julie3 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 How to tell my parents that I am in love.. 20 and female First off, I would like to tell you that I have a complex personality. I have a strange relationship with my parents. We love each other, and I can easily say I have had a positive childhood experience. However, I try to avoid expressing my feelings to them. For example, If I am sad, I try to conceal it. It is almost like I do not want to show them I have feelings. I am not like this with my friends. Only with my parents, for reasons I will never know. I do not want them to see that I am a sensitive human-being with feelings. I don't know why i'm like this with them. anyways, two months ago i was at a coffee shop and this guy hit on me. I am 20, and he is 27. However, he thought i was older because of the way i dress/act. I didn't mind the age difference. We live 2 hours away, so we exchanged numbers and we have been texting, speaking on the phone, skyping etc. we speak on the phone/skype for 6 hours per day, while constantly texting on top of that. He is an amazing guy and we have amazing chemistry. We finally went on our first official date two weeks ago, and we had the most amazing time. I live in NYC, and he lives 3 hours away. He traveled all the way to NYC just to see me for the day. He does not have much money, so he told people that instead of a certain christmas gift, he just wanted money as a present so he can travel to treat me. Him and I have only kissed, by the way. I lied to my parents and said I was meeting up with college friends. There are some issues that may affect my parents, and can negatively affect me in the future. I am jewish. He is not. However, he wants to convert to judiasm to be with me, which is great. My family is well-off and his is working class. I don't know if he can give me the lifestyle that I am accustomed to now. He's extremely brilliant, but he could not afford to attend college, so he does not have a high paying job. The thing is that I am so in love, so I would not mind downsizing to be with him. I think that now though. I don't know how i will feel in the future... First of all, why am I so embarrassed to show my parents that I am a human-being with feelings? It is not normal. I want to tell them that I'm in love but I don't want them to see that side of me. I know they'd be happy for me, but I would be giving up the identity I have presented to them for the past 10 years. I'm not worried to tell them his background. I just wan't to get over the first step and I will worry about that later. I'm not the type who falls for guys easily. I am a 20 year old virgin. I am a junior in college. I do not fall for a guy's ********. I am very careful about the guys i associate with. I have never let a guy go further than kissing me. This guy truly loves me and I love him. At age 20, I'm surrounded by many guys and I don't even take interest in them because I'm now in love. I want to cry because it's an amazing feeling. He is my first love. Sorry this is long. Thank you for reading my post .
BOREDouttaMymind Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 its a fling, hes going to break your heart. you just met this guy and hes going to permanently convert to your religion to be with you? sounds like hes going to 'convert' so he can get in your pants. relationships that start out fast, and hot, and amazing always always always end in a fizzle. 8
winny Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 It's just been 2 months... You are only 20 and met him just once. Wait at least for another 4 months. There was one guy long back who was very much interested in me. I was quite young then. He wasn't financially well off but told me all sort of stories and tried to show how smart and intelligent he is. He started to force me to talk to my parents about him. I wasn't sure whether I liked him that much. I spoke to my friends and they thought he is good and even tried to convince me. But one day he jokingly told me one of the things he lied to me about and laughed as to how naive I am that I believed his lie. Suddenly something switched on inside my head. That's when I stopped all contacts with him. When I did, I felt so free and relieved. I was young and carefree. All those emotional talks within a span of 2 months of knowing him.... and being forced to talk to my parents about him... all that was taking a toll on me. While all I wanted to do was have fun with my friends... but somehow I was addicted to his sweet talks. That lie broke my illusion. And believe me I have not regretted it even once. Do not think about mentioning him to your parents now. Do not think you are in love. At this age things seem very simple, it's not. This guy is older and no one knows what his true intentions might be. Be very very careful. Do not believe everything he tells you. One thing you can do is - Tell him you are not thinking about marriage for the next 10 years. See what he has to say to that.
deathandtaxes Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Your parents are going to think you're off your rocker if you tell them you're in love with a guy that lives three hours away and you've met only once. And most people would agree. Please, please, PLEASE do yourself a favor and find people local to you. Not a knock against that guy, but that is a HUGE distance to have for somebody so young as you. You're still in school. Enjoy being in school. Date around. Have fun. Much too young to be stuck on some guy like this. 2
clia Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Well, you don't have to tell them anything for the time being. Your "relationship" is brand new. You know nothing about this guy, hours and hours of Skyping notwithstanding. I agree with the other poster that your parents will think you are off your rocker. See what happens over the next six months, and then revisit it. Since he lives so far away, you are not likely to see him very often anyway, given his financial situation. we speak on the phone/skype for 6 hours per day, while constantly texting on top of that. He is an amazing guy and we have amazing chemistry. How does he have time to speak/Skype with you for six hours a day? Does he work full time? I would strongly question a 27 year old who has so much spare time on his hands. He should be working. There are some issues that may affect my parents, and can negatively affect me in the future. I am jewish. He is not. However, he wants to convert to judiasm to be with me, which is great. Doesn't it raise a red flag to you that he is so willing to convert his religion for a girl he met two months ago? My family is well-off and his is working class. Sounds like he's found his meal ticket! I don't know if he can give me the lifestyle that I am accustomed to now. If he is 27 and spending six hours a day on Skype, he can not and will not be able to give you the lifestyle you are likely accustomed to. Does your dad have six hours a day to spare to talk on the phone and Skype? He's extremely brilliant, but he could not afford to attend college, so he does not have a high paying job. If he is so brilliant, he could figure out how to get one of the many loans available from the government to attend college. He may be brilliant, but he clearly lacks ambition. How do you feel about that? Do you want to potentially be the main breadwinner if you remain with him? The thing is that I am so in love, so I would not mind downsizing to be with him. I think that now though. I don't know how i will feel in the future... You are in the honeymoon, blinded by love phase. Keep your wits about you, take things slow, and see how it plays out. His true colors will show within the next six months. Personally, I think you should find a guy who lives in your city and is closer to your own age. 7
ebor Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 This thread is going to be heartbreaking and you will think you are the exception to the rule. But this is way too early and you know so little about this guy whom BTW have far more experience than you, add to that (I am guessing) this is your first relationship I don't think you are on a stable ground and you need to be careful. Don't risk anything permanent 1
SmartDude Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 You will be fine. Just enjoy it and try not to think about him too much when you are not with him. Relationship experience has nothing to do with it. Don't even worry about that. Bitter people who go in and out of relationships will try to feed all kinds of garbage to your mind. Remember its all based on their experiences and has nothing to do with yours. As for your parents? Mmm well, maybe don't say your in love yet. Perhaps hiding your feelings is something you are doing because your instincts are telling you that is what you should do right now. You don't need to know the reason. Go see him again! Don't worry about if he is broke or has money, lifestyle blah blah blah. Just take it as an opportunity to show love to someone. If he is smart he will love you back.
winny Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 You will be fine. Just enjoy it and try not to think about him too much when you are not with him. Relationship experience has nothing to do with it. Don't even worry about that. Bitter people who go in and out of relationships will try to feed all kinds of garbage to your mind. Remember its all based on their experiences and has nothing to do with yours. As for your parents? Mmm well, maybe don't say your in love yet. Perhaps hiding your feelings is something you are doing because your instincts are telling you that is what you should do right now. You don't need to know the reason. Go see him again! Don't worry about if he is broke or has money, lifestyle blah blah blah. Just take it as an opportunity to show love to someone. If he is smart he will love you back. No one is pessimistic here.... people are sharing their thoughts coz she posted and asked for it. She needs to be very very careful here, coz it's only 2 months and she has met him only once and she is too young and too much infatuated already. Maybe this guy is good... only time will tell. But when blinded by love... young girls most of the time take steps which they regret forever. So thats why she needs to keep her emotions in control and go very slow and see how this guy treats her few months down the line. And to OP - Please be alert for any kind of manipulation. You may not even understand at times when someone is manipulating you when u get so emotionally involved so soon. I would say... if you have a good friend who you trust, keep him/her updated on whats happening. 1
TylerDurdenn Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 OP i don't see how you can be so high on your horse yet unable to see the bigger picture?
married2school Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 For meeting someone just once… I think it's a bit soon to "be in love." I realize you guys talk a lot, but I think in-person time is what really matters. I also don't see where this guy has six hours a day to Skype. Personally, that sends off all sorts of red-flags to me. Sounds to me like he needs to have more of his own life. And even if he comes from a less wealthy family and is still "really bright", that is no excuse for not attending college. Neither of my parents went to college. I went to undergrad on scholarship, then took out a crap ton of loans for graduate school and now medical school. His family's background is absolutely no excuse.
SmartDude Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 For meeting someone just once… I think it's a bit soon to "be in love." I realize you guys talk a lot, but I think in-person time is what really matters. I also don't see where this guy has six hours a day to Skype. Personally, that sends off all sorts of red-flags to me. Sounds to me like he needs to have more of his own life. And even if he comes from a less wealthy family and is still "really bright", that is no excuse for not attending college. Neither of my parents went to college. I went to undergrad on scholarship, then took out a crap ton of loans for graduate school and now medical school. His family's background is absolutely no excuse. I am going to have to disagree with this statement as well. Yes he is on skype for six hours per day. He is spending all that time with HER! Just being able to fill that much time with conversation is a good sign that there is a connection. I get a sense from looking at her picture and the way she is expressing herself, that she will be just fine. Heartbreak is always a possibility but there is also a chance that this will simply be her first love. You are all a being too pessimistic. Stop scaring this woman, common now, lets try to be more positive. Why not offer her helpful suggestions instead of painting this picture of doom and gloom. Ok, I am done with scolding forum members for today:laugh:
Author julie3 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 he was in between jobs at the time. now he works 8 hours per day making 30 dollars per hour. I realize that is still working class though. he comes from a working class family, but he has a very classy personality. he also writes me the most amazing poems, songs, etc. you would never guess he was working class unless he told you.(this is coming from me btw, a "rich jew"). anyways, all your posts gave me a lot of thought and consideration, so i abruptly broke up with him via text. it was so sudden and i feel really bad now. it was a dumb move. i'm such an idiot and i think i really hurt him. this is the super condensed version of our conversation... me: i think we should be just friends. i'm sorry but i'm too young for a committed relationship, yet alone a long distance relationship. i'm sorry but i don't think it will work. i'm really sorry and i really like you but our relationship does not make sense. it's not fair to you. you don't have the financial security to spend enough time with me. i can't be with someone i could see only a limited amount. i really did like you though. and you do mean a lot to me. and i hope you find someone great because you deserve it. i dont mean to be rude but it's just that we come from completely different worlds and i long for my kids to grow up the way i have. ill just end up feeling guilty my whole life if i'm with you. it's easier to be with someone who's similar to me and doesn't have to change his life around in order to be with me him: ok i guess you made it clear i'm not good enough for you and you don't want to be with me. i don't understand the change of heart and why so sudden. where did this come from? me: 1) i'm not going to see you often 2) you're stubborn about attending college 3) i don't want to be the breadwinner. i will most likely end up resenting you for these things in the future him: i'm not stubborn about attending college, i just can't do it right now. and i told you i could see you every weekend if you wanted. but it doesn't matter, you've made up your mind. i knew i wasn't rich enough, successful enough or jewish enough for you but you said not to worry. i knew i wasn't good enough for you. me: i don't want you to waste your money on me. it makes me feel guilty. i need a guy who i'm convenient for, so i don't have to feel guilty about you spending money on me. him: that's a horrible reason. if you love me, it will work. me: it's about money, distance, and age. him: not everyones life is so fortunate. you don't know anything about the **** i've been through that's held me back in life. the sun can't and doesn't shine on everyone. find a guy who's from money, who's parents paid his way through college. that doesn't guarantee he'll love you like i do. ask yourself what's more important and your decision will be a lot clearer. it would be hard to find another guy who would write you songs or poems or make you bracelets or read to you while you fall asleep me: i know. that's why i'm conflicted. i don't want to lose touch with you. you're a great person and i enjoy talking to you.
bubbaganoosh Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Relationships are hard enough when their the two involved are close by to one another. Being 3 hours away means a long distance relationship and they very seldom work. I think you did the right thing by ending it but I do have a few questions and some day you might have to come to grips with. What if some day you meet a nice guy who really cares about you and respects you and treats really good and just by chance he comes from the dreaded "working class" and isn't a ( as you have put it) a rich Jew but a middle class guy from a different religion. The reason why I'm asking this is because of the way you ended it with this guy. You have in so many words told him that he doesn't qualify because he's not good enough for your social standing and your upper crust class. Your words. "It's about money, distance and age". I understand the age and distance but you have no right rubbing his nose in the dirt because he hasn't come from the life style that you have. My advice to you is that you should think before you speak because if you think that you have the right to talk down to someone like you did do to him, doesn't put you in a very good light. I'm speaking from experience on this. I was once told by a girl from a upper crust family that I couldn't come to her house to pick her up for a date because I came from a middle class family and didn't live in the high end part of town and I told her in a polite way to shove her high class attitude sideways. No one has that right to talk down to anyone and I hope you grow out of it because your words may come back and haunt you. 1
Author julie3 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 he knew since the beginning that he wasn't well off enough. we have discussed it in the past. it's nothing new. he knew i wasn't trying to be arrogant and that i was just attempting to get my point across. he knows i mean well. if this was someone i was not so close with, i would definitely not speak to him this way. anyways, i miss him already. i was crying while breaking up with him via text. i would just feel so guilty if he ended up with me. i wouldn't want him to spend a dime on me. this is why it is easier to marry a guy with money, so i wouldn't feel as guilty about being treated well economically.
SmartDude Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 he was in between jobs at the time. now he works 8 hours per day making 30 dollars per hour. I realize that is still working class though. he comes from a working class family, but he has a very classy personality. he also writes me the most amazing poems, songs, etc. you would never guess he was working class unless he told you.(this is coming from me btw, a "rich jew"). anyways, all your posts gave me a lot of thought and consideration, so i abruptly broke up with him via text. it was so sudden and i feel really bad now. it was a dumb move. i'm such an idiot and i think i really hurt him. this is the super condensed version of our conversation... me: i think we should be just friends. i'm sorry but i'm too young for a committed relationship, yet alone a long distance relationship. i'm sorry but i don't think it will work. i'm really sorry and i really like you but our relationship does not make sense. it's not fair to you. you don't have the financial security to spend enough time with me. i can't be with someone i could see only a limited amount. i really did like you though. and you do mean a lot to me. and i hope you find someone great because you deserve it. i dont mean to be rude but it's just that we come from completely different worlds and i long for my kids to grow up the way i have. ill just end up feeling guilty my whole life if i'm with you. it's easier to be with someone who's similar to me and doesn't have to change his life around in order to be with me him: ok i guess you made it clear i'm not good enough for you and you don't want to be with me. i don't understand the change of heart and why so sudden. where did this come from? me: 1) i'm not going to see you often 2) you're stubborn about attending college 3) i don't want to be the breadwinner. i will most likely end up resenting you for these things in the future him: i'm not stubborn about attending college, i just can't do it right now. and i told you i could see you every weekend if you wanted. but it doesn't matter, you've made up your mind. i knew i wasn't rich enough, successful enough or jewish enough for you but you said not to worry. i knew i wasn't good enough for you. me: i don't want you to waste your money on me. it makes me feel guilty. i need a guy who i'm convenient for, so i don't have to feel guilty about you spending money on me. him: that's a horrible reason. if you love me, it will work. me: it's about money, distance, and age. him: not everyones life is so fortunate. you don't know anything about the **** i've been through that's held me back in life. the sun can't and doesn't shine on everyone. find a guy who's from money, who's parents paid his way through college. that doesn't guarantee he'll love you like i do. ask yourself what's more important and your decision will be a lot clearer. it would be hard to find another guy who would write you songs or poems or make you bracelets or read to you while you fall asleep me: i know. that's why i'm conflicted. i don't want to lose touch with you. you're a great person and i enjoy talking to you. My god woman. Now I am actually worried about you. You have rejected him because you want a certain lifestyle? Do you really want a breadwinner who conforms to a certain social class? Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. You might get a dull investment banker who fills your nights with meaningless conversation. he will be stinking up your lavish apartment with wine and cheese farts all night long. But at least you will get to send your kids to a private school and buy that nice dress ehh? What do you want, wine and cheese farts or poetry and real love? He may have something that you do not at this point. From another perspective, he is the one who is rich and you are poor. He may be your ticket out of the zombified realm of the rich. I still say go for it. Just text him back and say that your dad got a hold of your phone and that he was the one sending those texts. It might work?
Author julie3 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 My god woman. Now I am actually worried about you. You have rejected him because you want a certain lifestyle? that's not the main reason why. i have clinical depression so it's easy for me to feel guilty. If i were to end up with him, i wouldn't have kids because i would not want them to live a lifestyle that is different than mine. it would be painful to watch. I am not worth spending money on. so the fact that he doesn't have much to begin with, makes it that much harder. i would feel really guilty all the time. i'm not as superficial as you think. Just text him back and say that your dad got a hold of your phone and that he was the one sending those texts. It might work? lol no he knows it's me. i have a distinct texting style, and we are still in our argument. and i never told my parents about him. i'm super nervous about their reaction.
Author julie3 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 that's not the main reason why. i have clinical depression so it's easy for me to feel guilty. If i were to end up with him, i wouldn't have kids because i would not want them to live a lifestyle that is different than mine. it would be painful to watch. I am not worth spending money on. so the fact that he doesn't have much to begin with, makes it that much harder. i would feel really guilty all the time. i'm not as superficial as you think.
SmartDude Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Alright, Ya I feel you. Clinical depression is no walk in the park. You are a warrior just for dealing with that on its own. Good call on not discussing this with the parents. I think this is a smart move for now.
Author julie3 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Yeah, i don't think i could be in any committed relationship for a very long time. i have very low self-worth and insecurity issues. he knows this and tries to help me through it, but i don't want to be a burden on him. (even though he says he doesn't mind)
deathandtaxes Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 that's not the main reason why. i have clinical depression so it's easy for me to feel guilty. If i were to end up with him, i wouldn't have kids because i would not want them to live a lifestyle that is different than mine. it would be painful to watch. I am not worth spending money on. so the fact that he doesn't have much to begin with, makes it that much harder. i would feel really guilty all the time. i'm not as superficial as you think. The depression complicates things a lot. The distance complicates things a lot. I have some serious reservations about the whole lifestyle issue, but I will keep that counsel to myself. But you're young. Hopefully you can find somebody that lives really, really close that you love and that you will not hesitate to tell your parents of. Or find many somebodies over the next several years. Live it up.
TylerDurdenn Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 OP do you honestly think money = happiness?
rocketman122 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I would throw you in a second or wait till I screw you then throw you a second after. Im jewish also, but dont walk around thinking im the greatest thing. to be jewish is not as you think. jewish people are not superior to others so get it out of your head. be humble and modest. you are very immature. meh, just a delusional little girl. 2
RedRobin Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Tell your parents. They will give you a reality check. When I was 12, an 18 year old boy I met at the local pool tried to get me to kiss him... Told me he loved me. I told him, "how can you love someone you don't even know?" I told my parents. They made a point of answering the phone first from then on. Find some people your own age to associate with. This guy sounds like trouble. Serious trouble.
rocketman122 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Tell your parents. They will give you a reality check. When I was 12, an 18 year old boy I met at the local pool tried to get me to kiss him... Told me he loved me. I told him, "how can you love someone you don't even know?" I told my parents. They made a point of answering the phone first from then on. Find some people your own age to associate with. This guy sounds like trouble. Serious trouble. actually she sounds like trouble. he seems like a nice guy. she seems like the one who needs therapy.
RedRobin Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 actually she sounds like trouble. he seems like a nice guy. she seems like the one who needs therapy. no, she sounds naïve and gullible. If I were her big sis, I'd tell her the same. Steer clear of guys promising the moon and the stars... especially older ones who live three + hours away that neither she or those who care about her can verify.
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