IdkSure Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I've been dating this girl for over a month now. She's very reserved and gets nervous and awkward when it comes to this stuff, to a fault, and she often confuses me. Everything else about her is awesome, but she has some serious trouble in this area. Coming into the relationship, I knew that she was going to have to take some time to feel completely comfortable and get over her nervousness, and I was okay with that. I get advice from her friend sometimes. She helps me out because she knows how difficult my girlfriend can be, and she told me that my girlfriend is afraid to ask me to hang out because she's afraid I'll say no. Another thing is that ever since we started dating she's gone back to being awkward at work (yeah, we work together). We were to the point where the awkwardness completely went away, but all that progress went away when we started this relationship (I should add that this is only at work, she acts completely normal when we hang out). Lastly, we only get to hang out once a week or so because we both work and she's in college. That being said, you'd think she'd want to make me a priority sometimes, or that she'd make an effort to spend time with me, but it doesn't seem like she does. Here's the issue: I just chalked all of those things up to her strangeness/awkwardness/nervousness at first. If that's all it is I'm totally willing to wait for her to loosen up because other than that she's exactly what I want in a partner. But the relationship feels really one-sided and it bothers me. Should I just wait it out and see what happens, or should I explain to her how I feel? If you think I should talk to her about it, how should I bring it up? How should I word it? I'm thinking about asking her if the relationship is important to her, because it's hard for me to tell.
Author IdkSure Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 I should also say that because of her behavior, it makes me a little awkward as well and I'm not as open as I could be. I want to tell her exactly how I feel about her and what I like about her and that I've never seen as much in a person as I see in her, but I'm afraid that she doesn't feel as strongly. Maybe if I opened up a bit more she would too?
Gallaxia Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 I could be totally wrong here but it sounds to me like she could have a bit of social anxiety. Also, maybe ask the friend why your gf thinks you'd say no to her invitation to hang out.
Author IdkSure Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 I don't think it's social anxiety. She socializes just fine at work, she's not a loner who doesn't talk to anybody. And she goes out and hangs out with friends on a regular basis, so I don't think that's it. It seems she only gets that awkward when it comes to relationships and things like that. On Saturday her friend asked if I was going to hang out with her and I said that I asked but she had a reason for why she couldn't, and her friend told me that she told her the same thing. She seems to have legitimate reasons for why she can't when she turns me down, she's pretty busy. But even so, you'd think she'd try to make time for me if our relationship was important to her.
TaraMaiden Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Jeezus, do you two guys ever actually talk to each other? I mean communicate - effectively!! By the sound of it, you have no idea what that entails! I'm sorry, but if you're in a relationship, it pays to talk! And listen!
Author IdkSure Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Yeah I know, it's pretty bad...and like I said, her awkwardness makes me a little awkward so it's partially my fault too. I know it sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship right now because we don't communicate very well. I'd like to communicate better, I'm usually really good about that, and I like straightforwardness. With her it's harder though. If it were anyone else I wouldn't still be here, but she really is awesome and I'm kind of just hoping she'll loosen up and get more comfortable eventually.
TaraMaiden Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 hoping she will loosen up eventually is abdicating any responsibility yourself of being pro-active. you need to talk to her, and tell her precisely what ails you, and what you think ails her. You have to bring her out of her shell, and communicate the confidence to be able to self-express with no fear of offence. That's what worries her. She has no confidence in herself as a partner, and doesn't know what to do or say to make you happy. I don't think she's 'awkward' so much as totally tentative and inexperienced. Leaving things to fate is rather like hoping the puppy will stop crapping on the carpet by itself..... 1
Author IdkSure Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 hoping she will loosen up eventually is abdicating any responsibility yourself of being pro-active. you need to talk to her, and tell her precisely what ails you, and what you think ails her. You have to bring her out of her shell, and communicate the confidence to be able to self-express with no fear of offence. That's what worries her. She has no confidence in herself as a partner, and doesn't know what to do or say to make you happy. I don't think she's 'awkward' so much as totally tentative and inexperienced. Leaving things to fate is rather like hoping the puppy will stop crapping on the carpet by itself..... I knew I needed to talk to her, but the way you put it makes a lot of sense. I'll be sure to talk to her and tell her exactly what I think next time I see her. Although I have to disagree with you on the awkwardness part. Yeah, part of it is that she's inexperienced, but I've never seen such an extreme case of lack of confidence, and it's only a lack of confidence when it comes to the opposite sex. Now that I think about it I think that it might stem from the fact that the majority of the three or four guys she's dated have cheated on her, that's probably why she has a wall up, and it reinforces this statement: "She has no confidence in herself as a partner..."
Pretty.in.Pink Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 You both sound very inexperienced on the relationship front, and that may be a big part of the problem. You're dating her, not her friend. Your discussions about your relationship with your girlfriend, should be with your girlfriend, certainly not her friend! On your next date, make sure it's somewhere quiet and somewhere where a private conversation is possible. You need to tell her about the concerns you've raised here. Enough already with the guessing games you're having with this friend of hers!
Sand Man Dan Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Just get passionate. Turn up the romance to boiling (not effect-wise like candles just get her going) and tell her how much she means to you; basically everything you wrote above to us. Just have an honest open face to face, heart to heart. Tell her that she can trust you an be comfortable with you cause you have 0 plans to let her down. Then kiss her Thank you, thank you you're all too kind
Author IdkSure Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 You both sound very inexperienced on the relationship front, and that may be a big part of the problem. You're dating her, not her friend. Your discussions about your relationship with your girlfriend, should be with your girlfriend, certainly not her friend! On your next date, make sure it's somewhere quiet and somewhere where a private conversation is possible. You need to tell her about the concerns you've raised here. Enough already with the guessing games you're having with this friend of hers! You're correct. I've had a bunch of flings and one night stands but when it comes to relationships I guess I don't really know what I'm doing. I won't be going to her friend anymore.
GemmaUK Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 You're correct. I've had a bunch of flings and one night stands but when it comes to relationships I guess I don't really know what I'm doing. I won't be going to her friend anymore. The trouble with going to her friend is that you get whatever her friend 'thinks is right' not what your gf thinks. When you do talk to her I would also say how much you think of her. If she was aware of how you feel you might just find she opens up. Don't rely on nor think much of awkwardness or contact at work. Work is work and not the best place to date. We have an established couple at work and we all know they are a couple but they keep themselves very far apart at work and only talk to each other when it is work related - they don't even joke around with each other when they are in the kitchen at the same time. They are pretty silent towards each other to be honest - unless work related and then they treat each other as any other colleague - but actually in a less 'fun' way. Just professional. Their life together is outside of work and they don't need nor want to bring it into work - and it works for them and the rest of us too as it could be cringey!
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