Onethirtyeight Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I am in a pretty much the same position... To you and the OP are you upset about this or just wondering why? I'd say its reasonable to wonder why and the answer to that is you're probably just being so picky that very few people you can get meet your requirements. Which I'd say as all you need to do is accept that and go from there. I do this and I'm fine with it I feel like you (Eternal Sunshine) are doing that too I wonder if the OP is.
mishy Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 a psychologist told me that its best for all women to avoid online dating altogether. She said the men (over a certain age ie 30 or so) are usually there for money, sex, or using, or have severe emotional issues. said its something she sees time and again
Author furby19 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 It's possible that you are attracted to non-relationship oriented men. Not saying you specifically like men that don't want relationships - just that the characteristics that you find attractive may be correlated with men that aren't relationship oriented. For example, men that want to have sex with a lot of women may spend more time on their physical appearance than those that are naturally monogamous (i.e. working out, being fashionable etc.). If you are naturally attracted to men that put a lot of effort into their physical appearance, and do not have a lot of patience for "players", this might explain your dry spell. Nope........this is not my problem. I know this may sound weird but I am not into looks. I am more into a guy's personality and how he treats me. The two guys that I fell for in the last couple of years treated me really nice and clicked with me very well. They were not "hot" at all and spent most of their time in their work clothes. As the months passed, I started to see signs that something wasn't right. I do not ignore red flags since I was hurt really bad by someone when I was in college. So, I moved on with my life and left the guys behind in hopes that there was something better out there.
regine_phalange Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 There is an interesting societal shift happening. But you remaining single for a long time? Nah, I'll put money on the opposite. I wont give in. 1
Author furby19 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 To you and the OP are you upset about this or just wondering why? I'd say its reasonable to wonder why and the answer to that is you're probably just being so picky that very few people you can get meet your requirements. Which I'd say as all you need to do is accept that and go from there. I do this and I'm fine with it I feel like you (Eternal Sunshine) are doing that too I wonder if the OP is. 1st -Are you saying that chemistry is not necessary? 2nd-I am picky when it comes to how a man treats me. I refuse to stand down from that. I have been used, abused, and hurt by someone many years ago because I refused to accept the reality of things. I was in love. Love can stop you from seeing things for what they are. I am not going down that road again. 3rd- Thanks for responding to my thread. I don't want to come off as a bi**ch and hender others from responding. I really do need some answers and I am grateful for all the responses I have received.
edgygirl Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I agree with regine_phalange. I've dated in the 90s and it's a completely different world now. No one seems to want to get serious or be really interested in a relationship. Interestingly in my experience the only guys who seem to want a relationship have some serious type of issue - no job or career to speak of, needy or psychopaths. I'm letting go for now and trying to enjoy life. It's kind of sad. 1
Author furby19 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 I don't know much about you, but if you're dating a good number of people and not finding anyone, something is indeed awry. The only two things I can guess from the provided info is: 1. "Location: Eastern Michigan" and/or 2. Your picker needs some serious retuning. It's not that I am finding anyone.......I am not finding anyone that I am interested in and vice versa. It seems like when I do find someone, it is some BS behind it. I am not in Easter Michigan anymore. I am in Chicago. The only time I get hit on is at night clubs here. I am not saying it is impossible, but what are the chances of a relationship coming out of meeting someone at a club? What can I do to retune my picking? Please let me know. I usually go off of chemistry. If I don't have chemistry with someone, I don't date them seriously. Any suggestions?
Mrlonelyone Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 The thing to do is to avoid night clubs. I live in Chicagoland and around here night clubs etc are only for meeting hook ups. Once you are out of the night clubs do not go on chemistry. Having that instant spark the first time you meet is really just horniness and it does not mean that they will be compatible. You need to focus on finding someone compatible. You need that slow, long term chemistry as well as a spark. Here is something to consider. Much psychological research says that women look for one of two kinds of men, cad's and dads. Women Like Cads for Sex, Dads for Mating Right now by going to a club and going off of chemistry and spark...you are targeting cads. You are targeting men with a high likelihood of dark triad personality traits psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism (no empathy, self absorbed and self congraduating, and manipulative). In LS speak, bad boys. While men like that can reform they have to want to settle down. Realize this does not happen consciously. It is an instinct. If you want something long term you need to look for a dad. Dad's don't go to clubs and tend to be less flashy and appear boring. But they'll tuck your kids in at night.
Author furby19 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) The thing to do is to avoid night clubs. I live in Chicagoland and around here night clubs etc are only for meeting hook ups. Once you are out of the night clubs do not go on chemistry. Having that instant spark the first time you meet is really just horniness and it does not mean that they will be compatible. You need to focus on finding someone compatible. You need that slow, long term chemistry as well as a spark. Here is something to consider. Much psychological research says that women look for one of two kinds of men, cad's and dads. Women Like Cads for Sex, Dads for Mating Right now by going to a club and going off of chemistry and spark...you are targeting cads. You are targeting men with a high likelihood of dark triad personality traits psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism (no empathy, self absorbed and self congraduating, and manipulative). In LS speak, bad boys. While men like that can reform they have to want to settle down. Realize this does not happen consciously. It is an instinct. If you want something long term you need to look for a dad. Dad's don't go to clubs and tend to be less flashy and appear boring. But they'll tuck your kids in at night. Thanks for your response. I do not go out with guys that I meet at night clubs. I said that was the only place guys hit on me at. They hit on me at work but I don't want any drama at work. However, you may have hit a nail with the chemistry thing. I never looked at it this way. It seems like if I don't initially connect with a guy, I never will. I have tried to date guys that I did not click with in the past and it just did not work out. Edited December 30, 2013 by furby19 grammar errors
Author furby19 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 The thing to do is to avoid night clubs. I live in Chicagoland and around here night clubs etc are only for meeting hook ups. Once you are out of the night clubs do not go on chemistry. Having that instant spark the first time you meet is really just horniness and it does not mean that they will be compatible. You need to focus on finding someone compatible. You need that slow, long term chemistry as well as a spark. Here is something to consider. Much psychological research says that women look for one of two kinds of men, cad's and dads. Women Like Cads for Sex, Dads for Mating Right now by going to a club and going off of chemistry and spark...you are targeting cads. You are targeting men with a high likelihood of dark triad personality traits psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism (no empathy, self absorbed and self congraduating, and manipulative). In LS speak, bad boys. While men like that can reform they have to want to settle down. Realize this does not happen consciously. It is an instinct. If you want something long term you need to look for a dad. Dad's don't go to clubs and tend to be less flashy and appear boring. But they'll tuck your kids in at night. I just read the article and it is very interesting. The last guy that I dated that I liked reminded me a lot of my dad and I was really into him. I used to say it to him all the time. Their mannerisms were very similar. Unfortunately, I found out he was married. It's just my luck :-(
Author furby19 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Was your dad a cheating douchebag? Nope he wasn't. I am saying that he shared a lot of the same characteristics and mannerisms that my father has. That is what made me like him. The fact that he was a "cheating douchebag" is what drove me away. If you go back and read the thread you will see that I have a really low tolerance for certain things (cheating being one of them).
Mrlonelyone Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I just read the article and it is very interesting. The last guy that I dated that I liked reminded me a lot of my dad and I was really into him. I used to say it to him all the time. Their mannerisms were very similar. Unfortunately, I found out he was married. It's just my luck :-( It's not so much that "dads" remind you of your father.... Cads are men you click with and have sparks for right away. They tend to be symmetrical, attractive, usually masculine, flashy and dominant in some way. They also tend to be less empathetic, more self absorbed and more manipulative. They are the kind of guy you don't take home to mama. Dads are men you don't usually click with. They are less dominant, less physically attractive. Yet they are more empathetic, giving, and better providers. They are the kind of guy every elder thinks a young woman should marry. What I am saying is, as long as you pick men that make you feel "chemistry" right away, cads, you will get the same results. Let me ask you this...do you try to change the men you feel chemistry right away with so that they will become marriage material?
Author furby19 Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 It's not so much that "dads" remind you of your father.... Cads are men you click with and have sparks for right away. They tend to be symmetrical, attractive, usually masculine, flashy and dominant in some way. They also tend to be less empathetic, more self absorbed and more manipulative. They are the kind of guy you don't take home to mama. Dads are men you don't usually click with. They are less dominant, less physically attractive. Yet they are more empathetic, giving, and better providers. They are the kind of guy every elder thinks a young woman should marry. What I am saying is, as long as you pick men that make you feel "chemistry" right away, cads, you will get the same results. Let me ask you this...do you try to change the men you feel chemistry right away with so that they will become marriage material? No. I have never tried to change anybody......EVER!!!!
Onethirtyeight Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 1st -Are you saying that chemistry is not necessary? 2nd-I am picky when it comes to how a man treats me. I refuse to stand down from that. I have been used, abused, and hurt by someone many years ago because I refused to accept the reality of things. I was in love. Love can stop you from seeing things for what they are. I am not going down that road again. 3rd- Thanks for responding to my thread. I don't want to come off as a bi**ch and hender others from responding. I really do need some answers and I am grateful for all the responses I have received. Not what I'm saying at all. What I am saying is you either need to accept that you being picky means you get fewer dates or be less picky if you don't want to take that "penalty". I just didn't want to be that blunt. So no nothing is wrong with you. 1
deathandtaxes Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 However, I think I am a pretty good catch. Haha, don't we all!! Maybe you think too highly of yourself and reject guys who don't fit some sort of check list? I recently went online to see if I can meet someone. I met a few guys in person but I didn't seem to vibe with them. Don't get me wrong, I have been dating off and on in these 13 years, but it seems that I can't find anyone who isn't into playing games, full of crap, or married. I found out the last two guys that I liked were either married or temporarily broken up from a long term relationships. Meet more guys!! It doesn't have to be anything serious. Quantity to find quality. And maybe you need to ask yourself if your selection filter is just ****ed up. Or why you attract or are attracted to the married/separated guys. I have a good job and social life. Please help me understand what I am doing wrong. Any advice will be helpful.............. Try and try again! If you have a good job and social life, surely you have coworkers and friends that might just know some good single people for you to meet? Approach dating like you have your life - it's gonna take some work. You can't just expect Mr. Right to come a-knocking if you don't put in the work.
Recommended Posts