Husband cheats - would you like to know or let it be?

[Snowflower]

Yeah, you are right. I tried three times, via three channels, three being somewhat the "magical" number. Everything beyond that would be too much. And actually I am done with it. At least with my actions. It just makes me still wonder.

 

First off, kudos for trying to inform the BS. You had proof and did what you could.

 

But just keep in mind that you have no idea what she is thinking/feeling/doing. She might not care to acknowledge or even think to acknowledge your messages. Or, her husband might have intercepted them, or as is very common, he has told her all sorts of lies to discredit you.

 

But again, you did what you could and based on what you post, you did the right thng.

 

The only thing I would maybe you suggest you think about is WHY you are so curious about why she supposedly hasn't done anything. Besides not knowing what she is really doing, it is really not your problem.

 

One final thought, sometimes we concentrate on the actions of others instead of looking inward and examining our own choices and behaviors.

[LornaFE]

One final thought, sometimes we concentrate on the actions of others instead of looking inward and examining our own choices and behaviors.

 

Don't worry, I knew why I contacted her. And I admit am not as good a person as Mother Teresa. Of course not. Part of it was wanting him to reveal his real self. He did, to me at least. His messages to me were frightening, so I had my solid proof what kind of "person" he really is.

[HtotheN]

I would always want to know. I understand that some may want to tell but might be afraid of resentment ("shooting the messenger" kind of thing) but an anonymous letter could always be sent.

[thinkingofhim]

Im no longer married but I guess it would depend on when and how it happened, if it was a ONS at the beginning of our R for example I would rather not know to be honest, an ongoing A is a different matter...

[Iguanna]

I find it really hard to believe that my husband would cheat on me and I would not understand it, unless he would be a great actor - which he isn't, or else I would not be with him. If I would receive such an information, I would immediately talk to my husband about it. In my life I have decided and I'm gonna keep it that I will NEVER let third parties get involved in my relationship. If they try to, I will cut their heads off, like you do at snakes (I mean figuratively of course, don't start saying I'm a killer ). I will work things with my husband and only him. I'll try never to let anyone influence me against my husband.

[jnel921]

Lorna,

 

In this day and age the results of infidelity are too devastating to be ignored. The possibility of STDs, missing funds, lying, fighting, and so many other things to list.

 

Why would someone not want to know? That person must live in a little bubble. Reality bites you really hard on the a$$ when that bubble bursts.

[Trypto]

Dear wifes,

 

if your husband was cheating on you, but you would not notice, would you still like to know? If others were telling you, but he denies, what would you do? Who is entitled to tell you? What proof would you need to believe a stranger contacting you telling your husband is unfaithful?

If his cheating would not influence your normal life, would you let him do it, as long as it doesn't affect your reputation as a couple?

Do you think you could cope with the truth of someone else or stick with your own? Is it worth all the oncoming pain?

 

I absolutely would like to know. In fact, the TRUTH is nothing less than holy to me.

The way I see it, is precisely the secrecy which fuels the affair; the affair needs to be kept in the dark and protected because it will die under scrutiny in the harsh light of reality. In this way, the two participants are parisitizing off someone else. There needs to be a BS in order for the affair to reach sufficient heights.

 

Also, because an affair is mostly a fantasy, the truth is the needle that will prick the bubble - it needs to avoided. Often the cheaters are so "high" on Mother Nature's drugs that they view themselves as special; destined; perfect match; soulmates.

 

The truth is what I wanted above all because an affair is humiliating; a slap in my face - the cliché holds, the wife is the last one to know. Soo.. I bugged his phone and found out everything; this put us on equal ground. Hehe

[Trypto]

Sorry I see that I didn't answer your questions properly.

Anybody can tell me as long as there is proof, for example text messages; phone records - something on record from a third party like a cellphone service provider.

Reputation is important if you have children - after all it is their reputation too. I would still like to know, for me, but I wouldn't make a scene.

Any news in the order of,"your husband is cheating on you" would raise my eyebrows. Any normal woman who has invested heart, body, soul, time and personal dreams in the marriage would like to know if she is sitting with a rotten egg or not. After all, she also has just one life; she also would like to maximize her happiness.

[Trypto]

A married husband lied to me about being single. We were a couple for 3 month. I found out, when he went for his Christmas holiday and had several excuses not to take me with him and finally told me he was married but only loves me, wanted to divorce anyway and all the blahblah cheaters tell. So, I found out his wife's name. I contacted her three times, she never answered and blocked all the possible channels. I know i got the right women bc he texted me, being very mad at me.

So, she is one of the "I do not want to know" category.

Some people would search the net for "got a message that my husband is cheating on me, he denies, what to do next", I guess she typed "got a message from a stranger about my husband being unfaithful, how to block her".

Strange. If your husband is just a regular guy, nothing special with no big power over someone, who would possibly make up such a story? I would always take it seriously if someone told me my husband / bf was unfaithful and be at least more cautious than before.

But well, that is just me. You cannot look into people's heads. I told her, there is nothing more I could do. I am done with the story.

 

But I do not get her behaviour. Has anyone an explanation for this? She is catholic, might this be a factor?

 

I was also betrayed by my husband. He had an affair; I found out because the mistress sent text messages on purpose late at night knowing he would be asleep. The incoming sound woke me; I found out. Exactly what she wanted. But she wanted me to go crazy or something and divorce him. It didn't happen.

But to get to the point. My husband dropped the affair, and then started soliciting our next door neighbour. I found out by checking his phone records. The neighbour and I were actually friends, so I asked her one day, please tell me what was written in those text messages he sent you? She didn't hesitate to show them to me - she was actually brushing him off the whole time.

For her honesty I am forever grateful to her. She has character.

 

In your case, you have been deceived by the MM as well. He used you, because he allowed you to live in a place in your mind that wasn't real, ie. he's single; loves you; you have a future together etc. - all fluff. What he did to you is exactly the same as what he was doing to his wife.

For telling his wife shows you have character too. Whether she likes what she hears or not is irrelevant: you can only do so much. What the W does with the information from here on is up to her.