Girls, how much attention in the beginning?

[xRJ85x]

The big text dilemma here: some girls I've heard say they want communication everyday from guys, be it small talk like "Hey, what's up?" or "Just thinking about you." Other girls I've heard say they find it annoying and needy. I don't think one way or the other, I just text when I have something to say.

 

So my question is how much do you all take this to heart? A girl I've been dating for a little over a month initiates a lot of the contact simply by small talk. I'll reply, and ask how her day was or something along those lines, but for the most part I don't have much else to say back. Nor do I try to force anything like those "Hey, what's up?" texts. So there may be a day or two we don't really talk if there's nothing to say. In reality, I'm head over heels for this girl. In person around her, how I am speaks much, much more of how I feel.

 

So I'm wondering if the women on here can give the guys like me some peace of mind pointers that we don't have worry about you thinking we're not interested (or not needy if you're the other way around)?

Edited December 30, 2013 by xRJ85x

[OpheliaSong]

Secure women don't read too much into occasional silence as long as when we do get attention, it is quality attention.

[somedude81]

Careful with giving a woman too much attention.

 

It may cause her to lose attraction and dump you.

[xRJ85x]

Secure women don't read too much into occasional silence as long as when we do get attention, it is quality attention.

 

Pretty much what I was looking for, thanks Ophelia.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

I need communication! I'm with my boyfriend because he was confident and secure enough to be completely open about how much he liked me, and how much he really wanted things to work out between us. He has called and texted me at last twice a day ever since our first date a few years ago. He gets upset whenever we hit a rough patch in our relationship. There is no question in my mind regarding how he feels about me or how important I am to him. He's important to me, obviously.

 

I was dating around when I met him, and initially liked someone else a lot more. But that guy didn't want to appear needy, so texted me once or twice a week. It wasn't until I dumped him (because my boyfriend asked me to be exclusive) that he was up front about his feelings. Unfortunately, too little, too late.

 

Be yourself! You'll end up with women who are compatible with you and your preferred communication style. Much less work and effort than trying to titrate your communication perfectly to some unknown preference and the angst of not doing what you want to do.

[GemmaUK]

In the very beginning I like a bit of attention.

If I met someone and he hadn't been in touch for 2/3 days I would think he isn't very interested.

 

It's got to ease up though if you are dating.

For me in my last two relationships it didn't ease up and they needed more and more contact. They wanted texts all day from 5.30/6am until the moment I fell asleep and also a call as well each day.

I couldn't keep up with even the simple things like housework. I wasn't 'allowed' any time for just myself.

It drove me round the twist. I did say many a time that I needed things to calm down but neither man listened.

 

Less is more once you're actually dating in my view - but each person is different.

[Gottabestrong]

I like daily contact. In the beginning it is fine to get one or two texts per day, but after a while I would like to also receive phone calls and more than one text per day saying more substantial things than: 'Hope you are having a good day'.

 

If a guy does not initiate contact I assume I am not on his mind and he is not that into me, which makes me loose interest in turn.

 

That being said, if a guy makes it clear that he likes me and asks me out on another date within 48 hours after the last, than I don't mind too much if I don't hear from him for a day or two. But if I have no idea if I will see him again AND I don't hear from him for 2 days or more, I start looking for someone else.

 

 

Good luck!

[nerdlingZA]

Give them maximum attention for a week or so than completely disappear.

 

That's how I got my Ex and the current girl that's chasing me.

[d0nnivain]

Don't play games like pouring it on, only to disappear to see if she'll chase you.

 

 

Give as much as you are comfortable with. Ask her what she wants.

 

 

I'm odd. I don't want daily contact in the beginning & feel smothered. Go away long enough for me to miss you. When you do contact me I only need 1 touch point: call, e-mail or text. Not all 3.

 

 

While I never dated in the FB era I'd be annoyed if some guy blew up my page with posts & likes of old pictures. Yeah I know I posted that stuff & the world is free to read it but you don't have to let me know that you read my whole page, even stuff from two years ago

[xRJ85x]

So for the girls on here who like the daily communication, why would you get the impression that a guy who doesn't talk to you daily isn't interested? If the guy continues to ask you out (after you've already had sex, for those who would bring up the "only wants sex" reason) would that not be a strong enough indicator? I only ask because as I noted, this girl is always on my mind. However, I feel like saying such things like "Hey, hope you're having a great day" would be forcing and therefore come across as needy.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

As I said, I need daily communication. Almost all the guys I attract and date naturally contact me on at least a daily basis. I don't ask. It just happens. Women aren't a monolith, and you've received a range of very useful responses, including comments that some find that level of communication smothering.

 

For me, in addition to feeling connected to the person and enabling the relationship to develop, communication is one of the data points I use to gauge interest level. All other things being equal, when I'm asked to focus on one person, I pick the guy who is most interested and most enthusiastic about being in a relationship with me...the guy who is reliable and makes sure that we spend lots of quality time together...the guy who is putting a concerted effort into getting to know me.

 

Different women seek different things. The point of dating is to find someone compatible with you...someone who finds the real you attractive. Just be you. Really. Do you. Life and relationships are so much easier when you present the real you, rather than changing or hiding facets of yourself because you're afraid the other person will lose interest. You can only keep that charade going for so long.

 

If she's constantly on your mind, why do you hesitate to contact her? What about that seems forced and artificial to you?

[xRJ85x]

Understandable if that's just the way it naturally happens. I don't hesitate to contact her, I just don't want to this everyday:

 

"hey, what's up?"

"Nothing, you?"

"same. At work right now.

[Versacehottie]

The big text dilemma here: some girls I've heard say they want communication everyday from guys, be it small talk like "Hey, what's up?" or "Just thinking about you." Other girls I've heard say they find it annoying and needy. I don't think one way or the other, I just text when I have something to say.

 

So my question is how much do you all take this to heart? A girl I've been dating for a little over a month initiates a lot of the contact simply by small talk. I'll reply, and ask how her day was or something along those lines, but for the most part I don't have much else to say back. Nor do I try to force anything like those "Hey, what's up?" texts. So there may be a day or two we don't really talk if there's nothing to say. In reality, I'm head over heels for this girl. In person around her, how I am speaks much, much more of how I feel.

 

So I'm wondering if the women on here can give the guys like me some peace of mind pointers that we don't have worry about you thinking we're not interested (or not needy if you're the other way around)?

 

I agree. It's a big dilemma. For real. I like things to unfold naturally and not have a guy feel obligated for a morning text etc. (who came up with that whole thing btw?!?!). What they give from the heart is so much better and speaks much more to their level of interest and how they really will be as relationship progresses. Sometimes people's expectations regarding contact are just out of sync. I would much rather have him asking me out and spending time together, doing things rather than small talk.

 

That said, cute little insignificant things via text can be bonding in another way because they let us know you have us on your mind and that you are still interested in between seeing one another. It has to be genuine though. I typically don't think it's needy but those aren't usually my type of guys though. It's a tightrope. Good luck!

[Ruby Slippers]

I like daily contact. It tells me that he's really interested. If I don't hear from him daily, I assume he's not that interested and I start losing interest as well.

 

Texts don't have to be boring. My ex would text something sweet, like, "Good morning, *favorite pet name*. How's your day going?"

 

Then we'd have a brief text interchange and maybe another few texts throughout the day, then a phone call in the evening.

 

Pretty much every boyfriend I've had contacted me daily from the first date. My last boyfriend was not as consistent with communication and attention, and it's one of the reasons things felt off and I broke up with him.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

I can totally relate to things feeling off when communication isn't consistent. I've learned to nip those in the bud rather than struggling through the process of each of us trying to accept or change to accommodate the other.

 

Understandable if that's just the way it naturally happens. I don't hesitate to contact her, I just don't want to this everyday:

 

"hey, what's up?"

"Nothing, you?"

"same. At work right now.

 

Haha...why would it be that banal?

 

None of the conversations I've had when a guy calls are dull, certainly not that dull! We're getting to know each other and building a connection. There has always been plenty to discuss and learn about the other person. Unless it's a call during our morning commute to work (those end abruptly when one person hits the front door), we have very long, deep, meaningful, interesting conversations. For me, the connection is built and solidified during those conversations, more so than on dates.

 

That she's initiating your exchanges tells me that she most likely wants more, not less, communication. To get back to your earlier question, that's often when the person may start to question your level of interest and/or be open to distraction from others. The connection can be fairly tenuous early in the dating process, especially if you don't know each other well and/or you're doing nothing to keep things going between dates and/or you aren't exclusive.

[kodakgirl]

If he shows clear signs of interest when we are together (being very sweet and attentive, being keen to set up the next dates, etc.), and we are seeing each other at least every few days, the amount of communication in between doesn't really matter to me. I'm much, much more interested in the time we spend together. If a guy genuinely wants to text every day, cool, that's sweet (though I'll admit, calling every day in the beginning would be a bit much); if he'd rather just text to work out details for the next date, that's fine too. In the beginning I rather like not being in touch too much-- I kind of enjoy the way it builds anticipation towards the next date. If he never initiated any communication between dates, and I always had to ask if we're still on for our next date, etc. -- that would give me serious doubts, and probably for good reason.

 

I would expect things to progress, though, and for communication to increase as time went on (over months, as we get into "relationship" territory), though I'm still flexible, what it became would be based on our natural communication rhythms. In a relationship I'd expect at least a couple texts or short call every day or two. But I'd like it to grow to that.

[xRJ85x]

 

Haha...why would it be that banal?

 

None of the conversations I've had when a guy calls are dull, certainly not that dull! We're getting to know each other and building a connection. There has always been plenty to discuss and learn about the other person. Unless it's a call during our morning commute to work (those end abruptly when one person hits the front door), we have very long, deep, meaningful, interesting conversations. For me, the connection is built and solidified during those conversations, more so than on dates.

 

That she's initiating your exchanges tells me that she most likely wants more, not less, communication. To get back to your earlier question, that's often when the person may start to question your level of interest and/or be open to distraction from others. The connection can be fairly tenuous early in the dating process, especially if you don't know each other well and/or you're doing nothing to keep things going between dates and/or you aren't exclusive.

 

I guess it's more so a conflict of me protecting myself. I've been crushed in the past where I didn't think I was coming across as needy and it turned out I was. So now I A) don't try to think about forcing anything and B) Feel that it's OK to be that way because I know I'm not going to make the mistakes I've made in the past.

[Phantom888]

It's about compatibility. I want to communicate with my GF every day because we have a really great relationship, and we don't like to be apart. She loves how much attention I give to her. I love how she wants to know how my day is. If you like to give attention, and your partner thinks it's annoying or needy, then you are not compatible in that regard. Simple. I can't be with someone who has different communication desires as I do.

[pteromom]

You've been dating for about a month. You can talk to HER about this and find out what she likes.

 

"Do you think good morning and good night texts every day are sweet, or too much?"

 

Boom. You'll have your answer and can act accordingly.

[slightly_unusual]

I need communication! I'm with my boyfriend because he was confident and secure enough to be completely open about how much he liked me, and how much he really wanted things to work out between us. He has called and texted me at last twice a day ever since our first date a few years ago. He gets upset whenever we hit a rough patch in our relationship. There is no question in my mind regarding how he feels about me or how important I am to him. He's important to me, obviously.

 

I was dating around when I met him, and initially liked someone else a lot more. But that guy didn't want to appear needy, so texted me once or twice a week. It wasn't until I dumped him (because my boyfriend asked me to be exclusive) that he was up front about his feelings. Unfortunately, too little, too late.

 

Be yourself! You'll end up with women who are compatible with you and your preferred communication style. Much less work and effort than trying to titrate your communication perfectly to some unknown preference and the angst of not doing what you want to do.

 

 

 

sounds like you and your partner have always had the whole " communication " thing down , for many guys its not so simple , im seeing a girl for a month now and we,ve been on four dates , I call her twice per week and text her every other day although ive texted her everyday since we got more close during our last date , im still unsure whether everyday is too much and when I do text , its only two back and forth

[slightly_unusual]

I like daily contact. In the beginning it is fine to get one or two texts per day, but after a while I would like to also receive phone calls and more than one text per day saying more substantial things than: 'Hope you are having a good day'.

 

If a guy does not initiate contact I assume I am not on his mind and he is not that into me, which makes me loose interest in turn.

 

That being said, if a guy makes it clear that he likes me and asks me out on another date within 48 hours after the last, than I don't mind too much if I don't hear from him for a day or two. But if I have no idea if I will see him again AND I don't hear from him for 2 days or more, I start looking for someone else.

 

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

the flip side is that many women like a guy who is not overly communicative , makes the woman feel she has to work hard and not take him for granted

 

 

men take all the risks in this area and its difficult to strike the right balance

[Pretty.in.Pink]

I guess it's more so a conflict of me protecting myself. I've been crushed in the past where I didn't think I was coming across as needy and it turned out I was. So now I A) don't try to think about forcing anything and B) Feel that it's OK to be that way because I know I'm not going to make the mistakes I've made in the past.

 

I said it before, but it bears repeating--women aren't a monolith. That's also clear from the range of responses to your question. I would stop basing your current approach on questionable feedback from someone who dumped you. That person isn't relevant. She didn't want to date you. Who truly knows why? Certainly not you. Maybe her best friend, but rarely do you get the real reasons for things ending. So refrain from hauling that baggage over and dumping it on your next partner.

 

Instead, learn to read your current partner. And just be you! How awful to want to communicate your excitement and enthusiasm to someone, but to feel stifled from doing so because you're paralyzed by feedback from someone who isn't even in your life anymore!

 

If she's the one initiating communication early on, you generally aren't doing enough. That gets old fairly fast, and she'll often just move on to greener pastures with someone more compatible for her because "I don't feel a connection" or "my feelings weren't developing" or whatever.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Pretty.in.Pink

[Pretty.in.Pink]

If you like to give attention, and your partner thinks it's annoying or needy, then you are not compatible in that regard. Simple. I can't be with someone who has different communication desires as I do.

 

Either that or your partner was never that into you!

 

Neither is a recipe for success.

[CrystalCastles]

It really depends on the person.

 

Some of my friends need their SOs to communicate with them daily. For me, I absolutely hate daily texting. I'm really busy and being glued to my phone is just annoying. Plus I also feel smothered. I prefer maybe one or two texts every few days (3-4) and that's it. However when I'm with the guy, I can be very affectionate and if I like him, I want to spend time with him as much as is possible. Face-time is super important to me, texts are not.

 

Ask your girl, how often would she rather you text her?

[BrandonMarshall]

The big text dilemma here: some girls I've heard say they want communication everyday from guys, be it small talk like "Hey, what's up?" or "Just thinking about you." Other girls I've heard say they find it annoying and needy. I don't think one way or the other, I just text when I have something to say.

 

So my question is how much do you all take this to heart? A girl I've been dating for a little over a month initiates a lot of the contact simply by small talk. I'll reply, and ask how her day was or something along those lines, but for the most part I don't have much else to say back. Nor do I try to force anything like those "Hey, what's up?" texts. So there may be a day or two we don't really talk if there's nothing to say. In reality, I'm head over heels for this girl. In person around her, how I am speaks much, much more of how I feel.

 

So I'm wondering if the women on here can give the guys like me some peace of mind pointers that we don't have worry about you thinking we're not interested (or not needy if you're the other way around)?

 

you know the quote "absence makes the heart grow fonder". It's true. If you smother her with too much attention you smother the attraction.

 

You can ask women on here what "they want".... but how they react to it will be totally different. They can reply to this thread saying they want a good morning next every morning....

 

meanwhile they have some annoying guy in the friend zone doing it to them as they reply to this thread.