agawaj Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 My bf and I have been together for a year and a half. We live together, are in our mid thirties and want to start a family soon (we aren't big believers in marriage). One night when we were making out with the intention that it would lead to sex, I was trying to be all romantic and was tenderly touching his face. He ended up getting mad at me and said "what the f$@& are you doing?" And I said I was just trying to be romantic or something like that...and then he said "I just want f$&@" which really hurt me. I felt like some slut he picked up at a bar. I get that guys are not as emotional with sex as women are, but what he said made me feel like crap. I also find when we cuddle etc, it seems like I am cuddling with him but he's just lying there (I may have my arms around him and be snuggled up Beside him, but he doesn't put his arms around me. I have asked him about his lack of affection and never answers me...he just says I am not affectionate towards him which is not true at all (that tends to be the way he argues). The other thing is-he was sexually abused as a child. I've tried to talk to him about it. I've tried to ask him if me cuddling with him is hard for him...he just shuts me out. So I do to know. If we were just dating and he said that I would think he doesn't really see a future with me and that it's really just interested in sex. But we live together And are planning a future together. I feel like an idiot even writing about this. But I just don't get him sometimes. He says he loves me, but he never really shows it.
dichotomy Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Neither being a man, nor sexually abused as child, should be a reason for someone not being affectionate along with sex - at least not in my view. I like to be this way most times, but also like it hot and rough sometimes. I Some men.... and some women... just want sex, and can be cold. My first wife was not a hugging or cuddle type.
dichotomy Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 He says he loves me, but he never really shows it. Really never? However some men (and women) show love in different ways - different "languages". He does not do things or provide things for you or support you in your life - in a way that is different than he does for others? You don't know how he loves you?
Silly_Girl Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 If you genuinely don't see loving actions from this man - sorry if this sounds harsh - why are you with him? Is he showing *his* brand of love? I'd rather be shown love than told love 100 times out of 100. 2
pteromom Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I was trying to be all romantic and was tenderly touching his face. He ended up getting mad at me and said "what the f$@& are you doing?" And I said I was just trying to be romantic or something like that...and then he said "I just want f$&@" which really hurt me. I felt like some slut he picked up at a bar. This requires more communication. You need to communicate your need for romance and affection and give him specific examples of how to do it, if it doesn't come naturally to him. "I want you to kiss me and tell me you love me during sex." "I want you to put your arms around me and hold me when we are cuddling." etc etc. If he isn't willing to meet you halfway and make sure your needs are being met in the relationship too, you need to decide whether you are really compatible. Also, you say you are considering starting a family with him. I don't know if this is wise. If he is a cold un-affectionate person, it could be cruel to his child. Plus, if he shuts you out any time you try to discuss something with him, co-parenting with him is going to be an absolute nightmare! I have asked him about his lack of affection and never answers me...he just says I am not affectionate towards him which is not true at all (that tends to be the way he argues). Don't give him anything to argue against. Just tell him what YOU need, without any accusations. He'll either be willing to make things better or he won't. Then you can decide whether this is really enough for you or not. The other thing is-he was sexually abused as a child. I've tried to talk to him about it. I've tried to ask him if me cuddling with him is hard for him...he just shuts me out. It's possible his history has given him certain triggers where he shuts down. But he is either someone who wants to help your relationship grow and thrive, or someone who just wants his own needs met. He is either someone who cares about your feelings and desires and whether you feel loved, or he isn't. He says he loves me, but he never really shows it. And if nothing changes in regard to this, are you prepared to accept things as they are? If no, then do NOT have children with him. 1
crederer Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 It sounds like your guy was a victim of sexual abuse, to be honest. He'll probably never grow out of it, and it isn't his fault either, but you gotta ask yourself if that is a legit reason to stick around No one can answer that for you but you. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? 1
central Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 It seems like you are mismatched in your wants and needs for sex and emotion. If you love this man, convince him to go to counseling with you - or alone for his abuse issues - and decide to stay and maybe have children depending on the outcome. Me, I'd be running already.
carhill Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 If he was sexually abused by a woman, it's possible your innocent and healthy approaches for intimacy and romance, like cuddling with him and touching his face, as examples, are triggers of a negative emotional memory, even more so than if he was abused by a man, as male abusers are generally not gentle nor 'romantic' with their intended male victims. However, it's simply impossible to know for sure if he was abused and/or of its extent. It could simply be an 'explanation' for otherwise uncouth behaviors. That said, I sometimes got the same 'I just want to fµck' kind of statements out of my exW and she also had dealt with childhood abuse and rape. Hard to know. Everyone is different. Since this is a relationship issue affecting your elemental intimacy, I'd second the suggestion for counseling if this is a relationship you see progressing to family status, if only to see if your partner is willing to address relationship issues as a team. If he isn't, then the long-term prognosis isn't very positive. Sorry to say. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Just because a man is planning a future with you...doesn't mean he's committed. Not many people are getting married for forever these days, nor are they figuring out themselves first...after all, you can just "work on them in your relationship" *gun in mouth* As confusing or judgmental as that might sound, he is either emotionally withdrawn from the relationship...never got there in the first place...or has some kind of big wall up that prevents him from experiencing that close emotional intimacy. Now I know...If you're like most women,out of that paragraph above the thing that stuck to your head the most was the last part, why? because you want it to be something that can be fixed that conveniently has nothing to do with you...but just because he's suffered from this sexually abusive past doesn't mean you just throw your hands up in the air and think you got it all figured out and that's the exact problem....a lot of people use their issues as a coverup and an excuse to avoid certain conversations. But even if it was his real issue, that's his responsibility. Think about it like...if you felt guilty about something, or you really didn't want to be honest about something....whether to the other person or yourself and instead of your reaction being "normal" and somewhat balanced or reasonable, instead your response is very defensive and dismissive...you use that "issue" as a scapegoat, and an easy rug to sweep it under...we're not having "this problem" because of ME or US, we're having a problem because of "that issue" which can be resolved maybe in time. Sorry, doesn't work that way.. There will always be a part of me that is perilously confused of how people can even stand or cope when they have these grand expectations of romance but the "reality" they are living is so so much less...but you convince yourself that this is "normal" because he says he loves you even though he doesn't show it...personally, I don't know how you or anyone else sleeps at night with that knot in your stomach, at least be honest with yourself and demand the same in return from him and his emotions...at the very least, then maybe you might get somewhere and figure out the real issues....assuming that's if it's something that can be fixed (it's not but I don't want to be the bad news bear so go ahead), and guess what? not everyone belongs together, or in a relationship or is that compatible...I know, what an earth-shattering reality, looove didn't conquer all and that maybe you two are in fact not the absolute perfect fit because of whatever it is you tell yourself that allows you to ignore the elephant in the room every night. No....not every man is going to be this way with you, are many men good lovers or even very good emotional partners? no, most aren't...that's what the report from the battle front is reporting in to me as well from all the women I've spoken with about any romantic relationships...however, there's always that guy that puts you on a pedestal and worships you....but nobody wants that guy unless you're REALLY desperate. But anyway, this guy seems to an extreme at least to me. Even if the guy had issues, what do you think is really going to happen or change? do you like the relationship you're in now, are you happy if it stays like this forever and likely even worse? because that's the reality you're dealing with...you don't start from low in the relationships then work your way up, you start real high and hopefully don't slide too far down the rails into a "normal" and very typical and generic marriage/relationship that you can have with just about anyone if you force yourself into it....but hey, whatever floats your boat, there seems to be a countless amount of people who believe entirely in their own opinions and beliefs that allow them to do just that...even in great despair, but you have to ask yourself, if you're supposedly so happy then why does everything sound so sad...(yes that's from a sound vaguely, kudos if you can guess it...I think). You have a lot to think about and talk about...and guess what? the less he says the more you just convince yourself whatever it is you want to accept from all the half-@ssed advice from people in your life that don't know jack crap about relationships...I mean, who better to ask right than these people rather than listen to your gut and face your true feelings and get answers right? why not make up the perfect lie and half-truth and just say he loves you and hopefully he will change...after all, that's what most do...so why be any different! He's probably just one of those guys that "shows it in his own way" or isn't that "emotional" or something like that.
theothersully Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 My ex wife was pretty heavily sexually abused. She was the exact same way for a couple years at the beginning of our marriage. It took a lot of work to get past that. There will be no easy fix.
BehindTheseHazelEyes Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 It appears that you are not sexually compatible. You want to cuddle and touch and that's not unreasonable. He needs to compromise otherwise, you will probably want to ditch this relationship because if he continues to be selfish and refuse to attend to your needs, then you will have a completely unsatisfying sex life and that will carry over to other parts of your life. And there are plenty of men out there who will do whatever their woman needs to feel safe and secure with them in bed.
M30USA Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 If he was sexually abused by a woman, it's possible your innocent and healthy approaches for intimacy and romance, like cuddling with him and touching his face, as examples, are triggers of a negative emotional memory, even more so than if he was abused by a man, as male abusers are generally not gentle nor 'romantic' with their intended male victims. However, it's simply impossible to know for sure if he was abused and/or of its extent. It could simply be an 'explanation' for otherwise uncouth behaviors. That said, I sometimes got the same 'I just want to fµck' kind of statements out of my exW and she also had dealt with childhood abuse and rape. Hard to know. Everyone is different. Since this is a relationship issue affecting your elemental intimacy, I'd second the suggestion for counseling if this is a relationship you see progressing to family status, if only to see if your partner is willing to address relationship issues as a team. If he isn't, then the long-term prognosis isn't very positive. Sorry to say. What does sexual abuse by a woman look like?
carhill Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 What does sexual abuse by a woman look like? IME, more like an inappropriate intimate (emotional and sexual) relationship, compared to more direct and sexual contact from a man. I saw bits and pieces of the essential processes while caregiving. I guess it's something one should experience firsthand to assess more clearly, not that I recommend it. OP, one potential supporting sign would be a history of counseling for his abuse/molestation and an ongoing commitment to that process. IOW, if he's currently attending counseling and talks about the process and his attendance is verifiable, I'd be more inclined to view the issue shared here as one which could be addressed with confidence.
M30USA Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 (edited) The reason I ask is because, looking back, I think my ex wife might have abused me in this fashion. I know it sounds funny and I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. She would keep me teeter-tottering on guessing what she wanted. She would tell me to go sleep on the couch because she was pissed at me, then after leaving and sleeping on the couch, she would wait until I'd fallen asleep and she'd violently rip the blankets off me. Then even if I tried to settle her down and give her what she wants, she would stonewall and shut down. I remember starting to associate sex with nervousness and anxiety. I actually might need to work on this issue for the future. Edited January 1, 2014 by M30USA
carhill Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 The reason I ask is because, looking back, I think my ex wife might have abused me in this fashion. I know it sounds funny and I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. She would keep me teeter-tottering on guessing what she wanted. She would tell me to go sleep on the couch because she was pissed at me, then after leaving and sleeping on the couch, she would wait until I'd fallen asleep and she'd violently rip the blankets off me. Then even if I tried to settle her down and give her what she wants, she would stonewall and shut down. I remember starting to associate sex with nervousness and anxiety. I actually might need to work on this issue for the future. To me, that sounds more like psychological abuse/manipulation than the kind of abuse one might experience as a child, as apparently the OP's boyfriend did. IME, the main difference is in the emotional memories formed, with childhood memories often forming elemental emotional reactions to triggering events. IMO, a competent psychologist could sort through the milieu. I learned some of this from our MC, who specialized in forensic examination of abuse, primarily childhood. My recollection, having experienced a bit of inappropriate interaction while caregiving, is that, at that time, there were triggers of 'creepiness' with my exW, when actions/words of hers matched up with the memories/experiences. However, her actions/words were completely appropriate; it was my perception of them which was skewed. The issue resolved over time. IMO, it's far easier for an adult to 'work through' such issues than for a child, whose brain is still forming and psychology developing, to perform similar work. Hence, if the BF experienced the issues as a child, they'd likely be more difficult to work through, at any time. OP, since you've been together a good while, live together and are planning a family, and this issue apparently came as a surprise, it sounds like, whatever it is, it's new to you. He could have been feeling this all along and now he's more comfortable showing his 'true' nature, or you hit a trigger. If he won't communicate about it, IMO it's probably a lost cause. 1
crederer Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 The reason I ask is because, looking back, I think my ex wife might have abused me in this fashion. I know it sounds funny and I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. She would keep me teeter-tottering on guessing what she wanted. She would tell me to go sleep on the couch because she was pissed at me, then after leaving and sleeping on the couch, she would wait until I'd fallen asleep and she'd violently rip the blankets off me. Then even if I tried to settle her down and give her what she wants, she would stonewall and shut down. I remember starting to associate sex with nervousness and anxiety. I actually might need to work on this issue for the future. When I broke up with one of my ex's she essentially raped me. I know a lot of people think a guy can't get raped by a girl but the reality is if the genders were reversed, it'd be considered rape for sure. Basically, without getting into too many details, when I told her it was over she tried having sex with me really hard. She kept pushing it, I kept saying "no" and she physically came at me. I stopped her, then she essentially said that she'd call the police and tell them I beat her up if I didn't have sex with her. She then took a kitchen knife and held it to her throat and said she'd slit it and report me as the one that did it. it was seriously messed up. 1
M30USA Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 (edited) When I broke up with one of my ex's she essentially raped me. I know a lot of people think a guy can't get raped by a girl but the reality is if the genders were reversed, it'd be considered rape for sure. Basically, without getting into too many details, when I told her it was over she tried having sex with me really hard. She kept pushing it, I kept saying "no" and she physically came at me. I stopped her, then she essentially said that she'd call the police and tell them I beat her up if I didn't have sex with her. She then took a kitchen knife and held it to her throat and said she'd slit it and report me as the one that did it. it was seriously messed up. Ouch! How did that scene resolve? Did something get smashed, someone get stabbed, or did you basically have sex with her? Honestly, man, I know exactly what this is like. I don't even tell people about my experience because it only makes me look bad or believe just dont believe me, but it was pretty disturbing. Something tells me our experience is more common than we are led to believe. Edited January 1, 2014 by M30USA
crederer Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Ouch! How did that scene resolve? Did something get smashed, someone get stabbed, or did you basically have sex with her? Honestly, man, I know exactly what this is like. I don't even tell people about my experience because it only makes me look bad or believe just dont believe me, but it was pretty disturbing. Something tells me our experience is more common than we are led to believe. No nothing came of it but months later she said "if you didn't want to be with me, why did you have sex with me that day?" I haven't told anyone about it except a close friend who unfortunately passed away shortly there after in a car accident.
Johnsmith1003 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Neither being a man, nor sexually abused as child, should be a reason for someone not being affectionate along with sex - at least not in my view. I like to be this way most times, but also like it hot and rough sometimes. I Some men.... and some women... just want sex, and can be cold. My first wife was not a hugging or cuddle type. I am a man AND was sexually abused as a child and STILL crave cuddling. Those are no reasons.
carhill Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Yes, that makes perfect sense (one can be sexually molested and still crave cuddling) but something in the OP still stands out to me, respecting that they've been together 18 months. "One night when we were making out with the intention that it would lead to sex, I was trying to be all romantic and was tenderly touching his face. He ended up getting mad at me and said "what the f$@& are you doing?" The 'one night' part, presuming recently, is what caught my attention. They're making out recently and her actions while making out brought out a shocking and hurtful (to her) response. What remains to deduce is whether her actions were usual and customary and this was a new response and, more importantly, figuring out the possibilities for where such a response to normally loving actions came from. Perhaps, if the OP returns, further answers may be forthcoming. As an example, if he normally responded positively to such actions, why the change? Has he ever made such a hurtful statement before. Some clues may be evident here: "I also find when we cuddle etc, it seems like I am cuddling with him but he's just lying there (I may have my arms around him and be snuggled up Beside him, but he doesn't put his arms around me. I have asked him about his lack of affection and never answers me..." This certainly appears to differ from any sort of 'craving'. It seems more that he's letting her cuddle him, then offers no communication on the matter, relevant to his own feelings, rather goes on to discuss her actions, apparently antithetically to what she was just doing, e.g. asserting she never shows him affection when he just recoiled from her doing exactly that, making out and caressing his face. My 'he's letting her love him' canary just choked a little.
Fugu Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Ignore the horse sh*t. You and only you know whether this person is worth anything as a human being on a human level - sex removed. On a sexual level, we all have needs. Maybe he just has a hard time getting to open up to his own needs, or yours. Counseling - maybe lots of it - might be the answer. I would not just write him off. I think that's the loser way out.
Els Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Ughhh... total and complete turn off, OP. I'm sorry he was abused as a child, but it isn't your duty to live with the consequences of it all your life. Does he acknowledge that this is a problem and is he willing to work on it? If he is, might be worth staying. If he isn't, I'd recommend leaving.
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