How many ddays?

[experiencethedevine]

Did you have? How many ddays did it actually take to make or break?

 

 

Some seem to know right away that it is non starter, while others seem to take a little longer.

 

 

What was it for all of you?

[Sadwife37]

One D Day.

My H's A ended completely on DDay. There has been NC since that day. I have had contact with the OW several times, but her and H have had no contact. I would never allow myself to even contemplate staying if he strays again. I believe D Day was his absolute rock bottom and he knows we wouldn't survive another betrayal. One is it for us. He is done with affairs.

[experiencethedevine]

One D Day.

My H's A ended completely on DDay. There has been NC since that day. I have had contact with the OW several times, but her and H have had no contact. I would never allow myself to even contemplate staying if he strays again. I believe D Day was his absolute rock bottom and he knows we wouldn't survive another betrayal. One is it for us. He is done with affairs.

 

 

 

 

That must be enormously satisfying to know that you are in a position whereby you are able to see clearly what your future holds, and I am glad for you.

 

 

May I ask why so much contact with OW?

[Arieswoman]

When I caught my exH out he confessed but only gave me part of the information and said it was "some girl he met in a pub after work". I told him the affair/association must stop NOW and he then said that he didn't want it to end "because he loved her". I didn't believe that it was "just some girl from a pub" and I suspected there was more to it than met the eye. I saw a solicitor the next day and two days later he got the divorce papers asking him to move out as I was instigating divorce proceedings against him. He was horrified when he read them, said they were "nasty" ( ! ) and rushed out of the house, no doubt to see her.

When he came back he said he had told her that he didn't want to see her any more and that it was over. I told him I still wanted him out, as I couldn't stand the sight of him and that I didn't believe that he could ditch someone he loved so easily.

 

I moved into the spare room and ignored him. If he tried to speak to me I said " I'm not interested, tell it to your girlfriend".

 

A month later he moved out.

 

What I didn't know was that the OW had a boyfriend who didn't know about all this.

 

About another month later he came back on the pretext of collecting his mail and said he wanted to talk. I said that if he wanted to attempt to repair things then I needed to know the whole truth. By this time I had had the credit card statement that showed he had taken her to hotels and billed it to my Barclaycard. I had given this information to the solicitor but kept a copy.

 

He told me another pack of lies downplaying the affair and then I presented him with copies of the credit card statement. He went pale. I asked for her name and address and he refused to give those to me. I said that I would have no choice but to take legal advice about this unauthorised use of my card. He gave me all the information I wanted and also confessed to bringing her to the house while I was out at work.

 

I realised at this point that I couldn't believe a word he said, and that this ran pretty deep if he was having w/ends away with her and showed him out. After this we only had contact via the solicitor.

 

I found out much later that the OW had dumped him, hence the visit to try and get back with me. Then apparently her boyfriend found out about a month later and dumped her and she went running back to my exH.

 

So my instincts were right and I did the right thing by staying out of the mess he had created

 

About 4 months later I got my divorce.

[jnel921]

I don't think any of us ever marry and think that we would have to deal with a D-day of any kind.

 

Infidelity happening one time should be the break or make situation. If there are multiple d-days then there is clearly no respect for the BS.

 

What BS would want to subject themselves to that and why would the WS subject their BS to that?

 

I think that as a BS you need to find the strength to leave someone like that immediately and spare yourself and your children if any from further hurt. It is not worth it. Always hold yourself in the higher regard.

[whatatangledweb]

One d-day and the affair was done the minute he knew that I knew. He had been trying to end it and with me finding out , her threats could no longer work. I wonder if there are more d-days when the affair is at it's high point...

[TheBladeRunner]

DDay #1. In February 2012 I get "I have a crush on a guy at work" and "I can't believe it's so easy to have feelings for someone else". At this point I'm 50% done, although we did agree to "work on things".

 

DDay #2. In August of the same year I discover an EA and it turns PA. I move out and check out another 40%.

 

DDay #3. At this point it is the holidays and we talk of R, taking that stroll down memory lane....stupid! I am looking through Facebook and her ex loser/abuser BF from years ago has comments about my daughter. I check phone records and discover she has been talking with him daily long before the discovery of the second affair. At this point I "fold my cards" and punch out completely 100%.

[experiencethedevine]

One d-day and the affair was done the minute he knew that I knew. He had been trying to end it and with me finding out , her threats could no longer work. I wonder if there are more d-days when the affair is at it's high point...

 

 

 

My situation was likewise many moons ago tangled.

 

 

On dday, I simply gave my husband the choice. His wife or the other woman. He chose his wife, with these words; 'There is no contest. I choose you.' He too had been threatened, even blackmailed for quite some time so when the proverbial really hit the fan, he was enormously relieved to have found an exit to the whole sordid saga.

 

 

How pitiful it all was. How pathetic HE was back then.

 

 

May I ask what you mean when you wonder if there are more ddays when the affair is at it's peak?

[experiencethedevine]

When I told BS about us after I was thoroughly sick of his toing and froing,, she told me he had said he was trying to end it.... ??? Of course he had been trying to end it for over 5 years, actually we both had been trying to end it. That is what happens when you get in top deep. We always tried ...):

 

 

 

 

 

I can understand this if you as the other woman had been consistently told that he was going to leave his wife (eventually) for you, or whatever other silliness the errant husband has intimated to you, and usually the revelation from the other woman to the betrayed wife of the affair is usually sufficient to end it.

 

 

I suspect though, this is a last resort as the knowledge that once it is revealed it is likely to end the affair is what the other woman wants least to occur.

[whatatangledweb]

My situation was likewise many moons ago tangled.

 

 

On dday, I simply gave my husband the choice. His wife or the other woman. He chose his wife, with these words; 'There is no contest. I choose you.' He too had been threatened, even blackmailed for quite some time so when the proverbial really hit the fan, he was enormously relieved to have found an exit to the whole sordid saga.

 

 

How pitiful it all was. How pathetic HE was back then.

 

 

May I ask what you mean when you wonder if there are more ddays when the affair is at it's peak?

Hi, I mean when all the excitement and the thrill of it is still going on. They were cake eating and enjoying it. Does that cause more d-days? They don't want it to end yet. Your husband and mine were over it. It was no longer an escape but a burden for them so only one d-day.

[experiencethedevine]

Hi, I mean when all the excitement and the thrill of it is still going on. They were cake eating and enjoying it. Does that cause more d-days? They don't want it to end yet. Your husband and mine were over it. It was no longer an escape but a burden for them so only one d-day.

 

 

 

Thankyou for clarifying tangled.

 

 

I have discovered over the years that some do have many ddays before the dust finally settles and indicates the direction the marriage is going to take.

 

 

Mostly if the affair has been discovered as you allude to, at the height of it's activity. It appears to take longer to come out of the dizzy heights of it if it has been blown up at a time when both parties are embedded and committed to secrecy.

 

 

However, it appears that a considerable amount of ddays arrive at a point in the affair where complacency and disillusionment from either side of the affair begins to pierce those dizzy heights.

 

 

Either the other woman/man is tired of the doggy bag or the married man/woman is tired of the falseness of their other existence.

[waterwoman]

One.

 

I couldn't have put up with it again.

 

Pre d-day he had told me all about these absurd rumours flying about at work - about him and T. This was the second time he had mentioned something like this. And that meant a little alarm went off ... took me 2 days to pluck up the courage to break the habits of a lifetime and check his phone. Hundreds of texts. I knew no better than to confront him there and then so I did, he apologised and minimised. Next morning he was talking about leaving. He changed his mind, came home from work. Next evening we had a long walk and he told me everything. I couldn't do that again. He knows I couldn't. If anything remotely similar happens our marriage is over, no ifs no buts. Hard the first time, I impossible the second.

[katielee]

two - and the 2nd one nearly destroyed me. I think we would be well on our way to recovery if there was just one - I have compassion and empathy for how he got in that position. But he saw what that one did to me and then did it again - only a cruel monster would do that. I am having so much trouble reconciling the fact that I am married to someone who would do this a 2nd time.

The hardest part - forgiving myself for staying.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

For me and my XMOM two ddays - the second one pretty much DID destroy me and I was the OW - first one his BS discovered an email that pretty much told her what was going on - she didn't want anyone to know (not even my husband) but it was a horrible time with just the three of us knowing. She wasn't thinking clearly - we continued to go to dinner together as couples, went to church together, performed together, etc. We did keep it platonic for awhile and then we were back in it again.

 

 

Second dday - my husband discovered it. It blew wide open, pastors got involved, read out names before the church, it became a public scandal - recovery very difficult after that - still not completely healed.

 

 

Then my husband had an affair - only one dday - I told him she had to leave the office. After what I experienced publicly, I wanted to handle things differently, so I allowed to leave over a period of weeks citing she wanted to go back to school to finish her degree and because of caring for an elderly parent at home. I let her leave quietly, but was firm about her doing so.

[CantgetoveritNY]

One d-day and the affair was done the minute he knew that I knew. He had been trying to end it and with me finding out , her threats could no longer work. I wonder if there are more d-days when the affair is at it's high point...

 

Similar for me. After Dday I saw evidence of WW trying to end it repeatedly. OM would beg, plead, cry. He sent her picture of himself crying. She said she was always bothered by that behavior, turned off by it. But felt sorry for him. Was worried he would off himself. Felt obligated to let him down easy and then would get sucked back into it.

[Sadwife37]

Sorry for the delay in responding Experiencethedevine.

 

I really haven't had that much contact with his OW. I did not know her before the A and still haven't met her. On DDay I sent her a super nasty email. About 1 month after I sent her an email telling her we were trying to save our marriage and telling her to stay away from my family. Still fairly nasty really. She did not respond to either message. I didn't ask her to respond. Maybe 3 months past DDay I sent her a very calm email asking if she was still seeing my H. We were trying to R but I wad afraid he may still by lying to me and cheating. I told her if they loved each other and wanted to be together Me and my kids would be fine and we could work it out civilly. I just wanted the truth and thought I deserved that. She responded and told me it wax 100% over and would stay that way. The last contact was the day I found out and the A was the biggest regret of her life and she apologized for my pain. This past July - 18 months past DDay the OW sent me a friend request on Facebook. It was totally out of the blue. 15 months since I had any contact with her and 18 months into R. I sort of freaked out. I sent her an email questioning why. Asking if she wanted me to see her "pretty face". If she was trying to rub my nose in it. Asking if she was reminding me that she was still around. Saying if she has something to say just say it. She very quickly responded with a lengthy apology. She said she was looking at my Facebook page and must have hit the friend request in error. She apologized for snooping on my page. She said she was wrong to do that and it was just curiosity. Said she would never look at my info again and said she has had nothing to do with my H. It really was a bad situation and brought bad feelings back again. I wad sure she was trying to send me a message. But since then there has been no contact and hopefully we won't have any more.

[MissBee]

I don't think any of us ever marry and think that we would have to deal with a D-day of any kind.

 

Infidelity happening one time should be the break or make situation. If there are multiple d-days then there is clearly no respect for the BS.

 

What BS would want to subject themselves to that and why would the WS subject their BS to that?

 

I think that as a BS you need to find the strength to leave someone like that immediately and spare yourself and your children if any from further hurt. It is not worth it. Always hold yourself in the higher regard.

 

I agree.

 

My mom has gone through multiple ddays over several years and I honestly lost respect for her in terms of that and just cannot understand how you can allow it. At the point of 3, 4 ,5, 6 plus ddays, you have now become complicit in this and have tacitly accepted this as your normal.

 

I have not been a BS and hope never to be. But, if I forgave cheating and reconciled, one dday is all. If I find out things didn't end or later on you are cheating anew, I'm done.

[experiencethedevine]

Thankyou for your reply.

 

 

I would be inclined to agree with you, that she wanted to send a message to you, either trying to redress the balance with you in her eyes, or perhaps out of guilt? Either way it is a conundrum.

 

 

The other woman in our situation still attempts silly little interferences in our lives periodically. Usually when she has managed to 'spy' on one of our children's facebook pages to see what's going on. (My husband has never had a facebook page and mine is only used periodically).

 

 

We generally laugh it off or allow the legal channels to deal with it.

[ladydesigner]

I've had 2 Ddays and 4 broken NC's with WH.

 

I confessed my own A to my WH on his 2nd Dday.

[Snowflower]

two - and the 2nd one nearly destroyed me. I think we would be well on our way to recovery if there was just one - I have compassion and empathy for how he got in that position. But he saw what that one did to me and then did it again - only a cruel monster would do that. I am having so much trouble reconciling the fact that I am married to someone who would do this a 2nd time.

The hardest part - forgiving myself for staying.

 

Was the 2nd d-day with the same OW or a different one? And yes, it takes a very selfish man to do that to his wife twice. ((hugs)) Please don't be so hard on yourself.

[tiredofitall2]

I've had 2 Ddays and 4 broken NC's with WH.

 

I confessed my own A to my WH on his 2nd Dday.

 

How did he take the news of your A? Did it fix him straight?

[katielee]

Was the 2nd d-day with the same OW or a different one? And yes, it takes a very selfish man to do that to his wife twice. ((hugs)) Please don't be so hard on yourself.

 

different one. I hired a PI and caught him on top of her. just really bad.

[WasOtherWoman]

As a BS many years ago, one D-day was enough. I didn't wait around to see if there would be a second (although I understand and fully support that many do work through this).

 

As an OW, no D-day. But, HAD there been a day D and he did not take the opportunity to leave, there surely would not have been a second one, as I would have been long gone.

[experiencethedevine]

I had another kind of dday 3 years after the affair was over when I discovered my husband's borderline addiction to porn/sex/chat sites online had continued in spite of my request to cease this vile activity (it became increasingly VERY disturbing).

 

 

I packed every single thing he owned and delivered it to his place of work. I was kind enough to call and let him know. He was in Singapore.

 

 

He was home within 24 hours.

[Speakingofwhich]

Experienced, what you have posted for your location is clever! Smiling here!