manticore Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 My hurt/anger has always been directed towards my husband. I might not LIKE the other woman, but she owed me nothing so I rarely waste feelings/emotions on her. But everyone is different, I suppose. you have to understand that althought your pain is probably the same as the OWH, man and woman see thing different (I am not justfying his threats to you or your kids, but I can totally understand he threatening your husband). I can almost 100% assure you (even thought I have no read your story) that your husband was the agressor and he relentsly persued OW, why? because that is almost always the case when a couple of married people fool around, so that is also a reaqson why womman are more easily set to forgive their husband, he probably tell you some crap of how she means nothing to him and how it was just physical etc, etc, but male agressors normally emtionally engage the AP so ion her husband case he have to deal with the fog her wife is going through of how your husbad promised her eternal love and a life together. 1
yellowmaverick Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I am sorry for your children. Your H and his mistress are selfish f***tards for doing this to two families. 1
bentleychic Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I say police and restraining order. People will do things when emotions hit that they may not do otherwise. Since he's stupid enough to put a threat in to an e-mail to you (i.e solid proof of the threat, not just hearsay or verbal), I would take it seriously and take it to the police. Whether he means it or not, he needs to know that it's serious and not okay. YOU and your children didn't do anything to him. Your husband and his wife did.
jnel921 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Everyone is so quick to say "Tell the OM/OW spouse now!!!"... What people fail to realize is that when you do that, you are destroying their life. Sure, we all know you didnt do it, but you are the one that ratted them out. All I'm saying is you have to be very careful when messing with peoples lives. A cornered animal is the most dangerouse. OP, I would be very concerned and I would make a police report about it. When it comes to exposing an A I say use caution. Everyone should not be involved other then the immediate people involved BS & WS. Having kids, parents, friends and all of that is asking for more issues and judgment than you need. You also cannot predict anyone's reaction. Be careful. 1
Artie Lang Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) i say you document all these "veiled" threats and forward them to the proper authorities. you already have witnesses who can corroborate your concerns about his behavior. act on it. it sounds like he's being gaslighted..... why would he call you crazy? does he not believe the information? if i may ask, where is your husband in all this? HE needs to take the lead role in this, as HE'S the one who put you in this position. HE needs to step up to the plate and protect his family, in light of HIS horrendous decision to have an affair- IT'S ALL ON HIM! i still say you did the right thing in telling him, though. this man had a right know. Edited December 31, 2013 by Artie Lang
Trimmer Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I say police and restraining order. People will do things when emotions hit that they may not do otherwise. Since he's stupid enough to put a threat in to an e-mail to you (i.e solid proof of the threat, not just hearsay or verbal), I would take it seriously and take it to the police. Whether he means it or not, he needs to know that it's serious and not okay. YOU and your children didn't do anything to him. Your husband and his wife did. I agree with this. You need to respond and set a boundary; push back, even, with completely legal action, but be firm, strong and uncompromising. Put him in his place. Definitely involve the police, and push it as far as you can to get them to take the maximum action possible. Look into a restraining order. Nip this in the bud so he knows he's not dealing with a weak opponent.
BetrayedH Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Everyone is so quick to say "Tell the OM/OW spouse now!!!"... What people fail to realize is that when you do that, you are destroying their life. Sure, we all know you didnt do it, but you are the one that ratted them out. She did not destroy anyone's life. There is nothing in this situation that indicates that the other BS didn't want to know or shouldn't have known. Where there should be caution is in the widespread exposure that is sometimes recommended. The other BS is going thru trauma right now and what's clear is that he doesn't want his children to know. OP, I would draft your own email back to him explaining that your adult chuld figured it out and that you reached out to friends for support but that it's not anyone's intention to involve children. In short, I suggest you explain and express empathy. You can also include, however, that the threats against your family are unacceptable, have been reported, and anything further will result in a legal action. End it by wishing him well. 3
beatcuff Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 She did not destroy anyone's life. There is nothing in this situation that indicates that the other BS didn't want to know or shouldn't have known. which is HIS right. i love how persons on this board believe they 'know it all' because they are BS and then assume all BS act the same. one only has to watch Springer or Maury to know more often than not BS go after the OM/OW not WS. OP, I would draft your own email back to him ... he THREATEN her children. seriously. why not recommend she also stick her head in a bee's nest. he could counter with a stalking charge of his own. let it go. you did the standard 'tell him' now its time for the OP to move forward with her M/R/D.
Author frogss29 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 My husband took a copy of the email to the police. They advised him to think about getting an AVO but in the meantime, they have contacted the BH and warned him off. I understand he is lashing out at us rather than facing his real problems. And I understand, now, that his children are the most important thing in his life so by threatening our children, he is showing how much pain he is in. I am just SO sick of understanding! Glad it is now 2014. 4
bentleychic Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Very good moves, I think. I'm glad you contacted the proper authorities and I sincerely hope that he is all talk. 2
experiencethedevine Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 My husband took a copy of the email to the police. They advised him to think about getting an AVO but in the meantime, they have contacted the BH and warned him off. I understand he is lashing out at us rather than facing his real problems. And I understand, now, that his children are the most important thing in his life so by threatening our children, he is showing how much pain he is in. I am just SO sick of understanding! Glad it is now 2014. The sick of understanding is very exhausting when amongst all the detritus. I agree that you are probably brimming with 'understanding' your backside off at the moment, but hopefully frogs, 2014 will see the wood begin to clear and you will find renewed energies to put into your future that leave all that carnage behind little by little. You've done the dignified thing. Leave the rest to the authorities if necessary, and concentrate on the things that are most important to you. The dust will eventually settle my dear. I wish you a year of peace and enjoyment. 1
Author frogss29 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Weird thing happened today........ we are overseas on a one month vacation. And he contacts me, asking for info. I thought long and hard and answered after a few hours, saying he should ask his wife but also added that I finally found out through iCloud messages which were pretty clear.And that my husband told me the rest......... Then SHE calls me. Says she can see I contacted her husband. Obviously she reads his emails - even his work emails? I replied that HE contacted ME and then hung up the phone. SEETHING now. How DARE she!!!!! On a positive side, my husband is right by my side. Helping me through this. Seeing things a little more clearly.
manticore Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) How DARE she!!!!! On a positive side, my husband is right by my side. Helping me through this. Seeing things a little more clearly. frogss, I may sound rude here but, believe me I am telling you this without any kind of agenda you are rug sweeping the affair. As I told you before, and for what I read in your posts, your husband was the agressor, he engaged emotionally the OW (no matter if he said he was seduced), if you want truth reconcilation you have to accept that fact and face it, but OW is an adult woman so of course she have her resposability in the affair just as your husband, she had the obligation to maintain her boundaries and she didn't do it. why you think that your husband could so easily throw under the buss her OW?, because he was just using her for sex, you obviously choose R, that is your choice, but believe me, the one who is having harder time here isn't you, is OW's husband, who have to deal with the feelings of love that her wife have for your husband. your best option here is to provide all the information the ow's husband is requesting you and in that way he will be out of your life permanently, if he feels that your husband is getting scot free after seducing his wife, he may end doing something out of rage (which I hope it not happens). give and share with him whatever you have and whatever he requests, he may end divorcing his wife and he will dissapear from your lives (women when are engaged emotionally by OMs bash their husbands under the infatuation produced by them, of course OM, your husband in this case, promote this behaviour so they can keep looking like the perfect man). the only reason OW woke up from her fog is becuase your husband thorw her inmediatly under the buss, showing her that she was just a piece of meat for him, but still ow's husband wants to verify with you if all the lies that OW is telling him (to covering herself now that she realized that was used) are thruth. as cruel as it sound , the more you share or help OW's husband the more easily he will feel empathy for you and probably he will divorce his wife, which is the best scenario for you, once he begins divorce he will completly leave your family alone because he will have to focus in custody and other legal matters. Edited February 10, 2014 by manticore 1
road Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Weird thing happened today........ we are overseas on a one month vacation. And he contacts me, asking for info. I thought long and hard and answered after a few hours, saying he should ask his wife but also added that I finally found out through iCloud messages which were pretty clear.And that my husband told me the rest......... Then SHE calls me. Says she can see I contacted her husband. Obviously she reads his emails - even his work emails? I replied that HE contacted ME and then hung up the phone. SEETHING now. How DARE she!!!!! On a positive side, my husband is right by my side. Helping me through this. Seeing things a little more clearly. Send the BH all of the evidence that you have. Email him the copies of those Icloud messages and offer to tell him every thing you know about the affair. This BH is in pain and can not trust if his WW gave him the whole truth or is trickle truthing him still. 2
road Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 My husband took a copy of the email to the police. They advised him to think about getting an AVO but in the meantime, they have contacted the BH and warned him off. I understand he is lashing out at us rather than facing his real problems. And I understand, now, that his children are the most important thing in his life so by threatening our children, he is showing how much pain he is in. I am just SO sick of understanding! Glad it is now 2014. Did your WH admit to the police that he was banging the BH's WW?
manticore Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) When a WS is discovered, and meets the requirements of IMMEDIATE NO CONTACT what gives people the right to say they threw the AP under the Bus? There is no indication that this is what is going on. I found out about my WW's affair. I asked the question right up front: "Are you prepared to end this?" Initial answer: "ummmmm" .... (she hadn't planned for this moment in all the months of enjoying her A. End of discussion. Two hours later: "I'll ask you again, are you prepared to end this now?" Yes. Phone call: "It's over. He found out" You can call that throwing the AP under the bus but in my book it's a REQUIREMENT to do so to begin to look at saving the marriage. In the movie Sophie's Choice, we don't say, "look, she threw her son under the bus...." She made a choice she didn't want to make, and this choice was forced upon her by another. obviously, in your case your WS did not threw her AP under the buss, more like she trickle truth you, if she had to think even for a second the answer, it means that there was a confrontation in her mind (do I want my AP or do I want my spouse), that is why I said, that women most of the time are emotionally engaged to her APs, while males are just looking sex, that is why most of the time men just inmediatly swear tha they don't love their AP and they were seduced bla bla bla. your case is even a bad example, I mean obviously for the sake of having her plan B, she would answer you "yes I want to work the realtionship", that would bought her time to speak with her AP and confirm if he wants something serious or not, if AP says no the she alredy told you yes (her back up plan), if answer is yes she just have to tell you that in the end she prefers her AP. She applied you basic Plan A, B strategy, for anyone who have read books about affairs is known as safe back up strategy (just like angaging fake reconcilation). you just reforced my statement. I really did not understood your point. just to clarify, how the hell you campare soffie's choice with an affair, in one is an act of selfinesh where the WS is having pleasure and stability in the other end, while in the movie it was a decission a lost lost situation. Edited February 10, 2014 by manticore
Author frogss29 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Feeling so much better now that I know the AP's husband finally knows the truth. I feel that was the final piece in this crazy jigsaw puzzle. Just for the record, I am not 'rug sweeping'. There hasn't been one moment, day or night, where this awful situation hasn't engulfed me.
Trimmer Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Feeling so much better now that I know the AP's husband finally knows the truth. I feel that was the final piece in this crazy jigsaw puzzle. Just for the record, I am not 'rug sweeping'. There hasn't been one moment, day or night, where this awful situation hasn't engulfed me. I'm glad things are evening out a bit. Having said that, before I felt like providing ANY cooperation with the AP's husband, I'd still be pretty pissed that he was making threats against your family (other than your husband.) I still feel like a strongly enforced boundary is in order, and before any help or cooperation came forth from me - if that's considered - I'd have a stern talk along the lines of: "I know you were hurt, but I need you to acknowledge that your behavior was over the line and my kids and I didn't deserve that for a minute." And I'd expect an apology, and assurances that he knows where the boundary is and can control himself. I understand he was pissed, but I wouldn't get over threats to my children very easily... 2
Author frogss29 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I'm glad things are evening out a bit. Having said that, before I felt like providing ANY cooperation with the AP's husband, I'd still be pretty pissed that he was making threats against your family (other than your husband.) I still feel like a strongly enforced boundary is in order, and before any help or cooperation came forth from me - if that's considered - I'd have a stern talk along the lines of: "I know you were hurt, but I need you to acknowledge that your behavior was over the line and my kids and I didn't deserve that for a minute." And I'd expect an apology, and assurances that he knows where the boundary is and can control himself. I understand he was pissed, but I wouldn't get over threats to my children very easily... I agree. Appears he was told nothing about what had happened.....just led to believe my husband had 'become attached to her' and that she was just being a friend but that he took it to mean more but she was uncomfortable letting others know. And he believed that..... I gave facts/evidence. And suggested he talk with her. Glad it is all out now. 1
experiencethedevine Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I agree. Appears he was told nothing about what had happened.....just led to believe my husband had 'become attached to her' and that she was just being a friend but that he took it to mean more but she was uncomfortable letting others know. And he believed that..... I gave facts/evidence. And suggested he talk with her. Glad it is all out now. I do hope there is enormous relief in having given the information needed that the man had previously not been privy to frogs. A common story indeed, the attempts to divert attention away from the truth, but it will out, eventually, and as you say, at least he has some idea of the lies he has been subjected to by his own wife. Your concern now might be diverted into the effort needed to attempt forward motion in your reconciliation. I sincerely hope things begin to settle down this year for you. 1
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