I don't contact her sometimes when I want too

[MissBee]

I'm not drained at all by it if I keep control. It fulfills me, doesn't deplete me.

 

Doesn't sound like it from all your posts and all you seem to have to juggle.

 

And usually even if one person is happy with it, the other isn't it seems. It tends to be that the MM is quite content with all this while the single OW is not at all happy with it.

Edited December 31, 2013 by MissBee

[BlueBobby]

She is happy actually. I've talked to her about it all.

She would like more, so would I, but then we agree we need to stay in our marriages and just move forward as is.

It's working well and has for over a year. I would be the one more likely to divorce if I thought we would end up together than she would.

 

I of course don't want to get caught because I'd lose everything, do I think about that? My house, my car my kids, my wife, the comfort and stability, of course I do. I have no problem admitting I don't want to mess with all that.

 

Communication is not at all only on my time. If she contacts me I never ignore her, and I never just withhold all contact either, I just initiate a lot less often when it's holidays or stressful at home.

[BlueBobby]

Reminds me of every addict I've ever known.

 

So, what shame are you trying to drown out?

Ever wonder why you do what you do? The real motivation beyond "it feels good in the moment."

 

I am an addict. Don't do drugs anymore but I'll always be an addict and so will she. I feel no shame in that.

[curiousGeorge2]

Not to jump in to defend the op, but about using this forum to control the ow. I don't think the op is trying to manipulate the ow using this forum. Remember ow in this case is married too, unlike most ow here. It's also hard to tell if the ow is more emotionally invested in the affair than the op. Lastly, both of them entered the relationship with the expectation of staying married.

[thecharade]

You love your wife? Or appreciate her? Or like her?

 

And your AP? Love her? Are in love with her?

 

I can't tell which feelings relate to your life and stuff and which feelings relate to a woman? Do you even know?

[BlueBobby]

I'm not using this forum to directly or indirectly manipulate anyone. That's really stupid, I have told her all of this there would be no point in that.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am an addict. Don't do drugs anymore but I'll always be an addict and so will she. I feel no shame in that.

 

Pardon me: i meant in active addiction.

 

Not just the fact that you are predisposed to it.

 

It's no surprise that you've substituted a drug addiction with adultery. Seen that switch more than once.

 

So what makes it okay for Bobby to use people instead of drugs for his personal high and comfort?

[BlueBobby]

I actually just read on here a lot making it sound like every man is the same. We don't love anyone at all, users and abusers.

 

I have no had past affairs, I have had past infidelities. I would consider an affair, emotional and lasting more than one time, with planning, not just opportunity.

 

I love both women involved and arrange it so when I am with one I am thinking only about her and focused as best I can be in the moment. It comes very natural to me, I'm not drained by it, and I'm doing my best to keep everyone happy. Simple really, for me.

 

My wife is not at risk for STD's and I'm minimizing the risk as best I can so she doesn't get hurt.

Someone asked if my other woman wanted to end the affair would I respect her wishes and would I look to replace her. Sure I would respect her, but I feel like I could talk her into anything, even without trying. If I came onto her she would be right back in, even if we didnt plan it. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just don't think she will be the one who decides to end it but if she did I'd try my best to back off. I'm pretty confident I wouldn't be looking for any other affair. She is special. It's her for a reason.

[BlueBobby]

Pardon me: i meant in active addiction.

 

Not just the fact that you are predisposed to it.

 

It's no surprise that you've substituted a drug addiction with adultery. Seen that switch more than once.

 

So what makes it okay for Bobby to use people instead of drugs for his personal high and comfort?

 

Hey I didn't try to make it sound all honey and roses. I don't think I said anywhere I think it's ok. I understand why it's wrong and I have admitted I do it because I want too.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not using this forum to directly or indirectly manipulate anyone. That's really stupid, I have told her all of this there would be no point in that.

 

That fact that you called it "stupid" only confirms it.

 

Youve come here to a relationship forum not to help or get help. The way that you print out long opening posts for the OW stating about how not contacting her because you don't want to be caught and the response you expect of her is pretty blatant.

 

You've also expressed a desire to keep controls on the relationship. It sounds and looks like just one more avenue to do that.

 

Or else why be here?

Why really?

-you arent helping

-you dont want help

-I doubt that you are just trolling

-you arent the type to be truly interested in others and their problems

-you are admittedly selfish

 

So what other selfish motivation could there be posting two threads on an almost identical topic?

what other selfish interest could that serve?

 

Please, broaden my horizons.

[BlueBobby]

I could have just added to the other thread. I have brought up this topic for no other reason than I keep reading about it all over here. No big deep meaning.

[BlueBobby]

Seems like a lot of people have a lot to say on the subject so it's not really a wasted topic.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey I didn't try to make it sound all honey and roses. I don't think I said anywhere I think it's ok. I understand why it's wrong and I have admitted I do it because I want too.

 

Because "you want to" carries more weight with you than knowing it is inherently damaging to these people you allegedly love?

 

There is "wrong" and then there is WRONG.

 

So what you want would appear to be more important than the well-being of your wife and children? It would seem so. Where is that line drawn?

 

You are willing to toss away your life just to suit your mood.

[awkward]

BlueBobby - Your MOW will read this thread right?

[BlueBobby]

I'm happy and don't really need to hear from the moral police, everyone is comfortable and smiling at my house, and my girl is happy and satisfied after a long talk tonight. I'll see her in a few days, and had a great holiday.

I had something to say, about contact in an affair and that sometimes the lack of it isn't a bad thing in the long run and it helps preserve everything, so nobody gets caught and hurt and we can keep having fun.

I'm on a forum for other men and other women. If you are so sensitive to the subject, walk on by.

[awkward]

Long story short, my wife knows I want us have an open relationship. I'd be fine with her getting both sexual and emotional extras on the side.

 

 

 

So your wife said no to the open marriage. You did it anyways. When your wife finds out she is going to divorce you. Remember this... your OW is going to make sure she finds out. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but when your banging your wife's best friend, your wife's best friend isn't really a friend at all. Is she?

[BlueBobby]

BlueBobby - Your MOW will read this thread right?

 

She told me a few months ago that near the start of our affair she checked out a site that was geared right to other men and women. I looked and found it. She has not said she wrote here or reads here and actually I have not hidden who I am much at all, if she's here she would probably have texted me right away. I didn't write anything with her reading it in mind, I don't care because we've already talked about it all.

[violet1]

I actually just read on here a lot making it sound like every man is the same. We don't love anyone at all, users and abusers.

 

I have no had past affairs, I have had past infidelities. I would consider an affair, emotional and lasting more than one time, with planning, not just opportunity.

 

I love both women involved and arrange it so when I am with one I am thinking only about her and focused as best I can be in the moment. It comes very natural to me, I'm not drained by it, and I'm doing my best to keep everyone happy. Simple really, for me.

 

My wife is not at risk for STD's and I'm minimizing the risk as best I can so she doesn't get hurt.

Someone asked if my other woman wanted to end the affair would I respect her wishes and would I look to replace her. Sure I would respect her, but I feel like I could talk her into anything, even without trying. If I came onto her she would be right back in, even if we didnt plan it. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just don't think she will be the one who decides to end it but if she did I'd try my best to back off. I'm pretty confident I wouldn't be looking for any other affair. She is special. It's her for a reason.

 

So...you are telling me that if she had enough and wanted to end it, you'd just reel her back in? Affairs are exhausting, especially for women. I think that would be an extremely cruel thing to do. Thank God my exMOM was not like you when I ended our affair. He loved me enough to respect my decision. Yes, he didn't want it to end, but he didn't try to talk me into anything.

 

OP, I've tried to be supportive and understanding of your situation, but you are too arrogant for my taste so I'm out of this thread. One last thing, I hope you don't get caught because you and your wife's wonderful best friend will shatter her world to pieces.

[BlueBobby]

So your wife said no to the open marriage. You did it anyways. When your wife finds out she is going to divorce you. Remember this... your OW is going to make sure she finds out. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but when your banging your wife's best friend, your wife's best friend isn't really a friend at all. Is she?

 

She would be the last person to ever out me. It's unexplainable, how she and I am together. She is doing a bad thing but she is a great person nothing anyone said would affect my view on her.

Ya my wife would absolutely leave me. I know that.

[awkward]

She would be the last person to ever out me. It's unexplainable, how she and I am together. She is doing a bad thing but she is a great person nothing anyone said would affect my view on her.

Ya my wife would absolutely leave me. I know that.

 

Thats good to hear. Sometimes people lose their minds in affairs. They don't even know who they are anymore. Hopefully your MOW won't get too attached...become jealous of your wife. That would be a problem for you.

[BlueBobby]

So...you are telling me that if she had enough and wanted to end it, you'd just reel her back in? Affairs are exhausting, especially for women. I think that would be an extremely cruel thing to do. Thank God my exMOM was not like you when I ended our affair. He loved me enough to respect my decision. Yes, he didn't want it to end, but he didn't try to talk me into anything.

 

OP, I've tried to be supportive and understanding of your situation, but you are too arrogant for my taste so I'm out of this thread. One last thing, I hope you don't get caught because you and your wife's wonderful best friend will shatter her world to pieces.

 

I did not mean I would reel her back in if she tried to end it. I see how it comes out like that. She's in love with me and I know that so what I mean is it would be hard for me to not say the right things to her that would have her back in it, even if we didn't mean to.

To end it one of us would probably have to move. I do think that. I'd have a real hard time seeing her and not having any of her. If it was like only ending one half of it, like either the emotional side or the physical I think I could do it, but not both and see her everyday.

But I do love her and would do my best to make sure she was happy and got what she wanted that's really what I meant.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm happy and don't really need to hear from the moral police, everyone is comfortable and smiling at my house, and my girl is happy and satisfied after a long talk tonight. I'll see her in a few days, and had a great holiday.

I had something to say, about contact in an affair and that sometimes the lack of it isn't a bad thing in the long run and it helps preserve everything, so nobody gets caught and hurt and we can keep having fun.

I'm on a forum for other men and other women. If you are so sensitive to the subject, walk on by.

 

Well, whew, I'm glad I'm not the Moral Police or sensitive to the topic then.

 

However I did ask you two questions and you answered a different one than the ones I asked.

 

I asked you: 1) when does the using people stop?

And 2) who or how was it role-modeled to you that it was okay?

 

Asking you if you were okay with it would have been somewhat pointless.

Obviously you are okay with it. Most of your thread deals with how okay you are about it.

 

I'm just wondering how you got there. You see my father and husband are both serial cheats and I really wonder what level of disassociation from one's spouse and children one must have to be able to inflict that on them AND how that whole process started.

 

How does it end up boiling down to "we can't talk on Monday Wednesday Friday because I have to pretend to be a loyal, caring husband on that day and then I'm taking Johnny to the park."

 

How does one arrive at this location?

[whichwayisup]

She told me a few months ago that near the start of our affair she checked out a site that was geared right to other men and women. I looked and found it. She has not said she wrote here or reads here and actually I have not hidden who I am much at all, if she's here she would probably have texted me right away. I didn't write anything with her reading it in mind, I don't care because we've already talked about it all.

 

If your MOW posted on here, I'm sure there would be similar patterns that some would notice. She must be posting on another support forum.

 

Is your wife tech savvy?

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I did not mean I would reel her back in if she tried to end it. I see how it comes out like that. She's in love with me and I know that so what I mean is it would be hard for me to not say the right things to her that would have her back in it, even if we didn't mean to.

To end it one of us would probably have to move. I do think that. I'd have a real hard time seeing her and not having any of her. If it was like only ending one half of it, like either the emotional side or the physical I think I could do it, but not both and see her everyday.

But I do love her and would do my best to make sure she was happy and got what she wanted that's really what I meant.

No.. you would reel her back in, this sounds like your game.. not hers. Been there..done that 3 1/2 years later, broken hearted and feel like a used piece of trash. I to am married, no intention on leaving my marriage.. but that never changed my feelings for MOM. And he knew this, used it to his advantage. And let me tell you... when he got caught... he changed his whole attitude on how ****ty his life really was. He was a different person. He was this new person because he got caught. Sure... he loved me, needed me, I was his best friend and all the other bs that came out of his mouth. You won't need to move anywhere.. you will get a slap in the face to wake you up... you will get caught.

[journeyeleven]

Regardless of what you think of BlueBobby, he is being frank and has a point of view that to varying degrees, may be shared by many MMs. You may not agree with his behavior, but he is offering all of the OW on this forum a legitimate explanation of affair dynamics from a MM perspective. A big part of the process of healing for me was trying to understand WTF happened and I am learning a lot from BlueBobby.