Always worried Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) I am a successful person who has her life in order and I have most of my needs sorted out, but when it comes to dating I am a total mess. I got out of a 5 year relationship over 2 years ago. It ended up with her stringing me alone and cheating on me for over a year. She lied and told she loved me when she didn't. I developed a lot of issues due to that. Now that I am dating again I am finding that I feel awful anxiety trying to figure out if anyone I am talking to is really interested in me. I also have had so many people flake on me before the first date and it really doesn't help my trust issues. Anyways I met someone online and we texted like crazy for a week and met up in person. We hit it off so well, she paid for everything, held doors open, cuddled with me at the movie, brought up several ideas on what to do together in the future, and initiated the kiss at the end of the date. We set our next date for the next weekend. This is when the troubles started. She didn't text nearly as much as she did before the date which caused me to question her feelings towards me despite how our date went. She started asking to confirm the details of our next date a couple days before it which reassured me despite her lack of communication. Then she texted me the morning of the date and said she was very sick and wouldn't be able to are the date. She apologized profusely and swore she would make it up to me again. So here is the problem. I want to trust her, I really do, and she has not given me a reason not to trust her. So why do I still feel like I am being let down easily? My brain says to trust her, but my heart is in a panic. Why is dating such a stressful process for me? I don't want to get into a relationship and ruin someone's experience with me because I freak out over being insecure. Is this normal for someone who's first love lasted so long and ended badly, and is just now getting into dating again? Ugh I'm not crazy I swear. Edited December 29, 2013 by Always worried
Philosoraptor Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 The only way you will ever find a healthy relationship is to give people a chance. Everyone deserves a clean slate and if she's given you no reason not to trust her then you need to give her a chance. From how it reads she kept you up to date with things and wanted to schedule a new date once she feels better.
Pretty.in.Pink Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Do yourself a favor and deal with your baggage before you start dating again. Otherwise, you will ruin things with the next person because of your insecurity and inability to trust. It becomes this self-fulfilling prophesy and a vicious cycle. As it is, your dating style, which is a result of your baggage will be a turn-off to many good women. You're limiting your pool from the outset. Emotionally healthy women generally have zero interest in paying for the sins of your ex. So, if she has to "prove" herself by doing your job and hers (pursuing you, planning dates, calling and texting you afterwards, setting up subsequent dates, etc.), most will quickly move on to better options, i.e. guys comfortable pursuing someone they like who don't need constant reassurance that she might flake.
Author Always worried Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Well I heard back from her. She said that she is not feeling emotionally well and has quit talking to everyone, including her friends. She said that she is stressed and has a lot she needs to figure out. And finally she said when she is stressed she pulls back so she doesn't lash out at others. No mention as to whether or not she wants to keep dating though.
Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 I'm female and I have a female friend who pulls that "not talking" crap when she is stressed (she's also an alcoholic who can't process a damn thing when she is drinking). I don't have time to keep calling or texting. I hate it when her boyfriend calls me to see if she is all right and last week after she put her dog down, I had to call him and ask the same question. Emotional mature people still need to time to process, but they don't make others feel anxious while they process. Not talking to someone is cruel and attention seeking. I think in a dating relationship, it is incredibly manipulative to keep your partner off-center and not secure. But, this is the start of a relationship for you. You could give her the benefit of the doubt, but this sends up my 'drama-Llama' alarm. 1
Scales Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 I'm female and I have a female friend who pulls that "not talking" crap when she is stressed (she's also an alcoholic who can't process a damn thing when she is drinking). I don't have time to keep calling or texting. I hate it when her boyfriend calls me to see if she is all right and last week after she put her dog down, I had to call him and ask the same question. Emotional mature people still need to time to process, but they don't make others feel anxious while they process. Not talking to someone is cruel and attention seeking. I think in a dating relationship, it is incredibly manipulative to keep your partner off-center and not secure. But, this is the start of a relationship for you. You could give her the benefit of the doubt, but this sends up my 'drama-Llama' alarm. Agree. This is basically a smoke screen to get rid of you. There can be people who will tell you give her the benefit of the doubt, but it won't be me. Move on. This is pretty much her trying to let you down easy. Don't sweat it. Go meet someone else. If she feels like talking/going on another date she will text you about it.
Author Always worried Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 I'm female and I have a female friend who pulls that "not talking" crap when she is stressed (she's also an alcoholic who can't process a damn thing when she is drinking). I don't have time to keep calling or texting. I hate it when her boyfriend calls me to see if she is all right and last week after she put her dog down, I had to call him and ask the same question. Emotional mature people still need to time to process, but they don't make others feel anxious while they process. Not talking to someone is cruel and attention seeking. I think in a dating relationship, it is incredibly manipulative to keep your partner off-center and not secure. But, this is the start of a relationship for you. You could give her the benefit of the doubt, but this sends up my 'drama-Llama' alarm. Yeah it worries me as well now that I have had time to reflect on things. I may have screwed up my chances with her anyways because I called her out on ignoring me and that is why I got the reply I did. I am going to try to send her one final message tomorrow and see where it goes from there, but I am not hopeful.
deathandtaxes Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Yeah it worries me as well now that I have had time to reflect on things. I may have screwed up my chances with her anyways because I called her out on ignoring me and that is why I got the reply I did. I am going to try to send her one final message tomorrow and see where it goes from there, but I am not hopeful. Before you message her, you have to ask yourself if this is the type of woman for you? One that at the sign of emotional turmoil just shuts down. That is a horrible way of coping with life. One date with this lady? I'd take a hard pass
winny Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Well I heard back from her. She said that she is not feeling emotionally well and has quit talking to everyone, including her friends. She said that she is stressed and has a lot she needs to figure out. And finally she said when she is stressed she pulls back so she doesn't lash out at others. No mention as to whether or not she wants to keep dating though. Yeah right..! She is not interested in YOU. She is just trying to end it with you by giving lot of crap reasons.... Forget her... She is not right for you...
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