Do you go on dates just for the sake of dating and free meals?

December 31, 2013

LOL @ paying for his shortcomings. So unfair

My last date I paid for her tea (we went to a coffee place) so I guess I'm lucky my shortcomings only cost me 3 dollars...

January 4, 2014

Hi guys, I hope you all started the New Year on a lovely note. Cheers for another new year, fill with possibilities, love, and everything that you desire.

I just wanted to give you a quick update on where I am with this charming and adorable guy. He is now clearly aware that he is more vested in this than me. It’s open clear that I am not leading him and I choose my words carefully to avoid ambiguities and false expectations.

We were chatting during the week and he kept pushing for diner. It reached a point where I could not avoid his request and had to give him a straight answer. I told him that my instinct says no to diner and I am not interested whatsoever. His response? He thinks we should discuss my rejection over diner and he is curious about whether I want to go out with him sometime or not. He said he can give me a few reasons as to why I should go out with him. When I turned down his last attempt at setting up a date, he said he gave up trying and it was nice chatting. I responded “anyway, nice talking to you too”. Thinking that was it since he put an end to the convo anyway.

Twenty minutes later, he wrote e-mailed me to say how he really wants to keep talking to me regardless of what my instinct says. It’s just that he is legitimately interested in seeing me again and feels like my instinct is staying otherwise. What a stubborn man! Without giving more details about our conversation, I must admit that he is adorable and cute. I feel that he has been genuine and did his best to get that date and handled my “no’s” respectfully (unlike my past experiences).

A friend of mine has been playing the Devil’s advocate and suggested that I go on at least two dates with him because he is adorable. She thinks one date is not enough to get to know someone. The Devil’s advocate continued to say that since he wants to give me a few reasons as to why I should go out with him, then I could cautiously tell him my three deal breakers and give him an opportunity to explain himself.

Bottom line, I am going to proceed with a date. Since I have been rejecting his diner invitation, I would like to make the arrangement this time and ask him to join me. Do you think he would be offended if I arrange the date instead of going with whatever diner plans he had in mine?

I don’t want to do diner though as he initially suggested. I think it’s too uptight for a first date LOL. Also, remember that I am a newbie, so I would feel awkward if I have to sit straight for 2 or more hours during diner. The idea is to bring some work with me, ask him to bring his so that we can spend time talking and working together. Of course, I would shut my computer down once he shows up.

I was thinking something like Corner Bakery, Great Harvest Bread

Do you have any suggestions for the date and advice on the above rant?

P.S My cheesy story put me in the same league as any teenage girl LOL.

Edited January 4, 2014 by shybutnotshy

January 4, 2014

Hi guys, I hope you all started the New Year on a lovely note. Cheers for another new year, fill with possibilities, love, and everything that you desire.

I just wanted to give you a quick update on where I am with this charming and adorable guy. He is now clearly aware that he is more vested in this than me. It’s open clear that I am not leading him and I choose my words carefully to avoid ambiguities and false expectations.

A friend of mine has been playing the Devil’s advocate and suggested that I go on at least two dates with him because he is adorable and I should take the chance to get to know him and because one date is not enough to learn more about someone. The Devil’s advocate continued to say that since he wants to give me a few reasons as to why I should go out with him, then I could cautiously tell him my three deal breakers and give him an opportunity to explain himself.

Bottom line, I am going to proceed with a date. Since I have been rejecting his diner invitation, so I would like to make the arrangement and ask him to join me. Do you think he would be offended if I arrange the date instead of going with whatever diner plans he had in mine? I don’t want to do diner though as he initially suggested. I think it’s too uptight for a first date LOL. Also, remember that I am a newbie, so I would feel awkward if I have to sit straight for 2 or more hours during diner. The idea is to bring some work with me, ask him to bring his so that we can spend time talking and working together. Of course, I would shut my computer down once he shows up.
I was thinking something like Corner Bakery, Great Harvest Bread

Do you have any suggestions for the date and advice on the above rant?

P.S My cheesy story put me in the same league as any teenage girl LOL.

Your friend is RIGHT, i think, based on what you have said here. I'm glad you are going. I'm curious as to what these 3 dealbreakers are? I have to be honest though: I don't think bringing work to corner bakery that you guys sit there and do together is very fun so i wouldn't suggest that. If you think dinner sounded stiff....I do think that you should suggest & arrange plans or collaborate. I would do something active even if it's just a walk where you get to talk. I'm sure there are great date ideas you can think of that are more specific to who the two of your are and what there is to do where you live. Give him a chance by at least attempting to make it fun. It couldn't hurt and at very least you will have a fun time if not a romance.

ps. i don't think all this is cheesy

January 4, 2014

Your friend is RIGHT, i think, based on what you have said here. I'm glad you are going. I'm curious as to what these 3 dealbreakers are? I have to be honest though: I don't think bringing work to corner bakery that you guys sit there and do together is very fun so i wouldn't suggest that. If you think dinner sounded stiff....I do think that you should suggest & arrange plans or collaborate. I would do something active even if it's just a walk where you get to talk. I'm sure there are great date ideas you can think of that are more specific to who the two of your are and what there is to do where you live. Give him a chance by at least attempting to make it fun. It couldn't hurt and at very least you will have a fun time if not a romance.

ps. i don't think all this is cheesy

Okay, I won't bring work with me. Unfortunately, the weather is not on our side. We won't be able to go on a long walk because it's going to be rainy/snowy the whole week through the weekend.

January 4, 2014

I have yet to master the art of getting a free meal. every man I have gone out with has willingly accepted my offer to split the bill?! so... I guess I date for its own sake because I score no free meals... or the guys are complete losers, or men who actually pay for meals for dates are a myth

January 4, 2014

if you throw out some ideas, i will do my best to help. Or your devil's advocate friend could probably help. If you don't want it to be too long & weather is an issue, i think going for a drink is fine. Keep it light & laughter. I also like (talk about cheesy) going bowling. It's a novelty that has never failed to be fun regardless of how i end up feeling for the guy. And the competitive part is good too. There's the right amount of talking & you can either be done with it or continue if you still want the date to go on. Most places have drinks too. What type of people are you guys? like what are your interests or his?

January 4, 2014

I did not lead them on. Back then, I could barely recognize when someone was flirting with me and was a dummy in all things love LOL so I did not show any interest in them. I believe that both of them saw me as a nice single girl they could easily convince to date them, but got shocked when I firmly, but politely turn them down.

The "shy nice girl" is often a sheep in wolf's clothing. I had a girl tell me "I didn't lead you on" after a month and a half, 3000+ texts, lots of flirting etc. And ladies wonder why a lot of guys go for sex right away.

Just out of curiosity, how many dates did you go on with this guy before you politely turned him down?

January 4, 2014

The "shy nice girl" is often a sheep in wolf's clothing. I had a girl tell me "I didn't lead you on" after a month and a half, 3000+ texts, lots of flirting etc. And ladies wonder why a lot of guys go for sex right away.

Just out of curiosity, how many dates did you go on with this guy before you politely turned him down?

In my case, turning a guy down has nothing to do with shyness. Believe me, when I am not interested, there is nothing shy about me. At that time I was not into texting or calling people, so I didn't turn them down after lengthy texts/e-mail exchanges. As I mentioned previously, flirting is not my forte and I used to think it was inappropriate, especially with guy you don't like. Yeah, I was a dofus nerd.

When I turn a guy down, I do it politely but firmly. I do so not because I am shy, but because I was either not interested from the get go or had other priorities. In the most recent two cases where the guys were mad, I turned them down because I was not interested, dating was the last thing on my mind and I had bigger priorities than that.

First guy was my college roommate's cousin. I knew him for less than a month. She would invite me to cookout parties at her dad (he lived there) or we would go eat out on weekends. I went because I was hanging out with my roommate and he, the cousin always invited himself to our outings and sometimes as her ride, he would just tag along. Then one day, out of the blue he insisted that I go see a movie with him since my roommate was sick and didn't want to join him. I went.

After the movie, he proceeded to tell me how he effed a girl at a movie theater and told me other stories about his sexual life. I found it strange that he was blabbing about his sex life and thought he was being disrespectful towards these girls.However, I took no offense to that because I was not on a date and never, implicitly or explicitly showed that there was something going on between us. He went on to tell me that he would like to take me LINGERIE shopping. Still, I thought that was strange and out of line but just brushed it off. I am not the type to make a scuffle. When it was time for me to go back to my dorm, he asked me for a hug. I gave him a hi5 cause I don't hug random people. I did not tell him why I wouldn't hug him though. He got angry, called me deceitful and ignored me the following day when he came to help my roommate moves out (end of school year).

One year later, we met through a school function, dude was asking me why I don't talk to him, nagging me as if he forgot our last encounter. Fast forward 2 years after the school function, he texted me asking me to hang out. I told him it was strange that he would ask me to hangout as he thinks that I am a deceitful person. Oh, he plays the amnesia card. He doesn't remember calling me that, he doesn't remember what happened three years ago. He said that oh maybe HE can make up for calling me a deceitful person and insulting me by taking me out for diner. How thoughtful of him !

So that's the story and go through older post in that thread and you will see what happens with the other guy. That one, the very first time he randomly asked me to go to Happy Hour, I say no. That was the first text I got from him. 2 nd text, another invitation and my answer was a straight no. 3 rd text, I told him no and explained that i am busy house hunting and will be on a hiatus (party, hang out, fun, you name it) until I find a place and won't be going out for the next couple of months/weeks. However, he keeps texting me asking me to go do this, that with him. I told him a simple NO each time. Then, boom, he got mad!

Edited January 4, 2014 by shybutnotshy

January 5, 2014

The "shy nice girl" is often a sheep in wolf's clothing. I had a girl tell me "I didn't lead you on" after a month and a half, 3000+ texts, lots of flirting etc. And ladies wonder why a lot of guys go for sex right away

P.S I know what you mean though by ""shy nice girl" is often a sheep in wolf's clothing. I had a roommate who thought that flirting and texting was harmless and playful game. She would flirt, text with a guy even if she knew she didn't want to date him, but run to us in shock when the guy starts telling her, his sexual fantasies. She gave me a headache

January 5, 2014

P.S I know what you mean though by ""shy nice girl" is often a sheep in wolf's clothing. I had a roommate who thought that flirting and texting was harmless and playful game. She would flirt, text with a guy even if she knew she didn't want to date him, but run to us in shock when the guy starts telling her, his sexual fantasies. She gave me a headache

Haha I totally jumbled my words. It should be "wolf in sheep's clothing". From your story it doesn't sound like you led the guy on. He was just ....crazy?

January 5, 2014

Haha I totally jumbled my words. It should be "wolf in sheep's clothing". From your story it doesn't sound like you led the guy on. He was just ....crazy?

LOL I didn't notice your wording. My ex rooomate's cousin is just cray cray. Up until this past summer, he would text me, call and leave messages. I just ignore him. I haven't heard from him for a while, but I am sure that he would send a text one of these days. Gonna keep on ignoring him.

I haven't heard from the 2nd guy since his outburst. Hopefully, we won't run into each other.

January 5, 2014

if you throw out some ideas, i will do my best to help. Or your devil's advocate friend could probably help. If you don't want it to be too long & weather is an issue, i think going for a drink is fine. Keep it light & laughter. I also like (talk about cheesy) going bowling. It's a novelty that has never failed to be fun regardless of how i end up feeling for the guy. And the competitive part is good too. There's the right amount of talking & you can either be done with it or continue if you still want the date to go on. Most places have drinks too. What type of people are you guys? like what are your interests or his?

Thanks for the suggestions.

He is a rock climbing, boxing, drinking, reading type

I am into ballroom dancing, comedy shows, long walk/biking (when the weather is nice), theatre/play. He also like one of my favorite musical genres, but there aren't any upcoming events/show.

What do you think if I invite him to a comedy show? I could get the tickets. The setting is like in a restaurants, so we would be drinking and have plenty of time to talk.

January 5, 2014

Yes, I think comedy would be great! I was going to say that. Good luck!

January 5, 2014

Yes, I think comedy would be great! I was going to say that. Good luck!

Awesome. I will check that with him. I can't believe I am taking the lead in setting up a date LOL.

January 5, 2014

I read a lot of the comments, but not all of them.

I go out on a lot of first dates on OLD, a few, but not many second dates.

Yes, I would go out on an OLD first date, even if I thought we might not be compatible. Meet each other just to be sure.

What I no longer do...damn near ever, is do a dating activity I don't want to do. I spent too many years of my life seeing Kill Bill and Matrix type movies when I'd much rather see Love, Actually.

Your twenty something, dates are plentiful. Hopefully, at 40 something you won't still be dating. It does get tougher.

I just had an informal meet up with two single guys at a party NYE. One of them, I am not interested in and if he wanted to go on a date, I'd probably pass. The other one might have potential, so I would.

I don't know about you or the guy you're talking about, but my free time is limited and very, very valuable. If I thought I was going to go out with a man on a date, I'd spend more than an hour getting ready. If he then told me over supper that he wasn't interested, but wanted to be friends and he had someone he wanted me to meet, I don't know how well I'd take it.

With the agenda you have in mind, I think you should CALL (not text) him am tell him beforehand you would like to go out, but you're not interested in dating him. See if he still wants to go out as friends. Not at dinner, but a couple of days later, see if he might be interested in meeting your friend in a casual group environment.

Oh yeah - you'd pay for your own supper. No question. My BFF and I went out tonight, separate checks. Why would I expect a near stranger to pay for me if I didn't expect my close friend.

January 5, 2014

I read a lot of the comments, but not all of them.

I go out on a lot of first dates on OLD, a few, but not many second dates.

Yes, I would go out on an OLD first date, even if I thought we might not be compatible. Meet each other just to be sure.

What I no longer do...damn near ever, is do a dating activity I don't want to do. I spent too many years of my life seeing Kill Bill and Matrix type movies when I'd much rather see Love, Actually.

Your twenty something, dates are plentiful. Hopefully, at 40 something you won't still be dating. It does get tougher.

I just had an informal meet up with two single guys at a party NYE. One of them, I am not interested in and if he wanted to go on a date, I'd probably pass. The other one might have potential, so I would.

I don't know about you or the guy you're talking about, but my free time is limited and very, very valuable. If I thought I was going to go out with a man on a date, I'd spend more than an hour getting ready. If he then told me over supper that he wasn't interested, but wanted to be friends and he had someone he wanted me to meet, I don't know how well I'd take it.

With the agenda you have in mind, I think you should CALL (not text) him am tell him beforehand you would like to go out, but you're not interested in dating him. See if he still wants to go out as friends. Not at dinner, but a couple of days later, see if he might be interested in meeting your friend in a casual group environment.

Oh yeah - you'd pay for your own supper. No question. My BFF and I went out tonight, separate checks. Why would I expect a near stranger to pay for me if I didn't expect my close friend.

I will do as you say before I go ahead with any plans. We will TALKing (no text/e-mail) tomorrow to make sure that we are both on the same page.

January 5, 2014

The first meeting, if the people don't even know whether they like each other yet, shouldn't be a date. It should involve very little money if any. Coffee, maybe. Each person should buy the other's drink.

January 5, 2014

The first meeting, if the people don't even know whether they like each other yet, shouldn't be a date. It should involve very little money if any. Coffee, maybe. Each person should buy the other's drink.

I had someone tell me once,"coffee...isn't a date, it's an interview"

That has stayed with me.

Normally, I have to travel 60 miles or more to meet a guy. That's $12 in gas and 2 hours of my time round trip. Let's at least do dinner. Bonus if he pays.

January 5, 2014

I had someone tell me once,"coffee...isn't a date, it's an interview"

That has stayed with me.

Normally, I have to travel 60 miles or more to meet a guy. That's $12 in gas and 2 hours of my time round trip. Let's at least do dinner. Bonus if he pays.

I first thought about just grabbing coffee at a coffee shop (so laid back and less stiff than dinner) but when I look up, it seems that the majority of folks think it's an "interview", inappropriate etc... so that's why I upgraded to something like Corner Bakery

January 5, 2014

No...I'm not that hungry and I can afford my own meals without feigning that I am enjoying someone's company.

But when I was just learning about dating in my late teen years, early college years and really coming into my own, I would go out with men I wasn't gungho over, not for a free meal, but simply to not be at home, to go out, to chat, to have a good time. Sometimes it surprised me and I'd see them again and sometimes it was a fine night but I knew it wouldn't escalate to anything serious. I think when you're just learning about dating nothing is wrong with sometimes going out just to go out and wet your feet and to practice what it's like to date.

I do believe one can casually date or hang out with someone even if you won't be in a relationship with them, so long as you're honest about what you're looking for.

January 5, 2014

The first meeting, if the people don't even know whether they like each other yet, shouldn't be a date. It should involve very little money if any. Coffee, maybe. Each person should buy the other's drink.

I agree with this. Especially if it's an online date thing. If I have previously met you in person or am acquainted with you then dinner is fine but if it's an online first time, feel you out meet up, then something more casual, even say lunch, if coffee seems more interviewish, seems like less pressure and more reasonable than having to sit through a dinner if you end up not clicking. Even just meeting up for drinks. You can always extend the date or go out later or the next day if the first more casual meet up goes well.

Edited January 5, 2014 by MissBee

January 5, 2014

In a crappy economy in hard times why would people be surprised this happens?

January 5, 2014

In a crappy economy in hard times why would people be surprised this happens?

crappy economy is no excuse.

March 31, 2014

Happy Spring everyone! It's been a while, so here is an update.

I ended up meeting with that guy several time for coffee, drink, and so on but never agreed to go on a formal date with him. To him our meetings were "dates".

We had a silly disagreement and misunderstanding one month after we've met, we did not speak for two weeks, but ended up reconciling. I had started to miss him during our disagreement, I missed talking to him, his charming texts etc... It's funny because I did not like him that much he was more into me, but to my surprise, he has been growing on me. I got over the deal breakers.

We've also become very comfortable with each other, so a diner will no longer be awkward. We have not been to that "dinner" date yet, but he thinks that we are in a relationship and wants to take me to that special dinner date when we are both free. The past two weeks has been stressful and busy for him, the next two weeks are going to be busy for me. I sometimes feel neglected when he is stressed by work and by school though.

He is a sensitive and respectful man, so I am happy I took a chance and got to know him. I am a difficult person and unknowingly gave him a hard time when we first met, so now I am doing everything I can to be kind, gentle, respectful, caring, and loving towards him. That's another surprising fact.

Thank you all for the advice.

March 31, 2014

Happy Spring everyone! It's been a while, so here is an update.
I ended up meeting with that guy several time for coffee, drink, and so on but never agreed to go on a formal date with him. To him our meetings were "dates".
We had a silly disagreement and misunderstanding one month after we've met, we did not speak for two weeks, but ended up reconciling. I had started to miss him during our disagreement, I missed talking to him, his charming texts etc... It's funny because I did not like him that much he was more into me, but to my surprise, he has been growing on me. I got over the deal breakers.

We've also become very comfortable with each other, so a diner will no longer be awkward. We have not been to that "dinner" date yet, but he thinks that we are in a relationship and wants to take me to that special dinner date when we are both free. The past two weeks has been stressful and busy for him, the next two weeks are going to be busy for me. I sometimes feel neglected when he is stressed by work and by school though.

He is a sensitive and respectful man, so I am happy I took a chance and got to know him. I am a difficult person and unknowingly gave him a hard time when we first met, so now I am doing everything I can to be kind, gentle, respectful, caring, and loving towards him. That's another surprising fact.

Thank you all for the advice.

It's good that you changed your mind. No one needs to be insulted and played that way.

Edited March 31, 2014 by Vocals5

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Do you go on dates just for the sake of dating and free meals?

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