How to let go with so many questions...

[TxJD79]

I was introduced to ex through mutual friends. Learned early on that he'd been married for 4 years (no kids) and 2 years had passed since his divorce. I was the first person he dated after the divorce. (we are both in mid 30s). Knowing he'd been divorced, I told myself that things would have to move at a different pace and I had to be understanding of what a big life changing experience he'd gone through. So I waited for him to ask that we become exclusive, I waited for him to say i love you first, and I waited for him to suggest meeting families, work ppl, taking trips together. I was totally ok with waiting. It's not as if it took that long but I wanted to wait and let him make these moves so I could be sure that he really wanted it. After 2 years, our lives were totally mixed. Families had met several times, friends, co workers, all of that...we'd taken trips together...hawaii, paris, wherever. We'd talked about our past relationships, and marriage and he'd said point blank he wanted to marry me but still had issues he wanted to work out on his own. I offered to see a counselor and he said he didnt think so. He wasn't the best communicator when he was upset so I always made sure he knew the door was open if he wanted to complain or had an issue with me etc. Nothing. He'd send me texts or emails or in person telling me how much he loved me, that i made him happy, that he missed me (when he was traveling for work)...all unprompted.

 

He blindsided me with a breakup at the end of July. It started off with me snapping at him about something stupid, then i apologized. he said it was ok but that he didnt like how we were communicating. We talked it out and both agreed to work on things. two days later, he balks at the idea of lunch with my family for no reason. then we talk about it and he says he blew things out of proportion and that he was 100% on board with working things out. 2 days later, he says he's not sure...he doesn't think it'll work out. we're not compatible. we want different things. there's so much he wants to do. you only live once. i tried to stay calm and asked him what things he wanted that i didnt, etc. I was trying not to interrogate him but it was all a shock. After what felt like forever, he says he'd want to move in with someone before getting married again...and maybe he'd want to move out of state for work. I told him i'm 100% on board for moving in and we can talk about moving...he admitted we'd never talked about either issue before. But he was making this decision anyway. Very confusing for me. The kicker was, he still wanted me to go with him to his best friend's wedding the next week, out of town. My head was spinning. We agreed to talk more the next day and it was more of the same. me talking and him saying he didnt know, wasn't sure etc. He kept saying he felt he should know more about the relationship at this stage. But he couldnt articulate what all he wanted to know more about. I told him i couldnt go to his friend's wedding under these circumstances and that was it.

 

2 months later, i emailed him asking if he would be comfortable meeting to talk. 2 days later he responds that he cant, that it would be too hard, that he was sorry. i said ok. then i found out a month after that, that he'd been dating another friend of our mutual friends. a girl we'd met when we were together...a girl he thought was annoying. our mutual friends were shocked that (a) he would date again so soon and (b) he would date this girl. She's the polar opposite of me. He didnt date anyone for 2 years after his divorce but he jumps into a new relationship so soon? This past week he introduced her to his parents too.

 

After I learned he was dating someone new, I blocked him on facebook. Not out of anger or bitterness, but because I knew I couldn't keep myself from checking his page and that was too painful. (he doesnt have any privacy settings so unfriending him wouldnt do any good...i could still see everything). Other friends have posted happy pics of the new couple and it just knocks me back everytime i see one.

 

I know break ups arent supposed to make sense but I have no idea how to just forget when i have so many questions. And it's def. tough not to blame myself because I don't know what i did wrong.

 

Not sure what I'm expecting people to tell me in this forum..just wanted to lay this all out there somewhere.

[Yasuandio]

It's possible he was involved in some way or another (or at least considering) the OW towards the end of your relationship - per his distancing, and reluctance to discuss matters. In all likelihood, it is a rebound - and most times, they are not at all fulfilling once you're free to proceed.

 

What you need to do is let go, allow the bird to fly away, and apply good 'ole NC, period. No calls, emails, smoke signals, nothing. Get his stuff out of your face - pack it, stick it out of sight. Change up your house, and most importantly - work on yourself. Hair, clothes, make-over, new look. Walk tall and confident. Move on, and or fake it till you make it.

 

For sure observe the 180's - in my link in signature line. Do not call him, nor respond to his calls or texts, come HERE first for advice. If u want him back, NC is your best bet - but dont count on it. Look up "Barky's" thread for the brokenhearted, he has some great points about the magic of NC. It is a very popular thread!

 

So, Im basically telling you to do nothing UNLESS it is for yourself. It's all about YOU now Yas

[TxJD79]

Thank you Yasuandio. Friends tell me he wasn't cheating but you're right, there's no way to be 100% sure. Even from day 1, he was always reluctant to discuss things when he was upset. I'd always say i never wanted to go to bed angry and i'd end up forcing a conversation. He said that was just his way. go figure. I know i'm not supposed to want him back. Why want someone back who doesnt want you right? right. But it's still tough. he wasn't hateful or mean at any point in the relationship or the breakup. he wasn't abusive in anyway. yes the communication thing is HUGE but i thought every couple had that issue and it was something that can be worked on. I should mention he told a mutual friend he didnt feel the spark. so i've been beating myself up over that..was it because I'd gained weight and wasn't into sex as much? (I've lost all the weight and more now..it's amazing how a breakup does that). After the one time i emailed him (2 months after the breakup), i haven't made any efforts to contact him. nothing. i dont even drive in the area around his house even though I have to go through it to get to work..i changed my route. i know my situation is not unique at all. it's just hard. i know no relationship is perfect..but to be blindsided...heck, his parents were asking my parents if they'd heard any engagement talk...friends too...how is it that everyone around us, including me, was thinking we were headed to marriage and here he was looking for a way out. it's hard. and i know they're all hard. so tough not to blame myself..for being frustrated towards the end about him not proposing....nagging about him not being responsive. i'd give anything for a second chance. but who knows if i was even a factor. im told i shouldnt blame myself. easier said than done when he made it seem like i was an issue..even though he did it in a nice way. no idea. i know no one can give me answers. but i appreciate the forum to get this off my chest.

[Yasuandio]

There is no "supposed to feel" a certain way about any relationship, no matter how either person treated one or the other. You feel how you feel because you are who you've become though your life experiences. There is no textbook right or wrong way to feel.

 

There are though, recommendations on how to respond. And for now, I believe you need to look into full NC and the 180's, for YOURSELF. Take this as a time to improve in the areas you see fit.

 

One thing you mentioned I might be able to identify with is periods of weight gain and weight loss during my marriage. Oddly enough, a few months away from him (overseas - where he abandonded me whilst on vacation) took me from a size 16 (tent dress) down to a size 6 (tight junior size low-riders!). I looked and felt like a different person. I didn't even try to lose the weight. I just suddenly started feeling good about myself again. our marriage ended in divorce last year due to his newness to me.

 

This happened also in the 90's when he took a leave of absence (I mean pack his stuff and disappeared) from the marriage. Boom, total make-over for me. I was like a cammellion - bright colored Jones of New York suits, a cute assytrical haircut, and the pounds melted off! I really had it going on when I emerged that Fall semester at the University where I taught. A couple months away from him - total transformation.

 

When I look back - I wish I had gone through with the divorce in 1994. Managing my difficult work along with his pissy and hateful disposition I believe contributed to my early illnesses that caused me to have to leave my profession (depression/extreme anxiety/panic disorder). And I hold him responsible for the bi-polar 2 disease, strong symtoms I began to develop while alone overseas. It does run in my family - so there. Is a propensity. Bit my doctor believes the shock of being abandoned at nightfall in a small Greek village without my medication or glasses, and only a few hundred US dollars was enough to push me over the edge.

 

Point is ... Weight gain happens to me, I think, when I'm trying to fill an empty hole - with food. Something within me was relieved obviously when he was away. It is difficult to admit, but I loved a man that made it his mission to hurt my self esteem. I'm embarrassed to say I still love him. It's sickness or fear within me. I have to have quite a bit of therapeutic care due to my confused state.

 

I tell u this story so you think about if you really want to wast another decade or two like I did - when you already have some answers about his character up front now. I was, still am, an extremely smart, and highly inteigent woman, with an earned Ph.D. However, there is no possible way I can earn a living, I am completely disabled. And I felt, and still feel just as you did and do. Sometimes, for the same reasons (loss of love) - but also for different reasons, now (I have a serious illness and no one to be with me or care for me). But the latter parenthesised statement is what drives me to thrive to be as tough as nails. If I can do it, you can do it. NC.

 

I hope these thoughts help you. Yas

Edited December 30, 2013 by Yasuandio

[stillafool]

Thank you Yasuandio. Friends tell me he wasn't cheating but you're right, there's no way to be 100% sure. Even from day 1, he was always reluctant to discuss things when he was upset. I'd always say i never wanted to go to bed angry and i'd end up forcing a conversation. He said that was just his way. go figure. I know i'm not supposed to want him back. Why want someone back who doesnt want you right? right. But it's still tough. he wasn't hateful or mean at any point in the relationship or the breakup. he wasn't abusive in anyway. yes the communication thing is HUGE but i thought every couple had that issue and it was something that can be worked on. I should mention he told a mutual friend he didnt feel the spark. so i've been beating myself up over that..was it because I'd gained weight and wasn't into sex as much? (I've lost all the weight and more now..it's amazing how a breakup does that). After the one time i emailed him (2 months after the breakup), i haven't made any efforts to contact him. nothing. i dont even drive in the area around his house even though I have to go through it to get to work..i changed my route. i know my situation is not unique at all. it's just hard. i know no relationship is perfect..but to be blindsided...heck, his parents were asking my parents if they'd heard any engagement talk...friends too...how is it that everyone around us, including me, was thinking we were headed to marriage and here he was looking for a way out. it's hard. and i know they're all hard. so tough not to blame myself..for being frustrated towards the end about him not proposing....nagging about him not being responsive. i'd give anything for a second chance. but who knows if i was even a factor. im told i shouldnt blame myself. easier said than done when he made it seem like i was an issue..even though he did it in a nice way. no idea. i know no one can give me answers. but i appreciate the forum to get this off my chest.

 

I think this was the key. He may have known that you were excellent wife material; hardworking, loving, family loves you and all the other good qualities that a man looks for in a wife you have. Him not feeling a "spark" which I think he meant "passion" with you is what may have made him pause. I think he may have met the other woman towards the end of your relationship and whatever happened between them caused the breakup. You seem like a very together and genuine person and deserve to be with someone who feels everything with you, including passion.

[TxJD79]

thank you stillafool,

 

i have to accept that i'll never know the reason. when i heard about the spark comment, i kept thinking what happened? where did the spark go? what did i do or what could i have done? he always told me the weight gain didnt bother him..that i was beautiful etc. but who knows what he was feeling internally...he's a nice guy so maybe he wasnt being truthful about the weight gain because it would be hurtful. i was and am still confused by the spark comment. Did he feel the spark when he proposed to his first wife? Did the spark keep that marriage together? (she's the one that asked for the divorce). But those aren't fair questions to ask either. I was just surprised that he started a new relationship so fast even if he was thinking about things before the end...he didnt date anyone after his divorce. hard to believe he didnt see/find anyone worthy in that time. but again...it doesnt do me any good to try and guess at what he did or was thinking etc. Easier said than done.

[stillafool]

I doubt if it was the weight. When men really love and want a woman a few extra pounds won't matter. Try not to beat yourself up over this, but I know it's hard. What questions do you have for him?

[TxJD79]

I dont think i could put together a set list of questions. Obviously each answer he gives will prompt more questions. In my profession, that's what we do. We ask questions and compel answers. Doesn't translate well in real life. I wanted to know why it took him so long to decide he wasn't happy? why we went to paris and kissed on the lovers bridge and all that jazz if he wasnt happy? did he really think going on these trips would help him make a decision? why did he flip flop in that last week when i gave him outs...i told him he could leave and he said he was 100% on board...and then not so much. why didnt he bring up any of the compatibility issues he thought we had? did he think i changed? i dont see it but if he did, then he did. i cant even think of all the questions. they dont matter now.

[TxJD79]

Just found out ex broke up with the new girl. Sigh. I know I'm not supposed to care, but….

[LadyM]

Just found out ex broke up with the new girl. Sigh. I know I'm not supposed to care, but….

 

Wow....Let us know if he contacts you.

[TxJD79]

Will do. I have no reason to think he'll contact me though. After he ended things, I never contacted him again and he never contacted me. For those wondering about NC and if it really works, I guess I'd have to say it def. helps in the long run. For me, it helped me get over that routine I had with the ex of always talking, texting, emailing. Don't get me wrong, even today, I still want to hear from him and talk etc, but before, in the first month or so, I would pick up my phone and start to text him or dial his number etc..I don't have that urge anymore. So that's something.

[devastated777]

Keep us posted. I would like to hear if he contacts you. I'm thinking he will unless he has pride and ego. Doesn't mean he wont resist the urge. Rebounds never work.

[TxJD79]

I guess most people have some level of pride and ego. I haven't changed my number or email. But I did block him on facebook after I found out he was seeing this new girl. I didn't do it out of hatred or anger. I just didn't want to see pictures of the two of them...which didn't work. Because mutual friends posted stuff on Instagram. Oh the joys of social media.

 

I didn't mention that this new girl threw me into the mix. Ex and I have a mutual friend. This friend tells me that ex told her that during the break up conversation, new girl told him that I'd contacted her to discuss our mutual relationships. Of course this never happened. I have no way to contact her and I'd never want to contact her. It gets better. When mutual friend asked new girl if she actually said that i'd contacted her, new girl denies saying this. I swear I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. And I don't know how else to type it so it makes sense. Either way, she's insane. Mutual friend knows this new girl well and says she's a nice person but a pathological liar who lies about big things. Clearly!

 

I don't know if I should unblock ex or not. I dont want it to seem like I'm totally swooping in.

[TxJD79]

Still no word from ex since he broke up with his rebound. Lovely.

[jphcbpa]

Still no word from ex since he broke up with his rebound. Lovely.

 

keep working on you. keep moving on

 

if he contacts, come here first. NC

[LadyM]

Still no word from ex since he broke up with his rebound. Lovely.

 

It's disappointing, for sure. I wonder if he's trying to work on things with her or if this is a permanent break. Have you heard any news about him from your mutual friend?

[TxJD79]

I don't think he's trying to work on things with her. He ended it with her for some pretty permanent reasons. And after the breakup learned she was a pathological liar. Apparently she told him that i'd contacted her and met with her to discuss our mutual relationships. this never happened. I have no way to contact her and i dont have any REASON to contact her. Our mutual friend says that she asked this girl if I really met with her...girl denies having ever made such a statement to the ex. I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to.

 

I know I'm not supposed to care etc. It's just tough. Our breakup wasn't ugly or mean or hateful. He wanted to end it and I cried and left it at that. So who knows.

 

The 2nd anniversary of his brother's passing is coming up this week. I'm on the fence about whether I should send him and his parents a short email like I did last year (when we were together) or leave it alone.

[LadyM]

Yeah, it doesn't sound like he'd be wanting to get back together with her.

 

I know that most on this site would tell you not to contact him or the family on the 2nd anniversary and that NC is always best, but I think you should do what your heart and mind tells you is best. It is never a bad thing to remember the family on such a sorrowful occasion. Just be prepared for, at the very least, a minimal response and try to gauge in advance if that will make you feel worse or if you will still be glad that you noted the occasion.

[TxJD79]

Very true LadyM. I'm right there with you. I haven't contacted him for any other occasion like birthdays or holidays etc. I'm still on the fence. I dont want this to be interpreted as some sort of ploy to get him back etc. It's too important of a day for that.

[LadyM]

Like you said, the relationship was not ended on a bad note so I don't think this will be seen as a ploy to get him back, rather, a good-will gesture because you were once part of each others lives. No need to make a snap decision -- the right answer will come in time.

[singme2sleep]

Your breakup is similar to mine. I got a vague excuse but no real answers and my ex was with a new girl by the 3rd month we were apart...

 

It's more difficult to move on when you don't have the answers. My therapist told me that we don't always get to know and that sucks.

 

So I just wanted to say you're not alone...chin up because I believe that down the line it begins to make sense.

[TxJD79]

well here's an update. A mutual friend of me and my ex told me he'd probably appreciate a note from me on the anniversary of his brother's passing so i sent him a one line email saying i hope he was doing ok. he responded and said my note really helped and that he'd pass it along to his parents. he also asked me to hug my puppy and nephew for him (he really loved both of them). so that was really nice.

[LadyM]

So glad it worked out well for you!

[TxJD79]

yea. I guess this was the best i could have hoped for. Before I emailed him, I told myself not to expect anything. No response. Now that i got a response, I just want so much more. I know that's not right. Nothing I can do about it. Just gotta live my life.

[TxJD79]

Having a weak moment/day so I had to stop by. Every day that I don't do something stupid like contacting my ex, etc. I count as a win. Sad. But it is what it is.