I'm a mess.

[badapple]

Hi. New poster, new cheater.

So I was fortunate, or unfortunate enough to meet another woman. It all started online and progressed rather quickly. We have met quite a few times and it's always incredible. We are both married and never really speak much about our others. There's obviously issues in our marriages, that's why we're doing it.

 

Here's the tough part for me. She is all I think about. I am basically a zombie anymore. We text probably 100 times a day, talk on the phone as often as possible, and also meet as often as possible. I'm having strong feelings, too strong, and trust issues. I'm 42 and acting like a 16 year old. I even told her I love her, WTF. She said she loves me too, but I think it was because she felt obligated. I pretty much do nothing but wait for a text. On days we meet, I do nothing all day except wait. Then, if it can't happen, I'm depressed and moody. If we're sending messages and she stops for a while or falls asleep my mind instantly starts thinking she's talking to someone else. That's when I get all possessive and weird, which I'm sure will eventually push her away. I'm thinking that I'm not cut out for this, but I can't break it off. I'm in way too deep so that really isn't an option. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[alonefornow]

I'm thinking that I'm not cut out for this, but I can't break it off. I'm in way too deep so that really isn't an option. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I don't come to this forum often, but I did and I read this. Cut that off man. Seriously. And deal with the issues in your marriage. Breaking it off is always an option. If it truly isn't then end your marriage.

[vanellope]

if you are not going to divorce, please tell your OW now, and to see if she still want to be with you.

 

if you plan to divorce, discuss with your wife and start process now.

[RickFox]

you say you can't end it, bullcrap! You don't want to. walk away and don't look back

[Arieswoman]

To say that "you can't help yourself" is nonsense.

 

Are you asking us all to believe that you have honestly and truly no control over your own actions? If that is the case then IMO you need Sectioning under the Mental Health Act ( or it's equivalent in USA ) for your own protection and the safety of those around you.

 

Get a grip and take responsibility for yourself, your marriage and your wife.

 

Pull the plug on the OW NOW and get professional help from a competant therapist who deals with addiction(s).

 

Do you actually work, because it seems that you have plenty of time on your hands?

[ElectricTangerine]

Why not work on your marriage instead?

 

Or if your marriage is already broken beyond repair... Why not end it completely?

 

Why are you betraying your wife like that?

[Cocochai]

Curious to know how long you and your BS have been M. What is it about the OW drives you crazy rather then your own M?

 

You may want to focus on rekindling your M to see what's missing and leave the OMW alone. Like someone else said sounds like she's using you for the attention she's lacking at home.

[whichwayisup]

Hi. New poster, new cheater.

So I was fortunate, or unfortunate enough to meet another woman. It all started online and progressed rather quickly. We have met quite a few times and it's always incredible. We are both married and never really speak much about our others. There's obviously issues in our marriages, that's why we're doing it.

 

Here's the tough part for me. She is all I think about. I am basically a zombie anymore. We text probably 100 times a day, talk on the phone as often as possible, and also meet as often as possible. I'm having strong feelings, too strong, and trust issues. I'm 42 and acting like a 16 year old. I even told her I love her, WTF. She said she loves me too, but I think it was because she felt obligated. I pretty much do nothing but wait for a text. On days we meet, I do nothing all day except wait. Then, if it can't happen, I'm depressed and moody. If we're sending messages and she stops for a while or falls asleep my mind instantly starts thinking she's talking to someone else. That's when I get all possessive and weird, which I'm sure will eventually push her away. I'm thinking that I'm not cut out for this, but I can't break it off. I'm in way too deep so that really isn't an option. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

This is really unhealthy behaviour, not just because it's an affair but how you are acting over all, putting your whole life in a little shoe box, all your happiness is tied into her. It's addictive and you're on that affair roller coaster ride.

 

What about your wife? What is broken inside of you to reach out to someone else outside your marriage? eventually you're gonna get caught, then what?

[badapple]

I've been married for twenty years. I really don't want to work on my marriage. I know that's what everybody says to do but there is no desire. Yes I will get a divorce in the next few months. The OW is also married. It was never suggested by either myself or OW to leave their spouse. It has been on my radar to do for quite some time. My wife also knows there's issues.

 

I'm guessing what the popular opinion seems to be is that I'm having a problem with addiction. I get it. Funny, because I don't have an addictive personality. Never smoked, very seldom drink. When I said I can't end it with OW, I didn't mean it literally. Of course I can but I really don't want to. I came here hoping to get a kick in the ass because I think I'm pushing OW away with my obsession. I realize after reading the replies that I am pretty much out of control. I was not looking to fix my marriage, just get some advice to fix myself so I can carry on with OW. Thanks.

[devilish innocent]

Your post sounds an awful lot like somebody saying, "I'm shooting up on drugs all day long, and it's taken over my life. I can't stay away from drugs though so quitting isn't an option. Any other advice."

 

If you want to ask how to end an affair, I'm sure people will have suggestions. If you just want to continue having an affair, then I doubt any advice you receive will help.

[tchrgrl]

I am always surprised when people say work on your marriage, focus on your spouse.....people enter into affairs because their marriage is broken and its usually a last resort, not because they're terrible people. I do believe that the feelings you experience when having the affair are like other addictions. I have never used drugs, social drinker rarely but I've been having an affair for almost 2 years and I am struggling to get out of it. My advice would be get out now before it's even harder to give her up.....I wish I had not gotten in so deep.

[soundsfamilar]

these kinds of raw emotions can make you feel crazy. i'm not sure we need to label it an addiction. you're facing some very serious truths… a failing marriage (no desire is a killer, let me tell you), and you have strong feelings for another person. that doesn't make you a junkie it makes you someone in a very, very tough spot.

i agree with tchrgrl, (emotional) affairs start because marriages are in trouble. i would never have dreamed of starting an A if my marriage had been on solid footing, and neither would my AP. we both knew there were serious issues… it took the A to start looking at them. and sometimes the marriages are just deeply broken to begin with. i myself am struggling with mine, wondering if it can be fixed. i have no answer yet, but i know that "working on it" can sound easier said than done. sometimes you just have to see things for what they are. deep down i think i know…

[Realist3]

I am always surprised when people say work on your marriage, focus on your spouse.....people enter into affairs because their marriage is broken and its usually a last resort, not because they're terrible people. I do believe that the feelings you experience when having the affair are like other addictions. I have never used drugs, social drinker rarely but I've been having an affair for almost 2 years and I am struggling to get out of it. My advice would be get out now before it's even harder to give her up.....I wish I had not gotten in so deep.

 

Yep and yep.

 

OP, affairs certainly possess addictive qualities. If you don't find a way to curb your obsession your marriage will be over. I have no doubt your wife has already sensed a change in your behaviors, even though you may not think they are obvious. You need to step back and take a sober look at what you are doing. The first several months are typically when people get caught and it is because of exactly what you are doing right now.

 

You need to take a step back and assess what you want out of this affair. Do you want it to last? Do you want it as just a temporary thing? Whatever the case you need to ease back or you are headed for some real trouble.

[soundsfamilar]

that car analogy by hellneaux is priceless. why do so many of us, OW/OM and MM/MW still sit in the car? the answer: fear. of never finding another car again. or of having to… waaait for it…. WALK! *shudder*

[irresolute]

I've been married for twenty years. I really don't want to work on my marriage. I know that's what everybody says to do but there is no desire. Yes I will get a divorce in the next few months. The OW is also married. It was never suggested by either myself or OW to leave their spouse. It has been on my radar to do for quite some time. My wife also knows there's issues.

 

I'm guessing what the popular opinion seems to be is that I'm having a problem with addiction. I get it. Funny, because I don't have an addictive personality. Never smoked, very seldom drink. When I said I can't end it with OW, I didn't mean it literally. Of course I can but I really don't want to. I came here hoping to get a kick in the ass because I think I'm pushing OW away with my obsession. I realize after reading the replies that I am pretty much out of control. I was not looking to fix my marriage, just get some advice to fix myself so I can carry on with OW. Thanks.

 

Badaple, I just can't believe the amount of crap I'm reading here. People not helping. Gezz he's confiding us his emotions yet people here tell him to speak to his wife!

 

Look, you're addicted. Very difficult to get out of there . Think of an alcoholic or a drug addict.

You need to calm down. Think why is that you're feeling this way for her. If you decide to continue, you'll need to try to rationalize, which is very difficult . If you decide to break with her, only way is strict no contact.

Either way, is a painful path. I'm sorry. Next time try to guard your feelings. I experienced same as you and I'm one year later, still craving for him, wanting him, thinking about him all the time. I know how you feel, you just need another "dose" of her so you can function. You are an addict now.

[psm04]

Hi badapple, you sound a lot like my xOMM. And me too. I don't have an addictive personality either, and have never even wanted to try drugs or anything like that. If what I was/am going through is what addiction feels like, I'm so glad that I didn't go down that path. I know the highs and lows of the A all too well. Myself and xOMM behaved the same way. We could never stay away from each other. There were issues with insecurity and possessive behavior, more from his side than me. It got to the point though where talking too much was causing a low rather than a high for me. It reminded me of the fact that that's all we could ever do. Talk. In secret. At the end of the day, we were both going back to our real public facing lives.

 

I don't know that you can tune down your feelings, especially if things between you and your AP are good. Some of us aren't cut out for this stuff. If you want to get yourself back, you should try to either learn how to be guarded, or end it. But being guarded doesn't help either. I felt like I lost myself when I was deep in the A. I wasn't myself. I can't even explain it. I tried everything - being guarded, stopping the PA and just talking, staying away, trying to handle both worlds.... Right now, we are in complete NC except potentially running into each other at work. Whatever we had has been destroyed. It feels like a death, but I'm going to go on with the belief that it truly is what's best for everyone. It sucks. We could have been great work friends if we hadn't gone and F'd it all up.

 

How long has your A been going on for? I hope you post your updates on how you're handling it.

[Popsicle]

If we're sending messages and she stops for a while or falls asleep my mind instantly starts thinking she's talking to someone else. That's when I get all possessive and weird, which I'm sure will eventually push her away. I'm thinking that I'm not cut out for this, but I can't break it off. I'm in way too deep so that really isn't an option. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Now this is interesting...

 

My xMM would get this same pronounced possessive feeling. I don't get it. He was super paranoid that I was talking to someone else (I wasn't) and would constantly grill me about it. I would tell him I wasn't but the feeling would never go away for him. I don't know where it was coming from and it didn't push me away (it might someone else) but I wondered why it was happening.

 

Why do you feel this?

Edited December 31, 2013 by Popsicle

[badapple]

Thanks all. I guess I should probably be on a "how to keep your girlfriend" forum, but this unique situation, and google, brought me here. The A has been going on about three months. Infatuation, honeymoon phase, whatever you want to call it should be over. I was hoping to settle down a little but that hasn't happened. I guess it is like an addiction. Very strong points made for that. At this time in the day I have only sent her two messages. One said good morning, as usual. I then came here and saw some comments, realized how irrational and out of control I am, and sent another saying I would be out for the day and night, Happy New Year. I have gotten no messages from her, which is odd, sort of. We did have another discussion last night about the whole feelings thing, and I spent most of the day waiting to see her, which didn't happen because she said she was at work. It was known I wasn't happy about that. See, there's my trust and obsession issues. Instead of taking it for what it is, I go and overthink everything and say way too much to her. I really do want it to work out and last as long as possible but I'm afraid I'm shooting myself in the foot. I know the best thing to do would be to break it off. I'm a coward. The pain would be unbearable and the thought of her and someone else is just too much. It's nice to vent and be anonymous and get feedback from complete strangers who have no vested interest in my world. I need to pull back from her and see what happens, if I can. I just don't understand why at 42 I'm acting like a love struck teen. I'm more disappointed in myself for being so obsessed than anything else. This is just crazy.

[badapple]

Now this is interesting...

 

My xMM would get this same pronounced possessive feeling. I don't get it. He was super paranoid that I was talking to someone else (I wasn't) and would constantly grill me about it. I would tell him I wasn't but the feeling would never go away for him. I don't know where it was coming from and it didn't push me away (it might someone else) but I wondered why it was happening.

 

Why do you feel this?

 

I don't know. I'm thinking if she's doing something with me, why not someone else. It's much easier for a woman to find a man. I mean look at craigslist. It's overrun with men looking for women. I wish I could just take her word for it and back off.

[psm04]

I don't know. I'm thinking if she's doing something with me, why not someone else. It's much easier for a woman to find a man. I mean look at craigslist. It's overrun with men looking for women. I wish I could just take her word for it and back off.

 

My xOMM thinking this way about me was one of the main triggers in me ending it the first time a year ago. He would question me about other male co-workers, friends, etc. It was disrespectful, and made me feel cheap. Especially since I am married, just like he is. So me doing something else with someone else would mean I was having multiple As, which was ridiculous. If you are only having the A with her, then you have to give her the same benefit.

[Realist3]

Thanks all. I guess I should probably be on a "how to keep your girlfriend" forum, but this unique situation, and google, brought me here. The A has been going on about three months. Infatuation, honeymoon phase, whatever you want to call it should be over. I was hoping to settle down a little but that hasn't happened. I guess it is like an addiction. Very strong points made for that. At this time in the day I have only sent her two messages. One said good morning, as usual. I then came here and saw some comments, realized how irrational and out of control I am, and sent another saying I would be out for the day and night, Happy New Year. I have gotten no messages from her, which is odd, sort of. We did have another discussion last night about the whole feelings thing, and I spent most of the day waiting to see her, which didn't happen because she said she was at work. It was known I wasn't happy about that. See, there's my trust and obsession issues. Instead of taking it for what it is, I go and overthink everything and say way too much to her. I really do want it to work out and last as long as possible but I'm afraid I'm shooting myself in the foot. I know the best thing to do would be to break it off. I'm a coward. The pain would be unbearable and the thought of her and someone else is just too much. It's nice to vent and be anonymous and get feedback from complete strangers who have no vested interest in my world. I need to pull back from her and see what happens, if I can. I just don't understand why at 42 I'm acting like a love struck teen. I'm more disappointed in myself for being so obsessed than anything else. This is just crazy.

 

Look, a lot communication between affair partners is not something out of the ordinary. On our down days the messages between us would be about 150 a day; at certain points it could reach 800 a day for over a month, and that was over three years in.

 

Just look at what you are doing and how it is affecting you.

 

In terms of your jealous tendencies, this will end up hurting your chances with the MOW. Accept what you get and enjoy it for what it is.

[psm04]

The A has been going on about three months. Infatuation, honeymoon phase, whatever you want to call it should be over. I was hoping to settle down a little but that hasn't happened.

 

One of the problems (or not, depending on how you think of it) in an A is that the honeymoon phase is never over. You will never settle down. My A lasted over 2 years, and if anything, everything intensified as time went on. We had a strong emotional bond as well. It's the opposite of a M. It drives you crazy. Like you said, it does make us love struck teenagers. I couldn't remember what being in love and having butterflies felt like until him. Now, I can't wait to forget what it feels like.

[Realist3]

One of the problems (or not, depending on how you think of it) in an A is that the honeymoon phase is never over. You will never settle down. My A lasted over 2 years, and if anything, everything intensified as time went on. We had a strong emotional bond as well. It's the opposite of a M. It drives you crazy. Like you said, it does make us love struck teenagers. I couldn't remember what being in love and having butterflies felt like until him. Now, I can't wait to forget what it feels like.

 

 

I agree with this totally. The A relationship never gets to fully evolve in most cases, so it is hits this ceiling which is the honeymoon phase. Addictive as hades.

[badapple]

Realist3, psm04,

 

Thank you both so much!! This is what I needed to see. Verification that this is normal helps me accept it for what it is. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my chest. I need to enjoy what I have and not dig to deep for fear of losing it. I'm gonna try that. I don't know how these feelings can intensify. That helps me prepare and keep things in check.

[sweet_pea]

Badaple, I just can't believe the amount of crap I'm reading here. People not helping. Gezz he's confiding us his emotions yet people here tell him to speak to his wife!

 

Look, you're addicted. Very difficult to get out of there . Think of an alcoholic or a drug addict.

You need to calm down. Think why is that you're feeling this way for her. If you decide to continue, you'll need to try to rationalize, which is very difficult . If you decide to break with her, only way is strict no contact.

Either way, is a painful path. I'm sorry. Next time try to guard your feelings. I experienced same as you and I'm one year later, still craving for him, wanting him, thinking about him all the time. I know how you feel, you just need another "dose" of her so you can function. You are an addict now.

 

The horror! Why would he ever tell his wife how he feels when he can continue the affair, instead of being honest and all! Helllllloooooo, that's the wrong thing to do!

 

Sorry, but that comment made me chuckle