What defines controlling?

[NapoleonNotSheep]

Guys what do you think about this things.

 

If I want to know the truth am I being controlling?

 

And for example what would you think if your gf would rather go with some guy "friend" to his guy friends for christmas eve rather than being with you? And there are 5 guys and her.

 

Also are you controlling if you don't let your girlfriend to hang out with guys? And if you don't like her going to clubs and getting drunk except if you both go?

 

I mean I am fine if she hangs out with girls but I don't like her to go out clubbing or go alone to some house where there are only guys.

 

I also think guys and girls can't be friends. Because guys are only friends with girls they want to stick their penis inside. Except if they are friends from when they were little then thats different story.

[pickflicker]

Yeah, I'd think that was controlling. You're basically saying that she's unable to make good decisions if there's another penis (and alcohol) in the room, unless you're there to baby sit her.

 

I would find that insulting.

[NapoleonNotSheep]

I would find insulting that she wouldn't want me there. Where is the point in relationship if you don't want me near you? Also she wouldn't want me to speak with one girl let alone go to with 5 girls.

 

I don't get it why would you want to go clubbing with someone else rather than with someone you suppose to love?

 

And you rly didn't answer my other questions.

[pickflicker]

If your girlfriend doesn't want to hang out with you, maybe there's a problem in your relationship?

 

Also, you didn't mention that your girlfriend is attempting to exert the same control over you.

 

I believe that guys and girls can be friends. I don't want be friends with just girls, that gets boring. They're needs to be a balance. I also believe in not being joined at the hip all the time.

 

But maybe you guys just aren't compatible. The whole power-struggle thing gets exhausting pretty quick.

 

If I've got the wrong end of the stick, you need to explain it better, because what I'm hearing is, you can't let her within 3 feet of a dude because you might turn your back and his penis will be inside her.

 

If she can't drink and be trusted, it's not the drink, it's her.

[NapoleonNotSheep]

Yes I didn't because it is much worse than that. But that's not the point. I just want to see how you would see this just based on me. I think there should be some boundaries in serious relationship. Otherwise I can go out and have sex and not commit my time to anyone.

 

I think you too wouldn't want your girlfriend to have sex with someone else and would see a problem in that. I didn't say she needs to be with me all the time. Sure I let her go with her girl friends and sometimes with this guy friend. But every friend of mine said the same that girls can't have friends. Because the only girl friend I wanted to have was the one I wanted to have sex with.

 

I mean the only thing that bothers me is that she would choose someone else to hang out on christmas eve. Or that she wouldn't want me with her when she goes out clubbing. And I don't see reason why would she need to go out with 5 guys... Everything else I don't care she can do whatever.

 

But if you are not controlling only if you let her do whatever she wants then I don't see point in a relationship and even less how would you get married and live together. There is no space when you live together.

[pickflicker]

You asked my opinion and I gave it to you.

 

If your friends are validating your views, go talk to them.

 

I would invite my bf to anything I was going to. But if he didn't want to go and insisted I couldn't either because he wasn't there to keep an eye on me - sayonara.

Edited December 30, 2013 by pickflicker

[NapoleonNotSheep]

So in ur opinion not controlling mean she can do w/e she wants? And basically not give a s***?

[pickflicker]

So in ur opinion not controlling mean she can do w/e she wants? And basically not give a s***?

 

I didn't say that.

 

You have to trust your partner around other people. You either don't trust her, or you don't trust other people. If you trust her but don't trust other people, there shouldn't be issue. People can hit on her but if she's trustworthy, you have nothing to worry about. But you don't trust her. If you can't trust her, you have no business dating her. And this kind of control ends up leading to cheating faster than you can imagine.

[NapoleonNotSheep]

I do trust her but if she doesn't want me to come along what do you think how should I feel?

 

If I can invite her why she can't...

[pickflicker]

I do trust her but if she doesn't want me to come along what do you think how should I feel?

 

If I can invite her why she can't...

 

You're being excluded and she's trying to make it your fault. I'd be looking for a new gf.

[NapoleonNotSheep]

So you agree there need to be some boundaries in a relationship? And do you let your bf do everything he likes?

[pickflicker]

So you agree there need to be some boundaries in a relationship? And do you let your bf do everything he likes?

 

My biggest concern is your belief that guys and girls can't be friends. That's completely untrue.

 

I believe that relationships need to have honesty and communication and a mutually agreed guideline for what is appropriate behaviour. If one person is deliberately excluding the other, that is cause for concern. But if you don't trust your girl to go out to a club where there are guys and girls, and imbibe alcohol and maintain decorum, then they're not the person for you.

 

Personally, I think you're fighting a losing battle. Excluding is a step away from lying.

 

I'm not going to want to go to everything my bf does, and vice versa. But I wouldn't delineate exclude. But I have to trust a person to do to the right thing. I can't stop them, in the hopes that restrictions will prevent cheating because sadly, they don't. If someone wants to cheat, they'll find a way, with or without a person controlling them.

[NapoleonNotSheep]

I didn't say they can't copletly be friends. If they were friends before like from childhood or something. Because if I get new girl friend for sure I am her friend and I listen to her cus I want her in bed. Because otherwise I can get male friend that we have more in common.

 

I don't trust guys + alcohol. And then if she f**** up something and will beg for forgiveness its over and it could be prevented if you know what I mean. Because I know you can't stop cheating. And also I don't get why someone cheats. Why they just don't break up with whoever they are and then they can go and f*** whatever they want

[pickflicker]

I didn't say they can't copletly be friends. If they were friends before like from childhood or something. Because if I get new girl friend for sure I am her friend and I listen to her cus I want her in bed. Because otherwise I can get male friend that we have more in common.

 

I don't trust guys + alcohol. And then if she f**** up something and will beg for forgiveness its over and it could be prevented if you know what I mean. Because I know you can't stop cheating. And also I don't get why someone cheats. Why they just don't break up with whoever they are and then they can go and f*** whatever they want

 

You have a really antiquated view of male and female platonic relationships.

 

I make guy friends because too many girls are bitchy and tiring. I like a mix of both. Plus, I have more in common with them (I work in sport, and my musical tastes are guy skewed). But they are my surrogate brothers, not potential conquests. Any that don't respect that relationship, are flicked immediately.

 

Look, it's clear you want the clingy type. If your gf isn't that type, find another one.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 30, 2013 by pickflicker

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes I didn't because it is much worse than that. But that's not the point. I just want to see how you would see this just based on me. I think there should be some boundaries in serious relationship. Otherwise I can go out and have sex and not commit my time to anyone.

 

I think you too wouldn't want your girlfriend to have sex with someone else and would see a problem in that. I didn't say she needs to be with me all the time. Sure I let her go with her girl friends and sometimes with this guy friend. But every friend of mine said the same that girls can't have friends. Because the only girl friend I wanted to have was the one I wanted to have sex with.

 

I mean the only thing that bothers me is that she would choose someone else to hang out on christmas eve. Or that she wouldn't want me with her when she goes out clubbing. And I don't see reason why would she need to go out with 5 guys... Everything else I don't care she can do whatever.

 

But if you are not controlling only if you let her do whatever she wants then I don't see point in a relationship and even less how would you get married and live together. There is no space when you live together.

 

OP, I can understand your point about Christmas Eve. I think this might indicate a bigger problem in your relationship, as she opted not to spend it with you. Why? How is the relationship going in general?

 

As far as "letting" her hang out with female friends...the use of "let" is troubling. She doesn't need your permission but I'm sure you're aware of that. She can do what she wants. It's not up to you to tell her she can't have guy friends; I completely disagree with you and your friends on that point. But I'm wondering - has she specifically said you cannot come with her when she goes to clubs? Has she done something in the past to make you mistrust her? Does she make a habit of going out all hours without you? Try to give us some more details to help us understand why you're so anxious about this. Sometimes girls like to go out and have fun with each other without their boyfriends tagging along. If you feel you cannot trust her in those situations, or if you are uncomfortable with her lifestyle, you shouldn't be in a relationship with her. You can't change someone else's habits; you can try to compromise (not prohibit) but in the end you must decide if this is okay for you. If it's not, break it off.

[Conners]

I would find that controlling.. I disagree with people who say girls and guys can't be just friends. My ex boyfriend always hated me going to any event or party that guys were at and especially forbid going clubbing and for a long time I let him tell me I couldn't because he said he'd leave me if I did anything he didn't approve of.

 

That approach could work for a while but the day I turned around and said I had enough of him trying to control what I can and can't do and who I can see and it was over. He broke down crying and begged me for months to change my mind and he'd change. By then he had turned me off completely for being so insecure.

 

Please have trust in your girlfriend. Or else the same thing could happen to you.

[Conners]

I'll add that I ALWAYS invited him to come but he never wanted to go because he was 7 years older than me and didn't want to hang around people who were my age and said drinking and clubbing and partying were for single people only.