sometimes it's good to break NC to finally realise there is no hope anymore

[polynomial]

I think so at least..

[chris21422]

Share the convo.

 

I think so at least..

[Haydn]

tell. do tell.

 

I think so at least..

[polynomial]

tell. do tell.

 

I don't know, I just feel like if you go straight to NC and after some time don't try to contact them again, you may get a load of what-if-feelings. Yes, breaking no contact may not give you the results you wanted (they've moved on, have found somebody else etc) and it may throw you back to square one but at least you now know for certain that it's never going to work out anymore.

 

And yeah, I realise, maybe if you stay no contact say, a year or so, eventually maybe you just won't care anymore. But I feel like the sense of hope may still linger. Sure, if they haven't contacted you during that time either, it may be a hint, but.. I dunno..

 

I recently broke NC because I had some stuff on my chest and I realise everyone keeps saying not to break NC, but I feel that I got some closure and peace because I realised that yeah, it would NEVER work out again. Sure Im dissapointed and sad and it may have set me aback a bit but at least I'm not holding unto some false sense of hope anymore.

 

I guess it all depends on what kind of a break up was taken place as well though.. But I think if your heart tells you to break NC, you should do it.

[cavalier99]

I think so at least..

 

You dont need to break NC to realize there is no hope. The BU is.sufficient to know this.

 

I dont understand why people need to reconfirm the obvious and set theselves back. It like hitting your head against a brick wall just to reconfirm it is hard and hurts. I guess denial ???

[Haydn]

I hear you. But this is a lesson. We have made these mistakes and we dont want you to do the same. The outcome was never good. So push on with NC, it saved me. Take care friend.

 

I don't know, I just feel like if you go straight to NC and after some time don't try to contact them again, you may get a load of what-if-feelings. Yes, breaking no contact may not give you the results you wanted (they've moved on, have found somebody else etc) and it may throw you back to square one but at least you now know for certain that it's never going to work out anymore.

 

And yeah, I realise, maybe if you stay no contact say, a year or so, eventually maybe you just won't care anymore. But I feel like the sense of hope may still linger. Sure, if they haven't contacted you during that time either, it may be a hint, but.. I dunno..

 

I recently broke NC because I had some stuff on my chest and I realise everyone keeps saying not to break NC, but I feel that I got some closure and peace because I realised that yeah, it would NEVER work out again. Sure Im dissapointed and sad and it may have set me aback a bit but at least I'm not holding unto some false sense of hope anymore.

 

I guess it all depends on what kind of a break up was taken place as well though.. But I think if your heart tells you to break NC, you should do it.

[polynomial]

I hear you. But this is a lesson. We have made these mistakes and we dont want you to do the same. The outcome was never good. So push on with NC, it saved me. Take care friend.

 

yeah i realise.

 

however, now i know there is absolutely NO reason for me to contact him again. it's not even so much me not breaking NC because i know now there is no point even to contact him. now i finally no the realistic outcome.

 

i realise that breaking up should've been the first sign not to contact him again, but sometimes people are stupid, like me, and this was my first relationship and we had had an on-off type of thing going on for a long time so i guess at first it was hard for me to let go and accept that this is the final time? but breaking NC and realising through that couldn't get back together once more gave me peace at least.

[FortunateSon]

I don't know, I just feel like if you go straight to NC and after some time don't try to contact them again, you may get a load of what-if-feelings. Yes, breaking no contact may not give you the results you wanted (they've moved on, have found somebody else etc) and it may throw you back to square one but at least you now know for certain that it's never going to work out anymore.

 

And yeah, I realise, maybe if you stay no contact say, a year or so, eventually maybe you just won't care anymore. But I feel like the sense of hope may still linger. Sure, if they haven't contacted you during that time either, it may be a hint, but.. I dunno..

 

I recently broke NC because I had some stuff on my chest and I realise everyone keeps saying not to break NC, but I feel that I got some closure and peace because I realised that yeah, it would NEVER work out again. Sure Im dissapointed and sad and it may have set me aback a bit but at least I'm not holding unto some false sense of hope anymore.

 

I guess it all depends on what kind of a break up was taken place as well though.. But I think if your heart tells you to break NC, you should do it.

I am struggling with this too. I feel like hope with my ex is gone, we have both started to date other people, but I do still have a small amount of hope I have been unable to kill. I was thinking that if I broke NC it might bring the clarity and finality of the situation to kill that last bit of hope? My ex contacted me early this month, I think she was trying to do the same thing. I am not sure how to proceed, I still don't feel like I have moved on so I am not sure what I have to lose? I also wonder if finally seeing her after 6 months my feelings will have changed and it will help take her off the pedestal?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I think so at least..

 

The breakup is enough to *REALIZE there is no hope. Breaking NC is just insult to injury.

[LovelyDaze]

The breakup is enough to *REALIZE there is no hope. Breaking NC is just insult to injury.

 

Yep. A breakup is much like when we are kids and we touch a hot pot cooking on the stove and end up getting hurt. Innocent enough.

THEN, breaking NC is like going back to do it again. What for?

 

I think some dumpees play Break-NC like they are playing the lottery. Same chances at winning back their ex and that sadly seems to be enough.

[Conners]

The breakup is enough to *REALIZE there is no hope. Breaking NC is just insult to injury.

 

Some people are a bit full of it and condescending on this forum.

Every situation is different, every break up is different. What if both parties went NC and thought "if he/she loves me they will come back to me, fix things etc" and they both stuck to it and nothing ever happened even though they both still loved each other? There's always a chance things can work out, of course most of the time there probably isn't but as I said every situation is different.

I agree with OP. At least she got the closure she needed and to verify that there was no chance of reconciliation. and at least she tried! Now she's free to move on without that little bit of hope that could of potentially been there.

[pickflicker]

Some people are a bit full of it and condescending on this forum.

Every situation is different, every break up is different. What if both parties went NC and thought "if he/she loves me they will come back to me, fix things etc" and they both stuck to it and nothing ever happened even though they both still loved each other? There's always a chance things can work out, of course most of the time there probably isn't but as I said every situation is different.

I agree with OP. At least she got the closure she needed and to verify that there was no chance of reconciliation. and at least she tried! Now she's free to move on without that little bit of hope that could of potentially been there.

 

I'll tell you what would happen. You'd meet someone else. Your life would go on.

[Am4Real]

You are confusing the dynamics which follow a single and/or patterned dysfunction in a relationship.

 

Breaking NC intentionally simply means you are not in NC in the first place. You’re simply in a “quiet period” whereas you likely have not come to terms with the situation. This is in much the same way a child stomps their feet in anger, crosses their arms and pouts refusing to communicate – they are expressing their displeasure and doing little to address or correct the situation. The longer the child pouts, the harder it is for them to accept the situation.

 

Don’t get me wrong – you may be entitled to act in this “quiet period” way but don’t call it NO CONTACT. CAV99 was right when he referred to it as denial and denial is okay, almost everyone experiences a denial phase following a break up.

 

However, communicating in the first few hours or even 48 hours following a bad situation or break up is good practice since sometimes what seems to be a break up is not a break up; one or both persons have entered their individual pouting sessions as referred above.

 

Once you cross the 48 hour mark or even a week, there is much damage being done and its decision time. You really don’t need any more time than a week to know the relationship is dying fast or is dead. Silent periods don’t go this long in healthy relationships.

 

So after reading my perspective, are you in NC or are you in a quiet period?

Edited December 30, 2013 by Am4Real

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't know, I just feel like if you go straight to NC and after some time don't try to contact them again, you may get a load of what-if-feelings. Yes, breaking no contact may not give you the results you wanted (they've moved on, have found somebody else etc) and it may throw you back to square one but at least you now know for certain that it's never going to work out anymore.

 

And yeah, I realise, maybe if you stay no contact say, a year or so, eventually maybe you just won't care anymore. But I feel like the sense of hope may still linger. Sure, if they haven't contacted you during that time either, it may be a hint, but.. I dunno..

 

I recently broke NC because I had some stuff on my chest and I realise everyone keeps saying not to break NC, but I feel that I got some closure and peace because I realised that yeah, it would NEVER work out again. Sure Im dissapointed and sad and it may have set me aback a bit but at least I'm not holding unto some false sense of hope anymore.

 

I guess it all depends on what kind of a break up was taken place as well though.. But I think if your heart tells you to break NC, you should do it.

 

This is the default response after everyone breaks NC due to the "contact high". Then the "what ifs" start back up. What if my ex was in a bad mood then but is willing to talk now? What if I had phrased my contact differently? (this is the most common one) What if my ex wants me to fight and work for it? (second most common) What if I apologized for [insert whatever the dumpee thinks they did]? Yada, yada, yada.

 

This is why you shouldn't just "break it" to "get closure" or "lose hope". Because it rarely works out that way. You might feel good now, but most likely you'll feel regret in the near future because you feel that you didn't express yourself in the best possible way.

[Conners]

I'll tell you what would happen. You'd meet someone else. Your life would go on.

 

Yes another condescending thought.

 

She got her closure, so now she can move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes another condescending thought.

 

She got her closure, so now she can move on.

 

Until she needs "closure" again. Sadly, that's the most common result in these situations. If she can really stay away, then good, it's time to move forward. But if not, then you have yourself a self-defeating cycle.

[Am4Real]

This is a forum in which the poster poses a question or seeks advice after presenting their situation or issue. I'm not sure I understand your comments on posters being condescending.

 

Based on the official definition of the word "condescending" which is implying a descent from dignity or superiority; patronizing, can you point out a specific example?

 

I'm a little lost here.

 

 

Some people are a bit full of it and condescending on this forum.

Every situation is different, every break up is different. What if both parties went NC and thought "if he/she loves me they will come back to me, fix things etc" and they both stuck to it and nothing ever happened even though they both still loved each other? There's always a chance things can work out, of course most of the time there probably isn't but as I said every situation is different.

I agree with OP. At least she got the closure she needed and to verify that there was no chance of reconciliation. and at least she tried! Now she's free to move on without that little bit of hope that could of potentially been there.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Some people are a bit full of it and condescending on this forum.

Every situation is different, every break up is different. What if both parties went NC and thought "if he/she loves me they will come back to me, fix things etc" and they both stuck to it and nothing ever happened even though they both still loved each other? There's always a chance things can work out, of course most of the time there probably isn't but as I said every situation is different.

I agree with OP. At least she got the closure she needed and to verify that there was no chance of reconciliation. and at least she tried! Now she's free to move on without that little bit of hope that could of potentially been there.

 

So because I believe something else, I'm condenscending? Haha makes sense.

 

I'm a d**k

[Conners]

This is a forum in which the poster poses a question or seeks advice after presenting their situation or issue. I'm not sure I understand your comments on posters being condescending.

 

Based on the official definition of the word "condescending" which is implying a descent from dignity or superiority; patronizing, can you point out a specific example?

 

I'm a little lost here.

 

The way some people respond to posters and straight up say they are wrong for doing something. For example the OP stated that breaking NC was good for her to get closure and move on yet people feel the need to post that she was in the wrong for doing so and believing that breaking NC wasn't the best idea. That's not giving advice that's just being condescending. As I said every situation is different so they don't have to point out she is wrong.

[pickflicker]

Yes another condescending thought.

 

She got her closure, so now she can move on.

 

I didn't object to how she got closure. I answered your question in the literal sense.

[Conners]

So because I believe something else, I'm condenscending? Haha makes sense.

 

I'm a d**k

 

You weren't giving your opinion you were basically saying she is wrong. There is a difference.

 

I agree with your statement. Have a nice day.

[Simon Phoenix]

The way some people respond to posters and straight up say they are wrong for doing something. For example the OP stated that breaking NC was good for her to get closure and move on yet people feel the need to post that she was in the wrong for doing so and believing that breaking NC wasn't the best idea. That's not giving advice that's just being condescending. As I said every situation is different so they don't have to point out she is wrong.

 

I don't think the word condescending means what you think it means.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

You weren't giving your opinion you were basically saying she is wrong. There is a difference.

 

I agree with your statement. Have a nice day.

 

Please state where I said, in my two small sentences, "You are wrong" ??

 

Your "have a nice day" is patronizing and condescending hahaha

 

....I love new users

 

Threadjacking needs to end....OP, your opinion if valid, but its a slippery slope. I could go into an entire article about it, but it's late and I dont feel like getting ragged on for my opinions on an opinion site so I'll leave it at that.

Edited December 30, 2013 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[polynomial]

This was not a "quiet phase". We had broken up, then after 1,5 weeks went NC for 2 weeks and then I broke it.

 

I understand why some people might not think breaking NC was a good idea. And yes, I still sometimes think "oh god, maybe I didn't phrase that particular thought the way I wanted to and he misunderstood it? Better call up and fix it!". Of course, I don't call and here's why:

 

Our break-up was rather out of the blue for me so at first I was in shock and didn't know whatto think of it. But seeing him after a month and having him look me in the eye and say: "Please have the grace to let me go. Please let me go my own weird way. Please, let's not torture each other anymore. I am so sorry." made me realise there will NEVER be any hope for us anymore. He's made up his mind. So whenever I have the new urge to fix my phrasing or whatever, I remember this. And I KNOW me calling would only make things worse.

 

That's just how it was for me.

[Am4Real]

Polynomial, breaking “no contact” seems to have worked for you and you appear settled so I personally take no issue with you on this action.

 

On the opposite spectrum many go through what you did and do not get the closure or the realization it is over. The DUMPER is not totally honest, lies or works to not hurt the dumpee further and tells half the story followed by the dumpee initiating more questions and trying to resolve snippets of details which spawn even more uncertainty and more questions – an endless cycle.

 

We read it here on LS over and over and over, hence much of the negative tone and advice to not break “no contact” comes from this perspective. From what we read here and perhaps have experienced personally, the chances of breaking “no contact” backfiring are far larger than gaining the closure you describe.

 

If you’re settled now having the answers you sought from the dumper and have no further consternation over the break up, then good for you, I’m very happy for you.

 

Please don’t take it as criticism “of you personally” when many posters speak out against breaking NC, most know it nearly never works as intended and speak from their heads, as in their hearts, they probably have come close to pushing the communication trigger on more than one occasion themselves.

 

I’m happy for you – take good care.