What is it about them that compels us to put them on a pedestal in our mind?

[counterpart]

I'm sorry for bumping an old thread, but I've been wondering the same lately.

 

My ex of three years broke up with me four months ago and I'm still having a hard time letting go. For the past year, things have been different. She was very critical of me, easily annoyed, she would even shoot down my jokes and attempts at cheering her up. Looking back on it, I feel pathetic because I was really trying to improve my behaviour and convincing myself that it was only temporary/due to high levels of stress on her end, what with finishing uni and all/having to adapt to new work environment. When she didn't find time for me in her schedule, I would tell myself that she was really busy, tackling her graduation papers and work at the same time... except she would lash out at me whenever I dared ask about how her dissertation was going.

 

It lasted for almost a year when she broke up with me... then she messaged me the next morning, detailing her fight with depression, saying she was trying to make a clean start in life and so she dropped me. Except not even that sobered me up enough to realize that she was ready to kick me out of her life rather than speak up and tell me what was bothering her. We reconciled but I felt endlessly miserable. She broke up with me for good three months later.

 

Despite all the red flags, I still feel bad about everything and I keep hoping that things will be better if she starts therapy for her depression... except she won't and she doesn't give a **** about me anymore. If she ever did. She told me that she never felt all that great about our relationship and one part of me wants to scream at her and ask why the **** she led me on for three years then, while another part of me just insists on pinning that on her (undiagnosed) depression as well.

 

The fact remains - she's too much of a coward to tackle it and she's more willing to hide behind her depression than admit that she felt something. But if you thought she'd just leave me alone and let me move on, you thought wrong. She still contacts me every time I try to pull away, and I sheepishly agree to meet up and hang out. I hate myself for it, and yet I do it. My friend, who also suffers from depression, urges me not to be too harsh, but I don't see her being considerate of my emotions... so why should I even bother?

 

Ugh. Pardon the rant, it's just... I'm so tired of it all. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up in a couple of months, when she's just a distant memory. But it doesn't work that way, does it?

Edited January 26, 2014 by counterpart

[smuggy95]

oof. I know how that feels, when they don't really want to let you go but they don't give you what you need either...

Still, we keep giving and giving, hoping one day to get something out of it again.

Don't be too harsh on her, but don't give up your sanity for it either. She's sick, but she doesn't love you, just using you.

What do you get out of jumping in every time she asks?

[RaidDolEm78]

It has taken me about as long as you to finally get it. I've made that list on my own and went over it with my therapist. On paper, I could see he was nothing more than a friend at best and I wasn't really losing anything.

 

I believe, at least for me in my situation, it was the way he made himself out to be and then turned out to be the complete opposite. I believed at the time that every gift he ever gave me or every gestured he pretty much did was because he wanted to. Now, seeing things more clearly, I truly believe he did them to make himself seem like the good fiance...for his own selfish reasons

 

I know for the next time to never put someone on a pedestal higher than I put myself.

[counterpart]

oof. I know how that feels, when they don't really want to let you go but they don't give you what you need either...

Still, we keep giving and giving, hoping one day to get something out of it again.

Don't be too harsh on her, but don't give up your sanity for it either. She's sick, but she doesn't love you, just using you.

What do you get out of jumping in every time she asks?

That's precisely it. I'm really struggling with it because a relationship is clearly not what she needs right now, but she's not really doing anything to fight her depression and improve her life. If she feels as bad about herself as she claims, it's shocking that we've even lasted this long. It's really hard on me because when we're interacting, there will be glimpses of fun and joy as if everything is fine again, but then the next moment there's a shift and it's all gone. I just can't deal with the uncertainty anymore, and I really can't do anything to heal her if she's not ready to do it herself.

 

To answer your question, I get brief glimpses of hope that get shattered the next time we interact. It's like a bad emotional rollercoaster, and it's definitely not how I imagined starting 2014

I think it would be easier to end it if she wasn't depressed, or if she did something to betray my trust. I would be hurt, but at least I wouldn't be clinging to weak what-ifs then.

 

 

It has taken me about as long as you to finally get it. I've made that list on my own and went over it with my therapist. On paper, I could see he was nothing more than a friend at best and I wasn't really losing anything.

 

I believe, at least for me in my situation, it was the way he made himself out to be and then turned out to be the complete opposite. I believed at the time that every gift he ever gave me or every gestured he pretty much did was because he wanted to. Now, seeing things more clearly, I truly believe he did them to make himself seem like the good fiance...for his own selfish reasons

 

I know for the next time to never put someone on a pedestal higher than I put myself.

 

My therapist told me that I should treat her as a colleague, not even as a friend. She asked me if I would be letting this kind of behaviour slide if there was nothing wrong with my ex. Of course, I laughed and said 'no'. But it's way easier in theory, in practice it takes time to come to terms with it.

[Tayla]

Some folks internalize and seem to think the break up was "ALL" about them, what they could have done different or better or improved. The fact of the matter is, as adults we make decisions that are for the most part, self-worthy. I didn't say selfish because msot times we consider ourselves "worthy" of whatever goal we had in mind at the time. Whether the lose is permenant, or the person simply left our lives, one thing holds true, they had a place in our lives and now its empty. We need to fill it, its an odd thing to want to do that, yet we do. If one can separate themselves and be objective about the break up (be it friends, relatives, or a loved one), we'd see them for their good qualities and some quarks. But the bottom line is No one that comes in or out of our lives did so without leaving a gift in its' place. For some the gift is a peace of mind, for others its the gift of strength to move on, for some its the acknowledgement of what we need to improve. I place my friends/family in high regards and that is a good place to be, it shows respect and value. I surely hope that when you do love someone you place them there, and even when they are long gone, that you can find they carried value....For in the end, we are each deserving of love and deserving of value. Let go with love.