Isabella82 Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 I was just wondering what is wrong with me and who can relate. I seem to like being controlled or at least I don't mind it. Here is what I mean, my ex used to be pretty controling such as not wanting me to go to the clubs or bars without him. I didn't mind this because he said he wouldn't go out without me, because he felt like the only reason why people go to those types of places are to hook up. I sometimes just wanted to go out with the girls and have a fun time dancing, but I never did unless I was with him. The times we would go to the bar or club he wouldn't let me leave his side. Even when I was getting a drink or water about 6 feet away from him he had to go with me. Then he would complain that I wasn't paying attention to him, when actually I was ignoring my friends for him. He also didn't want me to talk to other people about our relationship because he thought it was our issues, and he wanted me to throw away pictures of my other exes. I did all this except I didn't throw away pictures of my exes, but I did this because I loved him. However I think there are alot of people that wouldn't put up with all these rules. I was wondering who wouldn't and who would. And why I seem to just do anything they say. It even went so far as he didn't want me to wear certain outfits. I seem to find guys that are controlling, and I put up with it. He even wanted me to stop talking to all my exes including people that I just did stuff with. I did, for him, and then later caught him talking to his exes. During the break up I found pictures of his exes even though he told me he threw them away, and I also found out he was talking to my parents for the past year about our relationship, making himself look like the angel and making me look like it was my fault. He would say to them I don't know why she is mad, and the truth was I would get mad for good reasons such as when I caught him talking to his exes. Then when he broke up with me he said it was all my fault. Anyone else have this problem of being controlled. What is wierd about it is I kind of liked it in a way. I liked the fact that he wasn't going out without me, and he cared about me so much that he wanted to keep me safe.
Pocky Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 And it's certainly easy not to have the responsibility of making decisions when someone else is making them for you. And no that wasn't an insult - some people have a hard time making decisions so they tend to date people that will take control of their environment. Otherwise, these people may feel overwhelmed and experience a lot of anxiety because of their difficulties in making decisions regarding their life. If it works for you and doesn't cause problems in your relationship then I see nothing wrong with it. I couldn't do it but then I probably the controlling one in the family.
summerlove Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 does anyone know why guys do that. my ex did the exact same thing expect he went out, not i. he said girls always get hit on but guys don't?! i never understood this?! isn't a relationship all about the trust? and if they act like what is posted doesn't that me you don't have trust and with out trust there is and will never be "LOVE".
Teag Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 My ex bf was alot like that. I actually threw away all my pictures of my exes & my "guy" friends b/c he wanted me too which now I regret so bad. He read my diary then made me burn it b/c he didn't like what I had written about my exes & past experiances. But I loved him so I did what he wanted, he made me feel like I wasn't anything w/out him & I believed him. He was the first controlling relationship and it will be the last. For 2 1/2 years I put up with that crap . DOn't worry someone will come along & treat you like you desearve to be treated, just try not to push them away when they do come around.
SadBabyGirl Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I have a few rants too hehe! Maybe u readers can relate. Alas, it had happened to me too and I didnt even realize it! Coz he knew how badly I wanted him, i was so posessive of him...he used it to his advantage. He was from a diff country too.... not that it may matter but i was told horror stories by girlfriends that had dated these kinds of men. * He didnt let me chat to my ex husband, who was still like a good friend to me. We werent any longer romantically involved, because my ex husband let me go to be with my man in the first place, thus I divorced him for this man! And i couldnt even be friends with the poor guy coz my ex bf spied on my chats! * He got angry on me and used the exuse (after he abandoned me) that i chatted personal things about our sex life and relations to my friends and ex in chat. I didnt see anything wrong with it! Like isabella said " He also didn't want me to talk to other people about our relationship because he thought it was our issues" *He shopped for me and bought me clothes HE THOUGHT i should wear to look like a LADY. (In other words, more sophisticate stuff, not Juniors apparel. Stuff I didnt feel Too comfortable wearing. He thought CHANGE WAS FOR THE GOOD. And i was brainwashed thinking the same. Im not a victorias secret model but because (he thought) i was beautiful he wanted to hoochify me, not let me be in my own skin. * He wanted me to do things sexually that I wasnt really physically able to do. (anal anyone?) When i called him on it that he wanted me to be like a porn star, he got angry and moody and took off in the car after sex. I had to painstakingly watch him rip out of the driveway and drive away, like a sad little girl looking out of the window at her parents going away. *He didnt really care that i stayed home and took care of him but in the back of his mind he wanted me to get a job, but i was in a big city in minus zero degrees and he had the car. Plus bussing there was dangerous.When i didnt get a job, he used that exuse in the breakup as well. That i sat on my ass, while he busted his to take care of me. Hmmm... *Basically warned me about my friends, and told me who not to talk to or trust, when in fact, they were the only ones THERE FOR ME in the END! Including the ex husband! *Put down my purchases, said my shoes looked gay. Didnt like certain makeup colours, wanted me to wear hair long, even went as far as buying hair straighteners to flatten out my Perm which i LOVED! Ok i just had to rant a little in reply to the first message! Ur not alone!
Pendawn Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 One word for why guys do this: insecurity. They are living in terror that you will suddenly realise they're not worthy, or that some other person will take you away from them, or your friends etc will talk you out of loving them. it's all about them being insecure and scared. However most of them will never admit that. Personally I could NEVER put up with it, BUT we all have different things that we can or can't handle. I put up with stuff form my ex that a lot of women would never stand for. We all know what bothers us and what doesn't. A lot of women don't mind this kind of behaviour because the jealousy and possesiveness makes them feel very loved and secure.
Author Isabella82 Posted January 9, 2005 Author Posted January 9, 2005 SadBabyGirl, Thats so wierd that you were talking about the whole anal thing. I'm not into that either, and my ex wanted to so bad, just to try it. I told him that I would never do it, and I might consider if I was married. So after about 2 years of him sometimes asking one night he asked me when we were drinking. I said no not until I am married, and he goes Oh you know I am going to marry you. So I did, well for like 2 seconds, but what a jerk to say that to me, and then break up with me a few weeks later. Pendawn, I agree with you completely, but its just wierd to think that the same guys that didn't want to lose us and were scared that we would leave them, just threw us away. I mean he seemed to want to be with me so bad, and then at the end it was like it was all my imagination. I thought to myself did I miss something? I mean even his best friend told me I was the best girl he has ever dated, well I was his longest relationship.....
VirginiaBob Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I'm a guy, and I've been controlled by a woman, but will never let it happen again. She had kids from a previous marriage. We were planning on getting married a week ago from today. Let's see, I cut her grass, cleaned her house, cooker her and the kids dinner everyday, paid her mortgage, picked up her kids from day care, made a lot of renovations to her house, did her laundry including ironing, paid her electric, paid for her gasoline, paid for her water bill, gave her cash often (and not small amounts, we are talking hundreds and thousands), made the payment for her mom's assisted living facility, paid for all the wedding expenses (the wedding that was cancelled by her only 3 weeks in advance), let her kids call me dad (at her request - i thought it was weird - by the way, she used this as a manipulative tool against me later on because I became so close to the children and it hurt me at the thought of losing them since I thought of them as my own), gave her oral sex everyday without reciprocation, went to her crazy fundie church (she was such a hypocrite anyways, so I don't know why she was going to a fundie church), bought her a big diamond ring for the engagement - okay, that's enough, this list could go on and on. Yet, she was never satisified, called me greedy and lazy, constantly nagging me. Oh yea, and came within one day of signing her mortgage over to me since she wanted me to make the payments, yet keep the title in her name - if she broke up with me one day later, I would have had the papers signed. I have a good job and make over $60K and am motivated in my career path too, yet I did all this stuff for her, and I'm lazy? Never again. Talk about being blinded by love. Anyways, just wanted the ladies to know that it's not just men who can be controlling. Think about that when you nag your significant others. That's all I got to say.
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