MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 First of all, I want to say that I have a great bf. He treats me well. He makes me happy but there are some things that bother me in our relationship. He is not affectionate in public. He is very affectionate tho when its just the two of us. I once mentioned to him to add me on facebook but he never did. He said he has a nosy mom and aunts and would ask millions questions to him. I have never been to his place. I initiated hanging out at his place but everytime we planned, something always came up that we had to change the plan. These are the things that bother me. Like I said he treats me really well. He spends time with me 2-3x a week. We go on weekend trips together. We made plan to go on a trip again next month.I tell myself that I shouldnt worry but those three things bother me. Should I be worried or am I just being paranoid and suspicious? How do I bring it up to him? Weve been dating for almost three months. Ive dated a guy before him who lied to me being single who was cheating on his gf and me. This guy did not want me on his facebook because he was cheating. I dont want to think that my bf is doing the same thing because of my past bad experience I cant help but wonder.
Onethirtyeight Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I don't know how everyone is but I find it odd that he wouldn't add you as a friend on facebook. I mean I never say I'm in a relationship with anyone but I'd totally add a chick if I'm dating her. I'd say things come up all the time, if he's already making time to see you multiple times a week that's pretty good. Especially if you're not hooking up every time. 2
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 I don't know how everyone is but I find it odd that he wouldn't add you as a friend on facebook. I mean I never say I'm in a relationship with anyone but I'd totally add a chick if I'm dating her. I'd say things come up all the time, if he's already making time to see you multiple times a week that's pretty good. Especially if you're not hooking up every time. He asked me to be his gf and I said yes. He makes time to see me even to just take me out for dinner and he lives 30 miles away. What bothers me is he doesnt want me on his facebook and seems like he doesnt want me spending time at his place. According to him he lives with a friend he knows since high school.
Onethirtyeight Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 He asked me to be his gf and I said yes. He makes time to see me even to just take me out for dinner and he lives 30 miles away. What bothers me is he doesnt want me on his facebook and seems like he doesnt want me spending time at his place. According to him he lives with a friend he knows since high school. I wouldn't read too much into this like skuds is saying. I mean he does want to be officially dating you right? That's a pretty sure sign hes not screwing with you. Sounds like there are legit reasons for all this. As far as him not wanting you to spend time at his place I understand that. I don't want my roommates in my relationships.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 First my sympathies for being cheated on in the past, that never fails to suck long term. Having said that, to address each of your points.. He is not affectionate in public: Is that a big deal breaker to you? I know many people who love being affectionate in public and see it as a sign you care for the person you're with regardless of what anyone else thinks. I also know just as many who don't like being PDA-y, as it bothers them. It just does. Some people can't stand sitting on wet leather interiors, others don't like putting their affection in the face of other people just trying to go about their day. So again, is that a deal breaker for you? He is very affectionate tho when its just the two of us.: I feel like this should be the answer to the above problem. It could just be that he's shy or it bothers him, a great indicator is if he's affectionate with you in private...at least in terms of interest. To be honest it never occurred to me until I was writing this that your concerns were that he may be cheating on you and that's why he wouldn't be affectionate in public. As my mother always says though, let's not go looking for crocodiles eh? Unless he has given you hard reason to be concerned, letting the past affect the future needlessly would be pretty tragic. I once mentioned to him to add me on facebook but he never did. : I've never understood this as a problem. The fact is that he probably DOES have nosy relatives and parents on his Facebook. Perhaps he's wanting to let the relationship progress a bit more before subjecting you to the awkward family lurking party that will inevitably ensue? Or perhaps he just doesn't care enough about Facebook enough to care about adding someone? I have many friends who use theirs maybe once a month. But I don't know his typical Facebook usage so I wouldn't know. Good luck! He said that he doesn't use his facebook but he will start using it often next year. Maybe Im just reading to much into it because of what I had experienced in the past with someone who was cheating on his gf to date me. My bf is great and we have a good relationship so far and I dont want to ruin it by bringing up stuff that isnt really an issue.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 I wouldn't read too much into this like skuds is saying. I mean he does want to be officially dating you right? That's a pretty sure sign hes not screwing with you. Sounds like there are legit reasons for all this. As far as him not wanting you to spend time at his place I understand that. I don't want my roommates in my relationships. I feel that he is hiding me for whatever reason. I met his coworkers because he took me with him to his work party.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 I wouldn't read too much into this like skuds is saying. I mean he does want to be officially dating you right? That's a pretty sure sign hes not screwing with you. Sounds like there are legit reasons for all this. As far as him not wanting you to spend time at his place I understand that. I don't want my roommates in my relationships. And yes we are officially bf/gf.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Trips me out a little bit that you have said many times that he's a great, amazing boyfriend who drives 30 miles out of his way to come spend time with you, yet you still have this level of worry. Putting on my suspicion hat for a moment and aiming this conversation at you, ever thought of talking to a therapist about any of this? Trust issues are hard to resolve, and they can cause a ton of collateral damage for no reason until they're fixed. You may want to curb this knack for suspicion you're developing, it will really only get worse. I dont understand why he doesnt want me on his facebook and why we dont spend time at his place because his roommate is there. The guy who I was dating who cheated did the same thing. He did not want the other girl to spend time at his place because I was hanging out at his place but he did not want me on his facebook because the other girl was tagging him. I never had problems trusting people. I trusted the other guy and did not bother pressuring him to add me but what happened was I got cheated on for trusting so much. I dont want the same mistake to happen again.
Keenly Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 The question is are you going to let an insecurity like adding you on Facebook break up a good relationship ? 1
deathandtaxes Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Three months and not hanging at his place. That's a big red flag. You don't know if he's telling you the truth or not. He could be hiding a WIFE and KIDS for all you know. The whole roommate thing is just bs smokescreen. 3
beach Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 You can check and see if he's married braying a small fee. He could be married and not saying so. How old is he? Does he take you out on dates? Does he introduce you to many of his friends? Have you met any of his family?
mammasita Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Not hanging out at his place is bogus & not adding you on FB is a red flag. Nosy family is a lame excuse. How does he act when you are together? Is he on his phone a lot? Is he secretive with it? Have you spent the night together? Had sex?
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 You can check and see if he's married braying a small fee. He could be married and not saying so. How old is he? Does he take you out on dates? Does he introduce you to many of his friends? Have you met any of his family? I asked him when we just started dating if he was married or had a gf. He said hes single, not married or dont have a gf and no kids. He takes me out on date. It took two months before we became intimate. And he doesnt expect sex all the time we see each other. Once a week, we just go out to have dinner then he drops me off (weekday). On weekends that when we spend alot of time. We go weekend trips and spend the whole weekend together He is in his early thirties. I havent met his friends but he has mentioned them to me and he said his friends know me. He said something about meeting one of his friends on new years eve. We will also meeting one of his friends next month who lives at a town where were going for a weekend trip. I met his coworkers. I was his plus one to his work party. Ive never met any of his family. He has never met any of my coworkers, friends or family.
Aquanut Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 FWIW, I would never add someone I was dating as a Facebook friend until I was ready to introduce her to all my friends and family. I also found ways not have women over to my house because I was kind of ashamed of where I lived- specifically the lack of cleanliness ;-) I was dating my fiancée 4 months before she ever came inside to my house!! As to cheating, if he is seeing you so often it's unlikely he is lying about being single. If he is cheating it would almost have to be be on a long distance partner. Is he secretive about text messages he receives? That would be a bigger cheater red flag than not adding you on Facebook or reluctance to show you his place. 1
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Not hanging out at his place is bogus & not adding you on FB is a red flag. Nosy family is a lame excuse. How does he act when you are together? Is he on his phone a lot? Is he secretive with it? Have you spent the night together? Had sex? He barely looks at his phone when his with me and he is not protective of it. It just lays everywhere. Yes we have spent the night together. We go on short weekend trips and have spent the whole weekend together. Actually we just did last weekend. Yes weve been intimate after two months of continously seeing each other.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 FWIW, I would never add someone I was dating as a Facebook friend until I was ready to introduce her to all my friends and family. I also found ways not have women over to my house because I was kind of ashamed of where I lived- specifically the lack of cleanliness ;-) I was dating my fiancée 4 months before she ever came inside to my house!! As to cheating, if he is seeing you so often it's unlikely he is lying about being single. If he is cheating it would almost have to be be on a long distance partner. Is he secretive about text messages he receives? That would be a bigger cheater red flag than not adding you on Facebook or reluctance to show you his place. No he is not secretive. He gets text messages and his phone is just laying next to me.
beach Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 How do his friends know you when they've never met you? Have you searched his name on the Internet to see which relatives are attached to his name? Can you tell if names are his parents and siblings only? What has he told you about his background/history - especially with family and women he's dated?
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 How do his friends know you when they've never met you? Have you searched his name on the Internet to see which relatives are attached to his name? Can you tell if names are his parents and siblings only? What has he told you about his background/history - especially with family and women he's dated? He told them about me according to him. And one of his closest friends asked him to ask me if I have friends I could introduce to him. I just searched him and theres only one person linked to him, his brother.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Alright, great. Any chance you're willing to at least consider yet that maybe he just doesn't put that much stock into Facebook? His excuse just doesnt make sense to me. He said he doesnt use it and he has nosy mom and aunts. I have nosy relatives too but I dont mind adding him because I dont hide him and Im not hiding anything. What about him not taking me to his place? These things just worry me. Maybe hes just not into me? But why would he spend new years eve with me and spent christmas with me if he's not.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Why indeed. Good grief lady, you do know that people are called individuals because they have different tastes, preferences, feelings and opinions on things right? So adding people on FB doesn't bug you, that's fantastic. Is it fair to seemingly become suspicious of a guy for not doing the same even though he has done literally nothing else to rouse your suspicions? And you won't even talk to the guy about it? Cut the boy some slack. 'Tis the season or something. I will talk to him about it and let him know these things bother me. 2
GemmaUK Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Normally I wouldn't think much of either...however.. I dated someone who did add me on FB but he kept all his friends hidden from me. After we split I mentioned that he barely ever used FB and found out that I was wrong about that and he did in fact use it a lot but hid statuses from me. He wasn't cheating or anything but he did turn out to be very controlling and manipulative. I went for Christmas last year with his family and at one point had the most bizarre conversation with one of his relatives (happened to be his brother in law who he had described as a horrible person for a stack of pretty childish reasons) but from the conversation I discovered that my bf had told his family absolutely nothing about me at all. It wasn't as if anything was secret. My family (on the other side of the world) knew more about him than hi family (who I spent 5 days with) did about me. He was controlling in many ways but also controlling about who knew what about him - and clearly me too. That is probably the thing I would be more cautious about as he does seem to have time for you. For the fears you currently have though: Does he ever spend weekends with you though or does he go missing at weekends? How much contact did you have over Christmas?
Keenly Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 He is either married/has a gf or hes not really into you, but likes having a gf Why is could be genuinely interested not listed? So far all I see here is a man who doesn't like PDA or facebook.
Author MissNoname Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) I see him more often on weekends because thats when hes off from work. Christmas day, he spent the evening/night with me. Edited December 31, 2013 by MissNoname
regine_phalange Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 First of all, I want to say that I have a great bf. He treats me well. He makes me happy but there are some things that bother me in our relationship. He is not affectionate in public. He is very affectionate tho when its just the two of us. I once mentioned to him to add me on facebook but he never did. He said he has a nosy mom and aunts and would ask millions questions to him. I have never been to his place. I initiated hanging out at his place but everytime we planned, something always came up that we had to change the plan. These are the things that bother me. Like I said he treats me really well. He spends time with me 2-3x a week. We go on weekend trips together. We made plan to go on a trip again next month.I tell myself that I shouldnt worry but those three things bother me. Should I be worried or am I just being paranoid and suspicious? How do I bring it up to him? Weve been dating for almost three months. Ive dated a guy before him who lied to me being single who was cheating on his gf and me. This guy did not want me on his facebook because he was cheating. I dont want to think that my bf is doing the same thing because of my past bad experience I cant help but wonder. Been through your shoes. For me, it has been a red flag. Then, with time, things changed. But I discovered, after we broke up, that he hadn't really broken up with his ex-fiance in the period of the red flags. Make a huge deal out of it and demand that he stops being shady NOW.
Trimmer Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Been through your shoes. For me, it has been a red flag. Then, with time, things changed. But I discovered, after we broke up, that he hadn't really broken up with his ex-fiance in the period of the red flags. Make a huge deal out of it and demand that he stops being shady NOW. Yes, make a huge deal out of it, make sure he understands that it's a demand, tell him he's being shady, and insist on immediate action, NOW. Then head on over to the Breakups forum and let us know how it went. 1
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