Pushing Forward Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I've been reading for a while and now need to post in here. I'm a MOW to a MOM. We've been in an EMA for a long time. He has a STBX and they aren't living together anymore. I am still with my H. We had stopped most of our PA last year in June but started again this spring. Over the last year he got somewhat involved with someone who has since turned out to be quite unstable. He broke up with her four months ago but she has still been trying to get him back. This has been the only thing we fight about in our relationship. I understand he's lonely and wants someone to do stuff with and he has been turning her down but she's trying to ease her way back in. We get along fine as long as I don't ask what's going on with her. Once I do things go south quickly because I get upset that she's contacting him and can just drop by and see him, when of course I can't do that. We had a discussion yesterday and he said he needs a new start alone. He knows its wrong and I should be concentrating on my M and not him. He thinks the only way to do that is to go NC. All along we've said we would stay friends no matter what but now it seems that's not the plan. I told him he couldn't break up with me over the phone and we needed to meet. That may happen later today. I can't stop thinking of him and wanting to talk to him. This was not a casual thing. We've been each other's best friends for years. We talk and text all the time and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest! I constantly check my phone to see if he's called or texted. I always wonder what he's doing. We call each other all the time to share news, both good and bad. I don't know how to do this. We've never gone more than 9 days without talking in the 8 years we've known each other. I know I'm skipping many important points that I can't think of right now but I had to get this out. I've been lurking here for the last year since I knew he might be wanting to move on. I just can't imagine not talking to him and we've always said that to each other. "I don't want to not talk to you". He said he can't see it working any other way because we're in love and can't split that (the friend part I guess). Is there any way to really remain just friends?
GG3 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) It sounds like you are way more into this man than your husband emotionally. Why haven't you left your husband to be with this man instead? What is STBX? Edited December 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
SweetandHappy Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 There is no way to just remain friends in this situation. He has left and is starting a new life. If you do not want to leave your husband and be with him, then leave him alone. I am sure it is too painful. You need to make a choice. He has made his.
happy stillmore Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) Honestly, you have to get real with yourself. No more lies. Live an authentic life. Ask yourself, who is it that you truly want in your life? Who is it that you see yourself growing old with? Who makes your heart happy? The answer lies with what your heart tells you. If you find, the answer is not with the OM, let him go. It is not fair to string him along. You are lying to him and holding him back from meeting someone who can love him freely. If you love someone, then you would not keep them finding happiness. You can't be friends with OM if you are going to choose to stay with your husband. You have to commit 100% to the marriage. If in contact with IN, you are not being honest with your husband. If you find you do not live your husband as you should, you need to divorce asap. Same goes with him. You are hurting husband's chance at happiness by keeping him in a fake marriage. Be courageous and do the right thing. You will feel a weight lifted off of you if you get real. Edited December 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Pushing Forward Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 STBX = Soon to be ex wife
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 he said he needs a new start alone. He knows its wrong and I should be concentrating on my M and not him. He thinks the only way to do that is to go NC. He's right. NC is the only way to go and no, you two can't be friends. All that does is keep the affair an emotional one and keeps your feelings growing for him. He wants a clean start, a fresh clean slate to start over with someone else, or at least date and get to know other women. If you genuinely love and care for him, want the best for him, let him go. He isn't yours, you have a husband and are married so really, you're in no position to hang onto him since it seems you're not willing to divorce your husband and start a new relationship (a healthy one) with him. 1
GG3 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 This has been the only thing we fight about in our relationship. I understand he's lonely and wants someone to do stuff with and he has been turning her down but she's trying to ease her way back in. We get along fine as long as I don't ask what's going on with her. Once I do things go south quickly because I get upset that she's contacting him and can just drop by and see him, when of course I can't do that. This is the part that is really unfair for him. You never have to feel alone or lonely. You are always either with your husband or with him. When's he's not with you, he's ALONE. I just think you need to make a choice. Either leave your husband and be with this man fully accepting the consequences that it may not work out, or go NC and commit yourself to your M. 2
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I've been reading for a while and now need to post in here. I'm a MOW to a MOM. We've been in an EMA for a long time. He has a STBX and they aren't living together anymore. I am still with my H. We had stopped most of our PA last year in June but started again this spring. Over the last year he got somewhat involved with someone who has since turned out to be quite unstable. He broke up with her four months ago but she has still been trying to get him back. This has been the only thing we fight about in our relationship. I understand he's lonely and wants someone to do stuff with and he has been turning her down but she's trying to ease her way back in. We get along fine as long as I don't ask what's going on with her. Once I do things go south quickly because I get upset that she's contacting him and can just drop by and see him, when of course I can't do that. We had a discussion yesterday and he said he needs a new start alone. He knows its wrong and I should be concentrating on my M and not him. He thinks the only way to do that is to go NC. All along we've said we would stay friends no matter what but now it seems that's not the plan. I told him he couldn't break up with me over the phone and we needed to meet. That may happen later today. I can't stop thinking of him and wanting to talk to him. This was not a casual thing. We've been each other's best friends for years. We talk and text all the time and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest! I constantly check my phone to see if he's called or texted. I always wonder what he's doing. We call each other all the time to share news, both good and bad. I don't know how to do this. We've never gone more than 9 days without talking in the 8 years we've known each other. I know I'm skipping many important points that I can't think of right now but I had to get this out. I've been lurking here for the last year since I knew he might be wanting to move on. I just can't imagine not talking to him and we've always said that to each other. "I don't want to not talk to you". He said he can't see it working any other way because we're in love and can't split that (the friend part I guess). Is there any way to really remain just friends? Isn't this the story of many of our relationships, starting in grade school? We pledge our undying love, until we don't feel like it anymore? Then everything we said before somehow no longer counts?
dubliner Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 I applaud your AP for voicing his needs and really you should be respecting them rather than figuring out ways to trap him into never ending emotional self harm. What was the agreement of your relationship? Did you plan to be together at some time in the future or was it an affair only don't get involved arrangement? You are obviously having problems with his new found single status, that he is free to date, do you expect him to remain patiently waiting for you when you can fit him in around your H and M? Is this the agreement? It sounds as though he has tired of the breadcrumbs and wants a true relationship. Do you feel he deserves a real honest relationship? If he is to achieve this with someone new he needs to go Nc with you, no question.
Author Pushing Forward Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 Thank you all very much. I agree with everything here. I know this is the best thing to do, but I just don't know how. How do I get through this? I can't talk to anyone about my feelings and no one can know why I'm upset.
GG3 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Thank you all very much. I agree with everything here. I know this is the best thing to do, but I just don't know how. How do I get through this? I can't talk to anyone about my feelings and no one can know why I'm upset. Can you see a therapist? In times when i needed support and felt like i couldn't share it with those around me i have used forums like these and a therapist.
Author Pushing Forward Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 He just texted saying "sorry, I've been cleaning I won't be getting out until 6". I responded with "what is the plan, we get together another day and limited contact till then?" He said "I still would like to talk to you. The meeting can come whenever we can both get together"
Author Pushing Forward Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 I'm considering it. I think it would be a good thing for me. Can you see a therapist? In times when i needed support and felt like i couldn't share it with those around me i have used forums like these and a therapist.
GG3 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Out of curiosity, what is missing from your marriage? Are you unhappy? How long have you been married? Were you married young?
Author Pushing Forward Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 honestly, I think there are several things going on.. my H drinks more than he should and has been telling me he'll stop. he did got a while and started again. he's also a very negative person and everything is a huge catastrophe to him..now, he has tried a lot in some ways to change but we've been thru a lot in the last several years and it's been difficult.. I was married in my mid 20s and have been married 17 years. Out of curiosity, what is missing from your marriage? Are you unhappy? How long have you been married? Were you married young?
vanellope Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 may I ask why you don't divorce with your husband and have future with the OM? if his leaving make you so pain.
Scott Thomas Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Who's more important, the OM or your husband? If you're not the OM's first priority, why stick with him?
Author Pushing Forward Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Back for round two of NC..of course the NC from December never happened and we've continued to see each other since then in every way we were before. It came to a head this week and we had a face to face discussion yesterday about ending it. I forced the issue b/c he had been planning and canceling on me several times over the last month and I just couldn't do it anymore. I told him I needed to know what he wanted to do and I wasn't waiting any longer. He didn't want to talk but we did. He's a very non-confrontational person and didn't want to do it. We discussed how he's been feeling lonely as he sees no one but me and even though he still has a grown child at home he knows he'll be alone eventually and he doesn't want that. He knows we aren't going anywhere with our relationship and just doesn't feel right about it anymore. It's amazing when we're together as it's always been, but getting to that point is difficult b/c he second guesses actually being together so most times it gets canceled for one reason or another. He said he wants to stay in touch with me but if it's not what I want then he'll abide by that begrudgingly but he won't fight me on it. I don't want this to end and I don't want to not talk to him, but I know that is probably the best way. We talked and texted practically every day for years and now we go to what? He said we could just see how it goes and if it's just too hard we'll stop talking. He used to text every morning and every night (GM, XOXO, Nite Baby XOXO).. This morning I got "GM, How are you?".. My answer "crappy".. He says "Sorry, didn't sleep well".. My answer "me either..not sure how long this feeling will last and don't know how to deal with it.".. I know he doesn't even want to talk about this all but I feel it's the only way through it for me. I have no one else to talk to unless I see a therapist and I'm not sure how I go about that when my family will wonder why. I feel numb and broken many moments and others I'm okay and know that I'll be ok. I just can't imagine life without him. If I'm busy with work and stuff I can manage to keep the pain at bay..If I'm alone or have nothing to do I just feel horrible.
Ruffian1 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I just can't imagine life without him. Then you have two choices. 1. Divorce your H. go be with Om full-time. 2. Continue the A. 2
Author Pushing Forward Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 [ QUOTE=Ruffian1;5730990]I just can't imagine life without him. Then you have two choices. 1. Divorce your H. go be with Om full-time. 2. Continue the A. since OM wants to end it I don't think those are my choices.. What good advice do others have for moving on and getting past this?
Ruffian1 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Then you need to go no contact with him. And him -same thing. And stick to it. Yes, it will be hard, very hard, but as your name says, you just have to push through it and have no contact whatsoever anymore.
herself Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I had a friend of 13 years, it was an EA. We were both married, no plans to leave for each other. We also talked every day via email, text or phone. We were as close as two could be. Best friends if you will. Around Thanksgiving guilt set in on his behalf (though I suspected his feelings ran their course, boredom set it, mystery was gone) But either way he was done and overnight turned ice cold. How I got Through is my husband always knew of our close friendship. I told him the friendship broke up and told him how it bRoke my heart and that I needed to heal. I cried every day for a month or more, sharing with my husband what I could or closing the door to take a long bath and cry. I went NC fully and deleted and blocked him from calls, emails, text, even deleted my email account. Got rid of all music on my phone and car that reminded me, changed my routine. I did a full life overhaul. It worked and I began to heal slowly. You can't get around recovering. You have to get through recovering. Go through it. Link your husband in as much as you can. The grass is greener where you water it. It brought us closer in our marriage ad after 4 months my friend reached back out and we are LC friends. Not everyone could or should be friends though but my A was emotional not physical and we were friends first and for 13 years that's why it might be slightly different. You CAN do NC and change your life. You will smile again. Some days I pretended he was dead. Whatever works. 1
Author Pushing Forward Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 I had a friend of 13 years, it was an EA. We You will smile again. Some days I pretended he was dead. Whatever works.[/quote So, yours was not physical at all? if not, I guess this is different, but the emotional aspect is close I'm sure. thank you for your thoughts and I'm glad you recovered through. I can't talk to my H about this. He knows I talk to the OM but that's it. And now you talk to your XMM? I think in order for me to recover I would have to do it just as you described. My OM has said that he still feels the same and is still in love with me but the desire to be with me is tainted with feelings of guilt. When we are together it's as amazing as it has always been, but he feels bad and has "cold feet" leading up to meeting so the last few times have been canceled. We had our break up talk on Saturday but talked and texted yesterday and already today. We talked some more about his feelings and whether we should talk or not. He keeps saying it's up to me and whatever I feel is best. I don't want to break contact and still want to see him. I think he feels as long as we're not seeing each other that his guilt is lessened. I think the more we stay in contact the better chance we'll see each other again. For now we've decided to just talk I guess and if it gets too much we'll go from there. He's back to texting me good morning and good night (xoxo), and saying "baby" on the phone. That doesn't sound like we're broken up to me.
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