I feel like a basketcase

[justadudehere]

I am so damn down today; I know there will be good and bad days. NC since Dec 12th. It wasn’t a break up but a final straw for me.

 

We broke up at the beginning in 2012, she had been distant for a very long time and I had told her I felt that ever since 2011. I caught her in a lie and in my mind she cheated or was doing something she didn’t want me to know. I went through the crying and losing weight like I did with my divorce many years ago. One thing I didn’t do was beg; I told her I wanted to work things out but left the ball in her court.

 

Fast forward to the end of 2012 after a death in the family, I finally told her I couldn’t hold on anymore that I needed to let go and work on healing myself. The very same night she’s all crying and wanting to work things out.

 

I thought we were trying but things were never the same as prior to 2011 and I had problems with her explanations of the things that led up to the break up.

 

She gave me the ring back but we continue to see each other once a week or week and a half and talked every day. But I never could trust her, too much damage done and her not willing to try to repair it.

 

I am mad at her for lying to me, I am mad at myself for even trying to go back with her. I was blinded by heart ache at the time. I know now it was too soon after my marriage ended when I got involved with her. Today if I were approached by a woman who was divorced three times, I would politely run like hell and never look back.

 

I don’t want her back, I would never trust her and I don’t think we were that compatible to begin with. I guess it was comfort at a time when I needed it and the experience of new things with her that I held onto.

 

Sorry for the long post, just needed to get what I am feeling out. It’s not so easy for us guys when it comes to these kinds of things.

More angry than anything that I wasted so much time.

 

I have felt alone for about 3 years now, it died long ago so why am I so sad?

Edited December 30, 2013 by justadudehere

[k10k]

I have felt alone for about 3 years now, it died long ago so why am I so sad?

 

Perhaps because you've still been holding on in some way.. for all this time?

It does sound like you're getting some perspective on things though.. so that's a good step!

 

I don’t want her back, I would never trust her and I don’t think we were that compatible to begin with. I guess it was comfort at a time when I needed it and the experience of new things with her that I held onto.

[justadudehere]

Perhaps because you've still been holding on in some way.. for all this time?

It does sound like you're getting some perspective on things though.. so that's a good step!

 

I did hold on for a long time. The last 3 months or so I have been doing some deep thinking. Now I look back at the signs I ignored. I was holding onto the hope that things would go back to where they were for the first few years.

 

I feel stupid, I should've known this woman was incapable of having a healthy long term relationship.

[k10k]

Yip, sometimes it's the "idea of the relationship" that we hold onto. And we can only see the truth when we're ready to.. so don't be too hard on yourself... Remember that you're actually much wiser and stronger now than you were before!