my story

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

i still hope that the love for my husband is buried, but: i felt this way before the A started. the A just made it more clear. there were problems before that and i had suggested marriage counseling. back then, my husband didn't want to go. now he does… but i'm afraid it may be too late? who knows.

also: i am in individual counseling and have been for a while.

 

 

 

What could it hurt? You will not know until you try.

 

 

From what I have seen, though, it will not work unless you BOTH are committed to it. So if your husband is going into it half-hearted just to appease your request, it probably will not work. Also if you go into it half-hearted, it will not work. It may not work anyway, but why doom it and waste money from the start?

 

 

What was it that made you fall out of love with your husband?

Edited December 31, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[soundsfamilar]

well, mickey, that's a whopper of a question thanks for your thoughts on this so far, by the way.

 

my husband had some very deep anger issues, that came to show during our first year together. he saw that this turned me off and i think he then decided to internalize it, instead of seeking help. he was always very negative about things, always expecting the worst outcome. i, too, often struggle with negative outlooks, so when two people like that get together, it becomes isolating. but while for him, things seemed better (i made his life better, he says), i started to feel down all the time. we had few friends, and now we have even fewer. we stay to ourselves most of the time and he knows this is not good, tries to be more social, but in the meantime i lost something along the way. it's hard to explain.

when i met the MM, we had so many laughs and all of a sudden i felt like the old "me" again, or at least the "me" i always wanted to be. it's not a matter of sex, by the way, my H always wants it and i think he actually medicates his depression through it. i don't feel unloved or ignored. i just started feeling like this may not be the match for me to live a positive life. through IC i understood that things must change and when i brought it up in the R, i guess he felt like i was saying that he failed somehow. he got angry when i suggested therapy and told me to look at the good sides of our life, like i was ungrateful, which i am not. like that's the answer, you know… just "snap out of it".

now he is open to MC, but i am struggling with the thought of it maybe being too late…

[dreamingoftigers]

If someone is angry/depressed to the point where they are impossible to deal with and refusing to get help, you LEAVE.

You separate until they are willing to get help and show you that they've gotten help.

You don't CHEAT.

[soundsfamilar]

so glad you have all the answers to other people's pain. and thanks for the aggressive tone. i think i'm leaving this board now… too much judgment after all by people with zero idea about my life. then again, what did i expect of the internet?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You are going to get a wide variety of responses and the tenor is going to change from poster to poster depending upon their experiences. But most of us, no matter what side we fall on (BS or WS) try to give the best advice we can give to help a person through. It is a form of therapy in some ways, but it doesn't take the place of counseling.

 

I am one that believes that when we act out (no matter what that is) it comes from a very broken place inside and this is what you have to get to in order to discover what needs to be fixed or worked on.

 

But in the meantime, the other BS needs to know. She really does.

[soundsfamilar]

hi lilmiss, thanks for your input. i have been in counseling for many years. i started participating here because my therapist suggested engaging with others in my situation, perhaps even online. when i just told him i joined a public forum open to anyone, he said i should probably look for an in-person support group or a closed, verified forum. he doesn't think a public forum will help me more than harm me at the moment. i think he's worried about me… i don't blame him. he's heard me say a lot of dark things over the past 2.5 months.

 

that said, i do appreciate every one here who took the time to comment and gave encouragement. i struggle with a broken heart (shattered, really) at the moment and it helps to know things get better. although right now they don't seem to be moving in the right direction very much – and after waking up this morning and reading the first response on here… well, what can is say. cry in the shower, anyone?

 

i'll still be reading on here, just not posting my personal stuff. your stories are all very interesting, in a sense that they help me stay away from MM and stay in NC. after reading through everyone's heartbreak, i most of all just want to be free again...

Edited January 2, 2014 by soundsfamilar

[Pushing Forward]

I don't think you should leave. I think *most* people here are really trying to help. I know there are posts that you won't agree with and that seem aggressive and hurtful, but you just have to ignore them. I'm not sure why some comments are even made, but that's how it is. You know the A was not the answer, just as I do for myself, but you did it anyway b/c at the time it made you happy and feel better. I totally understand the negativity and actually my H and I went to counseling years ago and the therapist actually told him he was wrong (so to speak), and that I was justified in feeling the way I did. My husband is a very negative person, always down on himself and never happy, always looking for the bad and not the good. I think that is part of why I strayed as well. I wish I could help but know there are many here who really do know what you're feeling and aren't here to judge but to try and help.

[soundsfamilar]

pushing forward, thank you for your kind words. i know that you are right, i just feel a bit too vulnerable to share my own story at this moment. i'll keep reading, and perhaps commenting here and there.

btw: it's funny what you say about your therapist. i told mine that my H had said "yeah, why don't we go to therapy and see what HE/SHE has to say??", implying the therapist would automatically be on H's side, because i was the one who cheated. my therapist literally said "well, if he thinks that he's probably in for a surprise." truth is, everybody's laundry gets aired when you go to MC and if the therapist is good, they won't let the BS simply highjack the process or guilt-trip the WS.

and yes: the negativity that i faced for years slowly killed me inside. it's hard to explain when you're not in it… but it sounds like you understand, because you're in it too...

[Quiet Storm]

Remember that happiness comes from within.

 

It is not your husband's job to make you happy. It sounds like you have been depressed and felt hopeless for a long while. MM represented something different- hope, a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

But MM is not your savior. You are responsible for your own happiness. There are people all over the world in horrible circumstances, and yet they still manage to be happy & content. Why do you think that is? It's because happiness is based on our inner self talk, our outlook, our expectations. It's not based on outside people or circumstances. You can change your career, your home life, your husband... but if you haven't changed your inner voice, your coping skills, your expectations- then eventually you will be disappointed and "unhappy" again.

 

You say you have been in counseling for a long time, but it sounds to be like you may need a new therapist. Suicidal thoughts and your continued hopelessness are signs that you need help. If this therapist isn't helping, then maybe you need a change.

 

Let go of any fantasies about MM. Many MM would be all over your Merry Christmas text as a way back in. It is an opening, a way to restart the affair, or to just start a flirty conversation for attention or validation. The fact that he took 4 days and sent that reply shows that his focus is elsewhere. He may be genuinely working on his marriage. Or he may have a new OW. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that he is no longer your way out of the marriage. He is not willing to be supportive or a friend to you.

 

As for your relationship with your husband, I don't think you will ever be able to love him until you truly love yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Your husband is correct about one thing- you should look at the positive things in your life. You do have much to be thankful for. You wanted your husband to go to marriage counseling, and now he is willing to do that. That's a positive change to focus on.

 

I can see that you feel your husband is an adversary because of how you phrase things (talking about whose "side" the therapist will be on). You should try to view your marriage as a team and work towards the greater goal of staying together. You each may lose a few battles, but the goal is to win the war (save your marriage). Your husband will be focused on the affair at first because he is in pain, but eventually the problems in the marriage can be acknowledged & hopefully resolved.

 

If you don't want your marriage, then make a decision to divorce. Don't just wallow in your depression for __ more years, waiting for an escape or another MM. You are responsible for this life, and if you don't make changes...nothing will ever change.

Edited January 2, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[blue963]

soundsfamiliar i dont mind communicating privately by chat or something. We are in similar situation and I just would like to be able to give some good support and receive some too. I dont think any woman wants to feel this way, but its so hard to get your head and heart out of it.

[blue963]

quiet storm. There is some truth to what you are saying. No one can make you happy, you have to make yourself happy. This is true but sometimes a partner can to do the opposite, not contribute emotionally in a relationship and suck the life out of you. We dont know their whole story.

[Oldspiceywolf]

I'm sorry your husband is using a hard time changing and growing in life. I hope you continue to grow. He may be a good man or the right man at the time but he may not be right for you now. I know it's also confusing because your both trying to R while have a break up, it's like a perverse rebound relationship, it's hard to make sense of.

You need friends and a life, you mentioned the isolation your and your husband share, that's no fun.

We need fun in our lives! Find fun, and not fun with sex. Therapy can be good but sometimes we need adventure. Find something to get your heart racing again and believe there is an answer for you somewhere and never stop looking for it. There's more for you in this world, you had t find it and implement it in your life. Don't worry about your husband or marriage, worry about you, if your husband can be there for you when you figure out what you need great but if not he has to find his answer himself. You only get one life don't there it away on loyalty duty and fear. You can do this!(do it with honor so you feel good about it affairs have a way of killing the good feelings with guilt.)

Good luck finding hope, answers happiness, and your truth!

[dreamingoftigers]

so glad you have all the answers to other people's pain. and thanks for the aggressive tone. i think i'm leaving this board now… too much judgment after all by people with zero idea about my life. then again, what did i expect of the internet?

 

I understand that hearing the tone of these things may bother you.

 

But frankly, by discounting the message for the perceived tone, it is rather unproductive.

 

I assume you want help with your situation and by avoiding the whole board (in this instance) you are also avoiding the helpful and well-intentioned responses.

 

Furthermore, it seems that you wish to use the perceived tone as being "judgmental" or "aggressive" as a way to dismiss the overall message which is: choose a healthier option than to just see him as "failing a need or want of yours" in some way before doing your own personal inventory.

 

Blaming his flaws as your reason to cheat is about as productive as him blaming your flaws (I.e. conflict-avoidance) for his flaws. You get nowhere.

 

What is it that you put into the marriage to nurture it?

How are you different around your AP thàn your H?

How people respond to us has a lot to do with how we act towards them. If you see your husband as a loser or burden or "less than" you will act towards him that way and if he is already depressed, there's very little chance he wouldn't follow you down that road.

 

Frankly, expecting him to self-manage and digging your heels in as a partner when your partner is ill is crucial to having a long-term marriage. Just the same as he shouldn't abandon you if you get lupus or what have you.

[soundsfamilar]

ok, here's a response to everyone's above:

 

1. oldspiceywolf: thank you for those thoughts, they actually make the most sense to me. my husband is a good man and i never doubted that. we just had a few years where a lot of bad stuff happened and we seemed to drag each other down further. that's when i asked him to go to MC with me and he got angry and refused. the isolation was a result of that, as we both wallowed in depression for a while and connecting with others seemed hard to do, for some reason. but i am generally very outgoing and social (unlike him) and it made me incredibly sad to see us so disconnected, from each other and everyone else. i want to be happy again and i am willing to try with my H. but i am also seeing how i must feel happy again either way, or my life will feel wasted to me. so finding that drive for happiness again will hopefully become more possible as the wounds over the A start to heal.

 

2. quiet storm: what you say also makes sense. i just want to add a few thoughts. i have been in counseling for a while, but not always this depressed.. the A did that to me, unfortunately. there have been long periods where i was doing just fine, despite feeling frustrated in my M, but things did not seem this dire. so i understand the concept of happiness and self-love very well. somehow the A took all of that out of me, and had i known how As tend to do that, i would have not entered it. in the beginning, it just seemed like a gift… and i'm sure many others here felt the same way when they first started.

in terms of the fantasy regarding MM, i don't really have that anymore. the merry christmas email i sent was after i ignored him for weeks. we had a telephone call 4 weeks ago, where all the old stuff was said (love you, but can't do it out of fear, must see if i can salvage M, etc.). after that, i went silent. he always knew i would eventually write, but this time i didn't. after two weeks of that, he emailed me, about how he wants to stay in touch, how are you, here's what's happening in my life and so on. i still stayed silent. then, on christmas, i sent that one line, because that's what these stupid holidays do to you, and then i got the 4-days-late email. knowing him, it hurt his gigantic ego that i was able to ignore his desire to stay in touch by not writing anything of real content anymore. needless to say, i never responded again. if i did, he would respond and want to keep me on his radar, in case the M doesn't work out (something he still fears). but why should i?

and in terms of my H and the therapy and what "sides" people take: it was my H who said that, not me. he said "when we go to MC, you'll see who's side they're going to be on!" he expects a counselor to say he was right and i was wrong, i think. he taunts me with that anyway, which sucks. oh, and no… i will NEVER get involved with a MM again. i had no idea what a mountain of pain it is.

 

3. blue963: sure, you can message me somehow, no?

 

4. dreamingoftigers: i don't discount anything people say here, they all have a point. but when you start using the ALL CAPS and really simplifying a very, very complicated situation into something black and white, then it doesn't help me, or anybody else, i presume. in terms of my H, i certainly don't see him as a loser, never suggested that, no idea where you got that. i have been very supportive during our past trials and literally spent my entire therapy sessions over years talking about how i can make this marriage better. i also never blamed my cheating on his flaws and i always was the one to "pull him out of the hole" when things went wrong or down for him. the way our relationship went south made me vulnerable to the A, and the reason it went south surely had to do with both of us, i get that. but to say i didn't work on it, care for it or respect it is just plain false.

Edited January 2, 2014 by soundsfamilar

[Quiet Storm]

quiet storm. There is some truth to what you are saying. No one can make you happy, you have to make yourself happy. This is true but sometimes a partner can to do the opposite, not contribute emotionally in a relationship and suck the life out of you. We dont know their whole story.

 

 

In my opinion, people can only suck the life out of you if you allow it. We all deal with hardships and grief in life, and people that aren't good for us. We have to learn how to manage it in healthy ways. We need to take action and avoid those that have the potential to hurt us, or make an effort to resolve our conflicted relationships.

 

We are not responsible for what others do to us, whether it be a partner that abuses us, cheats on us or neglects us. But we are responsible for how we respond to their actions. If we are not getting what we need from a relationship, we have choices. We can leave, we can work to resolve the problems, we can negotiate an open marriage. We do not have to cheat or stay & be miserable/hopeless.

 

soundsfamiliar said she has been in counseling for many years. So there are issues here that likely have nothing to do with the affair or the marriage. It sounds like she is being treated for depression. I am concerned because someone that has been in therapy for many years should have better coping skills. Suicidal thoughts do not indicate she is coping well with the breakup or her marriage issues.

 

The point of my post was to help her see that she is in control of her life. She has the power to change this. She is responsible for her own happiness. She doesn't have to be so consumed emotionally that she loses herself or loses hope. She can change her focus and be a happier person, regardless of the men in her life.

[soundsfamilar]

hi, me again. quiet storm, please read my above response. i am not being treated for depression and was quite fine before the A. in my therapy i worked on many of my marital issues, which my husband at the time refused to acknowledge. i understand what you're trying to say, but my depression and dark thoughts came into my life recently, as i was facing an A going badly AND a M going badly and feeling somewhat helpless in the presence of my life in shambles. my current depression had/has everything to do with my M and my A. once the fresh wounds heal and the grief lessens, i know i will be back to my old, much happier self. the question is: with or without my M?

[soundsfamilar]

and blue963: you're right, a partner can suck the life out of you, even if he/she is a good, decent person. it's mind boggling. i felt like a jerk when, years ago, i started wondering if my marriage was good. everyone around me thought i married a great guy. i thought well, must be my fault that i'm not happy. am i perhaps expecting too much? until one day my mother (who's usually always of the opposite opinion as me, lol) said: "your husband is depressed and it will be hard to live with him, unless he does something about it. you can't always continue to manage him."

boy, was it a relief to have somebody else see what i saw/felt. the sad part is, he is a good person and i want to love him. but right now i'm reaching into the void in that respect, because of everything that happened. i'm just in a massive heap of crap right now, enough to make anyone depressed. perhaps i do need to be alone in order to move on? i don't know… it's the million dollar question.

[Quiet Storm]

hi, me again. quiet storm, please read my above response. i am not being treated for depression and was quite fine before the A. in my therapy i worked on many of my marital issues, which my husband at the time refused to acknowledge. i understand what you're trying to say, but my depression and dark thoughts came into my life recently, as i was facing an A going badly AND a M going badly and feeling somewhat helpless in the presence of my life in shambles. my current depression had/has everything to do with my M and my A. once the fresh wounds heal and the grief lessens, i know i will be back to my old, much happier self. the question is: with or without my M?

 

I understand, and I hope you continue with counseling to help you cope.

[Scott Thomas]

I've been trying to message you.

 

Not sure why I can't.

Is there any other way I could contact you and send you two links?