How am I supposed to act?

[Ap22]

This is what I struggle with the most during R. Its been just under 2 months since dday. Things are better, but still very fresh wounds. I'm just conflicted on how I am supposed to be in this marriage. If I try to get past it and live life like I used to, loving her, supporting her, I feel like I'm rug sweeping.

 

If I live pissed off and hating her, well, that does no good.

 

I'm struggling to find that balance of living life normally but still carrying this enormous weight of her affair. I dont want to keep blaming her/hating on her all the time, but I dont want to rug sweep this either.

 

So confused.....

[whatatangledweb]

If you need to talk about it then talk to her. If you feel loving then it's ok to be that way. You will go back and forth. That first year is hard. You don't know what to feel or who you are anymore. Rugsweeping is where you act as though the affair never happened. You don't speak of it. You can be loving and not be rugsweeping. Everything would be fine then I would trigger. I didn't hide it I told him how I was feeling. Act the way you feel . Talk when you need to talk.

[Fredflintstone]

Just say what you feel, if you're p*ssed off, be p*ssed off. If you feel vulnerable, let it out. What ever you do, don't bottle it up. It's not been that long for me either so I kind of know where your head is at. Had a bit of an argument last night myself, called her a b*tch for the way she's treated me. Just spill your emotions or you'll cause more damage and besides your wife will feel really bad when she see's how much it's affected you. Might help her resolve to never put herself in that situation again.

[Ap22]

I just hate how needy I feel....but I need her affection.....never was like that before. If I expect her to be affectionate in a certain situation, and she doesnt do it, even if shes been perfect the whole night, I get pissed. I dont like that but thats how I feel now....

 

If I hug her/kiss her, the next minute I want to show her how mad I am at her. If I get mad at her for the affair and she starts breaking down, all I want to do is hold her......

 

I told her I still love her, but my heart is hardened and its now filled with anger/hate/disgust, along with the love. I rarely tell her I love her anymore, and even then its when she is begging me to tell her after shes told me. I want to tell her, I just cant. Another internal conflict.

 

I told her I know we are good and have finished this long, hard journey of R when I can tell her I love her without any hesitation or conflict.

 

The internal struggle is the hardest part to deal with for me.

[harrybrown]

have the two of you gone to counseling?

 

One of the suggestions I received was to set a certain time to discuss the affair. This does not mean you hide your emotions. Your WS also has to be full of remorse and trying. It did help to write questions and to sometimes get answers. Some things get resolved, certain things seem like they never get resolved.

 

I do wish you well. I am still going back and forth.

[Ap22]

have the two of you gone to counseling?

 

One of the suggestions I received was to set a certain time to discuss the affair. This does not mean you hide your emotions. Your WS also has to be full of remorse and trying. It did help to write questions and to sometimes get answers. Some things get resolved, certain things seem like they never get resolved.

 

I do wish you well. I am still going back and forth.

 

We've been to one, but we canceled the second one because one of us couldnt get off work and then then the holidays made the schedule tough. Probably wont go back until next week sometime.

 

My wife is extremely remorseful and shes done everything right so far. If I go to many days without showing my anger/hurt, I get angry/hurt. Its almost as if I'm afraid she is forgetting what she did and I want her to be constantly reminded like I am.

 

Ever since dday, I've had a minor case of insomnia. I still get sleep, but its not very good and I wake constantly. Also have a bad habit of waking up at 330am every night and by the time I get back to sleep, my alarm is about to go off. Meanwhile, I see her sleeping like a baby and it pisses me off. I want to wake her and make her stay up with me. I never had insomnia or sleep issues before, its all a result of the discovery of the affair. Part of me wants to make sure if I cant sleep, neither should she.

 

So I live everyday walking a fine line of wanting to love her and lash out at her.

[experiencethedevine]

This is what I struggle with the most during R. Its been just under 2 months since dday. Things are better, but still very fresh wounds. I'm just conflicted on how I am supposed to be in this marriage. If I try to get past it and live life like I used to, loving her, supporting her, I feel like I'm rug sweeping.

 

If I live pissed off and hating her, well, that does no good.

 

I'm struggling to find that balance of living life normally but still carrying this enormous weight of her affair. I dont want to keep blaming her/hating on her all the time, but I dont want to rug sweep this either.

 

So confused.....

 

 

My dear chap, you are merely moments into your recovery, so please give yourself the opportunity to feel all those roller coaster emotions so that you are able to understand what they are and why they need to be expressed.

 

 

You are valiantly fighting hard to contain a very traumatic experience. Believe me, this is monumental, and what you are experiencing is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

 

 

I would recommend that whatever your feeling, for now, take a breath in to a steady count of 5, out to the same, and if this doesn't work and you are in a quandary and don't know what to do about your feeling, then take a walk outside, phone a chum, whatever it takes to distract you momentarily until you are able to view the feeling rationally.

 

 

My dear Mum, as I have mentioned here before, gave me great advice when I was young. She told me,: "Darling, if you don't know what to do right now, then do nothing until you do".

 

 

I have lived by it and saved myself some serious consequences and heartache.

 

 

Thinking of you. Chin up. It WILL get better, I promise you that.

[experiencethedevine]

We've been to one, but we canceled the second one because one of us couldnt get off work and then then the holidays made the schedule tough. Probably wont go back until next week sometime.

 

My wife is extremely remorseful and shes done everything right so far. If I go to many days without showing my anger/hurt, I get angry/hurt. Its almost as if I'm afraid she is forgetting what she did and I want her to be constantly reminded like I am.

 

Ever since dday, I've had a minor case of insomnia. I still get sleep, but its not very good and I wake constantly. Also have a bad habit of waking up at 330am every night and by the time I get back to sleep, my alarm is about to go off. Meanwhile, I see her sleeping like a baby and it pisses me off. I want to wake her and make her stay up with me. I never had insomnia or sleep issues before, its all a result of the discovery of the affair. Part of me wants to make sure if I cant sleep, neither should she.

 

So I live everyday walking a fine line of wanting to love her and lash out at her.

 

 

 

 

This I understand also. It's as if we must remind them of the damage so that they NEVER do this again because we don't let them forget it.

 

 

See your GP about your sleeping habit. It is terrible that our bodies respond so dramatically to psychological trauma, but it needs rest in order to help with healing.

 

 

You will find that most people here will empathise with all your symptoms and stressors and you will receive wonderfully beneficial advice I'm sure.

 

 

Take heart and know that you can and you will get through this, but it is a process that you simply cannot circumnavigate it, one must work through it.

[Fluttershy]

My opinion of rugsweeping is where you "pretend" it never happened and require no changes from the WS. Some people think rugsweeping is when you don't beat your spouse over the head daily and remind then constantly that they are a sorry excuse of a human being. I think rugsweeping is a problem when the BS is conflict avoiding and burying their anger and pain. So many bad things happen when you internalize. Rugsweeping on the WS part is when they are not truly remorseful and don't want to deal with their issues. Repeat behaviour is more likely when that happens. Rugsweeping on the BS side can also occur when the BS WS isn't in true remorse but the BS is offering cheap forgiveness.

 

I believe it is better to use self control and learn how to approach things in a direct way that does not involve name calling, screaming, or other such behaviour. By not learning to express your feelings and needs in a healthy way it can lead to fita of rage. Not to say you won't have times where you lose it, wel all do, but the goal is to deal with things before there is a danger of losing it.

 

You haven't mentioned what triggers you except bein happy, which is commong btw. So lets use your nighttime waking. Have you told your wife about it? If either my husband or I are struggling in the night we have woke the other person up. We love each other and want to be there for each other whether it is the middle of night or during work hours. He is the single most important person in my life.

 

You need to tell your wife to stop manipulating you into saying ILYs. You can do so kindly but tell her you will say I love you again when you are ready. That being said. Stop holding yourself to arbitrary rules. Say I love you when you know you mean it not some moment of being "recovered" that may never come. Some people say I love you right away and some never say it again (though I don't think the latter is healthy for reconciliation). There is nothin wrong with loving and building up a WS. I encourage you to read the five love languages after some time has passed and request your wife does the same. And to tell her and yourself that the book is not about looking at where your spouse lacks in the area of being loving but to show you practical ways yourself how to show your spouse that you love them.

 

If your wife is sad, don't be so hard on yoursel for holding her. It seems in your reconciliation the biggest hurdle you have to face is giving yourself a break.

 

Did you ever try MC again?

 

Oops just saw you did.

[Buckeye2]

I think what is most troubling about R is everything superficially goes back to normal and it appears that the WS got away with it without paying a price. I would recommend two things:

 

1. Take off your wedding ring and take hers. Tell her that your wedding anniversary is no longer valid and will not be celebrated. IF there is a time in the future when you feel that you can trust her, you MIGHT renew your vows and get new rings. That will by your anniversary date.

 

2. Tell her that you WILL be triggering for years. She has made your life hell so it’s just something that she has to put up with if you say together. If she’s not up for that, go now.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I think what is most troubling about R is everything superficially goes back to normal and it appears that the WS got away with it without paying a price. I would recommend two things:[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]1.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Take off your wedding ring and take hers. Tell her that your wedding anniversary is no longer valid and will not be celebrated. IF there is a time in the future when you feel that you can trust her, you MIGHT renew your vows and get new rings. That will by your anniversary date.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]2.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Tell her that you WILL be triggering for years. She has made your life hell so it’s just something that she has to put up with if you say together. If she’s not up for that, go now.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

 

 

Appearances are deceiving. I can't imagine one situation where things go back to "normal". Most couples in recovery/reconciliation might try to go on as normal publicly, but in private they know things aren't right.

 

 

No WS gets off scott free - even if it appears that way.

[Buckeye2]

I think what is most troubling about R is everything superficially goes back to normal and it appears that the WS got away with it without paying a price.

 

Example: You are having a nice family event and everyone looks happy.

[Ap22]

Some people think rugsweeping is when you don't beat your spouse over the head daily and remind then constantly that they are a sorry excuse of a human being. I think rugsweeping is a problem when the BS is conflict avoiding and burying their anger and pain. So many bad things happen when you internalize.

 

I fall into this category. I dont really pretend it didnt happen, I just do whatever i can not to think about it. However, the reason I feel like this is because I'm not constantly telling her how sorry of a person she is and what a horrible mother she was. I know that wont help anyone, but there is a large part of me that just wants to come home everyday and call her a whore. Lots of anger in me still.

 

You haven't mentioned what triggers you except bein happy, which is commong btw. So lets use your nighttime waking. Have you told your wife about it? If either my husband or I are struggling in the night we have woke the other person up. We love each other and want to be there for each other whether it is the middle of night or during work hours. He is the single most important person in my life.

 

The biggest trigger really is TV. Seems you cant watch anything without sex on it. I was working out the other day and watching my favorite tv show ever, 24. Lucky me picked this episode where a woman was having an affair and met some guy in a hotel. Holy crap did this set me off!

 

Other than that, the mental images that randomly pop in my head. Especially hard when I'm having sex with her and I wonder if this is the way he had her.

 

Shes been doing what she can to help me sleep, but I find if she doesnt do it all the time, I get upset. I've turned very needy for her affection when I never was like that before. I just need that constant reassurance and I dont like that.

 

 

You need to tell your wife to stop manipulating you into saying ILYs. You can do so kindly but tell her you will say I love you again when you are ready. That being said. Stop holding yourself to arbitrary rules. Say I love you when you know you mean it not some moment of being "recovered" that may never come.

 

Thats another difficult part because I still love her, I just cant tell her anymore. I told her the other day I'm still here because I love her, its just that she hardened my heart and filled it with anger and disgust. I told her once the anger/disgust is gone, then I can feel true love for her again. I even told her 51% of my heart hates her, 49% loves her and the kids are what pushed this into her favor for R. Its going to be a long, hard journey to get my heart back to 100% for her. I've told her a couple times "I love you too" but its been out of force of habit. She started crying when I told her and got excited but I let her know it was a slip.

 

 

Thanks to everyone on the replies. I never imagined the self conflict being the hardest part of recovery.

[Ap22]

I think what is most troubling about R is everything superficially goes back to normal and it appears that the WS got away with it without paying a price. I would recommend two things:

 

1. Take off your wedding ring and take hers. Tell her that your wedding anniversary is no longer valid and will not be celebrated. IF there is a time in the future when you feel that you can trust her, you MIGHT renew your vows and get new rings. That will by your anniversary date.

 

2. Tell her that you WILL be triggering for years. She has made your life hell so it’s just something that she has to put up with if you say together. If she’s not up for that, go now.

 

Way ahead of you on that one. I have to remind myself that even though she still has me and the family intact, she didnt just get away with it. Thats the hardest part to understand for me though. I constantly feel like shes getting away with it and it triggers me hard.

[Fluttershy]

I think a problem in R isn't alwys tht the WS feels nothing or just wants it all togo away but what really can they do? I have read here long enough to know reactions to a singular even can be all over the place. Some wan the WS to apologize and share their triggers. Others get upset qhen the WS brings the A up. Or want to call all the shots on when and where it will be discussed. And most BS don't even know wht they want an so a rWS is left walking on eggshells. Can they show how truly destroyed their were by their behaviour? Or is that just manipulation and making it more about them?

 

I think an honest conversation between the spouses is good where the BS communicates as well as they can what they want of their Ws on a day to day basis beyond the NC, handing up devices. For instance: If you feel the need to show your pain over what you did please feel free to do so. You don't have to wait for me to notice or pretend everything is okay now"

 

Communication is key.

 

I have heard of people go as far as divorcing and remarrying. Symbolism isnt as important to me. We already committed to each other. Things got really rough but we are still committed at this time. That committment only ends when one of s or both us walk out the door. Yes, a marriage vow was broken and it hurts like hell. But for us (and this is only how we feel not how anyone else should) this marrige is still in place because we still both want it.

[Fluttershy]

AP, keep reminding yourself that it is way to early to even begin to know what to expect from yourselves. The first few months for me dragged by so slowly I felt time wasn't moving at all. 5 years? Get me out of here. And then suddenly it was six months and then a year. Some on here say the second year is the hardest. For me that hasnt been true at all. The affair is slowly becoming history, our history, but still in the past. Full remorse and a lack of multiple ddays help. Also not struggling with thinking R is for the weak(true R).

 

Do you have any hobbies or interests? Sometimes it is good to get back at those. Doing things with your child as well. Being busy isn't rug sweeping. It is about channeling some of that thinking time into things that you enjoy and bring you pleasure. You can of course take it to far. We as humans do that all the time. Being extreme.

[Confused48]

Way ahead of you on that one. I have to remind myself that even though she still has me and the family intact, she didnt just get away with it. Thats the hardest part to understand for me though. I constantly feel like shes getting away with it and it triggers me hard.

 

You should ask her to tell you how she is feeling. She is likely disgusted with herself. She is likely suffering very much too. You alluded to that already. Stop just comforting her then and ask her to tell you about her pain.

 

Not that it compares to what you are going through. But it will help you to hear from her about this, to know that she is far from getting away with it. She is paying a steep price I'm sure, if she loves you.

 

There is worse. The self inflicted wound to her sense of who she is, that is something that, well, at least you can blame her for your pain. She has no one but herself to blame for her pain and loss of self esteem. I've not experienced it personally but I can imagine that is tough to take.

[Fluttershy]

With confused

 

I would rather be betrayed than the betrayer. And I think most people would say that with all their heart before they become the betrayer. And then they do, they become a person they don't even like. A rWS has to see it and they have to see all the venom and hatred spewed at them on here and they know they deserve it. Yuck, yeah, I'd take being betrayed.

[Fredflintstone]

I just hate how needy I feel....but I need her affection.....never was like that before. If I expect her to be affectionate in a certain situation, and she doesnt do it, even if shes been perfect the whole night, I get pissed. I dont like that but thats how I feel now....

 

If I hug her/kiss her, the next minute I want to show her how mad I am at her. If I get mad at her for the affair and she starts breaking down, all I want to do is hold her......

 

I told her I still love her, but my heart is hardened and its now filled with anger/hate/disgust, along with the love. I rarely tell her I love her anymore, and even then its when she is begging me to tell her after shes told me. I want to tell her, I just cant. Another internal conflict.

 

I told her I know we are good and have finished this long, hard journey of R when I can tell her I love her without any hesitation or conflict.

 

The internal struggle is the hardest part to deal with for me.

 

Ditto, I still get like that too sometimes although not as bad anymore. She was shopping today and didn't answer her phone, I started getting paranoid because she used to not answer her phone when she was with him. Even though she was only about ten minutes walk away. Her phone was on silent and in her bag but when I text her she text back right away because her text have an audible alert and was back at the house in ten minutes. I went with her back into town. It's been four months for me, so probably you'll be feeling and thinking things too, we both will but it's getting better and it will for you too! We still b*tch at eachother but I think it's getting less intense over time. We've been in heated arguments and all of a sudden one of us just cracks up laughing and we both burst out laughing a second later she's in tears apologising for what she has done. Crazy.... But that's the extent of our emotions at times. Just stick at it, don't let things get on top of you too much as long as you both still want eachother it will work.

[Fredflintstone]

We've been to one, but we canceled the second one because one of us couldnt get off work and then then the holidays made the schedule tough. Probably wont go back until next week sometime.

 

My wife is extremely remorseful and shes done everything right so far. If I go to many days without showing my anger/hurt, I get angry/hurt. Its almost as if I'm afraid she is forgetting what she did and I want her to be constantly reminded like I am.

 

Ever since dday, I've had a minor case of insomnia. I still get sleep, but its not very good and I wake constantly. Also have a bad habit of waking up at 330am every night and by the time I get back to sleep, my alarm is about to go off. Meanwhile, I see her sleeping like a baby and it pisses me off. I want to wake her and make her stay up with me. I never had insomnia or sleep issues before, its all a result of the discovery of the affair. Part of me wants to make sure if I cant sleep, neither should she.

 

So I live everyday walking a fine line of wanting to love her and lash out at her.

 

It's like you are my double in a parallel universe. That anger thing has pretty much gone for me, its like a pressure release valve opening every so often, you'll have a blow out and feel good afterwards then do it again. It goes away, so does the sleep issue but it happens to me still every once in a week or two.

[Ap22]

You should ask her to tell you how she is feeling. She is likely disgusted with herself. She is likely suffering very much too. You alluded to that already. Stop just comforting her then and ask her to tell you about her pain.

 

Not that it compares to what you are going through. But it will help you to hear from her about this, to know that she is far from getting away with it. She is paying a steep price I'm sure, if she loves you.

 

There is worse. The self inflicted wound to her sense of who she is, that is something that, well, at least you can blame her for your pain. She has no one but herself to blame for her pain and loss of self esteem. I've not experienced it personally but I can imagine that is tough to take.

 

She is disgusted with herself and I truly believe that she regrets not only the affair, but the way she treated me and the kids the entire time. Shes even blurted out that it would be better if she just died. Never heard her say anything like that before.

 

I'm trying to keep her from walking on eggshells but its tough. It seems every little thing she does or doesnt do can set me off. Its a tough balancing act.

[compulsivedancer]

She is disgusted with herself and I truly believe that she regrets not only the affair, but the way she treated me and the kids the entire time. Shes even blurted out that it would be better if she just died. Never heard her say anything like that before.

 

I'm trying to keep her from walking on eggshells but its tough. It seems every little thing she does or doesnt do can set me off. Its a tough balancing act.

 

The best way for her to show you she loves you is by working on her, by working on changing. Seeing her IC. Listening more, working on being a better wife and woman. It's not about convincing you, it's about creating lasting change for herself. THAT will not only make her feel better, but will keep her from ever cheating again.

 

As the WS, I can't control the outcome for my BS (you sound like you're going through almost exactly what he went through early on). It's (so frustratingly!) up to him to figure out whether he can reconcile with me.

 

What I can do is listen and try to ease his pain. I just have to give him as much love as I can and show him that I'm thinking about him and really considering him ( which I never did enough of before). Especially early on, but now as well, I have to examine the things that led to my affair and learn from them. I have to recreate myself in such a way that I would never cheat again.

 

It also helped that after DDay, H listened to all my upsets, all the anger and resentment that I had allowed to build, and he made some changes too, to address those issues.

 

A lot of people on here will say that it's 100% up to the WS to fix things and that you have to deal with the A before you deal with the rest of the relationship. I disagree. It is imperative that you deal with the affair immediately, but if there were things that needed to be fixed pre-A, it makes reconciliation so much easier when they are addressed.

 

For me, it took the wind out of my sails as far as any "justification" I felt at the time about the affair. It showed me that if we reconciled, we could truly become a complete couple again, and gave me hope that we could move forward.

 

Whew, sorry, tangent. One of those posts where I learn something as I write.

 

So, if she's doing the work, it sounds to me like everything you're going through is normal and healthy, even if it feels anything but ( think of how you feel when you have a fever - you're in the midst of your body fighting off an illness. It doesn't feel good, but it can mean your body is addressing your illness so that you can recover).

 

It's okay to yell (but avoid the name calling), it's okay to have 4-5 hour conversations. It's okay to need her reassurance and physical touch. Just remember to take breaks. Remember to take some time for the two of you to make new memories that aren't about your affair. Set aside time just for the two of you and do not let the affair talk intervene during those times.

 

You're on the right track. I wish you luck.

[Ap22]

The best way for her to show you she loves you is by working on her, by working on changing. Seeing her IC. Listening more, working on being a better wife and woman. It's not about convincing you, it's about creating lasting change for herself. THAT will not only make her feel better, but will keep her from ever cheating again.

 

As the WS, I can't control the outcome for my BS (you sound like you're going through almost exactly what he went through early on). It's (so frustratingly!) up to him to figure out whether he can reconcile with me.

 

What I can do is listen and try to ease his pain. I just have to give him as much love as I can and show him that I'm thinking about him and really considering him ( which I never did enough of before). Especially early on, but now as well, I have to examine the things that led to my affair and learn from them. I have to recreate myself in such a way that I would never cheat again.

 

It also helped that after DDay, H listened to all my upsets, all the anger and resentment that I had allowed to build, and he made some changes too, to address those issues.

 

A lot of people on here will say that it's 100% up to the WS to fix things and that you have to deal with the A before you deal with the rest of the relationship. I disagree. It is imperative that you deal with the affair immediately, but if there were things that needed to be fixed pre-A, it makes reconciliation so much easier when they are addressed.

 

For me, it took the wind out of my sails as far as any "justification" I felt at the time about the affair. It showed me that if we reconciled, we could truly become a complete couple again, and gave me hope that we could move forward.

 

Whew, sorry, tangent. One of those posts where I learn something as I write.

 

So, if she's doing the work, it sounds to me like everything you're going through is normal and healthy, even if it feels anything but ( think of how you feel when you have a fever - you're in the midst of your body fighting off an illness. It doesn't feel good, but it can mean your body is addressing your illness so that you can recover).

 

It's okay to yell (but avoid the name calling), it's okay to have 4-5 hour conversations. It's okay to need her reassurance and physical touch. Just remember to take breaks. Remember to take some time for the two of you to make new memories that aren't about your affair. Set aside time just for the two of you and do not let the affair talk intervene during those times.

 

You're on the right track. I wish you luck.

 

Good stuff. I called her a whore the first couple nights after dday and havent called her a name since. As far as changing, the way I look at it, the way she acted during the MLC and affair was not really her. She changed into that person. It would be harder if she was this ugly person the entire time I knew her but thats not the case.

 

She was very loving and affectionate for the first 6 years of our marriage. Once she went off the deep end with this MLC, she changed into someone I didnt know. I feel like the reality of losing her entire family slapped her out of her fog and she wants to go back to the person I married.

 

Also, when I trigger and get upset, the one thing that strikes me is the look in her eyes. I see shame, fear, and sorrow like I've never seen from her before. Even as I type it out i'm thinking about that look i'm describing and it really sticks with me. I see the remorse in her eyes.

 

Also, as strange as it feels at times, we've had some of the best days of our lives together. Granted, for me, I constantly have the black cloud of doom hovering over me, but even still, it cant take away how great of a day we had.

[compulsivedancer]

Good stuff. I called her a whore the first couple nights after dday and havent called her a name since. As far as changing, the way I look at it, the way she acted during the MLC and affair was not really her. She changed into that person. It would be harder if she was this ugly person the entire time I knew her but thats not the case.

 

She was very loving and affectionate for the first 6 years of our marriage. Once she went off the deep end with this MLC, she changed into someone I didnt know. I feel like the reality of losing her entire family slapped her out of her fog and she wants to go back to the person I married.

 

Also, when I trigger and get upset, the one thing that strikes me is the look in her eyes. I see shame, fear, and sorrow like I've never seen from her before. Even as I type it out i'm thinking about that look i'm describing and it really sticks with me. I see the remorse in her eyes.

 

It's a good start, but WHY did she cheat? I agree that something in me changed as I cheated, but there's also something in her that allowed her to cheat. What was it? Was it boundary issues? Commitment issues? Validation issues? Selfishness? This is what allowed her to change into someone who would cheat, and this is what needs to be addressed.

 

It's not enough to feel remorse. Cheating isn't something that happened to her. It's something she did. It's perfectly possible for someone to feel remorse, then cheat again later. She has to put things in place to keep it from happening the next time the opportunity presents itself.

 

 

 

Also, as strange as it feels at times, we've had some of the best days of our lives together. Granted, for me, I constantly have the black cloud of doom hovering over me, but even still, it cant take away how great of a day we had.

 

This is normal, and a good sign.

[drifter777]

...

she hardened my heart and filled it with anger and disgust. I told her once the anger/disgust is gone, then I can feel true love for her again. I even told her 51% of my heart hates her, 49% loves her and the kids are what pushed this into her favor for R. Its going to be a long, hard journey to get my heart back to 100% for her.

This part - what magic are you waiting for to heal all of this? Time doesn't heal anything; it's what you do with that time. The longer that this hate/anger/disgust lives in your heart the less the chances of a reconciliation there is and you need to face the possibility that you will not be able to forgive and that divorce is the only thing that will help you heal.