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Do you go on dates just for the sake of dating and free meals?

shybutnotshy

By shybutnotshy
in General Relationship Discussion

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shybutnotshy Member

shybutnotshy

Posted
Posted (edited)

Could you please help an inexperienced mid-20s lady navigate the dating sphere? :confused:

 

If you know you will not pursue a relationship with a guy/girl, would you still go on dates with that person? My philosophy was to neither waste someone's time or mine on a date if I am not attracted to that person, and if I am positive that our relationship will not be more than a friendship.

 

I have met a couple of guys who got angry at me for turning them down, even though I tell them upfront, directly, but gently that the feeling is not mutual. I always refused a date If I was either not interested or not in a position to go out. These guys either take it wrong (two got super angry at me) or keep insisting until I ignore them.

 

Long story short, I recently met someone, he is cute, nice but I am not attracted to him. It would be nice to get to know him and make a new friend, not more than that. He invited me to a diner date and is trying hard to get a yes from me. So should I grab a meal with him and nicely tell him that I'd enjoy it if we could become just good friends?

 

:love:He would be a good match for a friend of mine, I'd love to introduce him to her at a later time, if he doesn't freak out on me when I tell him that we should just be friend.

Edited by shybutnotshy
Kate9292 Established Member

Kate9292

Posted
Posted

I never did it, but you gave me an idea.

 

Anyway, I would definitely go if I were you. If you plan on hooking him up with your friend, he should count his lucky stars, even if you aren't into him. I hope he will be mature and understanding of situation.

  • Like 2
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shybutnotshy Member

shybutnotshy

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I never did it, but you gave me an idea.

 

Anyway, I would definitely go if I were you. If you plan on hooking him up with your friend, he should count his lucky stars, even if you aren't into him. I hope he will be mature and understanding of situation.

 

Which idea did I give you? The free meal lol?

 

I hope he will be mature and respect my feelings towards him. The other two guys exploded in a childish tantrum. I was moving and had too much in my mind once. I warned a guy that I was not planning on going out until after I'm done moving and settle. The guy kept asking me out to diner, happy hour, random hang out in the city even though I was house hunting and told him I was too busy with the move and had too much on mine. A new text would come in every day and I would politely decline the invitation. Then one day, he threw a tantrum and I never heard of him. Good freaking riddance! Funny thing he was just a stranger, not even in the acquaintance/friendship zone.

BikerAccnt Established Member

BikerAccnt

Posted
Posted

No, I wouldn't go on the date with him. Take it from a guy here.

 

If I asked you out, and asked you out specifically for a date, that is what I'd hope to get, not lunch/dinner with a possible friend.

 

I, and most guys I think, would vastly prefer you just turn us down and tell us you're not interested in us that way. If you do that at the start, you're much less likely to have guys get upset with you and feel you took advantage of them for a free meal.

 

Also, the guys you mentioned were also very immature (I don't get mad if I get turned down) or, somehow felt you had led them on.

  • Like 6
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted

When I did online dating, yes. That was the general plan. Accept a lot of dates. It gave me something to do on boring nights after work, I would get some food out of it, decent conversation, etc.

 

However, if after that first date there was no connection and no attraction, then that was it. I didn't go out with those people again and use them for free food or anything else.

  • Like 4
Gottabestrong Established Member

Gottabestrong

Posted
Posted

I am with Katzee. When I am single and online dating, I accept lots of invitations just to get out of the house and have a nice time. HOWEVER, I don't use those guys as a free meal ticket. The first date is usually just for a coffee anyway and I always pay for myself. If I feel there is a mutual connection and I am interested in him romantically, I go out with him again. If not, I tell him and don't waste his time. Sometimes I like a guy but there is no romantic connection and when I tell them they ask if I would be interested in friendship. If I am, I go out with them again, but strictly as friends and always pay for my own dinner and drinks.

  • Like 4
BikerAccnt Established Member

BikerAccnt

Posted
Posted

Kat, but would you accept dates from people you knew off the bat you weren't attracted to? That' the gist I got from the OP.

 

 

If you know ahead of time that you aren't attracted to someone, and know before hand you won't pursue a relationship, and go out with them just for a meal, that's well...I'm not even sure what to call it.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I can afford my own meals thank you very much. I have gone on a few dates with men I had reservations about just to see if on a date made it any better. Sometimes it did; sometimes it didn't. However, if I really wasn't attracted to the person at all, I would not go. Even when on the fence, I steered the date toward something inexpensive, like 1 drink or I tried to pay the check.

 

 

When I was on OLD I was more willing to accept a date / meeting with a guy I wasn't super sure about attraction wise because I couldn't tell anything from a website, a few pictures, some e-mails & a phone call.

  • Like 2
ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

Posted
Posted

Don't do that to the guy and setting him up with a friend?? Might be the worst idea I have ever heard.

 

Think about it... really think about it...if you met a guy that you were really into and he went on a date with you and after he said, "Hey I have a friend that would be perfect for you", you'd want to punch him in the face.

 

In the very least if you went out with a guy you had no interest in on a 'date', you should pay for everything. Anything else would be a pretty lousy statement about your character.

ThatMan Established Member

ThatMan

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've known a few women who try to get as many free meal tickets as possible, even from men who they felt no attraction to. I think those women are trashy...

 

I think that you should go ahead with the date. Pay for your own meal so that he'll be able to enjoy the night out without feeling used. Maybe once the date is over you can talk about it and mention that have a few single friends who you would like to introduce. He'll appreciate a mutually fun night if he has a level head on his shoulders. Most singles find connections through introductions from mutual acquaintances like what you've described.

Edited by ThatMan
phone
  • Like 2
fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
Posted

If you're a woman, one of the perks you get in life is free meals and free drinks at the bar or club. Plus free admission to most college parties or night clubs.

 

And if a man isn't charming enough or good looking enough or whatever to make you want to stick around past date #1, well then paying for your meal is just a penalty he pays for his shortcomings. Just the way it is...

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

When I did online dating (50+ dates to meet Mr. Right!), I *always* offered to pay so it was never about a free meal...

 

That said, I would rarely turn a guy down because I never knew where there might be a deeper connection and that took spending time with the guys.

  • Like 1
bene Established Member

bene

Posted
Posted

I don't desperately need a free meal, so this possibility hasn't crossed my mind. Also I'm shy and a free meal vs awkwardness with a stranger isn't exactly a good tradeoff for me :D

 

If a nice, intelligent, not hideous man asks me out, I would go to the first date just for the sake of dating unless there is some instant red flag or discomfort. I don't know from the first look if I want to pursue a relationship with them, so I would give it a chance. I would not string someone along with multiple dates if I have already positive that nothing will come out of it.

 

When doing OLD, I keep an open mind and go to dates for the sake of giving myself a possibility to meet people. But I always try to establish some connection or just a feeling that I would have something to talk about. I am the minority here but I prefer actually talking to people online for a while before meeting in person. If someone pressures me to meet after three messages, I will feel uncomfortable and it is a turn-off.

 

P.S. I think you dodged a bullet with guys who get angry when turned down politely. If they are aggressive already at the point where they don't even know you and have no business with you, it would probably get worse when you have an actual problem.

  • Like 1
Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted

I will give my answer in the form of a question. How would you like it if people did the same to you?

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
Posted

Yeah I would never get angry if rejected. Just depressed. Go home and listen to some sad songs, wondering why women don't like me...

  • Like 2
GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

Posted
Posted
And if a man isn't charming enough or good looking enough or whatever to make you want to stick around past date #1, well then paying for your meal is just a penalty he pays for his shortcomings. Just the way it is...

 

I agree. I'm sure my age is showing here but I would be highly offended if a woman insisted on going dutch on date #1 -- I would rather she not accept the date in the first place. However, if financial equality is something she feels strongly about, I'd be more than happy to let her pay for date #2. ;)

radiodarcy Established Member

radiodarcy

Posted
Posted

No - - but I never really saw dating as getting a free meal. I usually offer to pay for my own anyway. Some guys take me up on it - - some don't. But I won't go unless I know I can afford it.

 

For some reason I just feel weird about anyone paying for me - - be it on a date or otherwise.

truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

Posted
Posted
Could you please help an inexperienced mid-20s lady navigate the dating sphere? :confused:

 

If you know you will not pursue a relationship with a guy/girl, would you still go on dates with that person? My philosophy was to neither waste someone's time or mine on a date if I am not attracted to that person, and if I am positive that our relationship will not be more than a friendship.

 

I have met a couple of guys who got angry at me for turning them down, even though I tell them upfront, directly, but gently that the feeling is not mutual. I always refused a date If I was either not interested or not in a position to go out. These guys either take it wrong (two got super angry at me) or keep insisting until I ignore them.

 

Long story short, I recently met someone, he is cute, nice but I am not attracted to him. It would be nice to get to know him and make a new friend, not more than that. He invited me to a diner date and is trying hard to get a yes from me. So should I grab a meal with him and nicely tell him that I'd enjoy it if we could become just good friends?

 

:love:He would be a good match for a friend of mine, I'd love to introduce him to her at a later time, if he doesn't freak out on me when I tell him that we should just be friend.

 

There's a term for women who use men for free meals. It's called: dinner whores.

  • Like 3
TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

Posted
Posted

Wait, we get free meals?

  • Like 4
foofoobunny Established Member

foofoobunny

Posted
Posted
Could you please help an inexperienced mid-20s lady navigate the dating sphere? :confused:

 

If you know you will not pursue a relationship with a guy/girl, would you still go on dates with that person? My philosophy was to neither waste someone's time or mine on a date if I am not attracted to that person, and if I am positive that our relationship will not be more than a friendship.

 

I have met a couple of guys who got angry at me for turning them down, even though I tell them upfront, directly, but gently that the feeling is not mutual. I always refused a date If I was either not interested or not in a position to go out. These guys either take it wrong (two got super angry at me) or keep insisting until I ignore them.

 

Long story short, I recently met someone, he is cute, nice but I am not attracted to him. It would be nice to get to know him and make a new friend, not more than that. He invited me to a diner date and is trying hard to get a yes from me. So should I grab a meal with him and nicely tell him that I'd enjoy it if we could become just good friends?

 

:love:He would be a good match for a friend of mine, I'd love to introduce him to her at a later time, if he doesn't freak out on me when I tell him that we should just be friend.

 

Guys go on dates with girls they arent interested in to get sex all the time and dont feel bad about it. Lots of guys do this when they know they'll never want a girl beyond casually. Dont worry about it.

 

You can pay for yourself though on the dates. Then you wouldnt feel guilty

  • Like 1
Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted
Guys go on dates with girls they arent interested in to get sex all the time and dont feel bad about it. Lots of guys do this when they know they'll never want a girl beyond casually. Dont worry about it.

 

You can pay for yourself though on the dates. Then you wouldnt feel guilty

 

Pointing at bad behavior to justify bad behavior ?

  • Like 4
Onethirtyeight Established Member

Onethirtyeight

Posted
Posted

Just be honest about it and say something like "hey I don't like you in that way but I'd still like to eat dinner with you and be friends" Then you split the bill and have a friend that you can introduce to your friend.

 

Don't waste his money and don't play with his feelings, he's not going to be your friend if you do.

  • Like 4
foofoobunny Established Member

foofoobunny

Posted
Posted
Pointing at bad behavior to justify bad behavior ?

 

I told her to pay.

 

And yes, I dont tell women to be perfect angels and have empathy/respect for others when the majority of men dont do the same thing. These are things you take risks with when dating

Babolat Established Member

Babolat

Posted
Posted

I went on 3 dates with a girl I met doing OLD a couple of years ago. On the 3rd date she referenced a book she read, where the woman never said No to a date.

 

She said she tried it for a year, she was working on her Masters, could use the free meals, what the heck.

 

There was no 4th date for me! And, when I tried OLD again a few months ago, she is back on; she must be hungry! :)

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