ButterRum Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 We were together for almost 10 years and we're engaged when he had GIGS and suddenly broke everything off. 6 months with almost no contact and suddenly on Christmas Day he meets up with me and admits he made a mistake and that he wants me to come back. Before he showed up I was just beginning to move on and now I'm in this position where I want to give it another go but the trust I once had with him is gone. He says he knows what he wants in life now but how can I trust that? Does he want to rebuild it? I am seeking therapy for my emotional scars before really deciding. I feel like I've changed since the separation but he has not. Not from what I can see. If I'm willing to try again, how can I put the hurt aside and the fear that he is just settling because he doesn't know anything else? What if I'm totally wrong and sabotage everything? Anyone else been in this position?
xUnknown Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 We were together for almost 10 years and we're engaged when he had GIGS and suddenly broke everything off. 6 months with almost no contact and suddenly on Christmas Day he meets up with me and admits he made a mistake and that he wants me to come back. Before he showed up I was just beginning to move on and now I'm in this position where I want to give it another go but the trust I once had with him is gone. He says he knows what he wants in life now but how can I trust that? Does he want to rebuild it? I am seeking therapy for my emotional scars before really deciding. I feel like I've changed since the separation but he has not. Not from what I can see. If I'm willing to try again, how can I put the hurt aside and the fear that he is just settling because he doesn't know anything else? What if I'm totally wrong and sabotage everything? Anyone else been in this position? I'm in this position right now. My ex broke up with me mid September. I went NC ever since then. Mid December she shows up, unannounced, drove 3.5 hours to my place (Long distance relationship). I said what I needed to say when she came back (pretty much said "no" without saying it). A few days later I texted her saying we'll meet mid-Jan. This gives me time to cool off and consider it all without emotions. I recommend you do the same. I do want to give her another chance, but yes, the past is the past. You can only truly give it a fair chance IF you learn to FORGIVE him. If not, there will always be that thought in the back of your head which will lead to resentment and things wont work out. I"m on my way to forgive her - and in all honesty, most of me does. You have to start a new relationship, forget the old, failed relationship. I can't tell you how to forgive, you just sort of "learn" how to. Maybe its the love I still have for her that overpowers the hate and negative aspect of it all...but if you want a fair chance at it working out, you must forgive.
Kevin_D Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 We were together for almost 10 years and we're engaged when he had GIGS and suddenly broke everything off. 6 months with almost no contact and suddenly on Christmas Day he meets up with me and admits he made a mistake and that he wants me to come back. Before he showed up I was just beginning to move on and now I'm in this position where I want to give it another go but the trust I once had with him is gone. He says he knows what he wants in life now but how can I trust that? Does he want to rebuild it? I am seeking therapy for my emotional scars before really deciding. I feel like I've changed since the separation but he has not. Not from what I can see. If I'm willing to try again, how can I put the hurt aside and the fear that he is just settling because he doesn't know anything else? What if I'm totally wrong and sabotage everything? Anyone else been in this position? According to homebrew's post it's a bit early for reconciliation. You are still hurt and even though he misses you, there's is a risk that he will leave you again. However, my belief is, that if you managed to be happy for 10 years together, there's is obviously a strong connection between you to. Even though most people here claim that you should never get back together with an ex who dumped you, I would give it a chance. But I wouldn't take him back right away. He needs to prove that he has changed and if he really loves you, he will do anything to get that second chance. If you decide to give it another shot, take baby steps. Have a few dates with him, see how it makes you feel.
golk Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I agree with them. You need to take it slow and not rush out and say everything's okay. Make him work for it or else he will just dip out again. Even if you're really invested, act like you're not and see if he's willing to work for it. Only way it can workout I believe. Also, you MUST forgive. If you don't truly forgive him then you will have subconscious resentment which will cause a lot of problems which is what I'm learning right now. Good luck.
Inspiteofrselves Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Ask him. Ask him what the problems were and how he addressed them. And don't set him up to be the bad guy. Express concisely how you changed your sore spots. You are in a good situation. The choice is all yours. Make it with respect for what you had, and lay aside your hurt.
pickflicker Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Be friends with him first before even considering getting back into a relationship. That means platonic friendship, no sex, no kissing, no nothing. Friends first. Then if he's a good friend, he might get a look in to be a boyfriend again.
Author ButterRum Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Thank you everyone! I'm gonna give it a couple months and maybe have a few dates. But for right now I really want to work on me and figure out what I want. You guys are great! 1
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