LoveHurtz Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Well, I got another email from W. This time the email read: "You must not understand English. Maybe we need to talk. You know the number." I must say I was a bit confused because since her last angry email, I have not called ot text paged MM at all. We have spoken but he called me. He told me that the reason she wanted to talk is because she asked him if I responded to him about the first email. He said he wants to be honest now...IMAGINE THAT! So, he told her that we had talked and that I wasn't going to respond because that was between them. She needs to deal with him about HIS behavior and unhappiness. MM says that this is the perfect opportunity to seperate because she is angry and it's alot easier to be brutally honest when she is angry instead of hurt and crying. I have alot of guilt related to being a part of it all. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But, like I said before MM is also my best friend and I do love him. It's hard to ignore feelings that are that strong. Believe me, I have tried. Basically, I don't understand what she hopes to accomplish by talking to me. But, at least she is starting to direct her anger at him instead of blaming me.
FolderWife Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 How would you feel if the man you loved and trusted had woman on the side. You'd want to rip her eyes out. She just wants to feel in control of the situation, but she doesn't. She wants to "set you straight" but she's so befuddled she doesn't know how. I don't think she really thinks she's going to accomplish anything
SoleMate Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 I don't know your situation, but I would strongly advise you not to talk to her. She hates you and will do anything to hurt you. (Whether or not it is deserved is another question.) I would recommend blocking her numbers, and if she persists, then it's restraining order time. Better yet, stop seeing her husband and it will take the heat off you. If he were really your man - he would be protecting you from this harrassment. But he's not. Time enough for him to come to you when he has finished with her. (As I type this I realize how idealistic it is. This advice is rarely followed.)
Owl Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 She may have calmed down and actually be looking for the "truth" in the affair....since she now knows that her husband is perfectly willing and capable of lying to her. A lot of us "betrayed spouses" have this huge need to know about everything that happened in the affair...so it's possible that that's what she's really looking for. I'd be careful about meeting her tho... I'd actually recommend that you either call her from a private pay phone someplace where you can talk without a bunch of people around, or continue to email or chat with her via an anonymous IM. That way you're in no danger of her getting physical, or getting more contact info about you than she has. Regardless....good luck. I hope that you are able to end things in some kind of "best way possible" scenario.
Pocky Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 She may have calmed down and actually be looking for the "truth" in the affair....since she now knows that her husband is perfectly willing and capable of lying to her. Normally, I'd agree but considering her first email advised LH to never contact the husband again and her husband confirmed he did in fact talk to her again, I'd say she wants to reiterate her instructions to stay away from her husband. Especially with the comment: "You must not understand English. Maybe we need to talk. You know the number."
Owl Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Good point Pocky. I should have re-read that part. You're very likely right. By all means...don't meet up with this person in-person!
Pocky Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 By all means...don't meet up with this person in-person! Heh. I'd agree. She seems aggressive and you don't know what she's capable of. I'd stay away from both of them and if you don't hear from him that he's left his wife within the thirty day limit then I'd say you need to move on and make this a part of your past.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 Trust me, I wouldn't plan on meeting her in person. I haven't replied to either of her emails. I have spoken to her once on the phone, but that was several months ago and I mostly filled her in on her innocent husbands other betrayals that had nothing to do with me. I was tired of being the villian. He had cheated on her before our A when they were engaged and I thought she should know. Obviously, she forgave him for that. They tried counseling, but that didn't work out either. I told MM to give it his all and try and repair the marriage, we even had absolutely NC for 3 months which seemed like an eternity. I told him that I love him enough to support him in staying with her. But, he says he wants out. So, I am giving him the time he needs. I also understand her anger at me, but his unhappiness in the marriage is not related to me directly. That was apparent when they went to counseling, we had NC and he was still miserable. I hope we all can get some resolution.
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 She is pissed and spewing fire. No face to face contact!!! Owl said it right, a public phone call or annon IM's is good. She obviously needs some closure and is looking to s*** on you and find out info. Just be careful.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Heh. I'd agree. She seems aggressive and you don't know what she's capable of. I'd stay away from both of them and if you don't hear from him that he's left his wife within the thirty day limit then I'd say you need to move on and make this a part of your past. I agree Pocky! I plan on doing just that. I love him but I'm not willing to wait or be leftovers any longer.
murasaki Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by LoveHurtz I mostly filled her in on her innocent husbands other betrayals that had nothing to do with me. I was tired of being the villian. He had cheated on her before our A when they were engaged and I thought she should know. Obviously, she forgave him for that. They tried counseling, but that didn't work out either. I told MM to give it his all and try and repair the marriage, we even had absolutely NC for 3 months which seemed like an eternity. Interesting. It seems like you have some sympathy for his wife, which is good. But somehow you seem to be missing a huge red flag, that Solemate has already pointed out. I told him that I love him enough to support him in staying with her. But, he says he wants out. So, I am giving him the time he needs. I also understand her anger at me, but his unhappiness in the marriage is not related to me directly. That was apparent when they went to counseling, we had NC and he was still miserable. I hope we all can get some resolution. Many OM/OW ask "why does the betrayed spouse blame me? They should be blaming their cheating partner. It's not my fault their marriage is bad, the affair is just a symptom." And like I said, you do seem to have some sympathy for the wife. But you can't blame her for contacting you any more than she can blame you for the fact that her husband is cheating on her. In other words, there is culpability for both of you -- no one is forcing her to email you, just as no one is forcing you to have an affair with her husband. But the common element in both situations is him. He doesn't care enough about his wife to remain faithful to her as long as he's married to her. He doesn't care enough about you enough to take the full brunt of his wife's wrath, tell her in no uncertain terms that he will not tolerate her attempts to communicate with you. It's easier for him to let her focus her anger on you. Nice way to show someone you care about them: let them be the fall guy for your transgressions! I just never understand why people who get involved with married/committed people, beyond the confines of a strictly sexual fling, have any hope that a good relationship can ultimately come out of it. This guy is clearly an emotional coward. He's selfish and lacking integrity too. Those are probably some of the key reasons why his marriage isn't working. I'm sure his wife has her flaws too, flaws that also make the marriage bad. But when it ends, if it ends, he'll be emerging with his flaws still very much with him. You've seen the flaws. You know that they've contributed to the destruction of one marriage. Why would you want to get entangled with him? I know sometimes people just end up falling in love unexpectedly, over time spent with a colleague or whatever. And people have bad marriages that they need to get out of. I get all that. What I don't get is how so many people are willing to overlook the fact that their married lover is cheating in order to be with them. I'm not saying this out of moral condemnation. I'm just wondering: who thinks a person who uses an affair as an escape hatch from a troubled marriage is a good bet? Because it seems to me such a person doesn't handle problems very well. And in this case, the guy not only doesn't handle problems well, he feels no obligation to shelter the woman he supposedly loves from the anger of the woman he supposedly no longer loves. A real winner!
KissMyTiara Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by murasaki I just never understand why people who get involved with married/committed people, beyond the confines of a strictly sexual fling, have any hope that a good relationship can ultimately come out of it. Because if it has gone beyond a fling, the only natural progression is hope. As for this email from the W issue, I would actually respond to this 2nd email, stating "I have not initiated contact with H since the date you sent your first email." That's it, nothing more. She should be going to H for answers and explanations and "to talk," not you.
Author LoveHurtz Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 THANKS ALOT MURASKI...what you say makes alot of sense. It would be alot easier to apply it to my life if I hadn't been best friends with this guy for almost 6 years. I know his character and before he got into this doomed marriage, he was a trustworthy, caring guy. He still is and I am in love with him. I know that he has made some bad choices...but I don't believe that defines who he is. KMT..you are right. I should at least email her with that response. But, in a way I just want to stay completely out of it.
KissMyTiara Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by LoveHurtz KMT..you are right. I should at least email her with that response. But, in a way I just want to stay completely out of it. You ARE staying out of it, and by telling her that, your telling her as much.
mourningMM Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 If she is in the grip of strong emotions nothing you say will be heard...even if you write she may not understand that you did not contact him first...he contacted you. If you were friends for so long, be his friend now and don't let yourself get engangled in the end of the marriage. I suggest you stay away and stay out of it. But from the perspective of a wife, deep down she knows that her husband would never leave unless he had a vision of a future that didn't include her. And she knows that future will include you instead, if what you've said is the truth. It is more than jealousy...she has every reason to feel honest and true anger at something being stolen from her. You didn't steal it, he stole it and gave it to you. But you will have it. It is hard not to hate someone who has something that had been promised to you. Imagine that your parents promised you a brand new Barbie doll, and then on Christmas morning your sister got it instead. You are a woman and at some level her sister....and you are getting what was promised to her (if things work out the way you hope). Have compassion, but be safe. Because in moments of anger, she may feel like if you weren't there, she could have her future back.
StillHurtin Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 If you call her I would suggest doing it from your home. Block your number so she doesn't see it (which she probably already knows it). I think you would be more comfortable calling her from home, not some pay phone not knowing who is going to happen to walk past and hear your converstation (unless you have pay phones in areas that are not in busy areas, we don't have any here). Anyhow, when I called the OW I was terrified, terrified of what she might tell me. I was terrified to hear "Yea, I am f#cking your H, what are you going to do about it? You screwed up so he came to me!" She lied and said nothing was going on. I would of never comfronted her in person even though at times I wanted to. If she became aggressive (which I can be at times if I am pi$$ed) I was going to let her be the one to throw the first punch b/c then I was going to have her arrested for assault. I even told her H I was going to do that if she thought she was going to get violent. He told me that would be for the best. The OW has a wild background. Grew up in a bad childhood, drugs, lived on the streets, got into fights, ect. I wouldn't put it past her if she would kick my a$$. I have been into fights but I am sure nothing like what she has. I am not postive but her H did say she always tried to pick fights w/ girls at parties. She never comfronted me in person and she had plenty of opprotunities to if she wanted. I really don't think she would of. For years she had been trying to be my friend. I really don't think she would of taken the violent route.
SoleMate Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 when I called the OW I was terrified...of what she might tell me. ...She lied and said nothing was going on. Here's yet another good reason for the W and the OW to avoid talking. There's going to be so much fear in that conversation...on both sides...and self-protectiveness, and desire to attack. Not a great recipe for a phone conversation that brings clarity, closure, peace of mind, relief from the neverending lies, or any of the rest of it. Just one more painful episode that will leave one or both sobbing helplessly or heading out to kick some big $ dents in the H/MM's car. I do see the point about the W and OW comparing notes to see whether the H is being straight with both of them. But I still think the probabilities are that he is lying to both, and why would your trust your rival to tell you the truth about what he said? Either woman could easily lie to make her position look stronger, or to "psych" you out as you head up to the plate to bat...
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