LornaFE Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Dear wifes, if your husband was cheating on you, but you would not notice, would you still like to know? If others were telling you, but he denies, what would you do? Who is entitled to tell you? What proof would you need to believe a stranger contacting you telling your husband is unfaithful? If his cheating would not influence your normal life, would you let him do it, as long as it doesn't affect your reputation as a couple? Do you think you could cope with the truth of someone else or stick with your own? Is it worth all the oncoming pain? Thanks for your answers Lorna PS: Husband's answers on cheating wifes, welcome, too. 1
dichotomy Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) Dear wifes, if your husband was cheating on you, but you would not notice, would you still like to know? If others were telling you, but he denies, what would you do? Who is entitled to tell you? What proof would you need to believe a stranger contacting you telling your husband is unfaithful? If his cheating would not influence your normal life, would you let him do it, as long as it doesn't affect your reputation as a couple? Do you think you could cope with the truth of someone else or stick with your own? Is it worth all the oncoming pain? Thanks for your answers Lorna PS: Husband's answers on cheating wifes, welcome, too. My two cents. Yes I want to know. No matter the information I am always one to want to know the truth or as much as possible, of whats going on or has gone on. If someone contacted me with information that my wife was cheating (again now or did in the past) I would followup on it. I would NOT confront wife at this point or believe it necessarily =, I would simply question the source as much as possible to provide proof - and then investigate the "possibility" in other ways. So after investigating more it comes down to how much I can validate or confirm what has been said or not. Problem is most people - they run to a possible wayward spouse with a slim piece of information (that may or not not be real) and then they blow all chances of finding out or they insult an innocent spouse. Keep it to yourself until it is clear one way or another. The next step you seem to get to is what to do next. That's a whole another decision process I suspect 99% of people if they find there spouse is cheating are gone demand either No Contact/NC end to affair, or divorce. But there maybe 1% that depending on the nature of the affair or their views on the marriage and kids ...may do nothing for now... or something unconventional - or even live with it as you mention. I do know of the occasional spouse (usually a woman) knows her husband gets some elsewhere, and turns a blind eye as long as she has her life and family and social status intact, I have read occasionally that a betrayed spouse may also then ask (or not ask) to go get some on the side for themselves as well (open or hidden open marriage) or cut the sex out of the marriage entirely and become roommates if they were not already. Rare but it happens. But my point is that armed with full (or best possible) information - then the decision is up to you. But I am for informed decisions. Edited December 30, 2013 by dichotomy 1
harrybrown Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I do want more information about her affair. I was sent information that she has always denied. Limbo sucks. 3
compulsivedancer Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) My strategy as WS was deny, deny, deny. Until it was clear that H had transcripts of our text conversations, at which point I finally came clean. That is the type of evidence you need. Someone on here said they received blurry naked photos that might be his wife, maybe in their bedroom. That's denyable evidence, and so he's not really sure! It needs to be something the WS personally wrote (emails, texts, FB messages), and it needs to be incriminating (explicit or ILYs), or it needs to be photos that clearly show him/her kissing or in a compromising position with the OM/OW. On the other hand, if someone suspects, they could say, I've seen some suspicious things. It might be worth looking into. Then hopefully the BS is able to back it up by looking at phone bills/credit card statements, etc. Of course, in my case, H KNEW OM and I hung out at his place (supposedly as friends), so it would not be enough for him to see a phone bill or know that I had gone over there. He needed something more explicit, like the transcript. Of course, he was trying to get me to come clean on my own. I almost did, and I wish I had. Edited December 30, 2013 by compulsivedancer
pteromom Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Dear wifes, if your husband was cheating on you, but you would not notice, would you still like to know? Heck yes! I would not want to risk catching a disease. If others were telling you, but he denies, what would you do? Depends who the "others" are, what they are saying, and why they are saying it. Who is entitled to tell you? Anyone. What proof would you need to believe a stranger contacting you telling your husband is unfaithful? Again, this is vague and would depend on so many factors. Does what the stranger is saying fall into the realm of possibility (timelines/places/people add up)? What does my gut say? If his cheating would not influence your normal life, would you let him do it, as long as it doesn't affect your reputation as a couple? I would, but I am in a unique situation, and I wouldn't recommend being okay with cheating for everyone. Do you think you could cope with the truth of someone else or stick with your own? Is it worth all the oncoming pain? I could, but again, my situation is not the norm. If you are in pain over it, I would not recommend coping, but either going to counseling with your husband or divorcing. 1
oldshirt Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Dear wifes, if your husband was cheating on you, but you would not notice, If his cheating would not influence your normal life, would you let him do it, as long as it doesn't affect your reputation as a couple? This kind of like saying would it be ok if your spouse smokes crack and holds up liquor stores as long as it doesn't interfer with your normal life. That's why it's called cheating, because it usurps the primary relationship and interferes with normal life. It's a non sequitur. Only the cheater him/herself thinks it won't interfer with or affect the BS. that's part of their delusional state. 7
Arieswoman Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Sound common sense from oldshirt, as usual. 1
Author LornaFE Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 @oldshirt: In the case I am asking for the cheating of the husband does not influence the BS, because she cannot know. They live in different countries, even on different continents and when she comes to visit they travel around Europe, but he does not take her to the city he works. So whatever he does, no one back in the US knows, and therefore, as long as he gets no STD and gives it to his spouse, there is no influence to her life at all. I wanted to ask more generally to get more possible answers.
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I would want to know but I'd probably hire a private detective to get more proof.
Ringa78 Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 It almost seems like it's not worth it to tell. There's of course the chance the other person won't believe you if you don't have enough evidence. At the end of the day I don't think the OW does it to help out the wife (sorry i don't know all these acronyms), I believe she does it for herself and to hurt the husband/wife. MAYBE there's a little bit of guilt they feel towards the spouse but i doubt it. They wouldn't have been doing it in the first place if they felt that bad. If i ever got myself in the situation where i was the OW and i WANTED to email the spouse, I'd just walk away from the whole situation. I don't want that kind of drama. Even if i had no idea he had a wife and I just found out...i'd walk away without saying a word. That's just me.
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 It almost seems like it's not worth it to tell. There's of course the chance the other person won't believe you if you don't have enough evidence. At the end of the day I don't think the OW does it to help out the wife (sorry i don't know all these acronyms), I believe she does it for herself and to hurt the husband/wife. MAYBE there's a little bit of guilt they feel towards the spouse but i doubt it. They wouldn't have been doing it in the first place if they felt that bad. If i ever got myself in the situation where i was the OW and i WANTED to email the spouse, I'd just walk away from the whole situation. I don't want that kind of drama. Even if i had no idea he had a wife and I just found out...i'd walk away without saying a word. That's just me. If my husband was cheating I would want to know. However, I'm not sure I would always tell the BS if I knew their spouse was cheating. It would depend on how well I knew the people involved. For example, a long time ago I was the new person in the office & it was "common knowledge" that both of the senior managers were having affairs. I certainly never said anything to their wives. If the BS was a close friend or family member of course I would speak up.
darkmoon Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I would want to know and have back-up plans and once, only once, there is proof some turn a blind eye, only if they will be thrown into poverty as a single mom, so get down-to-earth legal advice before emoting or even saying a word to him seen a few people on this forum become very shrewd with lawyers before anything was said at home, srs
scatterd Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Yes I would want to know. It would not matter who from but I would like enough to prove it but hearing it would be something I would want.Sometimes it hurts worse not knowing.
Ringa78 Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 'Sometimes it hurts worse not knowing.' but what if you never ever knew? I cheated on someone 10 years ago. It was with someone i met in a bar. He came home with me to my friend's house, i was drunk and we had sex. I NEVER told my boyfriend at the time about it and he never would have known. That is the scary thing about cheating.
MuddyFootprints Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Dear wifes, if your husband was cheating on you, but you would not notice, would you still like to know? If others were telling you, but he denies, what would you do? Who is entitled to tell you? What proof would you need to believe a stranger contacting you telling your husband is unfaithful? If his cheating would not influence your normal life, would you let him do it, as long as it doesn't affect your reputation as a couple? Do you think you could cope with the truth of someone else or stick with your own? Is it worth all the oncoming pain? Thanks for your answers Lorna PS: Husband's answers on cheating wifes, welcome, too. Yes, I would want to know. I would not sleep with him until I knew the absolute truth. Anyone is entitled to tell me. I would definitely be curious enough to do some serious snooping. I tend to trust my instinct. It's usually pretty accurate. It is only fair for a spouse to know that they are participating in an open ended marriage. I wouldn't be intimate with him. I might be prepared to initiate a business agreement, though. The game isn't necessarily over once everyone plays their cards.
Author LornaFE Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 A married husband lied to me about being single. We were a couple for 3 month. I found out, when he went for his Christmas holiday and had several excuses not to take me with him and finally told me he was married but only loves me, wanted to divorce anyway and all the blahblah cheaters tell. So, I found out his wife's name. I contacted her three times, she never answered and blocked all the possible channels. I know i got the right women bc he texted me, being very mad at me. So, she is one of the "I do not want to know" category. Some people would search the net for "got a message that my husband is cheating on me, he denies, what to do next", I guess she typed "got a message from a stranger about my husband being unfaithful, how to block her". Strange. If your husband is just a regular guy, nothing special with no big power over someone, who would possibly make up such a story? I would always take it seriously if someone told me my husband / bf was unfaithful and be at least more cautious than before. But well, that is just me. You cannot look into people's heads. I told her, there is nothing more I could do. I am done with the story. But I do not get her behaviour. Has anyone an explanation for this? She is catholic, might this be a factor?
Author LornaFE Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Who knows why she doesn't want to know. Maybe they have an open relationship, an understanding since they don't live together. What are you going to do? Are you unhappy to continue the affair knowing his status will likely not change? Gosh, no! There is no continuing of an "affair"! That guy was lying all the time! The "relationship" was over when he told me was married and went the next day to see his wife. So all his blahblah about love was only words. Even if he would divorce and all that I would NEVER EVER want him back. Who wants such a dishonest person in his/her life? Me certainly not! He got very upset when I contacted her. So I doubt that they have an open relationship. I am done with it - I contacted her and she chose not to believe me. 2
BoxOfRain Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I hated being the last to know while WW's friends were covering for her. Those are two people I hope to never see or speak with again. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 A married husband lied to me about being single. We were a couple for 3 month. I found out, when he went for his Christmas holiday and had several excuses not to take me with him and finally told me he was married but only loves me, wanted to divorce anyway and all the blahblah cheaters tell. So, I found out his wife's name. I contacted her three times, she never answered and blocked all the possible channels. I know i got the right women bc he texted me, being very mad at me. So, she is one of the "I do not want to know" category. Some people would search the net for "got a message that my husband is cheating on me, he denies, what to do next", I guess she typed "got a message from a stranger about my husband being unfaithful, how to block her". Strange. If your husband is just a regular guy, nothing special with no big power over someone, who would possibly make up such a story? I would always take it seriously if someone told me my husband / bf was unfaithful and be at least more cautious than before. But well, that is just me. You cannot look into people's heads. I told her, there is nothing more I could do. I am done with the story. But I do not get her behaviour. Has anyone an explanation for this? She is catholic, might this be a factor? He explained you away into the cornfield, sweetie. You are the nut-job stalker who had a crush on him and pursued HIM despite his protestations he is a happily married man. She believed him because she loves and trusts him. That's normal. What proof did you provide? Did you send texts? Emails? A timeline of your relationship? because you should. You really, really should. Would your family, who loves and trusts you, blindly accept an anonymous call or email disparaging your character? Of course not. 1
Ringa78 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 how do you know she doesn't believe you? Did it ever occur to you that maybe she got the message but has nothing to say to you? Maybe she doesn't want to give you the time of day. It really sounds like you want a dramatic reaction out of her. I'm not sure why you didn't provide proof either. Many people will not believe a stranger over their spouse without proof. 1
Author LornaFE Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I'm not sure why you didn't provide proof either. Many people will not believe a stranger over their spouse without proof. I actually did provide proof. Phone-screenshots of the cheesy stuff he wrote to me when they were already on their Christmas holiday. But this came as an attachment to the messages. Maybe she was afraid opening it. I do not know. I actually have a backuped text file of the whole conversation, but the smilies with all the hearts and kisses that he sent me seemed more convincing than a text file. 1
Ringa78 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 My guesses are these: a) she is just not going to respond to you b) she didn't see the messages from you I'd let it go...you could keep sending her messages...but then you look crazy and intrusive.
Author LornaFE Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 I'd let it go...you could keep sending her messages...but then you look crazy and intrusive. Yeah, you are right. I tried three times, via three channels, three being somewhat the "magical" number. Everything beyond that would be too much. And actually I am done with it. At least with my actions. It just makes me still wonder.
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