Procrasti Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Hi all . I haven't been on for a while as I thought all this concentrating on my broken heart was just delaying the healing process. So I stopped coming on here , totally ignored the No contact rule and am at the last day of 2013 feeling as sick as I was on Day 1 . The back story . 6 years with a woman , loving her as totally as I could but always knowing that I couldn't be there for her long term . I like travelling ( months at a time ) and have place in the sun . She hates the outdoors and the sun . We were destined for breakup so always kept things at a low level EXCEPT that we were 120% passionate always , and tactile , and best friends . I spent 4 the first four months away in Asia riding motorbikes and hiking up hills and came back to the same situation . I told her as much as cared for her , She needs someone to grow old with who will always be there for her. So she looked , always with my assurance that it is OK , and one days ( 86 days ago ) jumped out of bed on a weekend away and 5 hrs later went on a date ( she had been delaying so we had a weekend of love - and it was one of the best weekends ever ) . 5 hrs from bed to date. 5 days from date to stopping at his house . And all this with my help and guidance. Because I wanted the woman I loved to be happy . So I should get a gold star and walk around feeling good about myself. well not quite . She was also my best friend and the person on I came to with everything from what I am eating for lunch to father son troubles with my autistic boy. I couldn't walk away and needed her through my grieving process. Well I have been through a roller coaster and nearly 3 months I would have thought I would be over her. So I have learned more about me and her in these months. I have learned that one of the reasons we didn't go full on was that she wanted me without my autistic baggage ( 2 nights a week) she wanted me to organize arrange and pay for everything ( she paid for a meal once) She always wanted me to stay at hers so she didn't have to drive. All in all she was a selfish narcissist ( she admitted this herself after reading a book but I didn't know what one was ) I couldn't see all this ( or could and lied to myself ) but can fully appreciate it now. I still don't believe she has a bad bone in her , but she has always always just cared for herself. On the other hand I have always cared for people and when I found her and hunted her down, and forgave everything and kept loving her I was happy too. I learned a lot about me too . I should have been more of a man ( had more self respect) and when she proved that she wasn't worth it, I should have left . Instead I stayed for 6 yrs , effectively showing her how to be more social , caring , more adventurous and ambitious which she has taken to her new Man. Even Now I wait at my phone for her to message me and sit in pain when a day goes by without one. When one does arrive its a usually a picture of whatever she has made in craft class or her telling me how new man is pissing her off ( seems although he is perfect for her he has limits to how far he bends ) I am fully aware that I should have walked but I am stuff in this hell. I see so much now about her now and fully realize that I need to move on but just cannot. Some reading on here led me consider that its not her that I miss , its the need in me to love someone , and it makes sense . but other factors may be stopping me . I am a hard working fair looking funny 48 yr old but I have low self esteem. I know that I should date but am not able to . Rejection has always played a big part in my troubles. and I am intelligent enough to know its made up and mostly way out of the realms of reality ( e.g I get promoted and commended more then most and still feel I am not as good as the rest of them etc) I really am not sure what the reason for this post was but I had to do something as waking up after a sleepless night and pretending its all just going to go away isn't working. I know that going no contact is probably still the way to go and to be honest , I can see that happening ( but she did say she missed our once a week meal out where she tells me everything about him so maybe I should be there for her - joke) I am already exercising and eating better . I have even joined a few groups that interest me ( not romantic groups and not for the purpose of meeting women. Starting tomorrow , I would like to move forward with this but just need help . Apologies for the long post but I needed this. Happy New Year folks “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” Carl Jung
Author Procrasti Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Revelation One of the things I have been meaning to do and have been doing for a few weeks is get involved with a local Buddhist group. My New Years Eve was to spend the evening with them and get to know the more of the people who are helping me discover so much. Unfortunately my son has been let down last minute and is on his own so I have cancelled my evening and we will be enjoying NYE at home in the warmth with a film and good food. The revelation ? If I was still with my Ex, I would not be able to cancel "our plans" and she would not have said " no problem , bring him along" . As much as I miss her , my life is definitely going to get better. just need to start off next year well. Happy New Year Y'all
LadyM Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 We tend to glorify our exes as is clearly evident by your statement "I still don't believe she has a bad bone in her body." Really??! Well, from my viewpoint, she has lots of bad bones in her body. It is hard for you to be objective about her, but it isn't for me. Being selfish towards you is BAD. Not wanting to see or include your son is BAD. Never wanting to take the trouble to drive to your place is BAD. Never caring to plan or pay for a date is BAD. Being a selfish narcissist is BAD. She certainly got what she could out of you. I think, deep down, you knew she could never enhance your life so you basically told her to find someone else. And while you may think it was the excuse that you like travel and sun and she doesn't, I think that your soul knew that you could never be happy with a selfish woman like her. You thought you were happy with her because of your exquisite sexual relationship. That was the big deception. The big lie. That was the glue that held the two of you together. Sure, you were each other's best friends, but you can have that with any lover. Sex is the almighty powerful drug that can keep the most dysfunctional of couples together. I know you say that you have low self-esteem, but most people out there have low self-esteem. Maybe you can take some comfort in that fact so it can be easier to talk to others, knowing that they likely feel the same as you. I agree that you don't necessarily need her, but you need someone to love. We all do. That's what makes us human. We want that connection; that closeness with another. And you will find it again and you will feel so grateful that you got out of a relationship with a woman who really didn't care about you as you deserve to be cared for. Wishing you a happy and peace-filled New Year!! 2
Author Procrasti Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Thank you LadyM I was determined not to cry today but your post unfortunately got me going. You are right ( even if some of what you say angered me) . I will have a better 2014 and will get over whatever blocks I have and find someone who can love me back , but that isn't the priority . First I need to work on me and my ability to find and create my own happiness. Happy New Year to you too .and Thank you again 1
LadyM Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) Thank you LadyM I was determined not to cry today but your post unfortunately got me going. You are right ( even if some of what you say angered me) . I will have a better 2014 and will get over whatever blocks I have and find someone who can love me back , but that isn't the priority . First I need to work on me and my ability to find and create my own happiness. Happy New Year to you too .and Thank you again Oh, my gosh. I felt so bad when I read that you felt angered at what I wrote. I don't blame you. I did sound harsh, but I did not intend it toward you, rather, I am so angry with myself for also having found myself in a situation with a person who didn't treat me well. I could have worded that post in a much kinder way as you did not deserve that tone. But, believe me, any off tone is truly only really directed at my own sorry self. I know you will be just fine and 2014 will be a brand new beginning! Edited December 31, 2013 by LadyM
Author Procrasti Posted January 2, 2014 Author Posted January 2, 2014 Apologies LadyM. The anger iI felt was because you hilighted things that I kept hidden and bottled. up. I am very thankful for your post. I read your post a few times last night and felt like some pain I was holding on to was leaving me and now feel that I no longer need to hold onto her. I have been thinking of what to say to her as I start NC. She may not deserve any response but I feel it's important to at least say that I'm not able to talk to her anymore. The thing is I felt that I needed to write a long letter to explain the pain I have and am in and how we can resume contact and become the close friends blah blah.. But right at this minute I just want say bye have a good life. Will decide tomorrow, I think that it will be a big step in moving forward . Thx for the push
Author Procrasti Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 well , its been a while. For those who are interested read the back story above. I didn't make any big steps forward. I stayed in touch . and one day 8 months ago she asked me to go away for a weekend , out of the blue. And I went . seems she could not cope with her new mans ex wife and troubles and sent hi packing . So we went back to going out. This time however , I could no longer see her halo. I saw her for what she was . Roll on 8 months and she came round. said she is trying again with the one she left me for last time and that was that. This time I am not broken. The last time I lost my safe place. my best friend lover , joke tester . This time I lost someone who I could no longer trust. Someone who proved to be the not worthy. So why am I STILL not willing to move on. I respond every day to her small talk messages and try not to get involved. just respond with that's nice or oh really. What I want is NC but I just can't do it. Oh well , ****ing merry go round
LadyM Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out again. I have found it's really hard to become detached from those we care about, and it doesn't even seem to matter that their poor qualities are really pretty bad. And we see this over and over again with people in our lives and people here on LS. These ex's have treated us so awful and yet we still want contact with them. NC seems almost unbearable. I really understand what you're going through. It took me forever to finally do a full NC and it was only then that I began to heal. It isn't easy, but it's really your only hope to move forward.
Author Procrasti Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Thanks for replying LadyM. I think I am making progress finally. In the last few days , I have agreed with a friend to go and meet a girl ( the friend says we are well suited is very excited about it) . I have gone for a 8hr round trip to take an old friend to talk. . She doesn't mince words, and has also always been anti my ex and never believed she was good enough for me. She also remembers a lot that my rose tinted glasses makes me forget. Driving back , I had time to think and I really am OK with starting NC now. The last time I pined and became a recluse , this time I will be out forcing myself to have fun spending time with people who are good for me. Today I can safely say that I don't want her back . Its taken two breakups and a long long time . It time to change forums. Time to go the dating section and give this side a rest. .
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