Hear My Story, If You Dare

[tuxedosheep]

Hi fellow LS-ers,

 

This is my first post, even though I have been reading through many LS posts to cope with my situation. Reading so many threads has lead me to come out with my own story, my own circumstance. I have not had the guts to tell anyone the full extent of this story, as I generally am not an all-open kind of person. I am eager to hear any opinions, good or bad.

 

Disclaimer: I realize the extent of my actions and insecurities as you read through my story. However, if you wish to chastise me, feel free to as it is something I acknowledge and but I am still struggling to forgive myself.

 

This story is about love, indecision, confusion, and mental issues. It is a long read, just FYI.

 

PART I: THE ADDICTION

It all began in my first year of college. An old acquaintance of mine that I had met many years ago at a school camp began to contact me because he was about to go to university an hour and a half from my hometown. He wanted to meet up and catch up. I was like, sure, whatever. I was fond of the memories we had shared as kids. So, we meet up, and this all leads to me playing games with him online, talking more and more. Finally, he invites me down to the university for the weekend. I had recently ended my high school relationship, and simply just said yes (even though I certainly hadn't given myself enough time to grieve over my 1.5 year relationship). I was eager for some adventure, or some sort. So, I go to the university, and by the end of the trip, I'm his girlfriend and apparently he had loved me for years (something that began we had first met and talked). I suppose I was his childhood love, but our contact was so sparse because I was very busy with school and seemed to always have a boyfriend.

 

Anyways, here we are. Suddenly dating. But man, I sure did fall hard for this guy. He filled me up with how he knew I was the one for him since years ago. He told me we were to get married and that I was very special. Guys, I ate this up and didn't doubt it for a moment or question how silly it sounded. I guess I am a sucker for romance, but I was like, YEAH, I am ALL for this. And I gave every single bit of my trust and love to him, because it's the real deal, right. You know this story.

 

It lasts for only 3 months. He breaks up with me while I am visiting him and his family after Christmas. Yes, I was still staying at his house. Yes, I still had to stay at his house for 2 more days until I could take a plane back home (his hometown was 6 hours away). It was a very traumatic moment for me. To make things worse, we stayed in contact as friends (he begged me to). I'm extremely stubborn at times, and I thought that if I stayed in contact with him, I could show him that I was still the girl he thought he wanted. I thought I could win him over eventually, by being a good friend or by attracting him somehow. This lasts for half a year, with much torture on myself and on him too. I constantly would break down and ask him if he still loved me or if he still cared. It was like getting shot in the chest every time he said,

 

"I love you as a sister. I still care, but I am not interested in being in a relationship with you."

 

Still, I thought he was lying to himself. (I am VERY stubborn when I want something very badly.) So I stuck around, occasionally threatening to leave and such. But always coming back, because I loved him very much. Or at least I thought I was. I call this part this addiction because I was addicted to him. He was the first one to break me and reject me, and that only made it harder for a stubborn person to walk away. I craved the very thing I couldn't have, and I killed myself (trying to change myself, appear a certain way... sacrificed all my self-worth) trying to get him to give me another chance. I even transferred colleges to be at the same university as him. Then another guy stepped into my life...

 

PART II: THE UNDER-APPRECIATED

So, another guy walks into my life all of a sudden. I met him at a new job I had gotten for the summer. He was everything I wanted-- very kind, funny, God-loving, flawlessly attractive, liked anime and video games, AND WAS GOING TO THE SAME UNIVERSITY AS ME IN THE COMING SEMESTER. Guys, I cannot explain how strange and wonderful that was for me. It took me back, and although I was a bit cautious, it was great to really like somebody else again. The best part was that he felt that same way about me. By the end of the summer, we were officially dating. But yes, you've guessed it. I wasn't over 'Addiction' yet, though I didn't really think about him anymore. I swept my skeletons into the closet, and went into this relationship headfirst.

 

So we end up going to university together, and it is great. Until I see Addiction at university too. Addiction contacts me and wants to have lunch, although he knows I have my new boyfriend. So basically, the semester goes on with me wanting Addiction back, totally being awful to my new boyfriend. I was open with my new boyfriend, telling him the past of Addiction and such, but I also would break down and tell my new boyfriend that I would choose Addiction over him. It broke NB (new boyfriend) down a lot, but for some odd reason, he always stuck around and tried to see me through. NB would push for me to have no contact with A, would tell me he was not worth it, and would listen to my worries and such. NB was incredibly patient, even though personally, I think he should have left me...

 

Anyways, this literally goes on for a year and a half. I had broken up with NB two times, but always came back to him because I knew NB was really worth it. I just couldn't shake the want of A off my back. You can imagine the amount of hurt I bestowed on NB. I betrayed him, lied to him behind his back, and wanted A and even my high school boyfriend at one time over him! Trust me guys, I know I was terrible. The worst part was that I truly enjoyed my time with NB. He really was everything I wanted, I just couldn't get myself to truly appreciate what I had. A simply wonderful person, and I couldn't treat him with the love and respect he deserved, although I truly think I cared and loved him behind my confusion and indecision. It is also good to know that at this time, I was dealing with depression and high levels of anxiety that I was unaware of (plus dealing with new university life). There were lots of mental issues going on in my head that I simply couldn't get myself out of at that time to truly treat NB with love and respect. I was literally drowning in my own addiction to A, the trauma from that break up and being strung along, my indecision, and mental issues.

 

Regretfully, I treated him so poorly. I feel so terrible about this. He has forgiven me, but I'm unsure I have truly forgiven myself. He gave me everything and more, and even at one point, he was saving up for an engagement ring for me. He always called me a good person, even though I was full of mistakes and mishaps. He said I had good intentions, but I always would have meltdowns that lead to terrible things.

 

So, eventually... I reach a point where I just ended everything. I don't know what I was really thinking, I guess I just wanted to escape. I tend to run when things get hard, I suppose. I said I didn't love him as much as I should, and that I needed to deal with my issues. I felt so bad about how I treated him, I told him that he deserved to be treated so much better than I had to offer. I knew that at my current situation, I wasn't fit to be his girlfriend. So I made him leave. We had almost been dating for 2 years. At that point, I truly wanted to make an effort to change this person. I was so tired of wanting what I couldn't have, and I was tired of having mental breakdowns and freaking out. I didn't want to cause any more trouble. Maybe I was overwhelmed. Maybe I was being selfish. I was numb, and that break up didn't really hurt for some reason. I felt over him in an instant. I don't understand that feeling to this day. Maybe I felt some form of relief from escaping and running away from my situation...

 

PART III: THE UNEXPECTED

So here I am, still trying to rid myself of the demons I had accumulated. I started with dealing with A, or should I say, fate dealt with it. He went to the military a few weeks after I broke up with NB, and I no longer could be in contact with him for the next 2-3 months. (I simply got over him after not being in contact with him. It only took me 3 years to try that...Ha.) After that, I decided that I should definitely be single for awhile and learn how to cope with being alone. I wanted to be strong by myself. I wanted to learn how to deal with my meltdowns and to deal with my depression/anxiety. I didn't want to be how I was to NB.

 

Well, that sounds great, right? On the right track. Now, here's where things get fuzzy again. I was okay with flirting with others, I guess to help myself cope. I began flirting with a guy that I played games with online. He lives in Canada, and I'm in the US. I didn't want to play with anybody's heart, so I made it clear to him that I really didn't want a relationship or to be serious. I just wanted to casually flirt, and if he didn't like that, I would respect that and stop. He told me he was okay with it, and I told myself again--"Self, you WILL NOT fall in love or date anyone. I won't allow it."

 

Didn't happen. After flirting and talking with him for two months, I found myself really liking him. We could talk for hours about anything and everything, and he had many traits that I admired. He was very genuine, truthful, witty, and had great self-esteem. But he was also in touch with his emotions... very mature and wise for his age. I admired this a lot, and naturally, was drawn to him. After two months of breaking it off with NB, I started dating K. It was a great relationship, even though we were in a LDR. He came to visit me after a few months, and I had the most wonderful time... Until I started thinking about NB. I felt like I was betraying him, and I got an urgent desire to break things off with K and return to K.

 

NOTE: [NB and I had a very comfortable relationship, if not a bit boring. We liked to stay in, for things to be very neat and orderly. We liked to study and workout, and have a very good sleep schedule.

 

K was not really like this. He was a bit of an adventurous person... he had traveled to Africa all by himself a year ago. He would encourage me to switch up my routine sometimes to break the monotony, and he made me feel adventurous. Just wanted to explain this contrast.]

 

I do not really like change, but I think I crave it at times. But the reality of a new relationship with K had set in, and I was extremely uncomfortable with this change. Plus, how am I supposed to deal with the fact that K is not as orderly and organized as NB? These were the type of thoughts I was having.

 

Surprisingly, I didn't break up with K when he left town. Something in the back of my mind was telling me that things with NB just wouldn't work out, since they hadn't in the almost 2 years we had together. Nothing really had changed since then, why would it be different? Plus, I still liked what K and I had. Well, after K left, I REGRETTABLY started contacting NB again. NB still wanted me back...

 

I contemplated leaving K for NB multiple times. I still cared so much for NB, and he was still my picture perfect partner. However, I cared much for K as well, and K was a breath of fresh air with his reason and adventure. I honestly didn't know what I wanted more, and regrettably, I danced on this line for awhile. I told K about how I felt, and he told me that I needed to cut contact with NB or he would leave. I said I would, but I kept putting it off.

 

I had another meltdown later that year, and I broke things off with K and immediately called NB. I actually slept with NB that night. Yes, you must hate me now-- I don't blame you.

 

BUT, yeah, after that happened, I felt so terrible. I felt bad for betraying K, and I immediately told K what happened and begged him to forgive me. He forgave me because he told me that he believed in me, understood that I was acting in an attempt to alleviate my pain and confusion. He told me he understood how I was just trying to escape, and for that, he told me that he would take me back, but only under the condition that I remove NB from my life.

 

Didn't happen, guys. I continued to small talk with NB about once a month. I even met up with him a few times to catch up. You're probably wondering why K didn't leave me. I don't really know why either. He told me one time that he won't give up on something that he believes in and wants. He also believed that I could conquer anything. I guess he just didn't feel like what I was doing was bad enough for him to give up on us. I knew that I really should leave NB alone, but I just didn't really know if I wanted to give up on him completely or not.

 

I was completely and utterly indecisive. But, when I tried to actually come back to NB and thought I wanted him back... He suddenly wasn't so apt to take me back. He was liking another girl and wanted to see how it turned out with her. I was so torn. I was literally GREEN with envy, and the worst part is... this was happening when K was still in town. And no, I wasn't completely honest with K about all that happened.

 

PART IV: MOST CURRENT

We are closing in to what is happening now. So, NB was not so sure about having me back and could not make a decision on it. NB said he still loved me, but he didn't think that anything had changed and was sure that I would leave him again (can you blame him?). I felt incredibly depressed. I literally hated myself because I knew I had hurt NB very badly and now I was doing the same crap to K.

 

I grew suicidal and hated himself for the human being I was. I felt like trash, like scum, and that I didn't deserve to live anymore.

 

K talked me out of my thoughts and told me that if I needed to take time for myself alone to heal, that he would respect that. He was truly concerned with my well-being. Then the semester was over, and I returned home (also home of NB).

 

I met up with NB to settle things, as he was still indecisive and I was dying over all this. He still was not sure, but he said he felt comfortable with me. I guess he was saying that he wanted to let me in slowly... but guys. I STOPPED HIM. I told NB... that things probably wouldn't be any different. I told him that if we truly stood a chance in the future, we would have to not be in contact and would have to take time for ourselves to heal. I told him that he deserved to take time for himself to truly heal and explore other relationships if he desired. I told him how sorry I was for all the pain I had caused, and he mercifully forgave me. He told me he agreed this was the right thing to do, and he told me he did not want to get back with me. I wished him well, and we haven't been in contact since.

 

Since then, K and I's relationship has gotten a lot better. I told K I finally settled things with NB. I felt my desire and attraction to K grow again, and I felt my love grow again. But every now and then, I have dreams about NB, and I struggle to not talk to him. Plus, I sometimes truly question why I let NB go. I question whether I really want what I chose. I miss NB, and feel broken about it. It is like we just broke up, as bad as that seems. I know things would not really work currently, but I can't help but feel like I want to break things off with K and continue the NC and perhaps get NB back later.

 

On the flipside, with my best judgment, I think it would benefit me greatly to just be single and get over BOTH K and NB at the same time. I would have to remain completely single and deal with my depression/anxiety/meltdowns. However, I don't feel I can truly do that because I don't really want to give up on K currently.

 

I still think we have a good relationship, and he is very good to me. I enjoy my time with him, and I care deeply about him. I don't really understand the deep reason of why I can't walk away. I'm not really afraid of being alone, since I know it would be beneficial for me. But to throw away a relationship I care about for it? It seems like the timing is just all off.

 

If only I had truly taken the time to be single after A, I think I would have had much better success in my relationships, with much, much, MUCH less hurt. However, we must make the best of our circumstances presently.

 

WRAPPING IT UP:

I still miss NB and am unsure whether I want to give up on that relationship. He is the person I feel most comfortable with, and has the qualities I would want in a husband. I feel heartbroken about our loss.

I still value my relationship with K and am unsure whether I want to give up on our relationship. He is the person I can see having a deeper relationship with if it works out.

I think being single would be most beneficial for me, but I am unsure whether I want to truly give up on these beautiful and wonderful people. I realize that I must put myself first in order to really be happy, but I would be sacrificing the opportunity with K. I just am unsure I can't just deal with this with him by my side.

Throughout all this, I have had many health issues. Autoimmune disorders, depression, high anxiety. I can't help but feel like this has also ruined me.

 

So, if you actually read all this... I commend you. And greatly thank you. It feels good to have this all off my chest.

 

ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED.

 

Much appreciation,

tuxedosheep

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Do you want to know the honest to goodness impression I get from reading all of that??

 

You are a selfish, self-absorbed person that does not truly know what they want in a partner or relationship. In the mean time you continue to emotionally abuse these poor men that care about you in your selfish attempt to have it all. You say that you feel terrible and guilty for the way you treat them, yet you just continue to keep doing it...even now. The biggest favor you could do for these poor love-sick souls is to cut them loose, leave them be, and straighten yourself out. Figure out what it is to REALLY love someone and be in a committed relationship. How long do you think you will be able to treat people like doormats before karma jumps up and bites you in the ass?

[Haydn]

Got it off your chest? Feel better? Vindicated? Dont treat partners like you treat yourself. So yes, leave them alone and work on yourself.

 

 

 

Hi fellow LS-ers,

 

This is my first post, even though I have been reading through many LS posts to cope with my situation. Reading so many threads has lead me to come out with my own story, my own circumstance. I have not had the guts to tell anyone the full extent of this story, as I generally am not an all-open kind of person. I am eager to hear any opinions, good or bad.

 

Disclaimer: I realize the extent of my actions and insecurities as you read through my story. However, if you wish to chastise me, feel free to as it is something I acknowledge and but I am still struggling to forgive myself.

 

This story is about love, indecision, confusion, and mental issues. It is a long read, just FYI.

 

PART I: THE ADDICTION

It all began in my first year of college. An old acquaintance of mine that I had met many years ago at a school camp began to contact me because he was about to go to university an hour and a half from my hometown. He wanted to meet up and catch up. I was like, sure, whatever. I was fond of the memories we had shared as kids. So, we meet up, and this all leads to me playing games with him online, talking more and more. Finally, he invites me down to the university for the weekend. I had recently ended my high school relationship, and simply just said yes (even though I certainly hadn't given myself enough time to grieve over my 1.5 year relationship). I was eager for some adventure, or some sort. So, I go to the university, and by the end of the trip, I'm his girlfriend and apparently he had loved me for years (something that began we had first met and talked). I suppose I was his childhood love, but our contact was so sparse because I was very busy with school and seemed to always have a boyfriend.

 

Anyways, here we are. Suddenly dating. But man, I sure did fall hard for this guy. He filled me up with how he knew I was the one for him since years ago. He told me we were to get married and that I was very special. Guys, I ate this up and didn't doubt it for a moment or question how silly it sounded. I guess I am a sucker for romance, but I was like, YEAH, I am ALL for this. And I gave every single bit of my trust and love to him, because it's the real deal, right. You know this story.

 

It lasts for only 3 months. He breaks up with me while I am visiting him and his family after Christmas. Yes, I was still staying at his house. Yes, I still had to stay at his house for 2 more days until I could take a plane back home (his hometown was 6 hours away). It was a very traumatic moment for me. To make things worse, we stayed in contact as friends (he begged me to). I'm extremely stubborn at times, and I thought that if I stayed in contact with him, I could show him that I was still the girl he thought he wanted. I thought I could win him over eventually, by being a good friend or by attracting him somehow. This lasts for half a year, with much torture on myself and on him too. I constantly would break down and ask him if he still loved me or if he still cared. It was like getting shot in the chest every time he said,

 

"I love you as a sister. I still care, but I am not interested in being in a relationship with you."

 

Still, I thought he was lying to himself. (I am VERY stubborn when I want something very badly.) So I stuck around, occasionally threatening to leave and such. But always coming back, because I loved him very much. Or at least I thought I was. I call this part this addiction because I was addicted to him. He was the first one to break me and reject me, and that only made it harder for a stubborn person to walk away. I craved the very thing I couldn't have, and I killed myself (trying to change myself, appear a certain way... sacrificed all my self-worth) trying to get him to give me another chance. I even transferred colleges to be at the same university as him. Then another guy stepped into my life...

 

PART II: THE UNDER-APPRECIATED

So, another guy walks into my life all of a sudden. I met him at a new job I had gotten for the summer. He was everything I wanted-- very kind, funny, God-loving, flawlessly attractive, liked anime and video games, AND WAS GOING TO THE SAME UNIVERSITY AS ME IN THE COMING SEMESTER. Guys, I cannot explain how strange and wonderful that was for me. It took me back, and although I was a bit cautious, it was great to really like somebody else again. The best part was that he felt that same way about me. By the end of the summer, we were officially dating. But yes, you've guessed it. I wasn't over 'Addiction' yet, though I didn't really think about him anymore. I swept my skeletons into the closet, and went into this relationship headfirst.

 

So we end up going to university together, and it is great. Until I see Addiction at university too. Addiction contacts me and wants to have lunch, although he knows I have my new boyfriend. So basically, the semester goes on with me wanting Addiction back, totally being awful to my new boyfriend. I was open with my new boyfriend, telling him the past of Addiction and such, but I also would break down and tell my new boyfriend that I would choose Addiction over him. It broke NB (new boyfriend) down a lot, but for some odd reason, he always stuck around and tried to see me through. NB would push for me to have no contact with A, would tell me he was not worth it, and would listen to my worries and such. NB was incredibly patient, even though personally, I think he should have left me...

 

Anyways, this literally goes on for a year and a half. I had broken up with NB two times, but always came back to him because I knew NB was really worth it. I just couldn't shake the want of A off my back. You can imagine the amount of hurt I bestowed on NB. I betrayed him, lied to him behind his back, and wanted A and even my high school boyfriend at one time over him! Trust me guys, I know I was terrible. The worst part was that I truly enjoyed my time with NB. He really was everything I wanted, I just couldn't get myself to truly appreciate what I had. A simply wonderful person, and I couldn't treat him with the love and respect he deserved, although I truly think I cared and loved him behind my confusion and indecision. It is also good to know that at this time, I was dealing with depression and high levels of anxiety that I was unaware of (plus dealing with new university life). There were lots of mental issues going on in my head that I simply couldn't get myself out of at that time to truly treat NB with love and respect. I was literally drowning in my own addiction to A, the trauma from that break up and being strung along, my indecision, and mental issues.

 

Regretfully, I treated him so poorly. I feel so terrible about this. He has forgiven me, but I'm unsure I have truly forgiven myself. He gave me everything and more, and even at one point, he was saving up for an engagement ring for me. He always called me a good person, even though I was full of mistakes and mishaps. He said I had good intentions, but I always would have meltdowns that lead to terrible things.

 

So, eventually... I reach a point where I just ended everything. I don't know what I was really thinking, I guess I just wanted to escape. I tend to run when things get hard, I suppose. I said I didn't love him as much as I should, and that I needed to deal with my issues. I felt so bad about how I treated him, I told him that he deserved to be treated so much better than I had to offer. I knew that at my current situation, I wasn't fit to be his girlfriend. So I made him leave. We had almost been dating for 2 years. At that point, I truly wanted to make an effort to change this person. I was so tired of wanting what I couldn't have, and I was tired of having mental breakdowns and freaking out. I didn't want to cause any more trouble. Maybe I was overwhelmed. Maybe I was being selfish. I was numb, and that break up didn't really hurt for some reason. I felt over him in an instant. I don't understand that feeling to this day. Maybe I felt some form of relief from escaping and running away from my situation...

 

PART III: THE UNEXPECTED

So here I am, still trying to rid myself of the demons I had accumulated. I started with dealing with A, or should I say, fate dealt with it. He went to the military a few weeks after I broke up with NB, and I no longer could be in contact with him for the next 2-3 months. (I simply got over him after not being in contact with him. It only took me 3 years to try that...Ha.) After that, I decided that I should definitely be single for awhile and learn how to cope with being alone. I wanted to be strong by myself. I wanted to learn how to deal with my meltdowns and to deal with my depression/anxiety. I didn't want to be how I was to NB.

 

Well, that sounds great, right? On the right track. Now, here's where things get fuzzy again. I was okay with flirting with others, I guess to help myself cope. I began flirting with a guy that I played games with online. He lives in Canada, and I'm in the US. I didn't want to play with anybody's heart, so I made it clear to him that I really didn't want a relationship or to be serious. I just wanted to casually flirt, and if he didn't like that, I would respect that and stop. He told me he was okay with it, and I told myself again--"Self, you WILL NOT fall in love or date anyone. I won't allow it."

 

Didn't happen. After flirting and talking with him for two months, I found myself really liking him. We could talk for hours about anything and everything, and he had many traits that I admired. He was very genuine, truthful, witty, and had great self-esteem. But he was also in touch with his emotions... very mature and wise for his age. I admired this a lot, and naturally, was drawn to him. After two months of breaking it off with NB, I started dating K. It was a great relationship, even though we were in a LDR. He came to visit me after a few months, and I had the most wonderful time... Until I started thinking about NB. I felt like I was betraying him, and I got an urgent desire to break things off with K and return to K.

 

NOTE: [NB and I had a very comfortable relationship, if not a bit boring. We liked to stay in, for things to be very neat and orderly. We liked to study and workout, and have a very good sleep schedule.

 

K was not really like this. He was a bit of an adventurous person... he had traveled to Africa all by himself a year ago. He would encourage me to switch up my routine sometimes to break the monotony, and he made me feel adventurous. Just wanted to explain this contrast.]

 

I do not really like change, but I think I crave it at times. But the reality of a new relationship with K had set in, and I was extremely uncomfortable with this change. Plus, how am I supposed to deal with the fact that K is not as orderly and organized as NB? These were the type of thoughts I was having.

 

Surprisingly, I didn't break up with K when he left town. Something in the back of my mind was telling me that things with NB just wouldn't work out, since they hadn't in the almost 2 years we had together. Nothing really had changed since then, why would it be different? Plus, I still liked what K and I had. Well, after K left, I REGRETTABLY started contacting NB again. NB still wanted me back...

 

I contemplated leaving K for NB multiple times. I still cared so much for NB, and he was still my picture perfect partner. However, I cared much for K as well, and K was a breath of fresh air with his reason and adventure. I honestly didn't know what I wanted more, and regrettably, I danced on this line for awhile. I told K about how I felt, and he told me that I needed to cut contact with NB or he would leave. I said I would, but I kept putting it off.

 

I had another meltdown later that year, and I broke things off with K and immediately called NB. I actually slept with NB that night. Yes, you must hate me now-- I don't blame you.

 

BUT, yeah, after that happened, I felt so terrible. I felt bad for betraying K, and I immediately told K what happened and begged him to forgive me. He forgave me because he told me that he believed in me, understood that I was acting in an attempt to alleviate my pain and confusion. He told me he understood how I was just trying to escape, and for that, he told me that he would take me back, but only under the condition that I remove NB from my life.

 

Didn't happen, guys. I continued to small talk with NB about once a month. I even met up with him a few times to catch up. You're probably wondering why K didn't leave me. I don't really know why either. He told me one time that he won't give up on something that he believes in and wants. He also believed that I could conquer anything. I guess he just didn't feel like what I was doing was bad enough for him to give up on us. I knew that I really should leave NB alone, but I just didn't really know if I wanted to give up on him completely or not.

 

I was completely and utterly indecisive. But, when I tried to actually come back to NB and thought I wanted him back... He suddenly wasn't so apt to take me back. He was liking another girl and wanted to see how it turned out with her. I was so torn. I was literally GREEN with envy, and the worst part is... this was happening when K was still in town. And no, I wasn't completely honest with K about all that happened.

 

PART IV: MOST CURRENT

We are closing in to what is happening now. So, NB was not so sure about having me back and could not make a decision on it. NB said he still loved me, but he didn't think that anything had changed and was sure that I would leave him again (can you blame him?). I felt incredibly depressed. I literally hated myself because I knew I had hurt NB very badly and now I was doing the same crap to K.

 

I grew suicidal and hated himself for the human being I was. I felt like trash, like scum, and that I didn't deserve to live anymore.

 

K talked me out of my thoughts and told me that if I needed to take time for myself alone to heal, that he would respect that. He was truly concerned with my well-being. Then the semester was over, and I returned home (also home of NB).

 

I met up with NB to settle things, as he was still indecisive and I was dying over all this. He still was not sure, but he said he felt comfortable with me. I guess he was saying that he wanted to let me in slowly... but guys. I STOPPED HIM. I told NB... that things probably wouldn't be any different. I told him that if we truly stood a chance in the future, we would have to not be in contact and would have to take time for ourselves to heal. I told him that he deserved to take time for himself to truly heal and explore other relationships if he desired. I told him how sorry I was for all the pain I had caused, and he mercifully forgave me. He told me he agreed this was the right thing to do, and he told me he did not want to get back with me. I wished him well, and we haven't been in contact since.

 

Since then, K and I's relationship has gotten a lot better. I told K I finally settled things with NB. I felt my desire and attraction to K grow again, and I felt my love grow again. But every now and then, I have dreams about NB, and I struggle to not talk to him. Plus, I sometimes truly question why I let NB go. I question whether I really want what I chose. I miss NB, and feel broken about it. It is like we just broke up, as bad as that seems. I know things would not really work currently, but I can't help but feel like I want to break things off with K and continue the NC and perhaps get NB back later.

 

On the flipside, with my best judgment, I think it would benefit me greatly to just be single and get over BOTH K and NB at the same time. I would have to remain completely single and deal with my depression/anxiety/meltdowns. However, I don't feel I can truly do that because I don't really want to give up on K currently.

 

I still think we have a good relationship, and he is very good to me. I enjoy my time with him, and I care deeply about him. I don't really understand the deep reason of why I can't walk away. I'm not really afraid of being alone, since I know it would be beneficial for me. But to throw away a relationship I care about for it? It seems like the timing is just all off.

 

If only I had truly taken the time to be single after A, I think I would have had much better success in my relationships, with much, much, MUCH less hurt. However, we must make the best of our circumstances presently.

 

WRAPPING IT UP:

I still miss NB and am unsure whether I want to give up on that relationship. He is the person I feel most comfortable with, and has the qualities I would want in a husband. I feel heartbroken about our loss.

I still value my relationship with K and am unsure whether I want to give up on our relationship. He is the person I can see having a deeper relationship with if it works out.

I think being single would be most beneficial for me, but I am unsure whether I want to truly give up on these beautiful and wonderful people. I realize that I must put myself first in order to really be happy, but I would be sacrificing the opportunity with K. I just am unsure I can't just deal with this with him by my side.

Throughout all this, I have had many health issues. Autoimmune disorders, depression, high anxiety. I can't help but feel like this has also ruined me.

 

So, if you actually read all this... I commend you. And greatly thank you. It feels good to have this all off my chest.

 

ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED.

 

Much appreciation,

tuxedosheep

[tuxedosheep]

Thank you for your reply. It was not my intention to treat them like this. I just read a thread on G.I.G.S and I believe that is my true issue. However, I do realize that my actions were selfish and uncalled for and I am truly sorry for the way I behaved. I will do my best to be better.

[legion113]

Holy crap, I think you need to spend some time alone and really think about your past actions and why you act the way you do. The only way to do that, is to STAY alone for a while without any distractions inherent in a relationship. Seems like you are a complete mess right now, and the poor guys were swept into your vortex.