I Don't think I can keep up NC

[CDubs464]

Hi everyone, I've never used a forum like this personally aside from reading what others have shared regarding their personal experiences. While this has been informative and helpful, I feel the need to tell my story, reach out for support, and hopefully receive some wisdom regarding my next moves.

 

I am 29 years old and was with my boyfriend for almost three years before I broke it off. The final nail in the coffin was hammered in last August. I had spent a year and a half preparing, designing, and helping to execute a mural with the clients I work with ( I am an art teacher for disabled adults). Upon completion of the mural, I asked my ex if he could please attend the unveiling party. He said he couldn't because his parents were driving across the country from Boston and had already booked a camp site in Yosemite. As the unveiling and their trip were months away, I asked him if he could invite them to join us, reschedule the camping trip, or take a few hours away to come support me and then we could meet them at the camp site the next day together. A few months passed and the week of the event he agreed to come support me. However, the day before he said, "I see you all the time. I never see my family. I'm not coming to your art show. I'm going with them." He had already spent 2 weeks with them (they were in our part of California for awhile) and both of us had been camping with them the week prior. Taking 4 hours away was asking too much.

 

This was the last straw for me as it was not the first time my partner was not present to support me. There were many times when I had been needing his support and he with held it... sometimes deliberately to "Make me stronger."

 

So, we split. Within a few hours he was on the phone with his best friend from Boston whom he'd had a fling with in his teenage years. I had met her once and knew she had strong feelings for him. I told him so. He said I was crazy. After talking with her for a few hours, he invited her to a wedding which i was supposed to attend with him. (Mind you, I'd rearranged my entire summer to attend this wedding as he said it was important to him that I be there).

 

So, they go to the wedding, we stay split for a month and a half, then he comes back. He writes me this long email about how he knows he made a mistake, and he hopes to someday be able to give me the love I deserve and that we both had things we needed to work on but... he loved me. Now, after the separation he KNEW I was the woman he wanted to be with.

 

That lasted for a lovely month and half. Communication was better, we were connecting on physical, and (I thought)emotional levels. Then, mid November, he takes a trip with his dad (with whom he has a lot of attachment issues as his dad is very controlling) across the country to buy a car from his folks. When he got to Boston he said his mom gave him a puppy face when he said he had to return to Cali right away for work and he couldn't bring himself to leave (he's very attached to his mom too... probably more then to his dad). He also saw his friend from the wedding who confessed her love to him.

 

The day he was supposed to call and tell me he left he never did. I was awake all night with worry that he had gotten in an accident or something. I was hoping he was on his way so that he could return in time to see a sculpture of mine be unveiled at a local museum... a first for me. Finally, the next day, I reached him. He said he'd been out with her all night. She called because she was suicidal and he had to pick her up because she had gotten a DUI and had no license. They talked all night. I asked with him if he slept with her and he said "No, out of respect for us I slept on the couch." I asked him if he wanted to sleep with her. He said he didn't know and was confused. I told him he had 2 choices, either tell her that yes, he loves her but only as an old friend and he can support her but only as a friend because he is in love with me and we are trying to make a relationship and future work OR he could tell me he had feelings for this girl and he and I were done. I had to drag all this out of him mind you... he is not one to be open with his feelings. Finally he said, "I'm sorry but I have to see where this goes with her."

 

He ditched his job (without notice, causing several clients to be without necessary care, two of whom he lived with as a live in care taker), his friends, a major agriculture project he'd put two years of work into, and me to go home, live with his parents, and pursue a relationship with this girl.

 

I was and am completely heart broken. To be ditched and to have your partner put a continent between you... it makes one feel very unloved, replaceable, and unattractive. Also, I'm adopted and have a soft spot for abandonment. I see a therapist about those issues but it still stings an awful lot. This all happened about 3.5-4 weeks ago. I've not contacted him in any way shape of form for 3 weeks as of today. He is blocked on FB. I am still missing him like crazy, though it's hard to know why, as I feel what he did was SO mean. I think of him and cry, though not as much as at first and have wild feelings of anger toward him and this girl who swooped in when I was 3,000 miles away and he and I were in a vulnerable state. I've gotten rid of all trinkets and love tokens and pictures, I've talked to my therapist and will continue to do so, I am continuing working on my graduate school applications, signed up for another aerial dance class... but this ache in my heart... this empty feeling... it worries me. Does anyone have any words of encouragement or advice on how to best move forward? Anything would help. Thanks for reading and all be best.

[fixing]

WOW. So sorry for your pain. What a cold hearted selfish uncaring SOB. Im so glad you are already 4 weeks No contact. Tbh, what he has done to you is unforgivable. I doubt you will ever be able to repair the damage after what he has done to you. AND, why the **** should you? You are better off with out him. He cant even offer you much needed support? And cant be arsed to show up to the Museum for your first peice? He's a loser. You deffo are better without him.

Quite hard for you too, being adopted and having to put up with his mummy's boy bs to, and daddy's little favourite bollox.

 

I know its hard, but all you can do is cut him out of your life for good. Keep seeing your therapist. Continue your amazing work with the disabled people. That in itself shows what an amazing person you are.

 

Keep up the no contact, and seriously, dont let him crawl his way back in. Those assssholes deserve eachother.

 

Keep posting here, its a great support site.

[JDPT]

I'm vey sorry that you are currently going through all of this. I think you would agree that your ex perhaps checked out of the relationship a long time ago as he will like to pursuit the possibility of anything developing with this other girl who he had history with. It simply shows the lack of character and commitment to you and the relationship since he is very quick to make changes in his life. You appear to have a very strong fundamental and know exactly what you need to do. Continue to see your therapist, she will guide you through every step and make things a bit more "manageable" for you. Keep busy and continue to move forward with life as you are the only person that matters from this point forward. Take care of yourself and be gentle, you are now in a good place.

[CDubs464]

Thanks guys for your help and encouragement... one day at a time I guess is the only way for me to go.

[fixing]

Yes, exactly that. And do keep using this site and this thread. It really helps. Its like an online diary of your progress.

 

Stay strong x

[bubbaganoosh]

IMO, consider yourself lucky. He has an important person in his life now and you have to deal with it. That person is him.

 

How many times is he going to get wishy-washy with you? If you think it's bad now, think of your life if you married him.

 

Mom gives him puppy dog eyes and he off like he's been shot out of a cannon. Dad is controlling and when he says jump, he says how high.

 

Your unveiling party was not as important to him and he showed you his cards. He comes first and you second and that's the way it will always be.

 

Find yourself a guy that isn't a Mama's boy and considers your feelings and gives you the respect you deserve.

[WhiteTan]

I'm really sorry about your pain but he really just helped you dodge a huge bullet.

 

i don't know the either of you on a personal level but based on what you wrote about him, i can guarantee that you would have a miserable life with this man if you two were to have stayed together.

 

it's hard to believe right now because the break up is still fresh but one day you're gonna be happy this happened.

Edited December 28, 2013 by WhiteTan

[Poppyolive]

you sound wonderful! Im sorry you are hurting, he is a total ass and obviously very messed up....

 

Strength, healing vibes and love to you

 

Take care of your lil heart and racing mind Hugs

[smuggy95]

For now, focus on the bad parts of him- the insensitivity, the weakness. It reminds you of how much better you are free.

Then focus on what you deserve.

Aerial dancing sounds like a great idea. Document your progress with that, and see the improvement in yourself.

 

Some people are poopheads.

[williesd]

It's not going to make you feel any better, but be glad your a month down the road of heeling. With time and focus, the pain will subside. Plus when u come out of it, you will get to rebuild yourself and choose more wisely next time. Sounds like he's selfish for blowing off your event. Similar to my ex, everything was about her, but on occassion when I needed moral support at an event or for something, not there. You will get to realize that people do share each others trials and tribulations. If they can't be there for big events, where are they daily, with small things? You'll learn so much from this, just takes time. Have myself wished I could fall asleep and wake up a month on down the road. it gets easier, especially when you begin to fill your life with new things that replace the void that's lost, but for the best in the long run.

[CDubs464]

Thank you, and that is a good suggestion, to focus on the qualities my ex had that were not desirable, selfish, or down right cruel. It is easy to remember all the wonderful moments (and there were MANY over the past 3 years). However, recalling those blinds me to a lot of the reality that was the relationship. Thanks much for the suggestion.

[CDubs464]

So I'm almost a full 30 days into NC (a week from today will be 30). All I want to do is shoot my ex a message... and tell him that I miss him so much... that I know he is confused... that I know he must have been having an emotional affair with this other woman at least since last summer... but I hope that when he figures it out... it leads him to realize what we had was so special. It had problems; problems that he wasn't able to address or recognize... he just wasn't ready. However, if he ever feels ready... to please be in touch and let me know because I am still in love with him. I can't see how or why... after all he has done to me. I love myself... I respect myself... it is not a self esteem thing. I just BELIEVE whole heartedly... that after this phase... he will believe with me once more. Not believe in what was but believe in the possibility of something new... and us... two different and more mature people... who have so much love and want to build a life together from a strong, secure, solid foundation. I can't see how I will ever STOP being in love with this man. I'm hurting so much and still crying all the time. NC hasn't helped with the sadness and the depression. It has only made me long for him... wonder about him... wonder about how far things have gone with this other woman... No where yet? Sexual? What does he think? I know it is too soon to tell and if they ARE together, it is honeymoon phase. I know he spent Christmas with her and will be spending New Years with her too. I'm trying not to jump into bed with someone else (as I have done in the past, to the detriment of my happiness and self esteem) in order to bury these feelings of rejection and loneliness but I don't know how many more days I can drift through with this ache in my heart and sadness trailing behind me. I don't know how to let go. I am afraid to let go. Never in my life have I felt such tremendous... emptiness. Trying to stay strong with NC... i'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

[CDubs464]

So I'm almost a full 30 days into NC (a week from today will be 30). (You can read the whole story on my thread entitled "Heartlessly Deserted and in Shock." All I want to do is shoot my ex a message... and tell him that I miss him so much... that I know he is confused... that I know he must have been having an emotional affair with this other woman at least since last summer... but I hope that when he figures it out... it leads him to realize what we had was so special. It had problems; problems that he wasn't able to address or recognize... he just wasn't ready. However, if he ever feels ready... to please be in touch and let me know because I am still in love with him. I can't see how or why... after all he has done to me. I love myself... I respect myself... it is not a self esteem thing. I just BELIEVE whole heartedly... that after this phase... he will believe with me once more. Not believe in what was but believe in the possibility of something new... and us... two different and more mature people... who have so much love and want to build a life together from a strong, secure, solid foundation. I can't see how I will ever STOP being in love with this man. I'm hurting so much and still crying all the time. NC hasn't helped with the sadness and the depression. It has only made me long for him... wonder about him... wonder about how far things have gone with this other woman... No where yet? Sexual? What does he think? I know it is too soon to tell and if they ARE together, it is honeymoon phase. I know he spent Christmas with her and will be spending New Years with her too. I'm trying not to jump into bed with someone else (as I have done in the past, to the detriment of my happiness and self esteem) in order to bury these feelings of rejection and loneliness but I don't know how many more days I can drift through with this ache in my heart and sadness trailing behind me. I don't know how to let go. I am afraid to let go. Never in my life have I felt such tremendous... emptiness. Trying to stay strong with NC... i'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

[Fangorn]

Nope, nope nope nope.

 

Don't do it, you're only going to get yourself hurt. Clearly this chap doesn't value you so why are you devaluing yourself by waiting around for him? Just knock him off of that pedestal and move on, obviously it will take some time but hold onto your dignity at least.

 

Cheating is unforgivable. Go find someone worth your time.

[CaliBabe]

DO NOT DO IT.

 

You will look desparate, needy and dependent on him. That is not attractive. He left you and you go and contact him? NO.

 

You need to put this energy into something else more productive. Do not contact him. If you feel like you might, call a friend, family member or post here.

 

If you want to stand any kind of a remote chance, you need to disappear. Completely.

[pickflicker]

He cheated on you? The dude doesn't deserve a lift to the emergency room if he's bleeding to death, let alone a message.

 

By telling him you're missing him, you're giving him permission to walk all over you again. No, no, no.

[True Gent]

Don't do it! You're only setting yourself up for more pain if you do.

[fixing]

**** that. Seriously, he cheated on you and left you for some other bitch. DO NOT CALL HIM.

 

He is garbage. He does not care about you, evidently so by his behaviour.

 

Stick it out!

[pickflicker]

He cheated on you? The dude doesn't deserve a lift to the emergency room if he's bleeding to death, let alone a message.

 

By telling him you're missing him, you're giving him permission to walk all over you again. No, no, no.

 

My wording is somewhat strong and I would not actually walk past someone in need - but honestly, OP. There are some things that are one strike and out. You're better off alone that with a cheater.

[JesRabbit]

So I'm almost a full 30 days into NC (a week from today will be 30). (You can read the whole story on my thread entitled "Heartlessly Deserted and in Shock." All I want to do is shoot my ex a message... and tell him that I miss him so much... that I know he is confused... that I know he must have been having an emotional affair with this other woman at least since last summer... but I hope that when he figures it out... it leads him to realize what we had was so special. It had problems; problems that he wasn't able to address or recognize... he just wasn't ready. However, if he ever feels ready... to please be in touch and let me know because I am still in love with him. I can't see how or why... after all he has done to me. I love myself... I respect myself... it is not a self esteem thing. I just BELIEVE whole heartedly... that after this phase... he will believe with me once more. Not believe in what was but believe in the possibility of something new... and us... two different and more mature people... who have so much love and want to build a life together from a strong, secure, solid foundation. I can't see how I will ever STOP being in love with this man. I'm hurting so much and still crying all the time. NC hasn't helped with the sadness and the depression. It has only made me long for him... wonder about him... wonder about how far things have gone with this other woman... No where yet? Sexual? What does he think? I know it is too soon to tell and if they ARE together, it is honeymoon phase. I know he spent Christmas with her and will be spending New Years with her too. I'm trying not to jump into bed with someone else (as I have done in the past, to the detriment of my happiness and self esteem) in order to bury these feelings of rejection and loneliness but I don't know how many more days I can drift through with this ache in my heart and sadness trailing behind me. I don't know how to let go. I am afraid to let go. Never in my life have I felt such tremendous... emptiness. Trying to stay strong with NC... i'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

 

 

Stop ASSUMING what he feels and thinks about you because it could be just the exact opposite. He's already moved on with this new woman if he is spending Christmas and New Years with her. That tells u all u need to know right there. You are only setting yourself up for failure. If he was so concerned about you, he wouldn't be spending the holidays with this other woman and trying to keep you around. Don't fall forward hoping for something that may never happen and the odds are against you.

[CDubs464]

He cheated on you? The dude doesn't deserve a lift to the emergency room if he's bleeding to death, let alone a message.

 

By telling him you're missing him, you're giving him permission to walk all over you again. No, no, no.

Hey didn't cheat on my physically... he has had an emotional attachment to a woman who has been a close friend of him and his family since they were in middle school. They had a fling back in high school. He never actually cheated on me with her but called me from across the country to tell me he wasn't coming back because he had feelings for her and needed to see where they went. She told him that she was in love with him. It made him realize he had feelings too. He said he couldn't go through his whole life wondering if she was the person he was suppose to end up with. He didn't even leave me. I told him I couldn't be with someone who had feelings for someone else. He asked me to not make a rash decision and to give him time to feel it out to which I said, "If you need to feel it out and see where it goes then you need to DO that... that includes intimacy, sex, and a whole other slew of stuff that we need to engage in to see if the one we're with is right for us." I told him I cannot wait around while he does that. I ended it.

[pickflicker]

Hey didn't cheat on my physically... he has had an emotional attachment to a woman who has been a close friend of him and his family since they were in middle school. They had a fling back in high school. He never actually cheated on me with her but called me from across the country to tell me he wasn't coming back because he had feelings for her and needed to see where they went. She told him that she was in love with him. It made him realize he had feelings too. He said he couldn't go through his whole life wondering if she was the person he was suppose to end up with. He didn't even leave me. I told him I couldn't be with someone who had feelings for someone else. He asked me to not make a rash decision and to give him time to feel it out to which I said, "If you need to feel it out and see where it goes then you need to DO that... that includes intimacy, sex, and a whole other slew of stuff that we need to engage in to see if the one we're with is right for us." I told him I cannot wait around while he does that. I ended it.

 

What?

 

"Please wait for me whilst I get my dick wet with another girl, if it goes pear-shaped I'll get back to you."

 

Does that make it clearer?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So I'm almost a full 30 days into NC (a week from today will be 30). (You can read the whole story on my thread entitled "Heartlessly Deserted and in Shock." All I want to do is shoot my ex a message... and tell him that I miss him so much... that I know he is confused... that I know he must have been having an emotional affair with this other woman at least since last summer... but I hope that when he figures it out... it leads him to realize what we had was so special. It had problems; problems that he wasn't able to address or recognize... he just wasn't ready. However, if he ever feels ready... to please be in touch and let me know because I am still in love with him. I can't see how or why... after all he has done to me. I love myself... I respect myself... it is not a self esteem thing. I just BELIEVE whole heartedly... that after this phase... he will believe with me once more. Not believe in what was but believe in the possibility of something new... and us... two different and more mature people... who have so much love and want to build a life together from a strong, secure, solid foundation. I can't see how I will ever STOP being in love with this man. I'm hurting so much and still crying all the time. NC hasn't helped with the sadness and the depression. It has only made me long for him... wonder about him... wonder about how far things have gone with this other woman... No where yet? Sexual? What does he think? I know it is too soon to tell and if they ARE together, it is honeymoon phase. I know he spent Christmas with her and will be spending New Years with her too. I'm trying not to jump into bed with someone else (as I have done in the past, to the detriment of my happiness and self esteem) in order to bury these feelings of rejection and loneliness but I don't know how many more days I can drift through with this ache in my heart and sadness trailing behind me. I don't know how to let go. I am afraid to let go. Never in my life have I felt such tremendous... emptiness. Trying to stay strong with NC... i'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

 

Lol confused. Confused enough to sleep with her and spend the holidays with her.

 

No need to text.

[CDubs464]

Nope, nope nope nope.

 

Don't do it, you're only going to get yourself hurt. Clearly this chap doesn't value you so why are you devaluing yourself by waiting around for him? Just knock him off of that pedestal and move on, obviously it will take some time but hold onto your dignity at least.

 

Cheating is unforgivable. Go find someone worth your time.

Thank you for your encouragement to maintain. Any suggestions on how to knock someone off their pedestal? I'd love to kick him down and am embarrassed that for whatever reason... I can't. I've seen his potential (not just imagined it). I know he has realized it and can consistently realize it with self work and effort. I do look at his hurtful and selfish actions and am able to realize that his actions are the real him... but it is still... bizarrely distorted... it must be... why else would i want him back?

[CDubs464]

Lol confused. Confused enough to sleep with her and spend the holidays with her.

 

No need to text.

Yea... I guess considering he decided to stay there with her and be there for her through her diffculties (she just got a DUI and the night she confessed her love to him started the conversation saying she needed him to come and pick her up because she was suicidal) and through the holidays... he doesn't sound confused. When you put it like that it seems like he knew exactly what he wanted and just lied to me, saying he was confused, so that I wouldn't feel so hurt that he didn't give half as much about our relationship as I did. I don't know what hurts more.. the lie... or the truth. Actually, yes I do... definitely the lie.