justwonderingabout Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Sorry for this very long entry but i'd love to hear some feed back.... So, my girlfriend and I broke up 4 days ago. It hit me hard but I'm doing better. The background of our relationship is as such....met her back in August, and feel crazy in love with her quickly. I've dated many women since my divorce 15 years ago, but this woman was everything I had been looking for. Cute, smart, funny, successful, etc. ( if it matters...she's 38, and I'm 44 ). Her background....successful business manager, going through a divorce which was recently final in mid November ( i should mention this divorce is her 2nd from the same guy, as they got remarried about 2 years ago after a 10 years split ), she has two teenage kids ( one with autism, another one who's behaving terrible, tired to run away, and been in juvenile detention ). We were crazy about each other. We met each others families. We talked about moving in together next summer. It seemed great. But sometimes, she'd say or do things that i thought were odd ( i'll list those in a bit ). So those are the basic details. Things were great until the divorce. She became distant. She said she wanted to slow things down. Less texts. Less calls. Less "I love you's" from her. Less excitement from her. And yet, she still talked about doing things in the future. When our break up happened, I didn't her from her, but then 2 days later, she sent a text with something like "it's strange cutting off complete communication from you. Hope you're doing OK". I found it condescending, as in her thinking "i'm fine but i'm sure you're having trouble". I didn't write back til today with simply "yes, i'm doing fine". I figured just keep it simple. But now looking back over the months we dated, i think about some of the things she did and said, and at times they seemed very controlling, insecure, odd . Examples, what I saw as red flags, but ignored.... - she talked about her ex husband a lot. Mostly bad, but good times too. - She really hated the ex husband, and he didn't want to divorce her, but she was fine when she needed something. example - ask him to help if she had car issues or needed some help in her apartment. She didn't do this very often but I found it weird. I always offered to help. And it felt like she was using him. - Told me that "she always gets her way" with everyone. She even showed me, and how she'll ask in a flirty way. I laughed a little but it seemed odd. - Her daughter had tried running away twice in one week and the police were involved, but this woman still went on a vacation with me to see my family ( her ex watched the kids ). It seemed an odd time to leave town, and I told her she should stay back, but she went anyway. - During a couple disagreements on the phone ( we didn't argue often ), I'd listen to her, but when I spoke she would threaten to hang-up. It seemed childish. - said she hated liars. That's fine. No one likes them. But made this point over and over and over and over again. She mention it at least every few days. Seemed like she expected me to lie to her, and yet, I never lied to her once. - Early in our relationship, she mentioned that no one has ever broke up with her. She always been the person to break it off. - Was told by co-workers that some people are scared of her at work. I didn't how this sweet person could be viewed that way. That's just a few them. I have others. Anyway, I was crazy in love about this woman, and treated her better than other one else from my past. Loved her. Listened to her. Supported her. Really treated her special but didn't smother her either. Thoughts ? I think the relationship is probably over. Is that a good thing ? I still miss her a lot and remember all the fun times I really loved her more than anyone before so do I try to get her back ? Thanks.
Inspiteofrselves Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 She definitely sounds like a woman that's been hurt. But haven't we all.
Grumpybutfun Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) No,you dodged a bullet. Do not try to get her back. She is a user and self centered. Her ex was useful and they had kids together but she couldn't maintain interest in him because she needed her own need for r instant gratification itched. When she realized how much he did for her she took him back. When you came along you were new and shiny so she played with her new toy for a while but still made sure her ex was still in her peripheral vision because she knew he would always be there for her. Narcissists like attention and for the focus to be on them. They brag about their ability to manipulate others to do what they want, and they are usually good at it because they build confidence in themselves and they pick men or women who desire to be needed and accepted. I won't even go into the rest of it because a parent doesn't go on vacation when their child has just ran away if there isn't some disorder there or they aren't Narcissists. That shows a blatant disregard for others. A mother's first concern should always be her offspring. In the future make sure the woman you date has been divorced for a while and has had some time to work through her last marriage. It sounds like she jumped from one marriage to a serious relationship before the other was finalized. Look, you saw the warning signs and in hindsight you know them as red flags so be smart and heed them and stay NC and move on in your life. The drama with this situation will continuously break your heart and keep you second guessing yourself. Best, Grumps Edited December 30, 2013 by Grumpybutfun
devilish innocent Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Yes, there are definitely indications that this woman wasn't as great as you thought she was. Her behavior with her husband and daughter seems selfish. If her co-workers are scared of her, there was very likely a whole other side to her you hadn't yet seen. Unless you were being really rude to her, threatening to hang up the phone on you is manipulative. She's probably very immature in a lot of ways despite being a mother. People are usually on their best behavior during the start of a new relationship. It generally takes at least three months to even begin to notice patterns of bad behavior. You can't be too hard on yourself for not picking up on the patterns that early. Just live and learn. Next time you will have a better idea of what to watch out for. Regarding the question of trying to get back together with her... Frankly, I don't think it's ever a dumpee's place to try to get the dumper back. Anybody who's really mature enough for a good relationship would not break-up with you until they had really thought everything through and were sure the relationship was over. If they wanted to try to work on things first, then they would tell you that. You have to respect their decision if they say are through with the relationship. If somebody is immature enough to break-up with you without a good enough reason to completely shut the door on the relationship, then they're probably not worth your time anyway. Besides, you were only with her for a few months. As intense as everything was, a lot of it was likely still infatuation on both sides. Neither of you really had time to get see all of the sides of the other person. As soon as the initial passion wore off, she was done devoting herself to the relationship. You never had time to build anything solid. I would definitely suggest letting her go. You can do much better.
Author justwonderingabout Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Grumpy, Thanks much for responding. I think you're right. It just sucks because I really loved this woman. After dating different women over the years, I really though I had finally found the one. And yes, leaving her daughter for vacation was one that really surprised me too. I kept thinking, "if my daughter had just tried to run away, i would have canceled my trip immediately". I have a fantastic 18 year old daughter in college, and the whole time she was growing up, I was always there and only put her first, everything else second. Either way, it still hurts. I really had my heart wrapped up in this relationship, and I was the best man I could be. So not only is it tough it let go of her, but i also don't want to feel like some sort of sap that was used by her.
Author justwonderingabout Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Thanks Devilish It's funny that you mention "immature", as she often referred to herself as "immature" and a "brat". Since she has two teenagers who can be a handfull, and is a corporate manager, I just figured she was joking, or acting cute. I guess I thought she would know maturity when it comes to family, relationships, business, etc., and I think a lot of times, I overlooked it.
Author justwonderingabout Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 And, of course, she called me yesterday. I didn't pick up. She left a voice mail. Something like.... "Hi. You don't have to call me back. My mom got the gift you sent for Christmas, so thanks. I'm sorry how things went down. We needed to have a conversation. I didn't know it would come to that. And the break up was probably the right decision. It just went down weird. I was feeling pretty emotional. You don't need to call me back. Just wanted to say that...that's all....Bye" Thoughts ? Is she being sincere ? I really don't think I want her back ( and don't think she wants me back since she's done using me to get through her divorce ). I didn't call or text back. Just curious what to think.
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