Wounded and Perplexed during "Break"

[Belizean]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. We are both in college in our early 20s. The past few months have been rough as schoolwork has been demanding - leaving us both in a depressed state. He stopped making the effort to see me as much and contact dwindled. Two weeks ago, before leaving for winter break I noticed him closed off. When I asked what was wrong he said "I'm not as happy as I used to be. I feel like things have gone sour and I don't know what to do. I've felt this way for a while. I see how much effort you put in...how much you love and care, but something in me won't allow me to return the affection."

 

After stating this, he suggested we don't talk or see each other over the 1-month long break. Immediately, I refused this and said "we've hardly seen each other all semester. We need to get off campus and out of the city to see each other in a more relaxed environment - or else we will never be able to repair." We bantered and I demanded to know if he still loved and cared for me. He said he does and after half an hour I threw in the towel. Putting on my coat and shoes, I got up to leave his room, almost in tears. Before getting up, he tackled me to the bed and cried in my lap apologizing. He then proceeded to kiss and hold me. When I asked "can we work things out?" he agreed. We then had dinner and a sleepover. Things seemed fine.

 

The morning after, while leaving to catch the bus he quickly suggested time apart again. I said "but you said we could work it out" and he hugged me tight and said "never mind forget I said that I'm sorry."

 

Well, now it's been a couple of weeks and there has been no contact with the exception of me reach out to say Merry Christmas. He replied wishing me one too, but that's all. Friends and family have suggested I do not contact him or initiate plans to meet up. This is very difficult and I haven't been able to sleep or enjoy my break. Even though I refuted his proposal twice, do you all think he knows I am giving him the space he requested?? I fear he thinks I'm just ignoring him. Should I wish him a happy new year? We will be back on campus in a couple of weeks and near each other. How should I go about this? A

What's too much contact and any suggestions?

[Sand Man Dan]

Men don't take breaks from ladies they are crazy about.

Period.

 

No matter how busy or stressed I've ever been, if anything that would make me want to spend time with my hypothetical SO more.

 

He's displaying wishy washy behavior and seems uncertain of what he wants. This is a huge red flag after 3 years. Do you have reason to suspect him of being unfaithful? It looks to me like he probably met someone.

[Sand Man Dan]

It is not gonna work out, so instead of hurting yourself, back off, and stay away. It will be hard but over time it gets better.

 

Yeah I learned the hard way that when someone begins to leave, they're already long gone.

[Belizean]

But I invested 3 years into this relationship. He said he still has feelings for me and will always love me, but needs time apart. I'm hopeful that giving him the space he requested will display my respect for him and that maybe he will maybe miss me. Everyone keeps telling me to be absent and let him contact me.

[Sand Man Dan]

But I invested 3 years into this relationship. He said he still has feelings for me and will always love me, but needs time apart. I'm hopeful that giving him the space he requested will display my respect for him and that maybe he will maybe miss me. Everyone keeps telling me to be absent and let him contact me.

 

I'm really saying this constructively: Do you know how pathetic that makes you look? He knows he has you at his will and you're willing to do anything to stay with him. He knows you'll put up with him and therefore, he will not respect you because you have allowed him to mistreat you. And YES this is mistreatment.

 

Give him the space he wants. And more. Don't you ever go back to him. he's caused you to not only put up with disrespect, but has you no longer respecting yourself. You need to DEMAND excellence from your partner and nothing less. What are you worth? Decide that for yourself, and make the appropriate demands.

[ExpatInItaly]

But I invested 3 years into this relationship. He said he still has feelings for me and will always love me, but needs time apart. I'm hopeful that giving him the space he requested will display my respect for him and that maybe he will maybe miss me. Everyone keeps telling me to be absent and let him contact me.

 

Honestly, and this will sound harsh, it doesn't matter how much someone invested if the other person is no longer in love and wants out of the relationship. I say this as someone who has been in his shoes - I told an ex the same things, but the truth was that I'd checked out long before I actually broke it off. I just didn't have the guts to end it right away. I cried and was upset too when I broke it off, because I was also losing a great friend and didn't want to hurt him.

 

My advice is not to contact him again for a little while. If he were truly worried you were ignoring him, he'd contact you. Trust me on this. He's not contacting you because he's not sure if it's right any more and needs time and space. He'll reach out if wants to - and he may yet do so. Just don't pin your hopes on his declaration that you'll work things out. I admit I said the same things to an ex to avoid hurting him but I realize now the truth would've been better.

[Belizean]

Thank you. I know it's a small detail, but should I text him to wish him a happy new year? I was thinking of sending "happy new year. Hope you're having fun" half an hour after midnight

[Sand Man Dan]

Thank you. I know it's a small detail, but should I text him to wish him a happy new year? I was thinking of sending "happy new year. Hope you're having fun" half an hour after midnight

 

NO!

 

You are still seeking his approval and acceptance! Don't you see that?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you. I know it's a small detail, but should I text him to wish him a happy new year? I was thinking of sending "happy new year. Hope you're having fun" half an hour after midnight

 

No. You will feel worse if you get only a lukewarm reply, or no reply at all. You'll go crazy wondering what he's up to when he doesn't respond right away. Do not text him.

[ponchsox]

Break = I want to sleep with other women and when I get lonely or strikeout I may come back to you.

[Sand Man Dan]

Break = I want to sleep with other women and when I get lonely or strikeout I may come back to you.

 

Indeed it does

[Eau Claire]

Your opening paragraph shows your denial. School work is demanding so it left you both depressed? How so?

 

Being busy doesn't make healthy people depressed. Obviously things were declining for a while and you choose to attribute it to some variable other than addressing the reality.

 

It is a classic case of being surprised or shocked when the other person decides to break things off, when in reality, it shouldn't be at all that bewildering.

 

You are both young. He needs space. He needs other experiences. You do also but your emotions are getting in the way of understanding this. Time to start a new chapter in life.

[TaraMaiden]

Darn it.....

 

I'm going to have to update the 'No Contact' guide in my signature, sooner or later. And when I do, guys, remind me to add the bit about 'There's no such thing as a "break" because it's just a coward's way of saying break-UP.'

 

Belizean do yourself a favour:

 

"get it".

 

It's over, and frankly, there's little or no chance of this being temporary.

Walk away from this with your dignity intact, and never entertain any Contact from him again.

 

Oh, and read the guide in my signature.

 

Even before I update it....

[BC1980]

But I invested 3 years into this relationship. He said he still has feelings for me and will always love me, but needs time apart. I'm hopeful that giving him the space he requested will display my respect for him and that maybe he will maybe miss me. Everyone keeps telling me to be absent and let him contact me.

 

Your investment didn't pay off, and the returns are diminishing more as we speak. I too spent 3 years with a man and wanted to justify the investment. So I hung around while he said he "needed time." It's a gamble that didn't pay off. You have to know when to fold because it takes two to make a relationship. One person can't carry two.

 

It's a terribly bitter pill to swallow but the sooner the better. I had to ask myself why I thought I was worth so little that I hung around when he told me to date other people. Because it really boils down to self esteem. If you are willing to put your life on hold for a shoddy investment, there's something wrong with that picture. Invest in yourself because that will always pay off. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you because I truly understand.

Edited December 29, 2013 by BC1980

[Sand Man Dan]

The last 3 posts 100% sum it up. Good ****