she was gone for good, and I eventually just gave up. I did send her a Christmas card though, very basic wishing her Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year.

 

Eating burger at a random Burger Stand... She walks up. I look like ****. She thanks me for the card, so I roll with it! Ask about the car, and the brakes are 'squeaking'...

 

So, I must drive home and grab my brake tools (a working ear and eyes to determine brake problems, a shower, shave, and expensive cologne to determine the rest)

 

Brakes are fine. Surface rust on the rotor.

 

Some dynamics have changed. We both admit fault in the deterioration. There never was another man. And she is crazy about me like she was when she first met.

 

We had both slipped... Mostly me. I will admit to the the majority of fault, and accept that.

 

Just a happy story for the many that wallow in despair.

 

And know that if some dynamics do not change, we'll be back here crying in our beer!

 

Keep your heads up, and if you don't see me around, assume my stbxw and I are fixing ****!

 

She wants to be with me 24/7 now... How fast women can change:laugh:

[looking4_hope]

Thank you for sharing! Wonderful story

[RedHawk08]

How nasty did things get between you both?

Just to see what it's possible to come back from.

[keepontruckin]

How nasty did things get between you both?

Just to see what it's possible to come back from.

Well, essentially the marriage just broke down. However, there was no infidelity by either parties, neither before nor after the separation.

 

Now, at this point the dynamics have somewhat changed. We've both had nine months to reflect. This brings clarity.

 

However, she is being cautious... It's not like things are "just like before." It almost seems like things are going to have to be "rebuilt" from the ground up.

 

I am optimistic as of yet, but by no means can I say that there is a guarantee that things will turn out successful in the long term. However, I am in a position now in my life where I am willing to accept that risk.

[RedHawk08]

Good on ya both!

That's the best way I think. Just take it as it comes with no expectations.

Have you called a halt to the divorce proceedings now?

[keepontruckin]

I am sensing that it is far too early on to even touch on the matter of the divorce proceedings.

 

However, keep in mind that we'll still have to stay separated for another 3 months (for a total of one year) before the divorce can be finalized, so I suppose at this point it is a topic that I won't push too heavily on her.

[RedHawk08]

Yes a lot can happen in 3 months.

I wish you both well!

 

You two are in a similar time frame to me.

 

Things were ugly on Sunday, but in a few days she was calm and respectful regarding collecting boxes of wedding things.

 

Ah the crazy nature of WAW's! Haha

[keepontruckin]

They are crazy! They are emotional creatures with moods that can swing to extremes at the flip of a switch!

 

I wish you the best of luck with whatever happens. I know at this point in my life, I simply take things on a day by day basis... It is the ONLY way to maintain composure. I try not to worry too much about what tomorrow may bring.

[nj10018]

i see you said no infidelity, did either of you date at all while you were separated?

[keepontruckin]

i see you said no infidelity, did either of you date at all while you were separated?

Not at all.

 

I entertained the thought briefly, but I knew that I was in no position to date to simply fill a void in my life.

[dreamcatcher975]

I made every mistake in the book at first. Begging, temper tantrums, etc... I didn't DO the 180, and now I have to explain THAT behaviour somewhat also:laugh:

 

I thought she was gone for good, and I eventually just gave up./QUOTE]

 

Did you do this during or before your separation??

 

I feel like i've lost my H because i did this. Any suggestions on how to get back up??

[RedHawk08]

I made every mistake in the book at first. Begging, temper tantrums, etc... I didn't DO the 180, and now I have to explain THAT behaviour somewhat also:laugh:

 

I thought she was gone for good, and I eventually just gave up./QUOTE]

 

Did you do this during or before your separation??

 

I feel like i've lost my H because i did this. Any suggestions on how to get back up??

 

I know it's tough! But you need to do the complete opposite now, and STICK to it!

 

I made that mistake badly. I was put on Prozac days before the Bomb Drop, and I quickly discovered that stuff does NOT agree with me!

The mood swings were horrific!

[keepontruckin]

Did you do this during or before your separation??

 

I feel like i've lost my H because i did this. Any suggestions on how to get back up??

The begging and temper tantrums? Well, understandably so I only did this AFTER she left me. The divorce docs arrived at my door a little later.

 

Now, here's the light at the end of the tunnel for you... She really doesn't blame me for my behaviour after she split, as I believe we all can understand how hard this time can be. She also admits it was very hard for her also. I have had to accept that I was less of a husband than I should have been at times, and she has had to accept some fault also. And that is a hard thing for people to do. We don't like to admit weakness...

 

However, how you act now can set a new bar for any possible future reconciliation... I finally let go, dynamics had changed, and only then can things be rebuilt.

 

So, the 180 is very important. However, a Christmas card I sent, expecting nothing in return, did produce a new "spark," so to say... It had taken ten months, but by then we were both in a different position in our lives, so to speak.

 

Now, we may be an anomaly, since there was no infidelity by either partner, but nonetheless dynamics must change. And it is crucial that both parties desire a change of some dynamics, or to at least accept existing ones.

 

And as an update, we've spent every waking moment of almost two weeks together, and things have never been better...

 

However, I may be over optimistic at this point... To rebuild something that has crashed takes time. A LOT of time and effort. Many aren't willing to invest the time and effort, which is sad... I do believe it can be done, however, should circumstances be just right...

 

And as a side note, we were both convinced that the other had at least dated in this ten month period. For all intents and purposes, we should have been. Neither of us did. Again, something to think about before "filling that void" too abruptly.

[dreamcatcher975]

The begging and temper tantrums? Well, understandably so I only did this AFTER she left me. The divorce docs arrived at my door a little later.

 

Now, here's the light at the end of the tunnel for you... She really doesn't blame me for my behaviour after she split, as I believe we all can understand how hard this time can be. She also admits it was very hard for her also. I have had to accept that I was less of a husband than I should have been at times, and she has had to accept some fault also. And that is a hard thing for people to do. We don't like to admit weakness...

 

However, how you act now can set a new bar for any possible future reconciliation... I finally let go, dynamics had changed, and only then can things be rebuilt.

 

So, the 180 is very important. However, a Christmas card I sent, expecting nothing in return, did produce a new "spark," so to say... It had taken ten months, but by then we were both in a different position in our lives, so to speak.

 

Now, we may be an anomaly, since there was no infidelity by either partner, but nonetheless dynamics must change. And it is crucial that both parties desire a change of some dynamics, or to at least accept existing ones.

 

And as an update, we've spent every waking moment of almost two weeks together, and things have never been better...

 

However, I may be over optimistic at this point... To rebuild something that has crashed takes time. A LOT of time and effort. Many aren't willing to invest the time and effort, which is sad... I do believe it can be done, however, should circumstances be just right...

 

And as a side note, we were both convinced that the other had at least dated in this ten month period. For all intents and purposes, we should have been. Neither of us did. Again, something to think about before "filling that void" too abruptly.

 

Thank you for the advice. I am slowly trying to change the dynamic between the two of us. It's difficult. we are living in different states and phone calls and texts is all we have.

 

I was actually thinking of doing the NC on New years day and it was good for about 2 days then i received random msg regarding household items. and we have been "talking"(more arguing) since. i'm trying to change the dynamic of that.

[RedHawk08]

Ah I see! You actually stopped trying and hoping!

That's the one thing I haven't done yet haha

 

Because to be honest, being hurt, angry and feeling F'd over isn't much of an image to win a wife back is it?

 

I think I'm finally beginning to get it.

[keepontruckin]

Well, I never stopped hoping (this perhaps can be viewed as either a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it), but I certainly stopped trying after a point.

 

I mean, once you get served cold divorce docs for breakfast at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, you pretty well know it's done.

 

The thing to realize is that we all have good qualities, and flaws also... Try to build on the good, and try to reduce the flaws. Even a slight shift in this balance can make a world of difference. Trying to "recreate" yourself is just a waste of time (and most likely money also).

 

Time can cure many memories also. It is the ONLY cure, really. It perhaps allows things to somewhat get "reset"...

 

You know the old saying... "Let it go, if it comes back, etc..." I think it can hold true.

 

In the mean time, run as a one man wolf pack. Show that you don't need anyone. Kick ass and take names. Begging, pleading, anger, all these emotions are just an undesirable trait. To EVERYONE, I suppose, but especially to an ex.

 

And worst case scenario... She doesn't ever come back. At least you'll be at the point where the one man wolf pack is running strong. And the opposite sex is always attracted to a strong running wolf pack, so you may not be alone forever, I figure.

[keepontruckin]

Oh, and do at least one thing differently.

 

I never wore cologne. If you wear cologne, go out and buy something different.

 

If you don't wear cologne, go out and buy the expensive stuff.

 

DO IT TOMORROW!

[RedHawk08]

Best advice I think I ever got!

Truth be told, I buried pretty much all the bad qualities last year.

The last call where I ended up asking her to come home again, was as a result of "clearing the air". Where I forgave her for the things she did and has been hiding.

 

That forgiveness may take a while to sink in. She's a stubborn girl! Haha

 

She avoids anything outside of phone calls or messages for two reasons,

1. She has swimmjng in guilt

2. She has to SEE that I really did remove every justification she had for doing what she did

 

Still, all the unpleasantness is past now. Anything said over the last phone conversation was because she got "cornered like a rat".

 

I'm just going to carry on being pleasant and agreeable. Doing that KILLS her!

[dreamcatcher975]

Well, I never stopped hoping (this perhaps can be viewed as either a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it), but I certainly stopped trying after a point.

 

This is where i'm at now… i still have hope but i don't want to pursue H anymore. I realize the more i pursue the more he gets upset and the things he says become more hurtful.

 

When you stopped pursuing, begging, and just trying.. did u have a "my last talk" where you told her you'd stop pursuing her, speak your whatever is on your mind or did you just go cold turkey and stop?

[keepontruckin]

When you stopped pursuing, begging, and just trying.. did u have a "my last talk" where you told her you'd stop pursuing her, speak your whatever is on your mind or did you just go cold turkey and stop?

There was no last talk, even if I wanted it. She rather quickly disregarded my communications completely, so it eventually became pointless to even bother trying.

[keepontruckin]

I guess I should post an update.

 

After weeks of having the best relationship we've ever had, she is a lost cause.

 

I get the feeling that she wants all the benefits of a marriage, but is only willing to give on a "friendship" level.

 

The facts are these: She's lonely, and she's broke. I am fun, and I have money.

 

So, she is unwilling to move forward to build our relationship into something greater than it has ever been.

 

I have been more than patient, but I will not be used.

 

The last words she heard from me... "We must all live with the decisions that we make in life."

 

Perhaps some couples can remain friends. I am not one of them. My stbxw is, but I am not satisfied with this arrangement.

 

So, it was again another example of her typical (and historical) behaviour. I feel less and less responsible for her as time goes by, which is a good thing. Since I am generous to a fault, there are others that are more worthy of my time, love and money. She is not one of them. She refuses to put forth any effort into anything. Come to think of it, she never did.

 

I truly am better off without people like this in my life. She will end up getting what she deserves, and by then I'll have removed myself far enough away where I just don't care anymore either. I'm pretty much there at this point.

 

I am happy remaining single. I just bought a place, found a better job, and am living to please me. It will be a long time before I allow anyone else in again to muck up my program, and honestly I don't care if I ever do. Human nature is what it is, and we must accept it for what it is. Remember, you only owe a good life to yourself. To hell with everyone else. We all will get what we deserve in the end...

[winston36]

I guess I should post an update.

 

After weeks of having the best relationship we've ever had, she is a lost cause.

 

I get the feeling that she wants all the benefits of a marriage, but is only willing to give on a "friendship" level.

 

The facts are these: She's lonely, and she's broke. I am fun, and I have money.

 

So, she is unwilling to move forward to build our relationship into something greater than it has ever been.

 

I have been more than patient, but I will not be used.

 

The last words she heard from me... "We must all live with the decisions that we make in life."

 

Perhaps some couples can remain friends. I am not one of them. My stbxw is, but I am not satisfied with this arrangement.

 

So, it was again another example of her typical (and historical) behaviour. I feel less and less responsible for her as time goes by, which is a good thing. Since I am generous to a fault, there are others that are more worthy of my time, love and money. She is not one of them. She refuses to put forth any effort into anything. Come to think of it, she never did.

 

I truly am better off without people like this in my life. She will end up getting what she deserves, and by then I'll have removed myself far enough away where I just don't care anymore either. I'm pretty much there at this point.

 

I am happy remaining single. I just bought a place, found a better job, and am living to please me. It will be a long time before I allow anyone else in again to muck up my program, and honestly I don't care if I ever do. Human nature is what it is, and we must accept it for what it is. Remember, you only owe a good life to yourself. To hell with everyone else. We all will get what we deserve in the end...

 

Good for you KOT, even if there is a lot of sadness and grief right now. At least these last couple weeks will have given you a sense of closure that you never would have had before. I think a lot of us are just stuck in that "what if" period, where we are never given a chance to see what could happen with a rebuilding effort after the separation/divorce reality hits us. Your head is in a good place, and she is likely to remain confused for quite a while regardless of what she said today. Best of luck, and just do you. The rest will fall into place.