Eddie007 Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 This is my first post on the dating form. Ive spent most of my time on the breakup form after my fiance of 4+ years dumped me about 4 1/2 months ago. We have been NC since that day. Neither of us has reached out to the other. Anyway ive been out of the dating scene for quite some time. Ive been out with a few girls over the past month or so but nothing too spectacular. Last night I had dinner with a girl Im met online. We have been texting and talking on the phone for about a month but due to both being swamped at work we just now got together. She was very pretty and I felt we hit it off great. There were no akward moments of silence and we both did a lot of laughing. The only akward moment was when the check came. I reached for my wallet but she insisted we go dutch. She said she is not comfortable with others paying her way. I reassured her several times and even told her she could "pick up the check the next time" but she still insisted I take her $ for her portion. We had such a good evening and I didnt want to make a big issue so I reluctently accepted her $. When she didnt respond to the "you can get the check next time" idea I assumed this meant she wasnt sure there would be a next time. After I got home she sent a text saying how it was so nice to finely meet me. We chatted for a few minutes and said goodnight. Now Im wondering how do I broach the topic of a 2nd date or should i just wait and see if she take the initiative. I felt my "next time" comment sent the signal i was interested so I should just sit back and see what happens.
MidwestUSA Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 You 'sent the signal', but ideally, you would have locked down the second date before the end of the first. This is how we know for sure that you're interested. Ask her out again. There will be plenty of time later for her to initiate dates. Good luck! 2
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Pick up the phone. Ask for the 2nd date. At least you will know. 3
Pretty.in.Pink Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Pick up the phone and ask her out on another date, something concrete. For example: I really enjoyed meeting you and would like to see you again. How about XYZ next Friday at 7 in the evening? Ideally, base your second date on some interest of hers that you've learned about on your date and/or through your exchanges. Not necessary, but I always gave guys brownie points for remembering my interests. Vague statements such as "let's do this again sometime," with nothing concrete and no follow up is classic blow-off language and behavior. Next time, try to lock down your next date on your current date or the next day. Also try to communicate your continued interest shortly after the date. The other person shouldn't be left guessing about your interest level. She conveyed hers by texting you the next day when she still hadn't heard from you. It's been greeted so far with inaction and no follow-up date. 2
Author Eddie007 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Pick up the phone and ask her out on another date, something concrete. For example: I really enjoyed meeting you and would like to see you again. How about XYZ next Friday at 7 in the evening? Ideally, base your second date on some interest of hers that you've learned about on your date and/or through your exchanges. Not necessary, but I always gave guys brownie points for remembering my interests. Vague statements such as "let's do this again sometime," with nothing concrete and no follow up is classic blow-off language and behavior. Next time, try to lock down your next date on your current date or the next day. Also try to communicate your continued interest shortly after the date. The other person shouldn't be left guessing about your interest level. She conveyed hers by texting you the next day when she still hadn't heard from you. It's been greeted so far with inaction and no follow-up date. Maybe I didnt convey it correctly in my first post but the date was just last night. She texted me last night after she got home about how it was nice to meet me and such. Today IS the day after so I have not given her any "inaction' as you say. I wasnt sure if there was propper protocol since I have been out of the dating scene for so long. I see from eveyones advice I should go ahead and ask her out. Which is what I will do.
Author Eddie007 Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Well I asked for the 2nd date and she declined saying there was no "chemistry" there and if she doesn't feel it immedietally she never will.
deathandtaxes Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Well I asked for the 2nd date and she declined saying there was no "chemistry" there and if she doesn't feel it immedietally she never will. Such a pity. what are women waiting for - lightning from the heavens?
BrandonMarshall Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I don't get it.... if she texted you AFTER the first date there had to be something there at some point. I'm wondering if you said something to turn her off of the 2nd date. Maybe you came off too desperate for a second date??? I just can't understand why she texted you after the first date... if she didn't feel chemistry I feel like she wouldn't have made the initiative to contact you. What I see in your original post is A. you were over thinking stuff that probably doesn't matter.. overthinking the "next time" incident is counter productive. B. take it one date at a time. I would not talk about a 2nd date during the 1st date at all... you want to keep her guessing.. if she feels she already has you then the attraction dies out. Women love a challenge. C. Don't be too caught up in the structure of "dates" and never call it a "date" when talking to her. Just ask her out for lunch or coffee or something. D. Who cares if she is willing to pay half. Some women are like that these days. I applaud you for willing to pay for the check... and I think you should, but if she insists just back off and let her do so. You can treat the woman later when she's in a relationship with you.
Pretty.in.Pink Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Well I asked for the 2nd date and she declined saying there was no "chemistry" there and if she doesn't feel it immedietally she never will. So sorry to hear that. Sorry too about your breakup. I haven't read your back story, but breakups are usually difficult. Kudos on moving forward and putting yourself out there. Just keep trying until you click with someone. You won't get beyond a first date with most people (you won't feel a spark, she won't, or you'll mutually not feel anything for each other). It takes time and effort for most people. You mentioned that you're new to dating and you met her online, so I'll share my experience with online dating. Experience and opinions will vary. Guys who liked me: Followed up immediately after the date. I heard from them via text or a phone call the same night after we parted...before I ever had a chance to contact them.They lined up the next date as things were ending on the first date. (There are pros and cons to this approach, but mostly pros for you IMO.)They didn't go radiosilent between dates. You can certainly take a more conservative approach to communication and follow-up. Just understand that you might put yourself at a bit of a disadvantage when you do so. Ditto if you're interested but don't convey this clearly. Bear in mind that you did nothing wrong here. Nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. Just keep your goal of finding someone in front of you, and try again. It will get easier. Also, supplement online efforts with real life social opportunities. Join a sports league, take a yoga class...find something you like that also puts you in regular social contact with women. Good luck! 1
Author Eddie007 Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Dating is just so aggravating now days. I feel like Im in a no win situation. If you persue a woman your interested in you come off as needy but if you don't persue you come off as not interested. It seemed to me we made a good connection. Lots of talk and eye contact. We both asked lots of questions and there was a lot of laughing. My therapist told me (she is female) that 9/10 women dont care about looks in a commited relationship however looks help you get your foot in the door. Maybe Im just not ready to be dating yet and am subconsciously sabotaging myself.
deathandtaxes Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Dating is just so aggravating now days. I feel like Im in a no win situation. If you persue a woman your interested in you come off as needy but if you don't persue you come off as not interested. It seemed to me we made a good connection. Lots of talk and eye contact. We both asked lots of questions and there was a lot of laughing. My therapist told me (she is female) that 9/10 women dont care about looks in a commited relationship however looks help you get your foot in the door. Maybe Im just not ready to be dating yet and am subconsciously sabotaging myself. Dust yourself off, son, and hope back on that horse! Give the lady some credit at least for being honest and cutting things off this early. It's not a no-win situation. It's just not easy. It's very hard. It takes work. It takes time. It takes a lot of commitment to get out there and date and meet people and to open yourself enough to be receptive to loving and being loved. Who ever said it was easy? 2
freetolove Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Honestly, a lot just depends on if they're the "right" guy for you or not. With the current guy I'm dating, we broke all the rules. I liked him so much that I set up the second date 15 mins into the our first meeting. We slept together on the second date (more like tore off each other's clothes) and the 3rd date lasted 20 hours LoL
Author Eddie007 Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Dust yourself off, son, and hope back on that horse! Give the lady some credit at least for being honest and cutting things off this early. It's not a no-win situation. It's just not easy. It's very hard. It takes work. It takes time. It takes a lot of commitment to get out there and date and meet people and to open yourself enough to be receptive to loving and being loved. Who ever said it was easy? Dont get me wrong. Im not angry with this woman in the least. She did exactly as should be done if she wasnt feeling "it" I think very highly of her for that. Im more or less venting becaue I did not pick up the correct signals I guess.
MissBee Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 You 'sent the signal', but ideally, you would have locked down the second date before the end of the first. This is how we know for sure that you're interested. Ask her out again. There will be plenty of time later for her to initiate dates. Good luck! I agree. I wouldn't want to be the one, as a woman, to initiate the 2nd date. I'd prefer the man to take the lead on that and I think most women feel the same. Later on I don't have a problem initiating going out but in the beginning I prefer the man to take the lead. Call her up and ask her out again. I also wouldn't send a follow up text after a date if I didn't want to go out again, so that is a positive sign.
pteromom Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Dont get me wrong. Im not angry with this woman in the least. She did exactly as should be done if she wasnt feeling "it" I think very highly of her for that. Im more or less venting becaue I did not pick up the correct signals I guess. If you were laughing and talking without awkwardness, and she seemed open toward you, it wasn't you not being able to pick up signals. You never know what someone else's story is. She could be getting over an ex or have some kind of issue of her own that prevents her from making an honest attempt at a relationship. You could have said or done something that reminded her of an ex, her dad, who knows! Don't let it get to you. Just move on and try again. Assume you are awesome and focus on finding another person who thinks so too. She's out there!
cooldude88 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 But you didn't mention anywhere that she was actually interested in seeing you again. This doesn't count: She texted me last night after she got home about how it was nice to meet me and such. That's an expected message even if the date went poorly. Its just common courtesy. If you really enjoyed your evening then tell her so and say that you really want to see her again. Its harder for her to refuse in person and you might get a second chance to make a good impression if she is on the fence about you. Otherwise it's all to easy for her to reject you via text some days later. At least you got an explanation some girls just ignore you. I really appreciate honesty.
GemmaUK Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Well I asked for the 2nd date and she declined saying there was no "chemistry" there and if she doesn't feel it immedietally she never will. Such a pity. what are women waiting for - lightning from the heavens? This comment and reply to it. No we aren't waiting for lightening but we are after someone we could potentially sleep with. If that isn't there or equally we are not stimulated by their personality then that = no chemistry.
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