Good? Bad? Just Is What It Is!

[LovesHangover]

The Sunday before Thanksgiving, I was choked by a male relative. I called the police because there is no way in the world I will allow anyone (don't care who it is) to put their hands on me.

 

I'm still shocked by, in my opinion, an unprovoked attack. In an effort to protect myself, my family even my mother turned on me. Asking me crazy questions like, "Why did the police have to get involved?"

 

Needless to say, I didn't spend Thanksgiving with them and really haven't spoken to many of them since the event. I have a long-term friend (We've been friends for 15 years) who says that I'm wrong for cutting family members out of my life especially my grandmother and mother. Another friend asks, "What do you need to move on?" Really! It's just been a little over a month.

 

I completely disagree with them. I am the only person who can take care of me. While I can forgive everything, I will not just put up with anything. It annoys me that everyone has something to say about what I should do. They have no idea how it feels to be attacked and for the most part have your family support the attacker.

 

While my friends and family view how I handle this situation as wrong, I think it is what it is. I'm clear now. I don't feel safe or comfortable around them, and I have to adjust to this new reality before I consider what type of relationship I will have with certain members of my family.

[turnera]

They're a bunch of nitwits if they can't support you in this, and you're better off without people who have so little regard for YOUR life and well-being.

[Tayla]

Sorry to read that you were a victim of this attack. It must have been shocking to endure. Has this relative been arrested for assault and battery? What age group is this person in? I had my nephew place a hold on me once, and he was five years old...nearly shut off my airways....and it wasn't provoked...I just had to learn to keep my elbows outward to thwart off his rough housing ways...He has since grown up a bit and knows better then to harm a lady...

 

Definitely take care of you...a self defense class that teaches self preservation is often recommended from advocacy groups...just a thought to help you feel safer in peoples company....

[LovesHangover]

Sorry to read that you were a victim of this attack. It must have been shocking to endure. Has this relative been arrested for assault and battery? What age group is this person in? I had my nephew place a hold on me once, and he was five years old...nearly shut off my airways....and it wasn't provoked...I just had to learn to keep my elbows outward to thwart off his rough housing ways...He has since grown up a bit and knows better then to harm a lady...

 

Definitely take care of you...a self defense class that teaches self preservation is often recommended from advocacy groups...just a thought to help you feel safer in peoples company....

 

My cousin is 37. He is an abuser. He has beaten every woman he was/is in a romantic relationship with. He must have me mistaken for the type of women he dates. I'm not them.

 

No, he has not been arrested. Family members actively hid him and prevented the police from entering the house to arrest him. My own grandmother asked if the officer had a search warrant and refused to let the officer enter her house.

 

I do not fear being around people. I do not trust them. I am able to defend myself, but who would want to live with such drama? I know I do not!

[LovesHangover]

They're a bunch of nitwits if they can't support you in this, and you're better off without people who have so little regard for YOUR life and well-being.

 

While I can forgive them, I am at this point in time not interested in having a relationship with them. I know that my cousin and I are both members of the family, which is why I think it would have been best for them to stay neutral.

 

Unfortunately, they chose/choose to protect him when I was the one who was attacked. He had absolutely no reason to touch me. I did nothing to him. He apologized to my grandmother because it happened in her house, but refused to apologize to me and even went as far as to say that he doesn't know me. Perhaps, he is mentally ill? Perhaps they all are, but I just can't pretend that I'm ok with being treated like this.

 

In my opinion, my cousin attacked me physically and my family including my mother made the situation more horrific by their actions. Wonder what they would have done if he had killed me? They probably would have buried my body in the backyard and lied about what happened to me.

[CC12]

Do you have any theories on why the family chose to protect him?

 

Did they think you deserved to be choked? Was the choking "not that bad"? Are they just so used to physical violence that it didn't seem like a big deal? What's the story there?

[turnera]

My cousin is 37. He is an abuser. He has beaten every woman he was/is in a romantic relationship with. He must have me mistaken for the type of women he dates. I'm not them.

 

No, he has not been arrested. Family members actively hid him and prevented the police from entering the house to arrest him. My own grandmother asked if the officer had a search warrant and refused to let the officer enter her house.

 

I do not fear being around people. I do not trust them. I am able to defend myself, but who would want to live with such drama? I know I do not!

Loves, that doesn't make sense. Are you in the US? If they have cause to arrest him, they're going to arrest him.

[LovesHangover]

Do you have any theories on why the family chose to protect him?

 

Did they think you deserved to be choked? Was the choking "not that bad"? Are they just so used to physical violence that it didn't seem like a big deal? What's the story there?

 

My family doesn't deal with anything and believe that you should accept anything and protect family. On Christmas Day a couple of years ago, another cousin was beating his girlfriend in the back room. I was ready to call the police when I was told not to. Their solution was to break up the fight and let her to leave without calling the cops. It is unfortunate that there are children who witnessed all or a portion of this. We found out because their daughter began to scream and we went to check on her. After this, my family resumed the holiday festivities as if nothing happened.

 

I had some issues for a long time about how I have been treated by certain family members and was vocal about them:

A cousin had stole things from me and I warned her that I would call the police if she did it again.

[LovesHangover]

Loves, that doesn't make sense. Are you in the US? If they have cause to arrest him, they're going to arrest him.

 

Yes, I am in the United States. The officer informed me at the time that an arrest warrant has been issued, but he couldn't enter the house without the homeowner's permission.

 

I was shocked as well, but that is how it happened. I still have the paper the officer gave me with the charges on it, yet there still hasn't been an arrest.

[turnera]

Yes, I am in the United States. The officer informed me at the time that an arrest warrant has been issued, but he couldn't enter the house without the homeowner's permission.

 

I was shocked as well, but that is how it happened. I still have the paper the officer gave me with the charges on it, yet there still hasn't been an arrest.

Well, he has to leave that house sometime...

[LovesHangover]

Do you have any theories on why the family chose to protect him?

 

Did they think you deserved to be choked? Was the choking "not that bad"? Are they just so used to physical violence that it didn't seem like a big deal? What's the story there?

 

Also, another cousin owes me money for a cell phone bill yet she refuses to pay. Honestly, I can provide many more stories, but I'd rather not. I just shared those to indicate that my family and I don't operate with the same logic or values. I feel as though they want me to be fully accepting of their behavior. I will not. I am generally a helpful person who would do anything to assist if I can, but I have boundaries that they seem to lack or they think that I'm Boo Boo the Fool.

 

I just don't believe that you should treat anyone the way they treat me. I will no longer accept being treated that way. I am so upset that I received the same treatment as my cousin's ex-girlfriend. I was expected to go away quietly and act as if nothing happened. My grandmother didn't want me to call the police. She stated that she would send him to his mother in another state. OMG! Who are these people?!

 

Anyways, my family and I attend the same church and our pastor's son transitioned. At the funeral services, my mother hugs me as she is crying and says that she love me and my grandmother grabs my hands, tells me that she loves me and would like us to talk. I can call her on her cell phone. She has a house phone, but my cousin who chocked me lives with her may answer, so she wants me to call her cell phone so that she could have a secret relationship with me. LOL. I guess I am just supposed to forgive and forget so that things can go back to the way that they used to. I'm not interested in things going back to the way they used to be.

[LovesHangover]

Well, he has to leave that house sometime...

 

But I doubt the police will lie and wait for that to happen...

 

It disturbs me that my mother and grandmother acted to prevent his arrest. After this I was disturbed and looked up aiding and abetting. Apparently, the laws vary by state and are dependent upon the crime. I guess the police have better things to do. Sucks for me...

[turnera]

Have you ever seen the movie The Heat with Sandra Bullock? Your family reminds me of the family in that movie.

[LovesHangover]

Have you ever seen the movie The Heat with Sandra Bullock? Your family reminds me of the family in that movie.

 

No, I haven't had the pleasure. I'll have to check it out.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2014 will ne an awesome year!

[nescafe1982]

Families that have collectively chosen to normalize abusive behavior will go to extreme lengths to cover up any acts of violence. It's a defense mechanism gone seriously awry.... and it usually perpetuates/enables continual abusive patterns.

 

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. No, you are not being unreasonable to stay away from this violent person. And yes, you are doing the right thing by being far away from anyone who tries to say this abuse was okay.

 

I also believe you did the right thing by calling the police. Men who beat people (are you female or male, btw?) only escalate their abuse when it's left unchecked. If you put up with it this time, it will only get worse in the future.

 

Draw a firm line in the sand when it comes to your wellbeing. If others in your family aren't prepared to work in the interest of your safety (or indeed, they try to undermine you like this), they have chosen which side of that line to stand on.

 

I have been in a strikingly similar situation to yours: a family member decided to abuse me in front of the others (also on Thanksgiving, no less). Several of my family decided to condone his violence, and tried to make me feel crazy for being outraged. The relationship with that relative has ceased, and I've had to scale back some relationships with many in my family (including my parents). It sucks to do, but I feel you should never continue a relationship with someone if it descends into abuse.

 

Family is family when they act like it.

[LovesHangover]

Families that have collectively chosen to normalize abusive behavior will go to extreme lengths to cover up any acts of violence. It's a defense mechanism gone seriously awry.... and it usually perpetuates/enables continual abusive patterns.

 

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. No, you are not being unreasonable to stay away from this violent person. And yes, you are doing the right thing by being far away from anyone who tries to say this abuse was okay.

 

I also believe you did the right thing by calling the police. Men who beat people (are you female or male, btw?) only escalate their abuse when it's left unchecked. If you put up with it this time, it will only get worse in the future.

 

Draw a firm line in the sand when it comes to your wellbeing. If others in your family aren't prepared to work in the interest of your safety (or indeed, they try to undermine you like this), they have chosen which side of that line to stand on.

 

I have been in a strikingly similar situation to yours: a family member decided to abuse me in front of the others (also on Thanksgiving, no less). Several of my family decided to condone his violence, and tried to make me feel crazy for being outraged. The relationship with that relative has ceased, and I've had to scale back some relationships with many in my family (including my parents). It sucks to do, but I feel you should never continue a relationship with someone if it descends into abuse.

 

Family is family when they act like it.

 

I am a woman who is 5'2". He is a male who is 6'1". Honestly, I could have lost my life. A fact that seems to elude the people trying to rush me into re-engaging with my family. I'm sure it's purely psychological, but my neck still hurts sometimes. I feel that my family rushed to support him and by doing so they ganged up against me as well as undermined my efforts to take care of myself.

 

As I stated in my original post, it's time for me to take care of me. Whatever relationship I have with members of my family won't be based on how I've been treated by them in the past. It just doesn't work for me. It is time to redefine relationships and if ending some is necessary, so be it. I won't be rushed into making choices either. All parties involved just have to deal with the impact of personal choices/actions including me. I wouldn't be so hurt if they had just remained neutral, but none of them know how to mind their own business.

 

Family is family when they act like it. In my opinion, they never treated me like family.

[CC12]

Thanks for elaborating.

 

Your family sounds really difficult. It does seem like a good time to redefine relationships. The only advice I can give is to not burn any bridges yet. Get some time and distance away from your family before you make any permanent decisions.

 

Good luck.

[gaius]

Not saying he had a right to lay his hands on you but why am I getting the vibe there's more to this story than what you're telling us. You said in your opinion it was an unprovoked attack. What about everyone else's opinion? Did you two exchange words or something?

[nescafe1982]

Not saying he had a right to lay his hands on you but why am I getting the vibe there's more to this story than what you're telling us. You said in your opinion it was an unprovoked attack. What about everyone else's opinion? Did you two exchange words or something?

 

I get where you're coming from... but when, exactly, is it EVER okay for a grown man to put his hands around a woman's neck? "Provocation" is entirely beside the point IMO.

[LovesHangover]

Its anoying if you dont put your gender and what you did

before he choke you.

anyway it doesn't matter if you did not touch him,

He schould not put his hands on you.

 

And you did rigth to call the cops.

 

But its weird that they did not get him.

 

Some people are messy.you just need to distance from them

otherwise you will keep get in trouble with them.

 

And I see you call cops alot.

Like when one stole your stuff.

Some things you need to handle yourself.

 

Live far away from them will help you alot.

and maybe you are the one in the fmily that will make a stand

in stoping abuse and messy stuff that have been going

on for ages.

 

If you have additional questions that I didn't answer in my original post, I don't have a problem answering them. I am a woman and I was minding my own business getting ready for church before the attack. There really wasn't much to elaborate about what I was doing because I wasn't even engaging with him.

 

Furthermore, I don't call the cops a lot. I called them for the choking incident only. I issued a warning to another cousin who was stealing from me, and the warning was only issued because this person acted as if her actions weren't inappropriate or a crime and my attempt to resolve the issue with her wasn't going anywhere.

[LovesHangover]

Not saying he had a right to lay his hands on you but why am I getting the vibe there's more to this story than what you're telling us. You said in your opinion it was an unprovoked attack. What about everyone else's opinion? Did you two exchange words or something?

 

It was an unprovoked attack. I hadn't done anything to him. There really isn't much to say about anything that happened before this incident. I really don't engage with him even though we're cousins. He's rude. He doesn't respond when you speak to him. He acts as if you said nothing to him. I guess I could say that he is depressed about how his life turned out (he has 8 children by 4 different women, no job and is living with my grandmother), but that is irrelevant and has nothing to do with me. However, I guess he thought choking me would make him feel better and there are people in the world who think it's justifiable. Perhaps, he thought he was choking his recent ex-girlfriend who broke up with him because he has no job. Again, none of this is relevant to me. I'm not trying to analyze him or why he did what he did. I'm not even judging him. He just needs to keep himself and his hands away from me. I am just focusing on taking care of myself.

[LovesHangover]

I get where you're coming from... but when, exactly, is it EVER okay for a grown man to put his hands around a woman's neck? "Provocation" is entirely beside the point IMO.

 

Thanks, nescafe1982! Is is NEVER okay for a grown man to put his hands around a woman's neck. Apparently, my cousin does this often. He choked a recent ex-girlfriend of his in my grandmother's driveway and in that incident my grandmother sided with him.

 

I don't know why it's so hard to believe that I didn't provoke this attack. My cousin obviously has issues and so does my family who has a habit of protecting the men in the family while throwing women under the bus. His brothers do the same thing: abuse women. Perhaps, they are broken inside. I have things to deal with too. My life isn't perfect or where I want it to be, but going around choking people doesn't seem like a viable solution for me nor is protecting abusers the right thing to do.

 

Honestly, some of the responses I have received makes me sick. The sole purpose of the original post was to vent about the impact of this incident, how I'm dealing with it and the opinions of my friends. My choice is not to have a relationship with these people a this time. I don't wish them malice, but I'm not interested in being around them.

 

Thank you for understanding that it is never okay for a man to attack a woman or a woman to attack a man. Provocation or not. Where is the self-control? In this case, there wasn't any provocation, but I guess it would be okay with some people if I had done something to him first.

Edited January 1, 2014 by LovesHangover
Typo

[nescafe1982]

Thank you for understanding that it is never okay for a man to attack a woman or a woman to attack a man. Provocation or not. Where is the self-control? In this case, there wasn't any provocation, but I guess it would be okay with some people if I had done something to him first.

 

Right. And my concern about folks raising the issue of provocation here is that the logic behind it CLOSELY resembles that used by dysfunctional families to cover up (and thus enable) patterns of abuse.

 

Those who query whether you (the victim of the attack) did something to provoke it are assuming that abusers act rationally. They don't.

 

A rational man only hits those who give him a very good reason to. Habitual abusers hit 1) people they love or are close to them, and 2) people they perceive as weaker/smaller than themselves. They are never rational, and they tend to hurt those closest to them. They also tend to escalate in the scale of their violence... a trend typically enabled by families like the OP's. To expect rationality from an abuser is ludicrous, and it demeans the victims of their abuse.

 

OP, sounds like you're doing this right so far. Do you have a network of friends (or perhaps relatives outside of this toxic circle) that you can rely on as you make these difficult decisions?

Edited January 1, 2014 by nescafe1982

[LovesHangover]

Right. And my concern about folks raising the issue of provocation here is that the logic behind it CLOSELY resembles that used by dysfunctional families to cover up (and thus enable) patterns of abuse.

 

Those on this thread who query whether you (the victim of the attack) did something to provoke it are assuming that abusers are acting rationally. A rational man only hits those who give him a very good reason to. Habitual abusers hit 1) people they love, and 2) people they perceive as weaker/smaller than themselves. They are never rational, and they tend to hurt those closest to them. To expect rationality from them is ludicrous, and it demeans the victims of their abuse.

 

OP, sounds like you're doing this right so far. Do you have a network of friends (or perhaps relatives outside of this toxic circle) that you can rely with as you make these difficult decisions?

 

Perhaps, I'm not in a trusting space right now. I have friends that support me but they're also judging me and my choices about this. It seems to elude them that I will handle things the way I deem necessary and that I have a right to my perspective and choices. I just need them to be there. I am not looking for their advice or their action plan for how I should deal with it. I need space and time to think things through for myself, but I feel that people are trying to rush me into making additional decisions and taking specific actions NOW!

Edited January 1, 2014 by LovesHangover

[LovesHangover]

Families that have collectively chosen to normalize abusive behavior will go to extreme lengths to cover up any acts of violence. It's a defense mechanism gone seriously awry.... and it usually perpetuates/enables continual abusive patterns.

 

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. No, you are not being unreasonable to stay away from this violent person. And yes, you are doing the right thing by being far away from anyone who tries to say this abuse was okay.

 

I also believe you did the right thing by calling the police. Men who beat people (are you female or male, btw?) only escalate their abuse when it's left unchecked. If you put up with it this time, it will only get worse in the future.

 

Draw a firm line in the sand when it comes to your wellbeing. If others in your family aren't prepared to work in the interest of your safety (or indeed, they try to undermine you like this), they have chosen which side of that line to stand on.

 

I have been in a strikingly similar situation to yours: a family member decided to abuse me in front of the others (also on Thanksgiving, no less). Several of my family decided to condone his violence, and tried to make me feel crazy for being outraged. The relationship with that relative has ceased, and I've had to scale back some relationships with many in my family (including my parents). It sucks to do, but I feel you should never continue a relationship with someone if it descends into abuse.

 

Family is family when they act like it.

 

Nescafe1982, I am sorry about your being attacked by a family member on Thanksgiving Day. It seems as though you understand my perspective better than most because you have been through a similar situation.

 

You aren't crazy for being outraged by his violence just as I'm not. I think that I won't deal with this particular cousin anymore. I watch Investigation Discovery and it is filled with shows about evil relatives and friends that people didn't let go of when necessary. Also, I think that there will be individuals in my family that I will no longer have a relationship with. I will work with some to redefine our relationships so they can be healthy and work for us.

 

This experience has heightened my sensitivity to victims of abuse. It seems as though in efforts to protect themselves/seek justice, they also have to defend themselves against others and deal with the issue of provocation (Well, what did you do?) as justification for another's actions. This is why rape, child abuse, domestic violence and other such crimes are under-reported. It's as though you have to fight more than one battle while you're sensitive and vulnerable.