When a guy asks for space... what is a girl to do?

[Ladiixmk]

I think I might overthinking things.

 

I had met a guy the first semester of college. He's pre-med, I'm a Comp Sci major. We had started dating (not officially), and things were going GREAT between us. I felt so close to him, and our personalities are very alike.

 

But then, after winter break of 2013, everything had changed. He had stood me up many times and something felt wrong. Next thing you know, my friend saw him out at an arcade with another girl. She says they were just talking and weren't flirting, so I didn't think much about it.. until the next day another one of my friends told me she saw him out at a party with the same girl. I confronted him and we had a talk. Basically, he says 1. he's sorry for what he had done; he does like me but he doesn't want a relationship at the moment because of some stuff he had went through with his ex girlfriend.. he had commitment issues 2. The girl doesn't mean much to him - they knew each other from some summer program 3. He asked to stay friends for now but have something in the future. After some thinking I had decided to stay friends with him.

 

We would still grab lunch or dinner, and he'd still flirt with me. But then over spring break he almost stood me up once again which made me really mad. Didn't talk to him thinking I should move on, then when we get back from break my friend tells me she saw him walking to his dorm with another girl whom she think was the same girl as before. That's when I broke all contact from him. We had NC for 2 months, though he'd repeatedly try to get my attention. Then on the last day of finals he asked to speak to me. He was wondering why I was mad at him, and I told him how I felt though my words were kinda blurry. But we ended up making up...

 

So over the summer he would try to text me and flirt with me, but I would act very standoffish, sometimes wouldn't even respond, mainly b/c I was trying to get over him.

 

Then the school year came, and he hit me up out of nowhere. We went out to lunch and then later that week he took me out on a date. That night he told me that he's over his phase from the past, he learned from his mistakes, and he wishes to have a relationship with me since we had connected so well. I told him not this semester since 1. I need to focus on my schoolwork and 2. we need to patch things up.

 

Regardless though... he would take me out on a lot of dates. He considered it just hanging out. Things were going great, but I felt really insecure. These last two months for some reason I would push him away unintentionally; responding to texts late, cancelling out on plans just because, etc. I would feel like I'm getting closer to him but then I would get "scared" . It felt as though I was losing feelings. Meanwhile, he seemed to be really attached to me, saying he would come to one of my dance recitals and make me a poster, or when we got back from Thanksgiving break he asked to hang out, or once he had a free day and asked to hang out all that day (though I ended up being busy).

 

So then it's the week of finals. Out of nowhere, he texts me "hey can we talk". We set up a time and place (my spot), then 5 minutes beforehand he cancels out, saying he needs to volunteer then go to the library. The next day, he didn't text me at all. So I asked him what was up, and he told me that he's sorry there's just been a lot on his mind and he doesn't want to disturb me with his problems especially before finals. So we decided to talk it out after finals. He went MIA everywhere - social media, from me, from friends, etc.

The last day of finals come, and he never texted me. So on Christmas I texted him Merry Christmas. He said it back, and then he said he's sorry he's been distant he had some things he had to think about. I asked like what and he said he had some family issues and his grades weren't looking well for the semester so he had to take some time to himself to figure things out. I told him I'm sorry to hear that, and does he need some space. He said he's trying to take the break to clear his mind but do I want to talk when we get back (January 19th...). I said alright sure.

 

So yeah, now I'm scared I've lost him. We've been through SOOOO much. But for some reason I can't get over this boy. I need some advice - could he have lost feelings?

[ponchsox]

Break = he wants to sleep with other women

 

Dump him now before be hurts you more.

[KatZee]

This guy has a very consistent track record of being hot and cold with you, seeing other girls behind your back, not fully committing to you, giving any and all excuses not to see you, and not wanting to be around you.

 

You need to just go away and leave him alone. This guy is NOT relationship material, and he's flat out told you so. He has commitment issues, he has ex girlfriend issues... whether these things are true, or whether he's just making excuses not to be with you, it doesn't matter. This guy isn't trying to be your boyfriend. He wasn't even dating you. He said it was "hanging out."

 

You can see that both of you are on completely different pages. I don't know why you would equate "hanging out" to a date... but I think you're making this out to be something more than it is.

 

You need to stop chasing him, stop initiating conversations with him. You're going to just have to cut him out cold turkey and go NC. He hasn't made any effort to make anything work with you, and clearly has no idea what he wants or what he's even doing relationship wise.

 

Move on from this guy.

Edited December 30, 2013 by KatZee

[fixing]

Sorry, but that idiot has been using you and playing you for a looooong time. He has cheated on you multiple times, dropped you, then pulled you back in again over this last year.

You deserve much more, this guy obviously isnt the one for you.

 

You really need to go no contact and focus on the fact that he is a player. He is not as invested in you as you are in him.

 

No contact, and please dont respond to his petty games. He must feel like the most sought after male on campus. You need to put an end to that and offer him NO MORE ATTENTION.

 

He's a prick

[radiodarcy]

I was in a very similar situation to the one you are in now. And wound up learning my lesson the hard way. KatZee and fixing are right: this guy has no intention of making you a priority and would rather play around and flirt with other girls than figure out what he wants.

 

It took me 2.5 years to come to that conclusion and that was after *he* cut me off. Please don't waste anymore of your time on this guy than you already have.

 

Trust me, you don't want to continue down this road: it's maddening, it's demoralizing and it serves no purpose to you or your dignity. Cut off all contact and don't allow him to continue to string you along.

[Ladiixmk]

Hi guys, thank you for the replies. And thank you for being able to read all of that LOL I had made this at 3 in the morning I didn't know it was so long. Just some things I have to say, based on the responses:

 

1. I made a mistake when I said he didn't want to consider it dating and just hanging out - I ASSUMED in my mind that it was just hanging out and not dating. He called it a date. And I mean he would take me out to dinner, or go to the movies, or just to the dining hall, sometimes we'd try to switch it up... I remember even one night he was helping me with Chemistry, and there was a problem I was stuck on. He then made a problem out of his head and said "okay if you get this question right, then we'll get to go out on a date on Friday of this week, your choice of place. If you don't, then my choice". You know, before he got busy with his pre-med classes, he would offer to help me a lot with Chem.

 

2. I was thinking the same thing over the summer - that he was a jerk, and a player. But this semester he had really changed - he hardly went out to parties unless he HAD to (he's part of multiple clubs plus a pre-med frat), even on days when his friends went out he would take me out. He would talk long-terms with us, he had even introduced me to his sister and had considered meeting mine. Whenever there was a public event going on - you know, something where there would be a lot of people - he would consider going with me rather than his friends, or include me with his friends. The only thing that pissed me off the most this semester is that he would be late to plans or would reject them last minute because something had came up, but then he would try to make up for it.

If anything, I was the one acting wrong this time around....

[Ladiixmk]

So my friend and I were talking, he says that maybe he feels as though he had gotten too attached to me and realized I wasn't showing him as much affection, if anything pulling back, so he's now trying to pull away... But do guys really do that??

[legion113]

Hi guys, thank you for the replies. And thank you for being able to read all of that LOL I had made this at 3 in the morning I didn't know it was so long. Just some things I have to say, based on the responses:

 

1. I made a mistake when I said he didn't want to consider it dating and just hanging out - I ASSUMED in my mind that it was just hanging out and not dating. He called it a date. And I mean he would take me out to dinner, or go to the movies, or just to the dining hall, sometimes we'd try to switch it up... I remember even one night he was helping me with Chemistry, and there was a problem I was stuck on. He then made a problem out of his head and said "okay if you get this question right, then we'll get to go out on a date on Friday of this week, your choice of place. If you don't, then my choice". You know, before he got busy with his pre-med classes, he would offer to help me a lot with Chem.

 

2. I was thinking the same thing over the summer - that he was a jerk, and a player. But this semester he had really changed - he hardly went out to parties unless he HAD to (he's part of multiple clubs plus a pre-med frat), even on days when his friends went out he would take me out. He would talk long-terms with us, he had even introduced me to his sister and had considered meeting mine. Whenever there was a public event going on - you know, something where there would be a lot of people - he would consider going with me rather than his friends, or include me with his friends. The only thing that pissed me off the most this semester is that he would be late to plans or would reject them last minute because something had came up, but then he would try to make up for it.

If anything, I was the one acting wrong this time around....

 

 

Beig pre-med and actually GETTING IN to medical school are two different things. If the guy has been blowing his classes, he's not getting in. He seems wishy washy and confused too. The kind of behaviors he's exhibiting tell me he's going to wash out. He's a liar, doesn't keep his word, has no self control, easily confused, overly emotional and a wimp. Medical school would chew him up alive. Dump his loser ass.

[Simplysimon]

When someone asks for space give it to them. Say to them take as long as you like, bye.

Then Go no contact. Do not attempt to pull them back you will push them further away.

If they want you they will be back if they don't come back they wasn't for you any way...

 

Simple stuff this...

[Ladiixmk]

Yeah thanks. I guess these are all things that are in the back of my head that I knew, but I'm in denial at the moment. I think he would do fine - all of his grades last year were B+ and above and he does well under pressure. I'm not dating him specifically because he's pre-med though.

And yea of course I'm not going to talk to him. He did text me happy new year yesterday which was surprising, and I said it back but didn't contact him all day.

 

Just gotta focus on myself, slightly move on, and expect the worst so I don't get my hopes up then disappointed.

[Ladiixmk]

Okay guys, just a little update,

we still haven't spoken as of yet, but I have decided COMPLETELY 100% that I do not want to interfere with this boy anymore.

I've been completely blinded by everything, and realized he hasn't really been a great guy to me at all. There's so much that he has kept hidden from me, plus he has lied to me terribly - who knows what else he is hiding.

And even if he does come to me saying that he wants to pursue a relationship... things would get awkward because I would just say no, I'm done.

So he is just an emotionally unstable jerk in my book. It's a new year, and I want to clear every negative person from last year out of my life.

 

I guess this would be considered a "plot twist" haha, but regardless I need to see him because he has my favorite cardigan I accidentally left at his place and when I asked for it (the last week we talked), he had never responded to me

I don't even want to "have a talk" anymore, just the cardigan. How do I go about saying this???

[Ladiixmk]

And a part of me feels as though the only reason why he tried to pursue me last semester is because the girl who he was seeing behind my back in Freshman year stopped talking to him or something... I found out that over the summer she posted a picture with both of them - he went to some bbq she was having - but then she had deleted the photo.

And then one day on Twitter she went on a rant about a guy leaving her or something like that. That was the last day of Thanksgiving break, the week that the guy had started acting up on me.

 

I am so done.

[Simon Phoenix]

Treat it as a breakup and move on.