k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 A little history, been "together" for around 3 years, but there have always been commitment issues from his side, which has been making me feel increasingly unhappy as I've never really felt secure in this relationship. He is attractive and has many female friends who chase him. He doesn't get intimately involved with them, but always stays in contact with them, and I don't think he has ever referred to me as is "girlfriend" when he talks to them. At the moment I'm feeling numb and just need some outside perspectives please.. The email (i've edited some parts out): I have had this in my heart for a few days now. I know that you have sensed it because you have asked. I lied to you and said that everything is ok ....... but it is not. I have noticed that we are growing apart. I am not sure of the exact date at which it started but I suspect that it was around the time we went away.... Since then, we aren't really intimate anymore and we barely look at one another. I have noticed that you don’t look at me like you used too. I do not see any excitement in your eyes anymore and you seem unhappy. At first i thought that you are just a negative person but over time, I have listened to what you say and it is more than just pessimism. I think that it is me that makes you unhappy. I don’t know what I have done to perpetuate this or even if I have done anything. Maybe somewhere along the way, one of us changed. Maybe its because i am complicated and have issues. Maybe because you feel that i somehow restrict you. Maybe it might be because i told you that I have commitment issues and this scared you away... so many possibilities I know you so well and yet I know nothing about you. When I try to get to know you then you are vague and I have started wondering how much i actually know... You don’t talk much about your past, you avoid discussions and so many things that I have to guess most of it from fragments and I don’t know how to grow closer to you. All I know is that something is dead and I know it. I remember a long time ago, when I first started to question my commitment issues, I suggested that we rather break up..... you said to me, “ Thank you for doing this because I don’t think i would have had the courage to do it”..... Maybe i have overstayed my welcome and you just don’t have the courage to say it... They say that we should never settle for someone who is perfect to live with... we should only settle for someone we just can’t live without..... I have been unable to let go because there is nothing out there that compares.... i am surrounded by women who would do anything to be my lover and yet none of them even come close. The other night I was looking at you whilst you slept. You are so beautiful. I suspect that might be the reason I am holding on like this. Maybe I am afraid that i won’t meet someone as beautiful as you. Maybe I am afraid that i won’t meet someone with your unspeakably attractive knowledge of music and design. Maybe I am just afraid that if you are not in my life then there will be no one to nurture me. Maybe it is because I dread the thought that you will be with another man.... I have been putting this off since a few weeks ago when i realised what was going on. It is evident that this is something i have to do. Not just for me... maybe it is for you I don’t know where to go from here. I have all types of sadness in me right now and it feels like my flesh is being ripped apart. I have tears and anxiety and fear right now as my fingers touch these keys. Am I someone that you just can’t live without? Are you someone that I just can’t live without? Im going to say it .... I have to stop seeing you for a while. Just a few weeks. Please don’t phone me to discuss this mail. Text is better. If i hear your voice , I will forget all of this that I have written and go back to the only comfort that I know.... This will always leave me wondering if i was right about us or not ... I DREAD the idea that you might be hurt and i take comfort in the belief that you will probably be relieved like you said before. I'm not sure what to do...
soph12 Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Well, do you agree with what he wrote? does he make you unhappy?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Wow u actually got a half decent explanation thats a rarity ! :-) x He sounds somewhat insecure to me, I think u are both pushing each other away... I think maybe u should take a little time apart then get together and talk... u both need to lay your cards on the table and be honest about how u are feeling x good luck x 1
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 soph 12 - the commitment issues are making me unhappy... Thanks HeartbrokenNewbie, you are right, we are both pushing each other away, I know I have been quite distant over the last couple of weeks. I'm also insecure and don't have the best communication skills when it comes to things like this. x
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 This is what happened to ex and I, the worst problem is that when people feel insecure they are more reluctant than ever to admit how they really feel. It certainly sounds to me that he is picking up vibes from u and trying to get some reassurance but u are also needing the reassurance from the commitment issues. Certainly doesnt sound like he wants to let go or lose u.. and u clearly dont really want to lose him... its got to be worth a totally honest and open conversation x
skydiveaddict Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I'm not sure what to do... Why are you reading any of his emails at all? Are you a glutton for misery?
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Yea.. being insecure a major issue.. I'm always scared that if I convey how I feel, that it will chase him away.. which is not productive at all! Thank you for your insights, it is definitely worth a honest and open conversation x
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Why are you reading any of his emails at all? Are you a glutton for misery? Can you explain what you mean by this?
skydiveaddict Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Can you explain what you mean by this? Yes I can. Read your opening post.
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Yes I can. Read your opening post. Ok... point taken.. the reason for my initial unhappiness, comittment..
fixing Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 He seems very controlling in that letter. Also, i felt the overwhelming message in that letter was that it was your fault. The letter seemed to be all about him and what HE wants
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 He seems very controlling in that letter. Also, i felt the overwhelming message in that letter was that it was your fault. The letter seemed to be all about him and what HE wants Thanks for your perspective fixing - it does help to hear other's points of view. Thinking back, perhaps another reason for my unhappiness is that it doesn't come naturally for him to consider my needs as well.
fixing Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Thanks for your perspective fixing - it does help to hear other's points of view. Thinking back, perhaps another reason for my unhappiness is that it doesn't come naturally for him to consider my needs as well. Thats exactly the impression i got from him in that letter. He doesnt seem to be talking about you or your needs. He seems to be putting alot of the break down of the relationship on you. And then he runs through a long list of want he wants, desires, and needs. I dont know, that was my impression in the letter. What actually happened? Who broke up with who etc?
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 What actually happened? Who broke up with who etc? Well we haven't had a break up discussion, I'm assuming that this letter is it though. Recent events: - the day after xmas he phoned in the morning to say he was going to a market with friends, I didn't hear from him the whole day and then he phoned at around six in the evening to say that he had such an awesome day, they ended up having a party and he didn't stay near his phone.. and then mentioned that.. he was worried because he felt guilty as he didn't get in touch with me for the whole day and that he has been doing his own thing lately. He mentioned that he started to resent his ex from many years ago, due to this issue, i.e having to consider/worry about someone else while he was having fun and if they were okay just being at home alone... - yesterday he said he would like to go away with a bunch of guys and that it would be over new year's eve. I said he should go if that's what will make him happy. It was kinda left undecided. He came over to my house, we watched a movie, had dinner and he went home. I woke up to the letter...
fixing Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Oh, i see, sorry, i was a little confused, and by looking at your join date i assumed this was an letter from an ex from before... I think you know what to do. Start no contact. With that letter being the only insight i have into your ex, he seems quite full of himself and a little arrogant. And he is blaming alot on you. He obviously wants to go now and 'discover' himself or whatever it is dumpers do. Well, he certainly made his choice, so i reckon you start No contact and move on from him. Dont bother replying, there's no point. You deserve better than a break up EMAIL.
Kopite Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Hmmm. I'm not entirely sure this is the right thing to do just yet, fixing. I wrote a similar letter to my girlfriend a month ago who was confused about her feelings for me in a bid to wake her up a little bit or scare her into trying harder to fix our relationship. I also asked her for a two week break (even though I was still insanely in love with her- to see what her reaction would be). In the end, I didn't get the reaction I wanted as she just replied with "I'm Sorry" and now we've broken up. You can see this as two things. 1) Fixing is right and it's an indirect break-up letter putting all the blame on k10k for the end of the relationship and now he wants to take a break. 2) It's a desperate attempt at getting k10k to wake up a little and work on the relationship and confirm her love for him. Yes, his letter is selfish but for me it's down to the fact that he is insecure and perhaps wants to know if you still feel the same way. It's a tricky situation and I wouldn't do/write anything drastic. Take a day or two to think about your response. 2
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Hmmm. I'm not entirely sure this is the right thing to do just yet, fixing. I wrote a similar letter to my girlfriend a month ago who was confused about her feelings for me in a bid to wake her up a little bit or scare her into trying harder to fix our relationship. I also asked her for a two week break (even though I was still insanely in love with her- to see what her reaction would be). In the end, I didn't get the reaction I wanted as she just replied with "I'm Sorry" and now we've broken up. You can see this as two things. 1) Fixing is right and it's an indirect break-up letter putting all the blame on k10k for the end of the relationship and now he wants to take a break. 2) It's a desperate attempt at getting k10k to wake up a little and work on the relationship and confirm her love for him. Yes, his letter is selfish but for me it's down to the fact that he is insecure and perhaps wants to know if you still feel the same way. It's a tricky situation and I wouldn't do/write anything drastic. Take a day or two to think about your response. Thanks Kopite. This sure is confusing. I just broke down and texted him to ask if we could have an open discussion before "not speaking to each other". No reply as yet. It's all sinking in and I'm starting to feel that rather sad and a little now.
k100danny Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 this is similar to what happened to me with my ex where i broke it off. I'm quite an anxious person, not anxious of the relationship or commitment issues i actually want a great relationship it was just my anxiety made me think i was making the other person unhappy and she was also insecure and found it hard to express her feelings to me sometimes. I have been honest with my ex about my mistakes and haven't put it on her i don't think but it seems that's what he is doing to you, this doesnt always make him a bad person, some people have to tell themselves its the other person in their mind to justify what they have done. It does seem like he is putting this on you though and he says things like im worried i wont find anyone like you ( but he isn't fully commited to you after 3 years) I hope this doesn't upset you but there is a saying of something like " we would put down many things if we weren't scared of who would pick them up again" and that seems like what hes doing, basically saying he's unhappy and it's your fault but he doesnt want to let go because he might not be able to find better. 1
fixing Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Thanks Kopite. This sure is confusing. I just broke down and texted him to ask if we could have an open discussion before "not speaking to each other". No reply as yet. It's all sinking in and I'm starting to feel that rather sad and a little now. Ok. I know its hard. But, he has bailed out on you here. He has broken up with you by email, on his strict terms! No calls, doesnt want to hear your voice etc. ME ME ME You obviously still love him, but im seriously hoping he doesnt text you back and that you go into no contact for a good while. Like the poster above me said, 'he is afraid that another man will scoop you up, and that he wont find better' Really hope you take a lot of time to analyse that letter and get a third party perspective on this.
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 It does seem like he is putting this on you though and he says things like im worried i wont find anyone like you ( but he isn't fully commited to you after 3 years) I hope this doesn't upset you but there is a saying of something like " we would put down many things if we weren't scared of who would pick them up again" and that seems like what hes doing, basically saying he's unhappy and it's your fault but he doesnt want to let go because he might not be able to find better. Thanks for your thoughts danny, your quote is not upsetting, rather food for thought and I appreciate that..
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Really hope you take a lot of time to analyse that letter and get a third party perspective on this. Ok, I will try. Now is not the time to do anything rash, I just don't want to regret not telling him how I feel.
CarrieT Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Ok, I will try. Now is not the time to do anything rash, I just don't want to regret not telling him how I feel. I think it is too late; that was a break-up letter and the guy is too spineless to do it face-to-face. Stop texting him; it only makes you look week. If he were remotely concerned with your feelings, he would have talked to you and not ended it this way, don't you see? As others have said, this was all about him and he didn't bother to take into account - at all! - your reaction or feelings. So go No Contact; you will be better off without him. 1
Author k10k Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 If he were remotely concerned with your feelings, he would have talked to you and not ended it this way, don't you see? As others have said, this was all about him and he didn't bother to take into account - at all! - your reaction or feelings. Urgh, I'm thinking that perhaps you're right.. he is not considering how I feel about this, or how it will affect me. He just replied to my text asking to have a discussion with... "ok, I don't have a problem with that at all, I'll be back the day after new years". wtf, so i must wait, while he goes off and enjoys his trip. ....I suppose lots of time and space will = perspective.
Kopite Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Ok, I will try. Now is not the time to do anything rash, I just don't want to regret not telling him how I feel. It's hard to accept but if he really sees you as a plan B or something he is scared to lose, then it's pretty much over. You have to give him the space and break up with him. He needs to find for himself what he wants and stop screwing you around. At the same time, if you have been changing the way you act around him for a while now because of your insecurities then maybe he is getting scared or has already accepted the situation (of your relationship not being the same anymore) and moved on. NC is the best thing for sure cases. However, the way he wrote this letter and has not responded to you will only give you doubt and false hope, which is not fair to you. I'm not sure what to tell you but the last thing you want to do is hassle him with lots of e-mails and push him further away. You will just seem weak.
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