mike36uk Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Hi all I have met a lady I really really like who is ten years younger than me. We met Online and well if you read the e mail you sent me today, which I have copied below you will see how she is thinking. We have loads in common. We only started talking in December and have met twice now and lst weekend I spent with her and we were intimate. I am not sure what to do about this situation, I just feel we should be having fun and not analysing everything. What do you guys make of this, I am going see her tomorrow. Thanks all..here is body of e mail... Thank you for all the emails, and I’m sorry that I’ve not had time to send you any in response. I’ve been feeling increasingly uneasy over the last few days, and it’s been horrible having to put the problems I’m having to the back of my mind and concentrate on work. Maybe, however, it has given my thoughts time to settle enough to a point that I can articulate them. I’ve been feeling weird since we met, and have tried to talk to you about it on a couple of occasions, but don’t think I got very far. I like so many things about you, and enjoy your company immensely, and particularly respect you for the way you practice what you preach in life, but what is commonly referred to as the ‘x-factor’, the feeling of physical compatibility, which you can only tell when you meet someone in person, is just not there for me at the moment. As you may recall, I was scared before we met that this might happen. Before we met, I was increasingly feeling that I was indulging in a romantic fantasy with in effect, a complete stranger, and I began to feel uneasy, as real life rarely works like that; but against my better judgement, I continued; the fact that we have so much in common in life made me want to believe that it was all just going to fall into place, despite past experience telling me that the x-factor only occurs very rarely for me. The thing I’ve been trying to work out for quite a long time now (since way before I met you) is whether the x-factor is something which either a) occurs instantly or not at all, or b) can grow over time depending on how you grow to feel about someone. I don’t have the answer to this at the moment. I am having several problems with exploring that question in the context of you and me. Firstly, the way we were talking before we met made us both expect it all just to fall into place, so it was a real shock when it didn’t, and I didn’t quite know what to do. Second, I’ve found it really difficult to talk to you about it, because we’ve got ourselves into this intimate situation really quickly, without any firm basis of getting to know each other as people, and when I came to try to talk I realised that we don’t really know each other at all and I didn't know how to, as I would with someone I'd known for ages. All this was made harder by the fact that you seemed so happy, and it’s hard to knock someone’s happiness, and by the fact that you seem to have this total optimism; you don’t really seem to want to think about the fact I’m having doubts. I can’t ignore this though, because every time I hear you talking about feeling electricity, and whenever you send me poems, I feel sad, and incredibly guilty, rather than happy. There’s no point feeling unhappy; life is too short. I think the main mistake I’ve made is to rush into doing things physically with you when I have such doubts in my mind. I shouldn’t have, and I’d like to say sorry – doing so wasn’t fair on you, or on me, because whilst I enjoyed it physically, I felt emotionally detached, and this made me feel terrible when I thought about it later on, particularly as you clearly felt the opposite. It’s a vicious circle too, as the more I spend my time feeling guilty and upset, the less likely I am to actually be able to learn about you and to work out how I feel; I’m just like a deer in headlights at the moment. So where does this leave us? I hate to have had to send this email; I’ve been putting it off all day. The only constructive thing I can suggest is that if you still want to visit, we should lay off the physical side of things, and just talk a lot, actually just get to know each other as people, and see where that leads us, if anywhere. However, if you feel that backtracking away from the physical side of things will be too difficult after starting down that road, I suggest a period of reflection before we meet in person again. Lastly, if you’re of the school of thought that things should be instantaneous if they are ever to happen at all, and think I’m a lost cause, then I will understand. I forgot to tell you that I’m going out to a book club meeting tonight; I’ll be leaving about 8pm. As you might want to have a think and digest the above before speaking I’ll leave it to you to phone me, either before I go out, or when I get back. If you want to speak to me late-ish tonight when I get back, email me to say so and I’ll call you when you get in. Alternatively, if you want to reply by email, or just wait and talk in person tomorrow, that’s fine – just give me a quick email and tell me that you got this. Take care and speak to you soon,
Hund1976 Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Well I would back off for the time being, if you've only known her a few weeks and she's writing these psychological novels to you that's a little strange to me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Here is what is at the root of it once you strip the psychobabble out: the feeling of physical compatibility ... is just not there for me at the moment. we should lay off the physical side of things Basically she used a lot of words to tell you that she is not physically attracted to you despite the fact that she slept with you and doesn't want to have sex with you again. The rest of it was to soften the blow. Sounds like you are heading for 'friend country', unfortunately.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 OK well she is being really honest and speaking from her heart. She sounds confused, not sure of what is really going on in general. Give her the respect back and reply to her message. Just let her know you got the email but you definately need more time to read it afew more times and then let it sink in. To me it sounds like she is leaving the door open abit but is not ready to jump in with both feet. Things moved too fast and too intensely...So I would give it some time, see eachother, do lunches, coffee, walks etc...Talk, get to really know eachother. She sounds like a nice open woman. If you do like her and see some potiental I guess only you can decide if she is worth it or not? Again, I think it just sounds like she is abit freaked about how fast it all came about. Good luck and keep posting!
Recommended Posts