compartmentalizing their real feelings during R?

[thecharade]

Aren't they still doing it? What they have always done before? Acting like everything is fine by focusing only on what is good and working (family in tact, reputation good, kids happy) instead of what is lost and what hurts?

 

How is this better/more acceptable than when they compartmentalized the A? I see it over and over again: a WS who doesn't want to talk about the A, doesn't bring it up, says he's forgotten all about it. I mean, really? What else can that be called when they have been exchanging ILYs? It isn't honesty.

[thecharade]

I guess I mean, if they were so good at it during the A, why would a BS think that was not also true during R? Because it is true from all I've seen.

[Spark1111]

But what has lead you to believe the BS is accepting it?

 

Maybe a brave face could be put on in public for the sake of the family and the children, but privately? I doubt it.

 

I was one raging whirling dervish who kept packing his bags if I sensed the slightest attempt to rug sweep the affair or minimize his OW.

 

I sensed that action for exactly what it was; a blatant attempt to have it all go away and PRETEND it was all normal to return to the status quo and I wasn't having it.

 

Most BS I know were like me: first numb and in shock then crazy in anger and in pain and I had both barrels leveled squarely at him.

 

Jus t like I dragged all, not most of the info out of him in my quest for truth, I also now had cell phone records, emails, and bank statements so he couldn't lie his way out of it anymore.

 

I also had a divorce lawyer on speed dial for two years and not even my children, family or closest friends knew that.

 

Just like I will never know everything that went on during the affair, you can never know all that happens when that MM returns home.

 

He only continues to compartmentalize if he is allowed to and why a BS would want the appearance only of a happy relationship is beyond me after experiencing the devastation of infidelity.

[thecharade]

I read. Here and on other websites. Men talking about their APs, but not wanting to lose "their lives." I always think, "Of course, duh. They don't hate their wives, still care about them and feel terrible. But that has not one iotta to do with their AP and how they mourn." They simply put the pain and loss out of their minds until a better time.

 

Not all As or APs, but many. Especially the LTAs and heavy duty EAs.

 

It's a given.

[thecharade]

The question (to me) is, "Can a person really want/need R and also really love/miss/adore their AP (secretly) forever?"

 

I say YES!

[Spark1111]

I personally could not have lived with a man while he was mourning the loss of his AP.

 

That would have been excruciating beyond the pale and I would be divorced today.

 

So I threw him out to be with his AP, wished them well, and refused to discuss us at any turn.

 

It seemed to be the last thing he wanted and no one was more shocked then I.

 

I was also shocked to learn he NEVER told her that.

 

I'm sure he had feelings for her. I'm sure he also lied to her almost as much as he lied to me.

 

But I refused to be anyone's default choice, whether married or not. And I think the way he treated her was despicable and cowardly and told him so.

[Cocochai]

So let's say the AP decides to go NC and the MM starts to act all distance because he's trying to cope w/ someone whose been in his life suddenly gone with the wind? I think something like that would happen more so then the MM having a Dday and trying to do everything in his power to build the trust again.

 

He may miss her but it wouldn't really be worth pondering over if he wants to build the trust back.

 

I doubt couples compartalizing while trying to built back the trust unless, the MM isn't trying to built trust and still lying about the A.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Cocochai

[ZMM]

Aren't they still doing it? What they have always done before? Acting like everything is fine by focusing only on what is good and working (family in tact, reputation good, kids happy) instead of what is lost and what hurts?

 

How is this better/more acceptable than when they compartmentalized the A? I see it over and over again: a WS who doesn't want to talk about the A, doesn't bring it up, says he's forgotten all about it. I mean, really? What else can that be called when they have been exchanging ILYs? It isn't honesty.

 

I think what you say is totally true regarding the compartmentalizing.

 

But, for the more serious LTAs, where they were emotionally attached, they probably have no choice. In addition, I'm not sure if everything they post on here is their true feelings. It seems to me there is almost a group speak on here, where everyone knows what they are supposed to say and they seem to fall in line.

 

You also see it a lot with the new posters, where at the beginning of their post, they make an announcement proclaiming they know that they are basically the scum of the earth, etc. - they obviously have read a lot of threads before ever posting.

[whichwayisup]

The question (to me) is, "Can a person really want/need R and also really love/miss/adore their AP (secretly) forever?"

 

I say YES!

 

Yeah but wouldn't the intensity of those feelings fade away over time? Detachment just happens naturally when emotions aren't being fed. I doubt many years later each AP is missed deeply and intently like they were from the start.

[MissBee]

Aren't they still doing it? What they have always done before? Acting like everything is fine by focusing only on what is good and working (family in tact, reputation good, kids happy) instead of what is lost and what hurts?

 

How is this better/more acceptable than when they compartmentalized the A? I see it over and over again: a WS who doesn't want to talk about the A, doesn't bring it up, says he's forgotten all about it. I mean, really? What else can that be called when they have been exchanging ILYs? It isn't honesty.

 

I don't think in true reconciliation this is what happens.

 

This is simply rug sweeping and I don't think true reconciliation can occur by rug sweeping.

[MissBee]

The question (to me) is, "Can a person really want/need R and also really love/miss/adore their AP (secretly) forever?"

 

I say YES!

 

Forever???

 

I'm not sure about that...but that would suck for such a person if that indeed happened.

 

And it benefits no one. Not them. Not their spouse. Not their AP. So it's pretty pointless.

 

Most people get over their strong feelings with time, esp if during that time they no longer speak to this other person. I remember how I felt at the beginning of breakups like I would never move on, never love again etc...then I did. I think it is more abnormal for a person to "forever" never get over it. I will always love my exAP in some ways but it is very detached and not at all some kind of angsty thing or something I think about constantly nor will it mean I won't be able to love someone else more and have a full relationship with them. I also found that for me it was only when things weren't going well or I was single that I would think about him and the good times, as it is with most exes, esp in a new breakup but when I was happy and in a new R I didn't at all think of them in any longing kind of way.

Edited December 31, 2013 by MissBee

[ZMM]

Yeah but wouldn't the intensity of those feelings fade away over time? Detachment just happens naturally when emotions aren't being fed. I doubt many years later each AP is missed deeply and intently like they were from the start.

 

I would assume it could take a very long time, just like other non-affair LTRs. Somewhere I heard for a man to totally get over it, it's like 3 years for every 1 year. Not sure if it's true, but for some it probably is and sometimes they never get over it, especially if they never see the person again. When they don't see the person, they are left with this idealized image of that person. If they do see the person again a few years later, there's a good chance they will be disillusioned and get over it.

 

They definitely can put it out of their mind and live their life, but they may still carry a torch.

 

JMO

Edited December 31, 2013 by ZMM

[waterwoman]

ZMM - if that is the case, h should have got over his OW in 18months. The a was 6 months. And I think he did. First thing he said to me when he confessed was that he loved her but when i asked if he was leaving he said no because he loved me too. After 18 months he said one day 'I am not sure I ever really loved her. I guess it was just have been MLC fuelled infatuation'.

 

Absence and facing the consequnces of your actions works wonders in the end.

[Got it]

I think it depends. I think some MP see things in a different perspective when some time and space, I think some do mourn the lose of their AP but time does heal many wounds, and I think some carry a torch.

 

I do question those that carry a torch as those who like to "watch things happen/dream through life" but do little to actually bring it to fruition. They just like to take this shiny dream off the shelf, brush it off, stare at it and put it back on the shelf ultimately happy about this arrangement.

 

I would hope that for those, at some point in their lives, they try and reconcile the two worlds and finally go after what they want or fully plant both feet in some part of their world.

[Cocochai]

I think what you say is totally true regarding the compartmentalizing.

 

But, for the more serious LTAs, where they were emotionally attached, they probably have no choice. In addition, I'm not sure if everything they post on here is their true feelings. It seems to me there is almost a group speak on here, where everyone knows what they are supposed to say and they seem to fall in line.

 

You also see it a lot with the new posters, where at the beginning of their post, they make an announcement proclaiming they know that they are basically the scum of the earth, etc. - they obviously have read a lot of threads before ever posting.

 

What is LTAs?

 

I know for me personally, this is the only place I can vent and pour out my heart on how I'm truly feeling. Nobody close to me face to face could understand what I'm going through with the A or with my NC.

 

I personally cant see how anyone can not put their true feelings out on here when your coming here for advise and opinions of others who should know exactly what your going through.

 

I didn't even know a board like this existed but.... It's helped keep me sane.

[ZMM]

What is LTAs?

 

LTAs = Long Term Affairs

 

I personally cant see how anyone can not put their true feelings out on here when your coming here for advise and opinions of others who should know exactly what your going through.

 

I didn't even know a board like this existed but.... It's helped keep me sane.

 

That was just my opinion. I do think they try, but perhaps they do it even if it's only on a subconscious level.

 

It's interesting too, that sometimes during the course of a thread, you will see some OPs gain more confidence as they work through their problems.

[ZMM]

Absence and facing the consequnces of your actions works wonders in the end.

 

That can be true, but 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' became an adage for a reason.

 

I'm glad things worked out for you both.

[yellowmaverick]

I would assume it could take a very long time, just like other non-affair LTRs. Somewhere I heard for a man to totally get over it, it's like 3 years for every 1 year. Not sure if it's true, but for some it probably is and sometimes they never get over it, especially if they never see the person again. When they don't see the person, they are left with this idealized image of that person. If they do see the person again a few years later, there's a good chance they will be disillusioned and get over it.

 

They definitely can put it out of their mind and live their life, but they may still carry a torch.

 

JMO

 

I think this is very dangerous and unhealthy thinking for an OW. Some hold on for YEARS believing that their KISA was coming back to them. When my H's mistress learned that I had chosen not to reconcile, she took it as a sign to aggressively pursue him again. But he didn't want her, and her failure to accept that led to stalking and other craziness. Although they saw each only about 6 times in 8 months, she has held on for YEARS afterwards. She truly has some mental issues - who does that for someone she barely knew and just screwed a few times???

 

Don't let yourself be that person. Yes, it hurts knowing that you were used to stroke him, but it's time to gather your pride and stop wasting your time on someone who is not worthy.

[ZMM]

I think this is very dangerous and unhealthy thinking for an OW. Some hold on for YEARS believing that their KISA was coming back to them. When my H's mistress learned that I had chosen not to reconcile, she took it as a sign to aggressively pursue him again. But he didn't want her, and her failure to accept that led to stalking and other craziness. Although they saw each only about 6 times in 8 months, she has held on for YEARS afterwards. She truly has some mental issues - who does that for someone she barely knew and just screwed a few times???

 

Don't let yourself be that person. Yes, it hurts knowing that you were used to stroke him, but it's time to gather your pride and stop wasting your time on someone who is not worthy.

 

You may be right, I was just speaking as a man regarding someone you are truly in love with in an affair or otherwise. And as I said, you get on with your life, you don't sit around moping, but it is still there.

[Realist3]

Aren't they still doing it? What they have always done before? Acting like everything is fine by focusing only on what is good and working (family in tact, reputation good, kids happy) instead of what is lost and what hurts?

 

How is this better/more acceptable than when they compartmentalized the A? I see it over and over again: a WS who doesn't want to talk about the A, doesn't bring it up, says he's forgotten all about it. I mean, really? What else can that be called when they have been exchanging ILYs? It isn't honesty.

 

Of course they are. Just because there is a d-day doesn't mean the A relationship instantly ends, regardless of all the demands made by the BS. The A relationship faced a false ending. The feelings are still there, and there is a definite mourning process which can't be shared with anyone, so it is compartmentalized.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Realist3

[thecharade]

Thank you all.

 

I have not been able to respond, but I was talking about myself, too. I am a MOW working on R without a dday. That does not mean I have not come completely clean with anyone because my IC knows everything. She knows all of how I feel and what I have done.

 

I want my M because it's easier--for my kids, my extended family, and my career. I feel like what my exMM would say: "We don't have a choice because marriages exist and kids have been born." So, I work HARD on my M. But . . .

 

I am still here. I compartmentalize my AP. I try to forget how much he meant and means to me.

 

He e-mailed recently. (We have not seen each other or conversed in 18 months.) "I am just hanging in there." Well, I get it. We want our Ms to work for all of the "other, very real consequences." Not at all because we don't love each other.

 

Consequences kill an R. Not your feelings.

 

He and I are compartmentalizing, right? Is that the best we can do? I still say Yes. (Telling changes nothing. People can and do always lie. "No, honey. Those pants look good. I can't tell you've gained weight.") No lying in M? You have got to be joking.

 

I want my M. I have strong companionate (friendship) love for my H. But I miss my guy, my AP. I've loved him for 31 years.

[nicepuzzle]

Yeah but wouldn't the intensity of those feelings fade away over time? Detachment just happens naturally when emotions aren't being fed. I doubt many years later each AP is missed deeply and intently like they were from the start.

 

Mine came back after 6 year s claiming to be still in love...

[nicepuzzle]

I think this is very dangerous and unhealthy thinking for an OW. Some hold on for YEARS believing that their KISA was coming back to them. When my H's mistress learned that I had chosen not to reconcile, she took it as a sign to aggressively pursue him again. But he didn't want her, and her failure to accept that led to stalking and other craziness. Although they saw each only about 6 times in 8 months, she has held on for YEARS afterwards. She truly has some mental issues - who does that for someone she barely knew and just screwed a few times???

 

Don't let yourself be that person. Yes, it hurts knowing that you were used to stroke him, but it's time to gather your pride and stop wasting your time on someone who is not worthy.

 

It looks it wad ego stroking for u knowing ur husband didnt want her anymore. She might do the same get him and dump him like u did. But sometimes pple go crazy because they need answers not because they want them.

[Otherworldly]

I read. Here and on other websites. Men talking about their APs, but not wanting to lose "their lives." I always think, "Of course, duh. They don't hate their wives, still care about them and feel terrible. But that has not one iotta to do with their AP and how they mourn." They simply put the pain and loss out of their minds until a better time.

 

Not all As or APs, but many. Especially the LTAs and heavy duty EAs.

 

It's a given.

 

Dear Charade,

Thank you for starting this discussion thread. As many of us are, I am isolated with my feelings and having a harder time getting perspective on all that has happened. When things started between xMM and me, he told me and he believed his marriage was over (she had cheated on him with another MM and the M had been in crisis for years). He and his wife had agreed to divorce and worked out division of assets and separate living arrangements--even discussed seeing other people. He was forthright with her about our relationship. It was never hidden. She knows who I am. I was not the OW in the typical sense. But I became that. Ironically, it took his relationship with me for her to want to make "fresh changes" and work on their marriage. He struggled with his decision--but only for a few days. His choice was to work on his marriage. And I do not fault him for wanting to give his M another shot with her newly inspired conviction. However...what I assumed was the end was not. He did not intend to stop our relationship--which was surprising and confusing. Confusing because he chose to take his wife back. Our relationship was very intense, deep, close. And we had been friends for years without any involvement at all--so had that investment in each other as well. The break was pretty hard... The break up came not as a result of a fight or anything between us--but because of the abiding commitment to and love for his wife and hers for him. Very hard for me to reconcile how he could be of two minds/hearts and still want our relationship to continue while working on his marriage. About two months after the reconciliation, they broke up again and moved apart. They had decided again to divorce. xMM and I were together again. But not for long. She found indications that xMM had continued to see me while they were supposedly reconciling--and, understandably hurt and furious, she threatened a nasty divorce and public exposure of the A to our many common friends. He went NC very suddenly. The anguish I felt was otherworldly. I questioned how someone who loved me could do something to hurt me so much--without any explanation or opportunity for me to reply. As far as I knew, they were getting divorced and we were great--then, boom! Grenade went off in my heart. Several months later, EA resumed and then on one final occasion, PA. EA continued very briefly after that, but she was aware that we had some contact through mutual activities we pursue and was hurt by it. So, once again, without a word, curtain of silence drops. Of course, it is to his credit that he does not want to see his wife hurt and is making the changes she requests. I am, nonetheless, personally hurt that he moves closer and closer, then pulls away hard. I take full responsibility for allowing it, which I do regret. Sure, I was longing for him in my heart after he resumed contact and professed undying love. But my capitulation served no one.

So, returning to your thread--it is timely. I am struggling to understand how he could love me and do this. But the conversation about compartmentalization helps me to understand. I have no false hope and have probably burned that bridge anyway. But I want to know that what I felt for so long and so deeply wasn't just a fantasy.

This forum is important to me because I have only my sister and my IC to speak to about this. My IC is currently very ill and my sister has her own personal crises. So, thank you for providing me with a safe place to come and talk about my feelings and learn and see how others have progressed and moved on after the devastation from ending a close and once loving relationship.

[yellowmaverick]

It looks it wad ego stroking for u knowing ur husband didnt want her anymore. She might do the same get him and dump him like u did. But sometimes pple go crazy because they need answers not because they want them.

 

There was nothing ego-stroking about it for me. I am not one who needs my ego stroked, and fwiw, the callous way he used her was one of the reasons I chose not to stay with him. It was just all about him.

 

That being said, her crazy irrational behavior was all on her. My children and I did not do anything to warrant her ****ty behavior towards us. We didn't even know her.