A question about "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

[Kevin_D]

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is a comment every dumpee seems to hear. This usually means that the attraction is gone. Now, if you lose attraction after 1-2 years togethers, that's obviously not a good thing. But doesn't attraction always fade eventually?

 

My ex is incredibly hot, but yet, after maybe 5 years, other girls suddenly seemed very appealing. However, if realised that I've I had been together with one of them instead, I would still be looking at other girls. The problem could be easily solved by some role-playing. New clothes, new make-up, pretending to be a hooker, a virgin, a student, whatever.

 

My conclusion is:

 

- No matter how good-looking/confident the person you're dating is, attraction will eventually fade

- Attraction can often be rebuilt quite easily

 

So, when people (mostly women it seems) suddenly run off with a new partner, and their only explanation is "I'm not in love with you", do they really believe that things will be different just because they enter a new relationship?

 

I remember having a discussion with my girlfriend a few months ago. Our sex life wasn't that great and I asked her to tell me about her fantasies. I wouldn't be upset if they involved gangbangs, I just wanted to know what turned her on the most at the moment, so that we could work on getting the spark back. But she refused to discuss this. I instantly knew that this was a bad sign.

 

But why didn't she just say something like:

 

- I want you to act more confident

- I want you buy new underwear

- I want you to pretend that you're a 60-year old businessman from Chicago

 

I'm not stupid, I know that most girls don't want to be in charge, so of course I wouldn't have done exactly as she told me. But I'm no mind reader. Earlier she enjoyed being treated as a total slut, but it felt wrong doing this at the times when she seemed depressed. I really didn't know what to do. Should I leave her alone or still try to be in charge?

 

Anyway, back to the question. Do people really believe that a relationship "isn't meant to be" just because the spark disappears after 5-10 years?

[2fargone]

No, people don't really believe that. They justify their breakup with it.

Whatever happens after that is usually more reason than the reason given.

[True Gent]

My ex fiancée has recently left me after 9 years together.

 

She told me she still loves me, but isn't in love with me. She felt no spark for me anymore. She lined a new guy up before leaving me and now she's dating him.

 

I don't know if women just get too comfortable and feel like they need 'new and exciting' even if that won't last and they eventually realise what they've thrown away.

 

After 9 years together I don't recognise my exes persona now, in a matter of weeks she's like a different person. After 9 years I was still totally nuts over her. I'm the same person I was when we met, but she just doesn't feel it anymore.

 

Her new guy is full of all of the lines and BS that I never was. Looks wise he's a similar type to me, but a downgrade in my opinion.I guess I'm rambling here... But I think women just get bored and think the grass is greener.

[Survivor12]

You've got it backwards...waning physical attraction doesn't cause someone to fall out of love...but falling out of love does affect attraction. When someone is in love, physical attraction is sustained by emotion not appearance.

 

On the other hand, infatuation is fueled by physical attraction, and when it fades so does the infatuation.

[True Gent]

I've wondered this myself because in another 5 years when the sexual attraction fades with her new man she is going to be ready to leave him as well. I don't think all women are like this -- only the ones who connect emotionally through sex.

 

My ex had issues where she wanted to be treated like a slut in sex as well. Spanking, pulling hair, etc. but to the extreme. She was also raped repeatedly as a child and I think a lot of this spins back to that trauma.

 

Eventually she left me because she "love me/ isn't in love with me" but the truth is she comes from a family where divorce is normal and maybe even expected. I look at it as a gift from God that she dumped me some days and I didn't have children/marry her before the hammer fell.

 

I tend to feel bad for rape victims and it's hard for me to **** you like a slut when that's in the back of my mind. Yet that's the only way they can connect emotionally is through sex like a Chinese Riddle.

 

Mature, non-whore, women connect through conversation and regular emotions of a relationship. I imagine those types of relationships, based on more than sex, are the ones that don't get this stupid break-up line a few years down the road.

 

Interesting point you're making here...

 

In my case though we were very emotionally involved, we were best friends. Sex in our relationship was almost non existent a lot of the time because she had no interest in it. We went to therapy because of it, yet there she is now screwing a new guy?

[Kevin_D]

No, people don't really believe that. They justify their breakup with it.

Whatever happens after that is usually more reason than the reason given.

 

In some cases, yes. But there many are cases when there are no big problems with the relationship (G.I.G.S and the 7-year itch).

 

9 Relationship Stages That All Couples Go Through - Lovepanky

 

I don't know, but many woman (and possibly men) seem to think that if they are more attracted to that new guy at work, it means that their partner isn't Mr. Right, because if he was, they wouldn't have felt this way.

[TaraMaiden]

As far as I'm concerned, 'attraction' is a primary impulse. After a while, in a long-term relationship, that attraction is transformed into something indescribable. it's a desire borne by closeness, intimacy, familiarity, togetherness, understnding and cohesive mutual respect.

 

It's not a question of whether my H and I are 'attracted' to one another. It's simply that we are sufficiently happy with one another to want each other, and nobody else.

[Kevin_D]

As far as I'm concerned, 'attraction' is a primary impulse. After a while, in a long-term relationship, that attraction is transformed into something indescribable. it's a desire borne by closeness, intimacy, familiarity, togetherness, understnding and cohesive mutual respect.

 

It's not a question of whether my H and I are 'attracted' to one another. It's simply that we are sufficiently happy with one another to want each other, and nobody else.

 

Exactly. But whether or not you believe in GIGS and the 7-year itch, there seem to be too many stories like this to be a coincidence.

 

Let's say my girlfriend wants to cuddle and watch a movie together a friday night. She's perfectly happy. Then the new cool guy at the office text her and ask her if she's going to the concert. This makes her think. Instead of enjoying the movie with the guy she loves, she feels as she's missing something. And she blames me for it.

 

My point is, if you really love someone (which most the dumpers claim they do), you need to accept that there will be times when you are attracted to others, when there's less sex, when you don't have as much fun together as you used to have... But I can't help but feel that many people look at the relationship like this:

 

"I love him, we have fun together, but it's not enough. I want more."

 

Then they find a new guy (or girl) and are head over heels for a while. They don't notice the new guy's flaws and when they do, the old relationship is often beyond repair. I guess this is pretty much an explanation of GIGS, but my question is:

 

- Why is it so hard for some people to figure this out? Why can't you be happy with what you have, instead of always craving the things you don't have?

[TaraMaiden]

You're missing a whole lot of extraneous crap out.

 

That "missing something" is the final straw, not the initial factor in the break.

 

By the time people have reached the infidelity stage, enough has gone wrong within the relationship to make them give up and look elsewhere.

Infidelity is the last resort, not the first.

 

And it takes 2 to tango.

 

While the cheater is to blame, responsibility for how the whole thing has taken a downhill turn, is the responsibility of both members.

 

Why don't YOU take her to the concert?

[LostConfused123]

I fell out of love in the middle of a seven year relationship. My ex (not the recent heartbreak) was extremely moody and had very dark moods. He wasn't abusive but I swear sometimes I couldn't even breathe right.

I was always walking on eggs around him so as not to "set him off" He was absolutely miserable to be around when he had these mood swings. I didn't dare say no to sex when he wanted it because again he was miserable to be around if he was in a mood swing.

 

It got to the point that I never even knew if I was horny or not, I just did it to please him. The thing I learned was I was just completely turned off by this and fell out of love.

I could never please him and that got old.

 

I tried a million times to talk to him about it. I told him when he makes me feel like I "have" to do it just so he's nice to me is making my feelings for him fade.

Eventually I gave up and decided to find a man that wasn't so hard to please.

[Never Again]

I'll toss this in there:

 

Usually the culprit is a total lack of effective communication.

 

Either the dumper won't speak up, or in the case of LostConfused123, the dumpee just won't listen. Usually it's a mix of the two, though I have heard of many cases where the dumpers only gave small hints or silently pouted until things hit a breaking point.

 

"I love you but I'm not IN love with you" doesn't have to be a death knell for a relationship...but it usually ends up being one because both parties didn't communicate and try before it got there...and once it got there, one side ran out of "try".

[Kevin_D]

Either the dumper won't speak up, or in the case of LostConfused123, the dumpee just won't listen. Usually it's a mix of the two, though I have heard of many cases where the dumpers only gave small hints or silently pouted until things hit a breaking point.

 

I got the the hints. There were times when she seemed really angry, and when I asked her what's wrong, she talked about that she had hoped that we would be living together at this time and stuff like that.

 

The problem was, I couldn't take this complaints seriously, because she didn't have any money. I asked her several times to get a job, but she said she wanted to study instead. But then she fell behind and became depressed over the situation.

 

If she don't want to work and can't handle her studies, is it really my responsibility to make she can move out? If she can't afford going to a concert, am I supposed to pay for her?

 

But yeah, she is beautiful so she can probably get a guy with a nice appartment and car. But it seems rather shallow to me.

[LostConfused123]

I got the the hints. There were times when she seemed really angry, and when I asked her what's wrong, she talked about that she had hoped that we would be living together at this time and stuff like that.

 

The problem was, I couldn't take this complaints seriously, because she didn't have any money. I asked her several times to get a job, but she said she wanted to study instead. But then she fell behind and became depressed over the situation.

 

If she don't want to work and can't handle her studies, is it really my responsibility to make she can move out? If she can't afford going to a concert, am I supposed to pay for her?

 

But yeah, she is beautiful so she can probably get a guy with a nice appartment and car. But it seems rather shallow to me.

It was definitely NOT your responsibility to give her money or provide her with "things" or whatever.

If she wants money or material things, she needs to work! End of story!!

 

There is no excuse for not working, even part time.

If she wants a man for "things" you dodged a bullet!

 

There is a girl out there that would have no problem whatsoever working and contributing to the relationship 50/50.

Hope you find her and best of luck!!!

 

Seriously, you don't need a woman that won't work!!

[carhill]

Do people really believe that a relationship "isn't meant to be" just because the spark disappears after 5-10 years?

 

A subset of people evidently do, since for them relationships are perpetually transitory. They define their own relationship requirements and necessary feelings and, if current experience doesn't match the program, move on.

 

As far as the title goes, one needs only to watch the actions of the person who issues such a statement to determine the veracity of the statement. A great comparison I use is to compare any woman's actions to those of my best friend, someone I've been 'involved' with for over a generation. That's what long-term 'love', non-romantic love, is all about.

 

Comparatively, so far, the words in the title phrase have been nothing more than carbon dioxide. Great information, but nothing more than that.

[pickflicker]

People give reasons in break ups because social convention dictates that we must justify ourselves in every given action.

 

The decision to break up with someone always boils down to the same thing - they've decided that they just don't want to be there anymore. That when weighed up, life without you is preferable to life with you.

[Kevin_D]

People give reasons in break ups because social convention dictates that we must justify ourselves in every given action.

 

The decision to break up with someone always boils down to the same thing - they've decided that they just don't want to be there anymore. That when weighed up, life without you is preferable to life with you.

 

I don't think it's that simple. When I was teenager, I played in band. When I got together with my ex and went to the University, I neglected the band.

 

The bass player, however, had a dream of becoming a famous musician. So he dropped out of University and decided to study music instead. He got together with a hot female singer and together the recorded a song that got played a lot on the radio.

 

There have been times when I've been thinking: "I'm unemployed. I'm more talented than him. What would have happened if I had chosen the same path?"

 

I know that in the long run, getting a Master in Engineering is probably a better choice. I know he's back at the University, studying maths now, so obviously he doesn't make very much money on his music. But I'm still a bit jealous, because the grass is greener.

 

I think some people can get so convinced that there's something better out there, that they stop appreciating what they have.

[pickflicker]

I don't think it's that simple. When I was teenager, I played in band. When I got together with my ex and went to the University, I neglected the band.

 

The bass player, however, had a dream of becoming a famous musician. So he dropped out of University and decided to study music instead. He got together with a hot female singer and together the recorded a song that got played a lot on the radio.

 

There have been times when I've been thinking: "I'm unemployed. I'm more talented than him. What would have happened if I had chosen the same path?"

 

I know that in the long run, getting a Master in Engineering is probably a better choice. I know he's back at the University, studying maths now, so obviously he doesn't make very much money on his music. But I'm still a bit jealous, because the grass is greener.

 

I think some people can get so convinced that there's something better out there, that they stop appreciating what they have.

 

I think it is. And I agree, people do get too caught up in chasing something better. But it doesn't change the fact that when someone breaks up with you, there's not a myriad of complicated reasons - at least, for the most part. They've just weighed up with or without, and chosen without.

[cooki]

Kevin D you always nail it tho the point

[Chi townD]

Here's a shocker for you. If a girl tells you I love you, but I'm not in love with you; 9 times out of 10, it usually means that there's another guy in the picture.

[Mark-one]

Just had this with my ex and found out today she was seeing someone else which has ended and now shes started texting me again! Certainly explains her behaviour now