polynomial Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Having all these reasons pop into my mind of how I failed and why our relantionship failed. Can't shake the if-only-ive-acted-differently feeling. *sigh* I wish new years was over already and things went back to normal routine so I wouldn't mope around all day..
Peter55 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I don't have an answer but I am dealing with the same thing. When she broke up with me she didn't have one real reason to break up. She blamed me for dumb things that didn't make any sense. She told me all these problems that we could potentially have in the future. I still don't know what it was except that she didn't want it any longer. Since the break up though all I do is question myself. Was I not good enough. Am I not in good enough shape. Did I not try hard enough. Should I have spent more time/less time with her. Was I needy. I also feel guilty because she blames me. I really feel guilt. But I don't why. It sucks!! Any advice?
Fangorn Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 You have to realise that they problem is with them, not with you, whoever hurt you wasn't strong enough to try and deal with problems, instead they just cut and run. I say **** that. Accept that you may have made some mistakes, everyone does but it is not your fault the other person left, that was because of their problems. Being dumped is difficult but being thrown in the deep end allows us to address ourselves and work on our mistakes. You'll become a much better and stronger person because of this you just have to believe in your self. 3
Peter55 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 That's exactly what they did. They ran away. She is a coward! Instead of actually sitting down and having a conversation about what she was struggling with she chose to run! All she did was berate the relationship. And when she left she said she loved me so much, more than a friend but she just couldn't do it. Who does that? I told her don't tell me that and then break up with me. My ex was a coward! But she really broke my heart!!! I can't wait to move on but is so hard! It will make me stronger I hope.
Fangorn Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Peter, moving on is not something that magically one day happens, it is a long drawn out and frankly painful process. Heck, I'm still at the very beginning of it and I'm already stronger now than I ever was! We simply have to accept that all we can do now, all we have control over is ourselves and so all we can do is become the best version of ourselves we can. Grieve the loss, it's incredibly difficult and I think one of the hardest things a human has to endure but accept that it is over and start working on all that you have left, you. I'm devestated by my break up but now I can do all the things I wanted but didn't to keep my ex happy. In fact I'm actually pretty glad we've broken up, now that I know she cheated and left me for someone else I can stop worrying about her cheating and leaving for someone else, now I can go sailing like I wanted, go and fight (in a gym of course) and flirt with the barista at my local Starbucks. Eventually I'm going to be ready to date again and find an incredible girl who is decent enough to respect me and not use me and fully loves me in the same way that I love her. 1
Elias33 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 While it's healthy to place responsibility on yourself, placing blame is such a waste of time. It really is. Blame is what worry is for the future, senseless. It will help you to move on if you consider this. We make mistakes, learn from them, and move on. Good luck in the new year!
TxJD79 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I don't have an answer but I am dealing with the same thing. When she broke up with me she didn't have one real reason to break up. She blamed me for dumb things that didn't make any sense. She told me all these problems that we could potentially have in the future. I still don't know what it was except that she didn't want it any longer. Since the break up though all I do is question myself. Was I not good enough. Am I not in good enough shape. Did I not try hard enough. Should I have spent more time/less time with her. Was I needy. I also feel guilty because she blames me. I really feel guilt. But I don't why. It sucks!! Any advice? I'm right there with you. During our relationship, my ex never criticized me or blamed me for anything. He'd always say he let things roll off is back. but during the breakup conversation, he came up with 2 issues that he even admitted he'd never talked to me about. And he wasnt mean or angry or outright blaming me. But instead of saying oh it's not you it's me...it very much felt like i was being told i was the problem.
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 You are who you are. You make mistakes like all of us. Like him. But, he was too much of a lazy p*ssy to communicate to you. Easier to just drop the whole thing. Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Same as my ex did to me. Learn and move on.
Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I think that's truly the hardest part of a breakup. It is for me anyway. The self blame and self doubt and the guilt are so hard to deal with. Really the only thing that works is time passing. Each day you will realize that you are no way solely to blame for the problems you had.
TxJD79 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Either that, or, in my case, i tell myself, even if i was to blame, if we were meant to be together, and if we had a strong base to our relationship, he'll come back for a second chance. If not, then it's out of my hands. Sooooooo much easier said than done. 1
mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I blame myself too. A disagreement about kids was the major catalyst for the breakup. And after the breakup, I realized that we wanted the same thing, but for her it was too late. Before I realized I wanted kids too, I was horrible to her for breaking up with me, and she moved on. Looking back, I know it was not all my fault, she was not a very good communicator, but I really believe if I had not been such a coward and confronted sooner one of the major questions of life "do I want to have kids or not?", we would still be together and be great for each other. I forget this myself sometimes, but when I do remember it, it makes a difference: No matter whose fault it was, my life is not over, and if I choose to, the world can be a better place with me than without me. I still wonder if I am ever going to love someone and be as happy with someone as I was with her. But, and yes I forget this too, I won't know unless I really try to be the best that I can be.
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 No matter how much you think specific things you did or didn't do are the reason for your split, you are most likely incorrect. There are many, many things at play. Most of which you had little or no control over. Just my $.02 2
Author polynomial Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Was me being frustrated that my ex never had time for me (he's a serious workaholic) as justified as him being sometimes frustrated that I did not want to have sex as often? (Mostly it was me not wanting to go for another round, altho imo we did have sex very often). I just feel so guilty lately.. Maybe he left because of that reason? Although he's been a workaholic all his life and since the beginning of our R didn't have any time.. I still can't shake the thought that the sex thing maybe bothered him.. I dunno.. I'm just scared I'll never find anyone who'd be content with their sex life with me .. Why am I feeling like this? I know, rationally, I had every right to be upset at him not having time for me either, was I??
carhill Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Why am I feeling like this? I know, rationally, I had every right to be upset at him not having time for me either, was I?? To me, having gone through some of it from my M and D, it's normal. You're trying to process and resolve emotions, ostensibly through some form of 'accounting'. What I did was accept that the books are never 'balanced' and that's OK. If what is works, it does. If it doesn't, move on. In your case, you felt ignored or abandoned emotionally for much, if not all of your relationship. I can identify with some of that. Own it. It's OK. Then take that really good information and incorporate it into your future relations. Pay attention to the canaries and, if they start choking, no need for fanfare. Just get out of the mine ASAP. What was is what was. It is over. Part of the coping and moving on process is accepting it. Another part is sincerely grieving the loss of who one was when they loved. That's gone too, at least specific to that relationship or marriage. One will love again, overwhelmingly, and with a new person in a new and unique manner. Good luck.
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 If you were having sex often, I don't see why you would need to feel bad about it. He didn't show you enough attention, yet you were still sexually active. My ex had sex with me a few times a year, now that's what I call an issue.
Author polynomial Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 If you were having sex often, I don't see why you would need to feel bad about it. He didn't show you enough attention, yet you were still sexually active. My ex had sex with me a few times a year, now that's what I call an issue. I just feel like I shouldn't have said no to him when he wanted more eventhough I had sex with him earlier that day or smth. This past half year I was having back pain as well and didn't enjoy sex that much and I maybe he felt like he had to beg me too much btw I'm crying as I write this I just feel so guilty..
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I just feel like I shouldn't have said no to him when he wanted more eventhough I had sex with him earlier that day or smth. This past half year I was having back pain as well and didn't enjoy sex that much and I maybe he felt like he had to beg me too much btw I'm crying as I write this I just feel so guilty.. Honestly going from what you're saying I don't think you need to beat yourself up over this. You gave what you could and it sounds like you put effort in. Like I say my ex didn't give a damn about me in bed. You did give a damn.
Author polynomial Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Honestly going from what you're saying I don't think you need to beat yourself up over this. You gave what you could and it sounds like you put effort in. Like I say my ex didn't give a damn about me in bed. You did give a damn. Firstly, I am sorry about your ex. Having sex only couple of time a year is unreasonable. However, maybe my ex felt like I wasn't giving a damn though? He had said that couple of things bothered him, like the fact that I didn't make loud noises or never initiated (this was my first sexual experience, I learned everything from him and I guess I never learned to initiate.. ). & he would always say that he would do anything for me but often he would have to beg (like when I said my back ached he would start begging and make me feel guilty :S) I'm just trying to justify it with the fact that he rarely had time for me and maybe all of my needs weren't met either. But it doesn't help, I still can't shake the guilt.. I dont know, I'm a mess overthinking this..
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