I got closure..and I'm hurting

[I'mNotYours]

As some of you know I was having a hard time during the Christmas days. We have been NC for 4 months (he ended it to work on his marriage) at that point and I had been feeling ok for some time, but of course missed him and Christmas made me think about him and how he's probably having a good time with his family.

 

And suddenly I couldn't control myself and I wrote him an e-mail. Just how he's doing etc. He replied and we had a long conversation about his life, my life and us. Fact is that his marriage isn't back on track and a lot of things are wrong in his life. All the writing made me miss him so much, which I also told him. But then he replied with a long e-mail...that he can't go on hurting me anymore and he's still confused about his marriage and us and he can't hold me back. I accepted and wrote back that I'm letting him go.

 

I have cried since then. For me it's closure and I'm not sure it was a good idea to get it. I still care about him, but now I HAVE to move on. I can't imagine us ever be together, and it hurts.

 

Please be gentle with me. I'm feeling terrible right now

[soundsfamilar]

hi… i'm so sorry for your pain. i know exactly how it feels. my MM wanted to "stay in touch" after he ended it to work on his marriage, and i went NC simply because i couldn't bear the thought of wanting more than he does and writing small-talkey stuff, while all i want to do is reconnect. i'm still in no contact, but it's hard. don't beat yourself up for reconnecting with him… it may be easier now to let go. it sounds like he's in pain as well, which is not the worst thing to know in a situation like yours. he's probably in counseling and needs to be out of touch with you. doesn't mean he doesn't still have feelings. but even if he does, you deserve more than that. chin up! it will get better, i am sure...

[Elias33]

You did a very brave thing, not only for you, but for the other person. It is hard to feel good about it now, but at some time you will. There is nothing wrong with keeping a special place in your heart for that person and try to be grateful for having had this person in your life to begin with.

 

You now will start over with a clean slate, possibly going through all the grieving stages- and allow yourself to go through it. In the end you will come out stronger and renewed. You are not alone in this, we have all been there and can feel with you. I sure do. I have in my heart a place for several special people I have lost along the way. But I found hope, and gratefulness that I have had the chance to be with those people.

 

But for now, good luck in your journey, you are not alone. Take your time to heal. You are down right now, but remember, there is only one direction you can go from being down, and that is up.

[I'mNotYours]

hi… i'm so sorry for your pain. i know exactly how it feels. my MM wanted to "stay in touch" after he ended it to work on his marriage, and i went NC simply because i couldn't bear the thought of wanting more than he does and writing small-talkey stuff, while all i want to do is reconnect. i'm still in no contact, but it's hard. don't beat yourself up for reconnecting with him… it may be easier now to let go. it sounds like he's in pain as well, which is not the worst thing to know in a situation like yours. he's probably in counseling and needs to be out of touch with you. doesn't mean he doesn't still have feelings. but even if he does, you deserve more than that. chin up! it will get better, i am sure...

 

Thanks

 

I wanted to stay in touch, but he wouldn't. It is of course the right thing to do, but I hurt me..especially when I'm reading about other OWs in here, where the MMs keep contacting them. Mine just went away.

 

I know he's hurting and that gives me some kind of comfort, but I think he will get to the other side and have a good marriage again while I'm still single.

 

I know I have to move on, but I can't. I don't even know if I want to. Because then I would have to give up on the dream of us. It felt so right, it should have been us, but that's not going to happen.

[soundsfamilar]

my MM wanted to stay in touch by exchanging small talk. believe me, that is not better than when they don't contact you at all. it's a slap in the face. and then you're left with debating if you should even answer. ugh.

 

you will move on, i know you will. i know it felt right, i know that feeling, but if it were right, then you would be together. maybe one day that will happen, who knows (i have my doubts about his marriage being all that fabulous again, it is really hard to do). but you can't live your life on that hope and all the other variables that would need to fall into place.

 

for now, just try and get through the first few days and remind yourself, constantly, that his choice was not you. i know it hurts, but it helped me regain my pride. know what i mean?

[psm04]

Thanks

 

I know he's hurting and that gives me some kind of comfort, but I think he will get to the other side and have a good marriage again while I'm still single.

 

I know I have to move on, but I can't. I don't even know if I want to. Because then I would have to give up on the dream of us. It felt so right, it should have been us, but that's not going to happen.

 

I wouldn't think too much about him going back to his good marriage. Chances are, things aren't going to be all great in their marriage just like that. It will require a lot of work in order to make things great again. If he hasn't divulged the A to his W, that's a huge disconnect between them. You are actually in a better spot since you are single. For those of us who are married and participated in an A, we know what we are going back to. We don't have the option to find someone else again, unless we get divorced, or have another A. And most of us won't do either one because it's just too painful. And as much as I love my H and want to stay married to him, I will not experience the connection I had with my xAP with him. I'd like to think that my xAP feels the same way, although his recent actions leave me thinking that he never really cared enough, and now wants to run away and be the perfect husband that his W probably thinks he is. That's a topic for another thread!

 

I hope you feel better. Sending hugs your way. Keep venting here.

[violet1]

Thanks

 

I wanted to stay in touch, but he wouldn't. It is of course the right thing to do, but I hurt me..especially when I'm reading about other OWs in here, where the MMs keep contacting them. Mine just went away.

 

I know he's hurting and that gives me some kind of comfort, but I think he will get to the other side and have a good marriage again while I'm still single.

 

I know I have to move on, but I can't. I don't even know if I want to. Because then I would have to give up on the dream of us. It felt so right, it should have been us, but that's not going to happen.

 

Love is blind sweetie. You need to move on so you can heal. I know it's hard, but time heals everything. Unfortunately, this man can't be what you need and want in your life. Let him go, you will survive. I can guarantee you will be the one coming out of this smelling like roses and he'll still be in limbo land in his marriage. I'd prefer to be in your shoes than his any day. In fact, I am in his shoes and it sucks. I'm trying to figure out the best way to end my M and it's very confusing.

 

Him not wanting to keep in touch is a blessing in disguise. I think once the pain clears (and it will) you'll see it that way too. Keep yourself busy. Go out with family, friends, the gym, or develop a new hobby. If you're feeling depressed, force yourself out of bed every day. Do things for yourself that make you feel good. You can do this!!

 

(((Hugs to you!)))

[whichwayisup]

As painful as it was, to get this final closure, now you can really begin your grieving, letting go and healing process. It'll take some time but you will be okay. You have four months of NC under your belt so there's starting ground of foundation. Build up on that. You can do it! Well, you have no choice but to move on. Please don't try to hang onto hope. He set you free and with that you ARE free! Free of that roller coaster ride, free of not knowing wtf is gonna happen next.

 

Let yourself cry it out and cry some more... But soon, pick yourself up, call some friends, reach out and GO out. Even if you don't want to, laughter and being around positive and happy friends will make you feel better. Make sure they know how you're feeling and let them help you through this.

 

Hugs and be good to yourself...Meaning, NO beating up on yourself at all, no coulda, shoulda, woulda, if only I'd done this or that things would be different. Accept reality, push yourself hard to work through this so the pain will go away, then you can live your life happily again.

[Cocochai]

I have a feeling he'll reach out to you again but it's up to you on how you want to handle things for your own sake.

 

He wants to work on his M but at the same time, wants you in his world. Think about your own happiness.

[I'mNotYours]

Thank you all for replies

 

After crying the whole night I woke up ok or at least a little bit better today. But I have been thinking about his goodbye-letter and two things bother me:

 

1) That he asks me to move on. I interpretate it as he can't see a future for us and wants me to find someone new and forget the dream about us. That hurts.

 

2) The main point of the letter is him not wanting to hurt me anymore. Of course this is very honorable and loving, but at the same time I can't help thinking..what about his wife? He's hurting her too (or is he? She doesn't know about the A), but of course he must know that it's not right to have an A, but he's not leaving her, but me. So maybe it's just an excuse to get rid of me in a nice way?

[vanellope]

be strong and don't cry, I am in the same process but the differnece is he still want me back to him, but anyway I keep my NC, becasue it's really no sense to contact him anymore.

 

Thank you all for replies

 

After crying the whole night I woke up ok or at least a little bit better today. But I have been thinking about his goodbye-letter and two things bother me:

 

1) That he asks me to move on. I interpretate it as he can't see a future for us and wants me to find someone new and forget the dream about us. That hurts.

 

yes. he don't want to divorce so you and this MM don't have future.

 

I am not sure he want you can find someone new or not, but anyway it's not his business. I wish you can find a good man who care you and you love in future.

 

you don't have dream any more, forget this MM as soon as possible so you don't miss too much chance to meet your man.

 

2) The main point of the letter is him not wanting to hurt me anymore. Of course this is very honorable and loving, but at the same time I can't help thinking..what about his wife? He's hurting her too (or is he? She doesn't know about the A), but of course he must know that it's not right to have an A, but he's not leaving her, but me. So maybe it's just an excuse to get rid of me in a nice way?

 

he did hurt both you and his wife in this situation,

but finally he choose his wife, becasue he think it's the better choice for him, no matter it's becasue he love his wife more, or he care his family or reputation more, or becasue any any any other different reasons, the result is he choose his wife for his own sake.

 

stop contacting this person, he might sometimes feel "weak" and contacting you for sex or attension, don't be soft by the sweet talking, it's pointless sweet talking becasue the fact is he choose his wife, you are not his family, your future is good or not good is not his business and he won't care. find your love and make your life brilliant without this MM.

 

i was trap in this situaion in long time too, becasue I thought this person love me very much. you should ask yourself why you love this MM,

becasue handsome? rich? humor? smart ? there are many this kind of single man in the world. I know the reason is becasue you feel he love you very much, but see the reality now what he do to you, he don't love you very much, you are not his one, when you realize it you will find out actually he is really not deserve your love.

 

you will find out you are stronger than you think and finally you will just see this MM is so normal, nothing special, don't waste your tears.

 

hug.

Edited December 31, 2013 by vanellope

[Cocochai]

be strong and don't cry, I am in the same process but the differnece is he still want me back to him, but anyway I keep my NC, becasue it's really no sense to contact him anymore.

 

 

 

yes. he don't want to divorce so you and this MM don't have future.

 

I am not sure he want you can find someone new or not, but anyway it's not his business. I wish you can find a good man who care you and you love in future.

 

you don't have dream any more, forget this MM as soon as possible so you don't miss too much chance to meet your man.

 

 

 

he did hurt both you and his wife in this situation,

but finally he choose his wife, becasue he think it's the better choice for him, no matter it's becasue he love his wife more, or he care his family or reputation more, or becasue any any any other different reasons, the result is he choose his wife for his own sake.

 

stop contacting this person , he might sometimes feel "weak" and contacting you for sex or attension, don't be soft by the sweet talking, it's pointless sweet talking becasue the fact is he choose his wife, you are not his family, your future is good or not good is not his business and he won't care. find your love and make your life brilliant without this MM.

 

i was trap in this situaion in long time too, becasue I thought this person love me very much. you should ask yourself why you love this MM,

becasue handsome? rich? humor? smart ? there are many this kind of single man in the world. I know the reason is becasue you feel he love you very much, but see the reality now what he do to you, he don't love you very much, you are not his one, when you realize it you will find out actually he is really not deserve your love.

 

you will find out you are stronger than you think and finally you will just see this MM is so normal, nothing special, don't waste your tears.

 

hug.

 

This is same thing I also had to come to terms with. The reaching out is only for the attention and sex... Not to change and show who he truly loves in my case.

[I'mNotYours]

This is same thing I also had to come to terms with. The reaching out is only for the attention and sex... Not to change and show who he truly loves in my case.

 

In this case he didn't want to meet again. I asked, but he said it would only hurt us.

[Cocochai]

In this case he didn't want to meet again. I asked' date=' but he said it would only hurt us.[/quote']

 

Mines has never said that directly to me but his actions show it.

 

It hurts, YES, is it better for the long run... YES. He's being honest that he doesn't want to hurt you anymore. Which shows he's no longer only thinking about his own needs.

 

Put your needs and wants first. Don't let the first guy you meet come into your life to get over thus hurt like I did when mines went NC on me months ago. You'll end up hurting the guy who truly wants to be with you because your feelings are still strong for the MM.

 

Let your self heal for as long as it will take! You were fine before thus MM came into your world and you'll be even better without him.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all for replies

 

After crying the whole night I woke up ok or at least a little bit better today. But I have been thinking about his goodbye-letter and two things bother me:

 

1) That he asks me to move on. I interpretate it as he can't see a future for us and wants me to find someone new and forget the dream about us. That hurts.

This ended as respectfully as it could have. He knows he can't be with you, he is married and doesn't have it in him to start over, leave behind the comforts of his life, his wife, in laws, extended family etc.. Also means that his marriage wasn't half as bad as he may have claimed it to be at one point, if it was bad enough, and he was really not wanting to be married, he'd divorce. Not saying that to make you feel worse, it's just that he (and you) both know that the A couldn't go on anymore. Just hurt too much on both sides.

 

2) The main point of the letter is him not wanting to hurt me anymore. Of course this is very honorable and loving, but at the same time I can't help thinking..what about his wife? He's hurting her too (or is he? She doesn't know about the A), but of course he must know that it's not right to have an A, but he's not leaving her, but me. So maybe it's just an excuse to get rid of me in a nice way?

 

He is hurting her, she just isn't aware of what he's done behind her back.

 

The thing is, he has obligations to his wife and family, he isn't obligated to you. Tough to read but it's the truth of it all.

 

He isn't getting rid of you to punish you or hurt you on purpose. Affairs have an ending date, they don't last forever. A's are painful no matter how they end, so at least he has given you some closure and is wishing you well. It didn't get nasty, he hasn't been cruel to you like some MM on here have treated their OW at the end.

 

Take care of you now and take each day as it comes, hope for good and positive days.

[WrinkledForehead]

Thank you all for replies

 

After crying the whole night I woke up ok or at least a little bit better today. But I have been thinking about his goodbye-letter and two things bother me:

 

1) That he asks me to move on. I interpretate it as he can't see a future for us and wants me to find someone new and forget the dream about us. That hurts.

 

2) The main point of the letter is him not wanting to hurt me anymore. Of course this is very honorable and loving, but at the same time I can't help thinking..what about his wife? He's hurting her too (or is he? She doesn't know about the A), but of course he must know that it's not right to have an A, but he's not leaving her, but me. So maybe it's just an excuse to get rid of me in a nice way?

 

May I suggest that your interpretation isn't accurate? It sounds so defeatist to me~I'd like to give you a hug and a cup of tea right now.

 

Yes, you need to move on and forget the dream. He states he doesn't want to hurt you, and unless the man is a complete sociopath, that's likely true. And you've been hurting this whole time, no? Try to look at this as a release from that pain, and not a rejection.

 

You're not unwanted or unloved. The beautiful thing about being free from the trap of an affair is that you'll be able to see that. If you've disconnected from family and friends, find those connections again. They will remind you that you are so very wanted and loved and cared for. Beyond that, continue to seek and participate in activities that restore your sense of self. Make yourself feel damn good because you ARE worth it and there ARE people who know this truth.

 

Now for the second part: the pain for everyone has to end. Yes, his wife is his chosen priority right now. But everyone is feeling this on some level, even if the isn't aware. This isn't merely an excuse to get rid of you.

 

And that's actually something I had to remember. I felt like a priority in my CM's life and he reminded me periodically that she was the first commitment. Their relationship came along before I did. It's not just a nice way to reject you--he is a married man with a home to protect. As vanellope said, it could be him protecting his image or reputation or any variety of things.

 

You are not less of a person than his wife. You have no less value than she does. You matter. It's the timing and the situation that were wrong. Look at the closure as him rejecting the lies, the secrecy, the hurt everyone is feeling. Its a push-away of the stress of the triangle relationship.

 

Release the self-deprecation and find your inner happy places. You can do this.

[I'mNotYours]

May I suggest that your interpretation isn't accurate? It sounds so defeatist to me~I'd like to give you a hug and a cup of tea right now.

 

Yes, you need to move on and forget the dream. He states he doesn't want to hurt you, and unless the man is a complete sociopath, that's likely true. And you've been hurting this whole time, no? Try to look at this as a release from that pain, and not a rejection.

 

You're not unwanted or unloved. The beautiful thing about being free from the trap of an affair is that you'll be able to see that. If you've disconnected from family and friends, find those connections again. They will remind you that you are so very wanted and loved and cared for. Beyond that, continue to seek and participate in activities that restore your sense of self. Make yourself feel damn good because you ARE worth it and there ARE people who know this truth.

 

Now for the second part: the pain for everyone has to end. Yes, his wife is his chosen priority right now. But everyone is feeling this on some level, even if the isn't aware. This isn't merely an excuse to get rid of you.

 

And that's actually something I had to remember. I felt like a priority in my CM's life and he reminded me periodically that she was the first commitment. Their relationship came along before I did. It's not just a nice way to reject you--he is a married man with a home to protect. As vanellope said, it could be him protecting his image or reputation or any variety of things.

 

You are not less of a person than his wife. You have no less value than she does. You matter. It's the timing and the situation that were wrong. Look at the closure as him rejecting the lies, the secrecy, the hurt everyone is feeling. Its a push-away of the stress of the triangle relationship.

 

Release the self-deprecation and find your inner happy places. You can do this.

 

I love this post. Thank you so much

[WrinkledForehead]

I love this post. Thank you so much

 

you are so very welcome. We're here for you!

[I'mNotYours]

I have been numb since this happened. Numb, but crying a lot. It's SO hard for me to let go of the hope. I SO wanted it to have a happy ending. I don't want to contact him, because I'm well aware that we can't be together, so actually it's easy to stay NC, but I'm scared that the only thing that's keeping me up is the hope.

 

It's like I can't and don't want to go through the "letting go"-proces. I can't accept the fact that he's not the man I'm going to marry and he won't be the father of my children.

 

I actually talked with a guy at the New Year's party I was to, and he got my number. We texted a bit on Thursday, but he hasn't replied to my last text. That makes me even more sad. I'm not at all ready to be involved with someone new, so it's ok for that part, but I really neeeded to feel some interest from a man. And then I think..what if it's karma? What if I won't be able to find a man, because I have been an OW? I know it's silly, but still..

[Snipercatt]

It isn't karma. Single guys have the luxury of time.

[I'mNotYours]

I think I need to allow myself to grieve. To actually let go of him and the wishes for a future that won't be. It's so hard and I'm in so much pain right now. Much worse than the first time it ended..

[beach]

Thanks

 

I wanted to stay in touch, but he wouldn't. It is of course the right thing to do, but I hurt me..especially when I'm reading about other OWs in here, where the MMs keep contacting them. Mine just went away.

 

I know he's hurting and that gives me some kind of comfort, but I think he will get to the other side and have a good marriage again while I'm still single.

 

I know I have to move on, but I can't. I don't even know if I want to. Because then I would have to give up on the dream of us. It felt so right, it should have been us, but that's not going to happen.

 

Often, doing what is right is painful - but makes us proud of accomplishing things we didn't think possible! Stay strong - stay busy with things that interest you!

[I'mNotYours]

Often, doing what is right is painful - but makes us proud of accomplishing things we didn't think possible! Stay strong - stay busy with things that interest you!

 

I'm trying, but I have no energy and I feel dead inside. It's like all life got sucked out of me, when he ended it. There's no spark in my eyes and I can't feel happy about anything.

Edited January 5, 2014 by I'mNotYours

[soundsfamilar]

i know how that feels.

[Cocochai]

I have been numb since this happened. Numb, but crying a lot. It's SO hard for me to let go of the hope. I SO wanted it to have a happy ending. I don't want to contact him, because I'm well aware that we can't be together, so actually it's easy to stay NC, but I'm scared that the only thing that's keeping me up is the hope.

 

It's like I can't and don't want to go through the "letting go"-proces. I can't accept the fact that he's not the man I'm going to marry and he won't be the father of my children.

 

I actually talked with a guy at the New Year's party I was to, and he got my number. We texted a bit on Thursday, but he hasn't replied to my last text. That makes me even more sad. I'm not at all ready to be involved with someone new, so it's ok for that part, but I really neeeded to feel some interest from a man. And then I think..what if it's karma? What if I won't be able to find a man, because I have been an OW? I know it's silly, but still..

 

Please, I repeat, please don't jump into a relationship only because you miss the XMM and want to feel desired again. You are still desirable, beautiful, and will find someone who treats you right. Heal first, make new FRIENDS and reconnect w/ old ones.