Artie Lang Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 this is the rollercoaster of reconciliation.
Author Ap22 Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 It's a good start, but WHY did she cheat? I agree that something in me changed as I cheated, but there's also something in her that allowed her to cheat. What was it? Was it boundary issues? Commitment issues? Validation issues? Selfishness? This is what allowed her to change into someone who would cheat, and this is what needs to be addressed. It started with the gym. She got into a major health kick, then she started getting a big social circle. Her friends got younger, she would get a huge head when everyone started freaking out that she was 40. They all thought she was late 20s. Keep in mind, she was very selfish, had very low self esteem, and always cared about what others thought of her. We couldnt eat at certain places because someone might see her. We had to go to the "rich" mall to shop, even if it was out of the way. She was/is a weak person and that always bothered me. She started having a MLC, was obsessed with getting younger and better looking, wanted to hang out with her young single friends all the time. Then my stepsons father started noticing and flirting with her when he came to pick him up on the weekends. It was probably exciting and dangerous and she took him up on his advances.
drifter777 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 It started with the gym. She got into a major health kick, then she started getting a big social circle. Her friends got younger, she would get a huge head when everyone started freaking out that she was 40. They all thought she was late 20s. Keep in mind, she was very selfish, had very low self esteem, and always cared about what others thought of her. We couldnt eat at certain places because someone might see her. We had to go to the "rich" mall to shop, even if it was out of the way. She was/is a weak person and that always bothered me. She started having a MLC, was obsessed with getting younger and better looking, wanted to hang out with her young single friends all the time. Then my stepsons father started noticing and flirting with her when he came to pick him up on the weekends. It was probably exciting and dangerous and she took him up on his advances. Wow, you've thought of lots of great excuses. With all of this for your poor WW to deal with, why can't you just get over all this cheating nonsense and move on?
peruano99 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 This is what I struggle with the most during R. Its been just under 2 months since dday. Things are better, but still very fresh wounds. I'm just conflicted on how I am supposed to be in this marriage. If I try to get past it and live life like I used to, loving her, supporting her, I feel like I'm rug sweeping. If I live pissed off and hating her, well, that does no good. I'm struggling to find that balance of living life normally but still carrying this enormous weight of her affair. I dont want to keep blaming her/hating on her all the time, but I dont want to rug sweep this either. So confused..... You know I still can't understand why she had an affair with a man who got her pregnant and abandoned her. Did she give you a reason why she went back to him?
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I can absolutely relate! This sucks! Especially facing a new year. I'm about five months into this journey and I wish I wasn't. This is what I struggle with the most during R. Its been just under 2 months since dday. Things are better, but still very fresh wounds. I'm just conflicted on how I am supposed to be in this marriage. If I try to get past it and live life like I used to, loving her, supporting her, I feel like I'm rug sweeping. If I live pissed off and hating her, well, that does no good. I'm struggling to find that balance of living life normally but still carrying this enormous weight of her affair. I dont want to keep blaming her/hating on her all the time, but I dont want to rug sweep this either. So confused.....
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 It's a good start, but WHY did she cheat? I agree that something in me changed as I cheated, but there's also something in her that allowed her to cheat. What was it? Was it boundary issues? Commitment issues? Validation issues? Selfishness? This is what allowed her to change into someone who would cheat, and this is what needs to be addressed. It's not enough to feel remorse. Cheating isn't something that happened to her. It's something she did. It's perfectly possible for someone to feel remorse, then cheat again later. She has to put things in place to keep it from happening the next time the opportunity presents itself. This is normal, and a good sign. I'd love to know why my husband cheated. That's for sure.....
peruano99 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Wow, you've thought of lots of great excuses. With all of this for your poor WW to deal with, why can't you just get over all this cheating nonsense and move on? What does his poor wife have to deal with?
compulsivedancer Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 It started with the gym. She got into a major health kick, then she started getting a big social circle. Her friends got younger, she would get a huge head when everyone started freaking out that she was 40. They all thought she was late 20s. Keep in mind, she was very selfish, had very low self esteem, and always cared about what others thought of her. We couldnt eat at certain places because someone might see her. We had to go to the "rich" mall to shop, even if it was out of the way. She was/is a weak person and that always bothered me. She started having a MLC, was obsessed with getting younger and better looking, wanted to hang out with her young single friends all the time. Then my stepsons father started noticing and flirting with her when he came to pick him up on the weekends. It was probably exciting and dangerous and she took him up on his advances. So how has she changed? What has she our in place to keep this from happening again (especially if OM is the father of her kid and she cannot have complete NC)? Is she working on healthy outlets for validation and self esteem? Is she learning to be less selfish? Is she finding new friends (or old friends) that will help her be the good person she wants to be? It's not enough to just identify why it happened. It's putting boundaries in place and fixing the behaviors and thought redirecting the thought processes that allowed it to happen. THIS, more than anything, is what it means to do the work. 1
drifter777 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 What does his poor wife have to deal with? Tongue in cheek, pal. Check out his last couple posts where he is giving all the reasons to excuse his cheating wife.
compulsivedancer Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 (edited) I'd love to know why my husband cheated. That's for sure..... He can't give you a satisfactory answer. But it does seem like selfishness, validation issues and conflict avoidance are the common themes, as well as commitment issues and boundary issues. The key is not figuring it out and telling the BS about it (although it's certainly helpful to give the BS answers). It's figuring out where you went wrong and learning from your mistakes. Then going one step further to arm yourself against future problems. For example, I know that sexually I am a weak person, in the sense that I give in easily under pressure. While dating, I handled this by never going home with anyone I wasn't interested in fooling around with. I would kiss in public, but by not taking them home, I didn't have to do anything. Great "automator," as my H calls them, if you're aware of the issue. However, I did not realize the depths of my boundary issues before the A. I didn't realize to what extent this means I have to be careful about any one-on-one contact with a guy. This means I have to be very careful to keep all teasing out of the flirtatious zone. (This also means I am very careful to keep all PMs on LS fairly formal, etc, and make sure H is aware of any new friendships I make.) I also struggle with every item on the list above. Therefore, I have to find ways to find validation in my own life. I needed to learn what commitment truly looks like. I am having to learn to be less selfish and more aware of others' needs, which includes being a better listener and being more caring and compassionate, etc. There is a lot of work to be done, and a lot of it is lifetime learning. I dont have to succeed every day at every goal, but I can feel the difference, and H can too. He says he feels that I truly love him the way he's always loved me for the first time in our life together (this is because I am committed now as I wasn't before). This is the reason for IC after an A. It's a lot of work to identify and address these issues, and it's good to have a safe place to explore them. Edited December 31, 2013 by compulsivedancer 1
peruano99 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 It seems the OP is making excuses why she cheated. 2
beach Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Instead of being that weak woman that constantly needed outside validation - how has she changed her core to become a woman of strength and courage that values herself completely? Unless she's in that new place - she has a ton of work ahead of her to get change happening for herself...and then to offer her healthier self to you! Since she went once to counseling and then didn't make her growth and change HER top priority - she needs a big nudge to get back to doing her part in this = which is being responsible for the damage she caused and setting things right after doing some major soul searching. You can't do it for her. If she's not willing to do her part in it - this is as good as it may get. 1
HurtHalo79 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 AP, we may as well be reading off the same life script! My D-Day of my wife's 7 week affair was two months ago and I am going through the exact same feelings. I completely know the feeling of feeling like she is 'getting away with it', especially when life in public has to carry on as usual while your anger simmers away at the core of your being. I'm not wearing my wedding ring at the moment, and I know it is upsetting my wife. Good. If she has to feel one scintilla of the pain I am feeling, it will possibly serve her right. A big part of the conflict I am feeling is that I read all of their affair correspondence to each other in the aftermath, and now I keep re-reading it in my mind. Their feeling of declared love were real enough for them at the tine of the affair, so how are we supposed to just expect they have turned them off once they got caught? And if they truly have turned them off, what does that say for their capacity to have done the same to us? My wife sounds like yours, she got fit and got sucked in by thr first workmate that fluttered her eyes at her. Her ego got fed, and now here we are...we're supposed to just put it down to a mistake and crack on with our marriages. Our wedding anniversary is coming up over the weekend and my wife is excited because we'll be attending a friend's wedding up in the wine country. I have no intention of celebrating our second anniversary under the circumstances, as I just see thay date as an observance of the day my wife threw our vows under the affair bus. I broke into tears last night in bed for no reason and when my wife went to comfort me I recoiled in disgust. Keep me posted mate....it sounds like we are in the same place emotionally. Still so much anger perculating despite wanting to show love.
peruano99 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 AP, we may as well be reading off the same life script! My D-Day of my wife's 7 week affair was two months ago and I am going through the exact same feelings. I completely know the feeling of feeling like she is 'getting away with it', especially when life in public has to carry on as usual while your anger simmers away at the core of your being. I'm not wearing my wedding ring at the moment, and I know it is upsetting my wife. Good. If she has to feel one scintilla of the pain I am feeling, it will possibly serve her right. A big part of the conflict I am feeling is that I read all of their affair correspondence to each other in the aftermath, and now I keep re-reading it in my mind. Their feeling of declared love were real enough for them at the tine of the affair, so how are we supposed to just expect they have turned them off once they got caught? And if they truly have turned them off, what does that say for their capacity to have done the same to us? My wife sounds like yours, she got fit and got sucked in by thr first workmate that fluttered her eyes at her. Her ego got fed, and now here we are...we're supposed to just put it down to a mistake and crack on with our marriages. Our wedding anniversary is coming up over the weekend and my wife is excited because we'll be attending a friend's wedding up in the wine country. I have no intention of celebrating our second anniversary under the circumstances, as I just see thay date as an observance of the day my wife threw our vows under the affair bus. I broke into tears last night in bed for no reason and when my wife went to comfort me I recoiled in disgust. Keep me posted mate....it sounds like we are in the same place emotionally. Still so much anger perculating despite wanting to show love. Your wife's affair was an EA or a physical one?
HurtHalo79 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Peruano: An EA which was just starting to ramp up to a PA. I.e. no sex, but heavy petting in parks near their work. Still just as bad in my mind...
Author Ap22 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 We have our second round of MC wednesday so we'll see how that goes. Yesterday might have been a perfect example of what I feel. I was in my man cave watching football. I watched the first game and then started enjoying the second. The angel on my shoulder told me I should go upstairs with her and spend time with her. The devil on the other shoulder said "Screw her, she screwed another guy! You do what you want". Then the angel said "dont ignore her and go spend some time with her" to which the devil replied "Screw her, she screwed another guy! Do what you want!" I think I'm turning into Gollum/Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.
road Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 We have our second round of MC wednesday so we'll see how that goes. Yesterday might have been a perfect example of what I feel. I was in my man cave watching football. I watched the first game and then started enjoying the second. The angel on my shoulder told me I should go upstairs with her and spend time with her. The devil on the other shoulder said "Screw her, she screwed another guy! You do what you want". Then the angel said "dont ignore her and go spend some time with her" to which the devil replied "Screw her, she screwed another guy! Do what you want!" I think I'm turning into Gollum/Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. You ignored her before the affair and that made your WW unhappy. You have the choice to not ignore her now. Neither one should be ignoring each other now.
Author Ap22 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 You ignored her before the affair and that made your WW unhappy. Where exactly did you get this information from? This woman was never ignored. She was always shown love and could never say she was ever ignored. No, her affair was a result of her selfishness and her need to feel young and carefree again.
peruano99 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) I read some of your posts and the thing that makes me a bit mad is that a lot of people who cheat lose weight, etc to look good. When they reconcile with their BS, they stop caring about their physique. Didn't you slept with her while she had a toned physique AP? Since you said you didn't enjoy her toned body. Edited January 7, 2014 by peruano99
Author Ap22 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I read some of your posts and the thing that makes me a bit mad is that a lot of people who cheat lose weight, etc to look good. When they reconcile with their BS, they stop caring about their physique. Didn't you slept with her while she had a toned physique AP? Since you said you didn't enjoy her toned body. Yeah I did, but it was duty sex and about as exciting as humping a dead log. She asked if it would be okay to rejoin her gym and I told her yes. With the HB going on, now she keeps telling me she wants to be sexy for me and for the first time, shes going out and buying sexy lingerie to wear for me. Sex is so good right now which is a double edged sword for me. I'm loving every minute of it, but it still pisses me off why it wasnt like this all along. I have to give it to her, she is trying her ass off to make it up. I know she knows that what she did was the worst thing she could possibly do, but I still dont think she understands the level of damage that was done. I dont think anyone can know unless it happens to you.
Scott Thomas Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 My sincere condolences. I'm going to be honest- you're in a pretty though spot. Keep working hard on the reconciliation, if that's your goal. On the otherhand, your wife should face some serious consequences; any in this particular case? Tell her that if she falters again, you won't hesitate to find a replacement.
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