blue963 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Im sure I am not the only one that has this issue. What do you do when you know they are out for the evening and you thought you would hear from him and you don't? My mind starts going: I get hurt, angry, etc. All craziness! Then I go into why am I doing this, no good for me, etc.
Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Im sure I am not the only one that has this issue. What do you do when you know they are out for the evening and you thought you would hear from him and you don't? My mind starts going: I get hurt, angry, etc. All craziness! Then I go into why am I doing this, no good for me, etc. You have to remember your place... your role. You come last... Been there... done that. You are going to drive yourself nuts thinking about it. Go out and do something fun for you!! 3
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Im sure I am not the only one that has this issue. What do you do when you know they are out for the evening and you thought you would hear from him and you don't? My mind starts going: I get hurt, angry, etc. All craziness! Then I go into why am I doing this, no good for me, etc. Roller's advice is what you need to do. Stop pouting at home and go LIVE your life, like he is. You knew going into this affair that he is married, and that he is not leaving his wife, so when he isn't with you, put him out of your head and go have fun. Be with your friends, family etc. Stop making him such a high priority and put yourself first. Once in a while, say to him, that you have plans. To sit and wait for him, always see him when he makes time for you just gives him all the power and also makes it seem like you have no life except when it comes to him. I hope you start accepting your role as the OW in his life or end it, find someone more suitable for you, someone who loves only you and you don't have to share him with his wife and family. I'm sure you want your own kids and family one day? You'll never get that with him if you continue on with him. 2
Nothisgirl Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 MM never once went out and didn't contact me.....in fact sometimes I would say to him "stop calling/texting while you're with your W" ...that said it still drove me nuts. As much as it hurts Roller's advice is dead on....as an OW, we can't ever come first...even if he says you are, you're not...go live your life and try not to think about him...I sometimes think these reminders of where we stand are good catalysts for us, as OW, to remember that we deserve so much more than crumbs... 1
Cocochai Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Im sure I am not the only one that has this issue. What do you do when you know they are out for the evening and you thought you would hear from him and you don't? My mind starts going: I get hurt, angry, etc. All craziness! Then I go into why am I doing this, no good for me, etc. I remember when I told my XMM I was going to the movies to see a popular film that was starting out that night... Do you know that fool had the nerve to ask me to let him know how the movies was because, his BS wanted him to take her to see it.. I was so pissed I told him to NEVER do that again. At that point I knew he was getting too comfortable with the A and over looking my feelings. Your MM should keep that information separate from you. You should still no your place but, he should also consider your feelings. 1
WrinkledForehead Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Oh, I sometimes sat home contentedly and grateful for the time he was away so I could tend to domestic duties, and sometimes I sat home and wept and journaled and sipped whiskey and contemplated the water molecules I'd often find myself entranced with, and sometimes I'd hang out with the girls after work and have drinks and laugh and dance and forget that my love was with another. But he always contacted me, always. He'd make it a point to check in every couple hours and on the one or two occasions he discovered I'd broken into pieces, he'd leave and come pick me up and figuratively dust me off.
BrokenPrincess Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Blue, I think you should spend the time alone going back & reading your past threads. Nearly every one for the 3 months since you joined LS is about this same thing--frustrations with your MMs level of communication. It's like you are dragging yourself through the slow death of the relationship as he gives less and you just get more upset & try to cling on 2
Got it Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 If it was an issue I would address it but I like all my relationships, I don't expect them to be attached to my hip. So I enjoy my alone time to watch girly TV, have my pets around me and surf the net. Romantic relationships need to be the icing on your cake even if you are married to them. Work on developing yourself, what do you do for fun, what hobbies can you nurture? Them being out for the evening won't suddenly make him realize how in love with his wife he is anything like that. It means they are out. He will be back, same as usual. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((blue))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) big hugs blue. If this is a pattern, you have to assess whether the good still outweighs the bad. No relationship is worth losing yourself. Your role is not to come last. So discuss it with him and see if you find a happy medium. Put yourself first and decide what works best for you. 1
rumbleseat Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Instead of telling a bunch of strangers online about your feelings, why aren't you telling him?
Cocochai Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Instead of telling a bunch of strangers online about your feelings, why aren't you telling him? We are all here for supporting one another... Not making the person feel worst for asking questions. 4
Author blue963 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 I understand what you are saying broken princess. However, there is no way that I could share the entire story. Things have changed somewhat because he is going thru the grieving process of losing a father this past year. I am trying to determine what is right for me in all of this. It isn't like he is terrible to me. He does treat me genuinely when we are together and has a true concern for me. However, I think in this type of relationship we tend to accept things more than in a regular relationship.
Rhema Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I'm just wondering. How do you know that they're out for the evening? Is this something that he's telling you? Or are you're somewhat "spying"? If he is, that may be something he might want to keep to himself. Because it will drive you crazy. If you're looking for stuff, then you may want to stop. As other posts have mentioned. Plz make sure that you keep a life separate from him. Stay active and have a social life. If he's not going to be available, you shouldn't always be available either. I know its hard, but trust me, you will feel a lot better.
rumbleseat Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 We are all here for supporting one another... Not making the person feel worst for asking questions. My point has nothing to do with trying to make her feel bad, and everything to do with encouraging her to tell him if and when she is unhappy. Tell a bunch of strangers online won't help her, but talking to him might. Isn't this a vital part of any relationship, being able to tell one another your biggest insecurities/ fears? If she can't do that with him, there is a much deeper problem than just him going out with his wife. 2
Cocochai Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 My point has nothing to do with trying to make her feel bad, and everything to do with encouraging her to tell him if and when she is unhappy. Tell a bunch of strangers online won't help her, but talking to him might. Isn't this a vital part of any relationship, being able to tell one another your biggest insecurities/ fears? If she can't do that with him, there is a much deeper problem than just him going out with his wife. I do agree the OP should communicate this with her AP, yet perhaps if you would have stated that from the beginning, and left out (telling a bunch of strangers online)... It wouldn't sound like your just bashing the OP. All of us are on here in some way, are telling a bunch of strangers our struggles.
Got it Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I understand what you are saying broken princess. However, there is no way that I could share the entire story. Things have changed somewhat because he is going thru the grieving process of losing a father this past year. I am trying to determine what is right for me in all of this. It isn't like he is terrible to me. He does treat me genuinely when we are together and has a true concern for me. However, I think in this type of relationship we tend to accept things more than in a regular relationship. I think you need to look at and potentially reassess this. Why are you accepting things you would't in other relationships. You aren't locked in on things even if you want to change them now. You can push and ask for more things. Both parties have every right to assert what they want and what their expectations are.
Cocochai Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I think you need to look at and potentially reassess this. Why are you accepting things you would't in other relationships. You aren't locked in on things even if you want to change them now. You can push and ask for more things. Both parties have every right to assert what they want and what their expectations are. I guess the love for the MM, no matter how hard you don't want to admit... Love makes you do some crazy things. But what's love got to do with it? I wish I could have used my brain rather then my heart but... Oxytocin gets in the way.
Got it Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I guess the love for the MM, no matter how hard you don't want to admit... Love makes you do some crazy things. But what's love got to do with it? I wish I could have used my brain rather then my heart but... Oxytocin gets in the way. Okay but how is the love or the oxytocin any different than prior relationships? I GET when someone asks one for concession the desire to do so to make them happy but in all relationships you have to hold to some "hard stops" because why should only one said do the asking and the other side does the consenting? It should be an even give and take.
Cocochai Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Okay but how is the love or the oxytocin any different than prior relationships? I GET when someone asks one for concession the desire to do so to make them happy but in all relationships you have to hold to some "hard stops" because why should only one said do the asking and the other side does the consenting? It should be an even give and take. There is NO difference... How do we know the OP doesn't acts out the same way when she's hurting and loves the Man as well. This Oxytocin also is the reason why the BS stays. History, love, kids, etc...
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