Author badapple Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 I couldn't remember what being in love and having butterflies felt like until him. Now, I can't wait to forget what it feels like. I'm sorry. That is one of the saddest things I've seen. It will all work out. Just be patient. Maybe you shouldn't be here reading and commenting on other peoples A's. I'm sure it brings back strong memories.
psm04 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Realist3, psm04, Thank you both so much!! This is what I needed to see. Verification that this is normal helps me accept it for what it is. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my chest. I need to enjoy what I have and not dig to deep for fear of losing it. I'm gonna try that. I don't know how these feelings can intensify. That helps me prepare and keep things in check. My comments weren't meant to encourage you to stay in the A, but I'm glad they helped you in whatever way they did. Good luck with everything.
psm04 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I'm sorry. That is one of the saddest things I've seen. It will all work out. Just be patient. Maybe you shouldn't be here reading and commenting on other peoples A's. I'm sure it brings back strong memories. It does bring back things, but commenting helps in some ways. It is still fresh. We have only been completely NC for a week. But I think this time, it's final. But it's what's best. I need to give my M my all. 1
tchrgrl Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Where is the car analogy by hellneaux? I could use that......
Realist3 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Where is the car analogy by hellneaux? I could use that...... Wow! It's gone. It was great though.
Quiet Storm Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I have been reading this forum for many years and the biggest mistake I see people make is to assume MM/MW is cheating because of his circumstances. Most often, it is not circumstantial or situational. It is very easy to believe that, because the cheater usually believes that himself. He is so convincing because that is his perception. He is not introspective or self aware enough to see his own issues. He plays a passive role in his life... to him, everything "happens" to him, he's just a good guy stuck in a crappy situation. Yeah, life isn't black & white, but we need to carefully choose the people we allow into our hearts, minds & lives. People in affairs aren't "terrible", but I do think there are character issues. Issues like poor coping skills, conflict avoidance, immaturity, family of origin issues. Lots of people are in bad marriages and choose not to cheat. And people that describe their marriages as good do cheat. So the status of the marriage is not the common denominator... the common denominator is the people - they are willing to lie, sneak, manipulate in order to get their needs met. They can do this without feeling like a horrible person by using other poor coping skills like rationalization, justification, minimizing, etc. So I don't think bad marriages make a person cheat. It's more likely that the cheater can't deal with life's problems and copes by escaping, avoiding, lying, cheating. This doesn't make them a terrible person, but a person that is not capable of being a good partner in a relationship. Affairs are intense and the passion, romance & urgency mask the character issues until much later. If affairs evolve into long term relationships or marriage, history often repeats itself. I have a chiropractor neighbor on his third wife, # 2 & 3 were affairs. He always blames his exes & the marriages, but he is the problem. It's sad for the kids involved. The marrage might be terrible, but there are other options: divorce, counseling, negotiating an open marriage. Choosing to cheat instead of choosing an honest option is a decision that should not be ignored. If the marriage ends, that person will carry those issues into their future relationships unless they get counseling. The reason people advise to focus on the marriage is because many marriages just get boring after years together. Couples can reconnect, but not if you are putting your energy into another person. The dog you feed more will get bigger- if you are putting your attention & energy into an affair, those feelings will grow. If you are starving your marriage, those feelings will fade. Also, you don't have to abuse drugs or alcohol to be an addict. The affair can activate the reward center in your brain & prompt those feelings of obsession. It's the dopamine rush. Intermittent reinforcement plays a huge part- the uncertainty, limited contact, the push-pull. Absense followed by contact brings relief. You obsess, you get a hit (contact), then you feel relieved & content again. This "relief" feeling becomes obsessively sought- just like any other addict. 9
Popsicle Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I don't know. I'm thinking if she's doing something with me, why not someone else. It's much easier for a woman to find a man. I mean look at craigslist. It's overrun with men looking for women. I wish I could just take her word for it and back off. You should.
Realist3 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Come on realist3, can you remember it???? I can't do it justice because I only read it once. And I can only say how I read it, or what it meant to me, but here goes. The car is a marriage. The car finally breaks down after years of use. Naturally, the driver would look for a new car to drive instead of sitting in a car that won't ever work again.
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 The car is a marriage. The car finally breaks down after years of use. Naturally, the driver would look for a new car to drive instead of sitting in a car that won't ever work again. Now that's funny!
Oldspiceywolf Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 When you are gong crazy about her write it down in an email then save it for 48 hours, if you still feel that way send it, if not delete it. Sometimes you just need to get the feelings out but necessarily to her. Bring clingy drives women away! Be confident and wait for her to infuriate, be happy but be cool. If you can't do that then don't worry your actions will take care of the outcome by themselves.
Snipercatt Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Be confident and wait for her to infuriate, Now that's realllllllllly funny! Great advice. I like it! LOL!
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I've been married for twenty years. I really don't want to work on my marriage. I know that's what everybody says to do but there is no desire. Yes I will get a divorce in the next few months. The OW is also married. It was never suggested by either myself or OW to leave their spouse. It has been on my radar to do for quite some time. My wife also knows there's issues. I'm guessing what the popular opinion seems to be is that I'm having a problem with addiction. I get it. Funny, because I don't have an addictive personality. Never smoked, very seldom drink. When I said I can't end it with OW, I didn't mean it literally. Of course I can but I really don't want to. I came here hoping to get a kick in the ass because I think I'm pushing OW away with my obsession. I realize after reading the replies that I am pretty much out of control. I was not looking to fix my marriage, just get some advice to fix myself so I can carry on with OW. Thanks. Why do you not want to work on your marriage? You don't think 20 years of marriage and xx amount of years of history together is worth fighting for and trying to reconnect with someone you obviously loved enough to marry once upon a time? If you divorce, don't expect MOW to divorce to be with you. You don't have to be an addict to get addicted to the affair dynamic and how affairs are more intense and how they make one feel. You obviously know what you feel for MOW is out of control and making you feel a bit nuts.
Popsicle Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 When you are gong crazy about her write it down in an email then save it for 48 hours, if you still feel that way send it, if not delete it. Sometimes you just need to get the feelings out but necessarily to her. Bring clingy drives women away! Be confident and wait for her to infuriate, be happy but be cool. If you can't do that then don't worry your actions will take care of the outcome by themselves. Being clingy never drives me away, I love it, but I know it does other women.
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